5 months in

[Tessa2012]

I forgot to mention...H is back to NOT wanting kids.

I'm trying to keep up with the not believing what you hear and 1/2 of what you see.

[lionhrt]

Hi Tessa,

I agree that saying NC may backfire. U do not want to drive it underground and at least he is open about contact with OW. But u can set boundaries to protect yourself. I expect it will be much more difficult to detach when H is doing favours for OW under ur very nose.

Have u been able to figure out what need she is fulfilling? Obviously not physical but she must fulfill some need for him to go there. That cld really help you with making you the better option.

[Tessa2012]

Hi rkyfat73.

I hope your having a good day. I appreciate your input.

But u can set boundaries to protect yourself. I expect it will be much more difficult to detach when H is doing favours for OW under ur very nose.

I haven't been able to figure out the boundaries just yet. Since he's rarely at home I don't have much of an opportunity to see him. H stops by and sees OW about 1-2x a week to visit. Sometimes she has her D and other times she doesn't. Since his "place" is close to her, it's easy for him to stop over, see her and do favors for her.

Have u been able to figure out what need she is fulfilling? Obviously not physical but she must fulfill some need for him to go there. That cld really help you with making you the better option.

I haven't been able to figure it out. I know that he supported her through her M problems and D. Now she's doing the same for him. My C and I were talking today and it seems like he wants to be the hero that helps the damsel in distress.

WHen we first met, he helped me get away from a bad room-mate situation at school. I could talk with him about the problems I was having and he would help me to keep my mind of off the issues at my apartment. Now, he's helping OW with her problems at home and she is free to contact him to help her or to do things for her. So I can only guess that he misses being depended on to resolve everything.

The frustrating part is that during the 1 C session that he attended with me, he mentioned being tired of doing things to make other people happy and now he's going to concentrate on making himself happy. Isn't that exactly what he's doing for her??

[Tessa2012]

When H stayed home a couple of weekends ago, he mentioned that he wanted to go with me to my next C session. H hadn't brought it up since then and I thought it was an alcohol induced comment.

I told him this am that my session was today after work, he said that I should have told him sooner because he wouldn't be able to make it. I was shocked. I didn't think he really meant it that's why I didn't say anything. He actually wants to know when my next appt. is.

I told my C about it and she asked me what outcome I wanted for the session. All I want is an open dialogue with H that allows him to talk. I want the session to focus on him and his feelings and not me. She mentioned that, if she gets an opening, she'll ask some thought provoking questions.

I'm not expecting any decisions to be made, just a good conversation. The session is in 3 weeks so we'll see if I make any DB progress before that time.

[Tessa2012]

H and I were texting yesterday (He started it.)

I had asked him if he had spoken with his parents that day. When I had called home to let them know that I was leaving work (ran late) I was asked if I had heard from H.

H proceeded to tell me that he spoke with his mom and that she made him feel like a POS. I told him that I was sorry because I didn't know that they spoke and she made him feel that way. He said that I do hear it and choose to ignore it. I reminded him that I hear the usual banter betwen him and his parents but I'm not around when they REALLY get into it. He said "I know" and I responded "Just making sure".

Here's the frustrating part: H said "Making sure what? That my parents care to much and you all need to let go??? LMAO"

I told him that wasn't the case and he responded that it felt like it. I reiterated that I wanted to make sure that he knew I wasn't around when they get into it with each other. He ended the coversation with "OK" and I wasn't sure how to respond.

Please help me out here. I'm not sure if I responded correctly or not. I'd appreciate the feedback.

Thanks.

[Tessa2012]

I received a text from H about an hour ago. He tells me not to respond but he's going to spend the day at home to wash his baby (car) and to spend time with us (parents, sister, and me). "Just a heads up."

Funny thing is, I've already made plans for a good portion of the day.
- Audition in the afternoon. (Stepping out of my comfort zone and seeing if I can break into the fashion/entertainment industry part-time).
- Housewarming party in the evening at co-workers home.

Since he's going to be home, should I tell him about the audition and risk ridicule or not tell him and risk making him angry?

What do you think?

[AnotherStander]

I received a text from H about an hour ago. He tells me not to respond but he's going to spend the day at home to wash his baby (car) and to spend time with us (parents, sister, and me). "Just a heads up."

Funny thing is, I've already made plans for a good portion of the day.

Since he's going to be home, should I tell him about the audition and risk ridicule or not tell him and risk making him angry?

Don't tell him what you're doing, just text back and say "thank you but I already have plans for most of the day." If he texts back asking what your plans are just ignore it. It is rude of him to assume that he can just "spend time" with you whenever he wants and just tell you that's what he's doing rather than asking, and doubly rude that he mentions spending that time with his "baby" before you guys!

[Tessa2012]

I received a text from H about an hour ago. He tells me not to respond but he's going to spend the day at home to wash his baby (car) and to spend time with us (parents, sister, and me). "Just a heads up."

Funny thing is, I've already made plans for a good portion of the day.

Since he's going to be home, should I tell him about the audition and risk ridicule or not tell him and risk making him angry?

