From The Twilight Zone

[tadpole1025]

Thanks for stopping by. It is time for a new thread and my previous thread can be found here:

On 10/10/10

The setup:

Two years ago when XW decided to leave we made a deal that I would get S20 a cell phone and put him on my plan for Christmas. She was going to do the same for S17. A few weeks ago, she was happy to announce to S17 that if he got good grades, she would upgrade him to an IPhone.

Last night, I got the following text from The Twilight Zone. She is an absolute whack job. It reads:

Here is the deal: I've been paying 115 dollars a month for S17's phone, 185 dollars a month for medical, dental, vision and life insurance, 330 dollars a month for child support, I bought all of his school clothes and supplies and everything else he needs. I honestly have been bringing home 610 dollars a month and my rent is 650. I can't pay bills and have been doing all of the transporting of S17 back and forth between houses. Can you PLEASE see about getting him a cell phone and put him on your plan with S20 and you? I just can't do it anymore. Last week, I spent all of my paycheck on S20's birthday. I really would like your help with the phone situation.

My sons tell me all the time that she is always spending money like she has plenty. And....if she is that broke, why is she spending "entire paychecks" on S20's birthday?

The funniest part about this text was that she used the word HONESTLY. Does she really think that I am going to believe her because she is being HONEST?

Now, I thought of s few responses that would go something like this:

Sorry, but it is no longer my problem. You did this.

Or something like:

You could always ask OM. He's your sugar daddy and has plenty of money from what I gather from everyhting you have told everybody.

Or:

Sorry. I can't help you.

I eventually decided to just let it go. I did not respond at all. Should I have? The old me would have wasted no time sending her a nasty text back.

I really don't believe anything that she says anymore. How can she go from "upgrading to an IPhone" to "I can't do it anymore" in a matter of just a few weeks?

If she is that broke, too bad. It's not my problem. I'm broke too and have my own sh!t to deal with.

Any thoughts?

Tad

[BeingMe]

Or you could respond, "no."

[greatwhitenorth]

Or you could let your kids (arguably adults) grow up and learn the responsibility of paying for their own phones.

There is no drama in this conversation, apart from what you've imparted. Clearly both you and your exwife are in financial dire straights. Better decisions are in order.

Plus if after two years you are still hoping for reconciliation, you might want to ditch the bitterness.

[Kimmerz]

Hi Tad,

Wow your XW's tone sounds just like my Xh's about finances! OMG I swear they're texts are darn near identical!!! LOL. At any rate don't let her crazy making make you crazy, ok? Yes her choices are the result of both your financial status being less than ideal, but it is what it is now. Better to deal with it accordingly.

So this is how I would handle it...and this is just me so this is just a suggestion!

You need to respond because this really is a problem. Yes this is the result of the crap that went down, but it is what it is. There's not enough money to go around for everyone to live comfortably and cell phones are important this day and age. I understand this because this is how I keep important contact with my girls.

So Tad try to think of a solution, and strive to problem solve this. Respond to her by bringing some solutions to the table and ask her what she thinks.

I agree that your son's are old enough to start paying for their own phones. Second of all there are less expensive choices out there, like the pre paid plans, Straight Talk, etc.

At the same time there is NOTHING wrong with telling your boys that $$$ is tight either way around, and that they can either work on getting a job to pay for their own phones, OR, there's going to be some dramatic changes to their phone plans or phones all together. Ask the boys what they think should be done.

Bust ass on objectivity Tad, and work on the truth here and now as it is. Backsliding into their B.S. just keeps us stuck, bitter, and depressed. Do not allow her pissing and whining about her finances get you down. THIS IS THE REALITY OF DIVORCE.

And many, many people, don't even think about this when they're skipping out the door into La La MLC land.

[job]

Tad,
You can't go all passive aggressive on your xw. You need to respond to her text and advise her that you are not in a financial position to pick up the tab for your son's IPhone at this time. You may offer up some suggestions to assist her in the payment of the phone, but I would not take on any additional expenses at this time.

I do believe that both of your sons are at an age whereby they could pick up a part time job to help w/the financing of their phones. It's called learning responsibility and if that doesn't work, maybe it's time to re-evaluate your expenses and only keep those that are necessary and important for survival at this time.

[AntoniaB]

I've got students your sons' ages who don't have cell phones or plans. Their families simply can't afford them. My own mom has a phone that only calls people. By choice. This notion that everyone has to have a cell phone as a necessity is nuts. We all lived without them and we survived. In college I didn't even have a room phone. We had one pay phone on the wing I lived in. WE LIVED.

This isn't your problem. I'm really proud that you didn't respond. I agree with Snodderly you can't be PA with her, which, if you responded with any comments about how she got herself into this mess or made a comment about the OM, you'd be PA then. But not responding or simply saying "I can't help", and then telling your sons "sorry, earn money to get your own phone/plan or go without", is the best way to go here.

See? She was nice to you, then she hit you with this...it's all manipulation.

[AntoniaB]

Just wanted to add: I realize that I don't have kids (though I spend my entire job working with other people's kids) so maybe I'm not the best one to give advice about co-parenting, but this just doesn't seem to me a real problem, something that "fits" under co-parenting. To me co-parenting means your kids are in trouble in a big way, injured, failing in school, acting out, those are things you "must" deal with together. But a cell phone? This is like saying "I think he needs a leather jacket instead of that older one he wears now which is ok but not as nice. Can't you help out??" Nope. Not a real problem.

[AJM]

I do have kids as many of us here do. I agree with the others Tad - don't get PA about it. That's not detached, now is it? I applaud that you recognize you're different. You are. And I applaud that you didn't just send it. Good on ya!

I say if you have nothing constructive or non-pa to say, then say nothing. Let her work it out as she sees fit. If you can be constructive, then do so with detached objectivity. As if it was somebody else's problem you were asked to help with.

Your kids are old enough to learn the value of paying for things they want.

I also see that she seems to want you to bail her out of her decisions. I don't see that as a good thing for you to do. It's just that I don't think you're at a point to objectively convey that idea to her, yet. That's something you would have done when working together to solve problems. But you're not in that place any longer. Is what it is.

How's the book coming?

Peace,
AJ

[BeingMe]

Also, isn't this between her and S17? And, it's not your problem if she uses a whole pay check to buy a gift for S20's b/day gift. How foolish is that? Probably trying to buy favor with him. Weird!

[tadpole1025]

Thanks everyone. I DID NOT respond. I figured I would probably end up saying something that would p!ss her off. Plus, it really isnt my problem. Like BeingMe says, it is between her and S17. I just found it funny that she wanted to purchase a brand new expensive Iphone for him a few weeks ago and now, she can't even afford the phone that he currently has. It really isn't my deal or problem.

I think that maybe she found out that she will have to pay child support until S17 is out of school even though he turns 18 next month. Arizona law says that she has to continue to pay as long as he is in school. I'm sure there is a motive in there somewhere.

Antonia, I agree. It is not really a "parenting issue."

AJ, thanks for asking about the book. It is almost finished. I'm just tweaking with the ending a little bit.

I've noticed a change within me over the last week or so. Yes, it all still bothers me alot, but not as much as it did. I'm getting where I really don't care or think about her as much. Maybe I am just getting numb. Something is different. Not sure what it is.

Tad