On 10/10/10

[Kimmerz]

Oh yes when kids are involved, it's like the wound never truly heals. I feel this every time I have to interact with XH. At times I wonder if he's suffered as much as I have and puts on a brave face at the same time like me.

[seeking answers]

I believe the MLCer is oblivious to the damage and suffering that occurs to the LBS and children in the beginning of their journey. They are much to focused on themselves.

As the LBS gains strength and confidence and starts managing their lives regardless of what the MLCer thinks or is even aware of is what sometimes draws the MLCer to at least look back and maybe even question the choices and decisions they've made.

It seems to be as the LBS stabilizes, the shoe of pain and suffering eventually switches to the foot of the MLCer.

It takes a long time for the MLCer to move in any direction if at all. During that time what is generally seen are just peeks from out of the tunnel.

I realize this isn't what all MLCer's do, just what I've observed in H 3 years from BD and from what I've heard and read from other LBS sitches.

Tad, you can hold on to your hope as long as you decide to. The trick is to not let it interfere with moving forward. I can tell you that knowing someone is still stuck and wallowing in their misery is not attractive. Making the best of the situation you're handed is. Thriving and not just surviving is key.

I am still standing after 3 years. One thing I'm not doing is letting the sitch keep me from moving forward. That way I'm prepared for any direction.

[tadpole1025]

Babbling....

Pretty emotional night tonight.

I realized something about myself. I'm either not as far along as I thought or I took a step back.

XW came today and picked up S19 to take him to lunch for his birthday. He turns 20 tomorrow. When they returned, S19 told me that "she talked about you a lot." He said she would just pop me into conversation. He said she asked how I was doing and if I was still seeing my lady friend. I am not by the way. He said that she talked about me just as much as OM and her wedding. He also said that she admitted to hardly ever talking about herself to other people. S19 said he got the feeling that it was because she was ashamed. She told him that she was going to send me a "happy birthday text" on Thursday, but decided against it because she didn't want to ruin my day. S19 told her that it could have had a double effect where it made my day worse but also made it better. She agreed. Why in the Hell would she want to say happy birthday to me? She didn't want to or do so last year or the year before.

She also told him that she cares about me a lot. Well maybe, but I don't believe you do what she did to someone you care about. But.....if she doesn't care, she shouldn't want to be my friend. See the confusion? I think I may be just as messed up as the MLCer.

The emotional part for me:

She told him again that she wants to be my friend. I don't get this. Why?????????? She has spent the last 2 years believing that I am the devil. I just don't understand how she would want to be a friend even with OM in the picture. Damn. If I "hurt her to the core", why would she want to be my friend? I've asked these questions a hundred times and still don't understand. She told him that it is normal for people in our situation to be friends. I'm sorry but I probably know about 20 divorced couples and only two of them are "friendly." Not "friends" but "friendly."

Now the tough part:

I'm not sure that I can be her friend without it causing me to have some sort of hope. I just don't think it is possible. Plus, to me, being her friend tells her that what she did is ok. However, if I do decide to stand for my marriage and hope to reconcile, that isn't even possible without a friendship. I just don't know what to do.

I asked S19 if he wanted us to be friends and he said "I want you guys back together." Well, that isn't happening unless I do decide to be her friend. I really don't know what I want. I think I could forgive her in time, but not sure if I can be a friend without having some sort of hope.

I just don't know.

I guess the question isn't "can I be her friend" but "do I want my marriage restored." I just don't understand the "friends" thing with the MLCer.

I'm just at a loss right now. Not only do I have to decide if I want to be her friend, but I need to make a decision before she gets married next Summer. I feel like I am wearing a watch that says:

08 Months 00 Days 00 Hours 00 Minutes 00 Seconds

It is like a bomb just waiting for all of the columns to go to 00. It's ticking and there is no stopping it. Every day it gets closer and closer.

Sorry for rambling. I'm just trying to be honest with my feelings. I like to write this stuff down. It helps in a way.

Can anyone explain the friends thing in any more detail?

Looks like I have much more thinking to do.

Tad

[tadpole1025]

P.S....

People that are friends

Call each other

Text

Share things

Go to lunch

Hang out

Confide in each other


People that are friendly

Say hello.


Tad

[Norfolkdumpling]

Tad,

This is one I struggle with too. If my H and I were friends how come he brought OW1 into my house and screwed her when I was visiting my dear friend who'd just been diagnosed with cancer? I doubt there's a "friend" in the world who'd do that. Yet he insists we should try it. He says it makes life easier. For whom?

Intellectually as a concept it seems like it's a cool thing to do. In reality, some days I manage it, some days I don't. Mostly I am civil. Friends, no, not really. My friends would not open me up and eviscerate me like he did. However we have no kids. Maybe that changes things. Yet, we work together, so see each most weekdays.

So in a very convoluted way I am saying, who knows if its doable! X

[Delboy]

Hi Tad, I’ll share something with ya. I do know where you are coming from, it took me about 2 years to finally let go of my Ex W. Some of these MLC’ers are so really screwed up it’s unbelievable what they do.

So regarding myself and my Ex W. I kept praying to God for answers, I believe he told me the following: Let her go, any future relationship(s) you enter needs to be with someone (emotionly) mature for it to prosper.

God bless you

Love

Delboy

[Soul.Searching]

Dellboy, I hope you don't mind me asking but how exactly did god tell you this? I'm not being "smart" or anything like that. I've seen similar things in OP's posts here and wonder,.., how?

Sorry to hijack your thread Tad, Just very curious about this.

[Delboy]

Hi Lisa.7, It takes a lot of prayers and bible study to find out in one's heart of hearts (what to do). As time went on, I learned about discernment and so with the help of God (through prayer time) and the discernment I now had, I woke up one morning and it became very clear to me want I needed to do, and what I needed in any future relationships.

God bless you
Love
Delboy

[Delboy]

Hi Tad, A lot of the MLCers say they just want to be friends. But most of them just keep on twisting the knife!
Here’s a song for you.

Love
Delboy

‘Can We Still Be Friends’

Songwriter; Todd Rundgren

(For me, the best version is sung by Rod Stewart: Note the lyrics towards the end have been altered and added to, probably by Rod Stewart to suit his situation when he recorded his version in early 1984).

We can't play this game anymore
But can we still be friends?
Things just can't go on like before
But can we still be friends?
We had something to learn
Now it's time for the wheel to turn
Grains of sand, one by one
Before you know, it’s all gone

Lets admit we made a mistake
But can we still be friends?
Heartbreak's never easy to take
But can we still be friends?
It's a strange, sad affair
Sometimes seems like we just don't care
Don't waste time feeling hurt
We've been through hell together

Where do we go?
Where do we go from here?

We can’t play this game anymore
But can we still be friends?
Things just can’t go on like before
But can we still be friends?

We awoke from our dream
Things are not what they always seem
Memories linger on
It's like a sweet, sad, old song

Where do we go?
Where do we go from here?
Where do we go from here?

I can’t play this game anymore
Can we still be friends?
Things just can’t go on like before
But I just wanna be friends
I just wanna be, wanna be, wanna be
And now I just wanna be friends

Yes, something I’ve learned
Something I’ve learned
Now can we still be friends?

Let’s admit our mistakes
Hmm, now

[tadpole1025]

Hi Delboy. Are you friends with her though? How is that going?

Tad