Progress comes slowly

[ces67]

Its been a while but figured I'd start a new thread. Here's the link to the last one. Each one provides links to the originals....

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2269112#Post2269112

Brief History:
Bomb drop was July 2010 right after a family move and 15 months of unemployment
Have lived in the same house the entire time
W had detached herself for the majority of this time developing a separate life with other friends and excluding me.
W had an EA with the husband of one of her friends, her friend found out somehow but I don't have details.
W continues to be an engaged and involved mom to our kids
Attempted MC in fall of 2010 but was short lived.
W has left the past 2 summers w/ our kids to return to our previous home living with friends for 6 to 7 weeks each summer
W has spent lots of $$$$$ on her separate life creating significant debt for our family.

More Recent:
We returned to MC in August after her last summer get away.
So far we have completed 5 sessions
W has stopped contact with several of her "friends" from her other life, or so it seems (I stopped snooping so who knows)
W started a new job in an attempt to help with family finances
W has started sleeping in our bedroom again part of the time.
Some physical intimacy has returned in the past few months
MC sessions are mostly W talking with our MCr and me listening
W has admitted to her behaviors of shutting me and others out.
W has acknowledged that much of her anger directed at me may not in fact be about me


So over 2 years post-bomb, its still day by day. Our daily functioning is progressing at a glacial pace it seems. I am thankful for our counseling as it does seem to be opening some doors.

I still see my W as a wounded person and try to keep a focus of compassion for her. I'll admit that this is a conscious effort some days. I am seeing an IC for myself as well and had to admit that now that the major anxiety of our struggles appears to be subsiding, I struggle to like my W. Its not a huge struggle but its there. To deny it would be harmful to myself and my M. Can't fight an enemy if you deny their existance....

So much of what attracted me to my W hasn't been there for a few years now. I keep telling myself that its still in there and that in time it will return. My kids are doing well and I'm thankful for that.

I'm travelling a lot for work and am not sure if that's helping or hurting. But it will calm down a bit after a few more weeks.

Piecing is hard. The struggle continues to be longer than I want or expected. But it is what it is. The decision to commit to my M and my W is still that, a decision. A promise of love is based upon my choice and integrity and not on the actions of others. I guess that's sort of my mantra.

But that's where thing are at. Still moving along slowly....

[labug]

Good to hear from you, ces.

[afa75]

I like the mantra, and glad you're moving forward.
Slow and steady wins the race. 8)

[ces67]

Thanks for stopping in. Seems like there isn't much new or interesting going on. It really is just a slow gradual process of trying to increase positive interactions and dealing with the little back-slides that come along.

I think W's new job is going OK, but its also stressing her. Our D10 is home for the 2nd day in a row sick. Its been fine, she's not too bad off, just a small fever. But I leave this evening for a business trip and W has to work from 5 to 9. Its only for a short while and our S14 is home, but I can tell its really bothering my W that she isn't going to be there with our D10 this evening. If I had to guess it is probably making my W feel like a bad mom. W mentioned feeling this way a good bit over the last week in our last MC session.

W has mentioned a few times this week about not traveling for the holidays. We were suppose to be with her family for Thanksgiving and mine for Christmas. This is really stressing out my W, and I think it has to do with our finances and not really being able to afford the trips & the holiday expenses. Its not been mentioned but I also think its going to be hard for my W to be with my family over the holidays as those relationships are very strained.

W has really pushed my family away and they aren't comfortable around her much either. I often am on the phone with my M explaining that its not about her and that W and I first need to deal withour M before she can work on other R with the family.

Our MC homework is to discuss our holiday plans in regard to priority and what we can do to make it an enjoyable season.

[labug]

Lots going on, it seems.

ces, if you can just hold space for her while she works on all her stuff...

I've changed so much in the past year, it gives me hope for others. Encourage and support her in small ways, keep feeling the love, don't take responsibility for her work.

She's unhappy but it's not because of you.

[ces67]

Hey Bug, as far as lots going on, well its kind of "yes" and "no". There is some more activity going on but our level of interaction outside of MC is still very operational for lack of a better word. But at least we're operating a little better.

Journal stuff:

Had to work out of town this weekend. I routinely sent group txt messages to W & kids. Only kids responded. I called a few times and W did not answer the phone but I was able to talk with the kids by calling their phones directly.

The only message I got from W for the entire weekend was after I texted about making my connection coming home was "we need milk for the morning". Yep, a whole weekend away and I get a short grocery list.

I got in late and still went in and kissed the kids even though they were asleep. W was in bed with D10 and tends to sleep there most nights lately.

Then this morning after getting to work W txt me to say "glad you had a good trip. Thanks for stopping at store". She also called me a couple times this morning even though I was in meetings. Most stuff was coordination of things. Nothing major.

I'm pretty worn out from the travel today so I need to be careful not to confuse my exhaustion with irritation.

Prior to leaving W again mentioned not traveling this holiday season. That would be extremely weird as we have always been with our families in the 20 years's we've been married. However, I did tell her that I didn't want to discard her suggestion and confirmed with her that this was truly just about the money. And if so, then we need to sit down and look over what we have available and what is realistic. This is kind of part of our homework from our last MC session as well.

W will not be home when I get there. She is going to an exercise class with a friend tonight. The nice part of that is this lady is the wife of one of my friday morning coffee buddies. She's very sweet and she has a D that is my D's age and they also dance togehter. D10 and this friend are going on weekend retreat together next weekend with church.

on to the afternoon meetings.

[ces67]

So a question to start the day. Background: When my W and I communicate it is often either via txt message or phone calls during the day. But when we are at home together it seems awkward to talk to one another and in many cases my W avoids making eye contact with me. I don't get it.

Assumptions are just mind-reading so I'm thinking of just asking her about it and see if she is noticing the same thing. Thoughts?

[labug]

Hey ces, I'm on my way to work. Will respond later.

[AnotherStander]

But when we are at home together it seems awkward to talk to one another and in many cases my W avoids making eye contact with me. I don't get it.

How long has it been going on? Ever since BD or did it just start recently? If eye contact was there before and now she has stopped it, it's not a good sign. It's usually done because of guilt or an effort to detach emotionally.

Assumptions are just mind-reading so I'm thinking of just asking her about it and see if she is noticing the same thing. Thoughts?

I wouldn't ask her specifically about the eye contact, but perhaps you can just say something like "you seem a little removed from the conversations lately, is everything going OK?" Try to get her to talk about her emotions. Remember to validate if she does.

[ces67]

Thanks Bug, hope you have a good day.

Hi AS, the lack of eye-contact is not new. I would say our "piecing" started back in May officially when she approached me about working on our M again. MC started in August and we've had 5 sessions so far.

If I were to guess, I would say the lack of eye contact is about guilt. W has been financially irresponsible with significant impact to our family and has also had an EA in the past that she does not like to talk about.

Many things are going better. We are discussing plans for spending, W has started a job here to help out and we are slightly better at sharing daily stuff and schedules. Our talks in MC are productive and our MCr has provided a lot of positive reinforcement for improvements (mainly for W). So things are on the up-swing, its just the home setting seems to still have this discomfort to it that limits our talks moreso than in other settings.