Don't tell him what you're doing, just text back and say "thank you but I already have plans for most of the day." If he texts back asking what your plans are just ignore it. It is rude of him to assume that he can just "spend time" with you whenever he wants and just tell you that's what he's doing rather than asking, and doubly rude that he mentions spending that time with his "baby" before you guys!

Thanks AS -

You're advice helped. I agree with you that it was rude of him to mention washing his car before spending time with us. I was surprised because he spent time with us before the washed the car. Actually he and I spent the morning watching television together w/o either of us texting and we had small talk during the show.

I didn't mention anything to H about my plans until it was a couple hours before I had to leave. When I got out of the shower, he was outside washing the car. I got ready for the appointment (contacts, makeup, dress [one he likes], heels) and headed out the door. When I walked past to say good-bye, he told me to have fun on my date. I reminded him that it was an appointment and mentioned that I had my laptop. He called BS ("I can get my laptop and say the same thing.") and I didn't get upset. I just reminded him it was an appt and, of course, I got the "Whatever helps you sleep at night." I just told him that I'd see him when I got home.

All and all the weekend went well. He tried my patience and tried starting arguments but I didn't take the bait. He actually gave me a "pft" when I mentioned going to church this morning. I expected it because he doesn't believe in organized religion.

I have a feeling H is coming to the realization that he's actions a few months prior are not serving him well now. I mentioned before how he broke his hand. Now, he may not have his job to go back to [small company with about 5 people including owner] because his boss had to bring someone else in. He asked his old boss about coming back and she hired 2 new people and has no room for him. All of this because he broke his hand doing something that he shouldn't have been doing. I wanted to ask if breaking his hand was worth everything that's going on now, but I "bit my tongue" and didn't say anything. I know it would have started a fight and I'm working on keeping the peace.

The greatest small steps happened today as H was leaving.
1. He said that he's going to come home on the weekends more often to relax.
2. He mentioned that we could go out together during those times.
3. I received a free pass for 2 for a local comedy club, he agreed to go with me if I found a good act.

4. I got 2 hugs from him (he initiated) before he left. (1 before he pulled the car out of the garage and the 2nd before he got in the car to actually leave.

I didn't show my excitement to him but I'm happy. I know that these are small steps and aren't a guarantee. But I can't help being happy.

[Tessa2012]

I think last night was an epiphany.

H sent me a text apologizing for what's happened and what's to come. That I don't deserve this and he wishes that I wasn't involved. I'm a good person and not to forget it.

Huh???

I asked if he was ok and he said that he eventually will be but he's been a mess since Sat. I probed a little and he admitted that it's because of his job and some other stuff. I told him that while I didnt' know everything, I understood, noticed thaere was something wrong but didnt' want to press the issue.

H said he almost cracked when leaving and that the stress is reallly getting to him. We texted a bit more and he mentioned that he was burned by leaving his comfort zone.

There was a bit more exchange but he mentioned that he was going this "for self-preservation". I have no idea where he's going with it but in the end, H said he loved me.

I ended the session with love you too and good night.

This morning he came home and jumped right into bed with me and snuggled.

I'm TRYING not to get my hopes up too high but it feels soo good.

[Tessa2012]

Not too much going on lately.

H came home since Thursday night. We all ate as a family and it was real nice. His b-day gift came in the mail on the 7th and I told him he could start playing since I was going to be late. He told me that he'd wait to start the game because I had been there for the start of all the other episodes. H passed a comment that I ruined his surprise by coming home in time for dinner. I guess he had a rendez-vous planned because I was coming home late after work. (I had a follow-up appt. with the agent regarding the modeling/entertainment industry. She had no news due to weather in NYC.)

We woke up and sat next to each other on the sofa to see the opening sequence to the game. It felt like old times. He spent a couple of hours playing before he was called into work. The rest of the weekend went very well. No arguing, just spending quality time together watching tv and just hanging out with each other and the family.

On Sunday, H gave me a few dollars to go and get the cat some moist food. (Hadn't bought any moist since $ is tight and she has a full canister of dry food) On my way home from Mass, I went to the cat store and bought our cat some food and the kitten at his buddy's place a toy. (The kitten had busted the other toy and H wanted to replace it but never got the chance.) H was surprised and appreciative that I picked it up.

Later that day, we chatted about a few things (personal but not about M or R) and I took a leap and apologized for my actions during the past 7 years (condesending tone, belittling comments, etc.). H actually told me that I had
nothing to apologize for. That a lot of it was because of something that he said or did to start it. He admitted to being immature and apologized for bringing me into a situation where he was coddled by his parents and lived under their wings. I told him that it was my choice and I agreed to it.

As we were talking he continued to refer to "if we move out" and "when I get my house/condo". He also mentioned that we can still be "F-buddies". Yea, didn't know how to answer that one so I just let it slip.

Without using the taboo word of love, I told H that I feel the way I do because I choose to feel that way. He said that he understood.

I can see the small steps we're making but it's so hard to keep steady and strong. Especially when he sent me that text last week that said he loved me and he still refers to us spending time together but his getting his own place.