H have been living with his folks since 4 months after we were married. We were living in his grandparents place rent free and his folks were consolidating the 2 homes that they own. Since we couldn't afford our own place, we moved in with his folks. We have our own space in the basement but whenever his folks need him, they either call or yell down the steps. This put a straign on the marriage from the beginning.
H and I have joked about D for a few years. I've always told him that I wasn't going anywhere and that he was stuck with me. We always laughed it off.
H went from talking to me when things upset him to holding it all in. I would give him some time to himself and then I would ask if everything was ok. After being told "Don't worry about it" so many time, I gave up asking. We're still intimate.
Past year/year & half he bounced between M & D a lot more often. Jan, I loose my job but pick up another one w/in the same week. H upset that it's less $. Jan/Feb made the mistake of mentioning his depression and he got upset. We're still intimate.
H started helping female friend cope w/her marital problems. Her H is causing problems. Her H wanted to talk to me but she changed his mind.
Beginning of May he posted on my FB that he loved me more ea day. We're still intimate. H changes jobs. By the end of the month he was done. He wrote me a "Dear John" letter and sent me a text to let me know it was waiting for me at home. ILYBNILWY
Beginnning of June, female friend's D is final. I find out she's OW (EA). H contantly texting me at work asking about D, lawyers, $, etc. I visit Dr. get meds and set 1st IC appt for July on bday. Intimate again. Found concert tickets and got excited because I thought it was for my birthday. Found computer history if H looking up tattoo of OW's name.
Emotional appt. & came home to H negative because I questioned the tattoo appt he was going to schedule. Intimate even though we were upset. Couldn't sleep and H's phone kept buzzing w/texts. Glanced at phone and saw intimate msgs from OW professing her love and claim to H. It pissed me off and I didn't say anything when he 1st woke up. I let him read her texts before I professed my love and devotion even though our relationship was rocky. I asked about the tickets and found out they were for a buddy of his and he hoped I didnt' see them. I reminded him that he used the joint account and since I do the bills it couldn't be missed. I think he apologized but I can't remember. H mentioned OW is crazy.
H started working a job on the side to earn more $ and begins spending his nights with the guys that he's working with. He pretty much moved out of the house.
Sometime at the end of August or start of September H dropped HUGE BOMB. He wants kids but not with me. He doesn't want to be in his 40s and just having kids. He's 4 years younger than I am which set me off even more. He told me he wanted kids the year prior but said he lied. This time he told me that it was a mistake when he told me before because he didn't think I'd be excited about the prospect of having kids. I married him with the understanding that he didn't want kids. I gave up my dream of motherhood for my desire to marry the man I love. He continued to say that he was upset when my older sister (44) had her 1st baby because it showed that I could still have one.
H agreed to go to next therapy session. I was an emotional reck because it was only a few days after bomb. He admitted to being selfish in his decision becasue he was being a grown-up and making his own choice to end the marriage. He doesn't believe he needed to discuss it with me. He also said that he was tired of doing everything to make everyone else happy. He needed to focus on his own happiness. H never attended another session. H mentions that OWs husband is causing issues. I mentioned that last time he said OW was crazy. He covers saying that he was trying to protect me and OW from OWs Ex.
Come to present day: - H admitted to helping OW break up her marriage. - We're still intimate. - I'm taking positive approach to life / H. - H's talking to me more (life not D/relationship) - H's still talking, texting, visiting OW - OW has drama again and H came to her rescue. - H still wants D; not kids w/me
I found this website and decided I need some non-biased support. I've also borrowed DR from the library. I finished the first read in 2 days.
H agreed to anniversary dinner. I asked for it since it may be our last. We're going to go to the same restaurant as the day he proposed (at home). Today he mentioned that going there would tarnish the place considering what was coming. I told him that it wouldn't tarnish the place if we go with the intention of enjoying each others company. "No strings, No battles"
We'll see what happens. In my heart of hearts, I know that he's in the midst of a MLC along with the EA of the OW.
I'm NOT ready to give up!
Me39 H35 M8 T14 Early 5/12 H FB post re: his love for me. End 5/12 H done trying, writes "Dear John" letter 6/12 Wants D, calls ATTY, no file 1/13 Loves me, wants to try, moves home 3/13 Changes mind
Come to present day: - H admitted to helping OW break up her marriage. - We're still intimate. - I'm taking positive approach to life / H. - H's talking to me more (life not D/relationship) - H's still talking, texting, visiting OW - OW has drama again and H came to her rescue. - H still wants D; not kids w/me
If H helped break up OW's marriage then he is a real POS in my opinion. I have zero sympathy for homewreckers.
You're still intimate- this is what is referred to around here as "cake eating" because he's having his cake (OW) and eating it too (you). That's clearly not helping your situation so you need to ask yourself if you want to continue that. If it's hurting you emotionally then you might consider discontinuing that.
If you've read DR then you know what to do- don't talk about the relationship at all unless he brings it up, don't put any pressure on him to make a decision, don't give him ultimatums, etc. Detach and give him room to think things through. If he says he wants to leave then tell him you support his decision if that's what he thinks will make him happy. It probably won't, but it'll take him a while to figure out that all his unhappiness is coming from within, not from you.
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H agreed to anniversary dinner. I asked for it since it may be our last.
Don't assume that. None of us can read the future. Whenever I think about how I'll never get to do this or that with W again, I stop and remind myself that the future is unknown. Many people have reconciled against impossible odds and have better marriages now than before, so anything is possible as long as you hold hope in your heart. Keeping this in mind helps you maintain a PMA (positive mental attitude) rather than being depressed about things. IE, if you go into this expecting that there may be many more such dinners, then you'll more likely happily enjoy this one than if you go in thinking it's your last. PMA is EXTREMELY important to drawing your H back.
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I know that he's in the midst of a MLC along with the EA of the OW.
He could be, sometimes it's hard to tell a WAS from MLC. It's best not to try and diagnose your spouse's problems, but rather, follow DB'ing and work on yourself.
If H helped break up OW's marriage then he is a real POS in my opinion. I have zero sympathy for homewreckers.
I've never asked H about what really led up to OWs divorce. All I know is that they talked while she was having issues with her ex. He told me some of what was going on and I didn't question their friendship. I just didn't expect it to be more than friendship.
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You're still intimate- this is what is referred to around here as "cake eating" because he's having his cake (OW) and eating it too (you). That's clearly not helping your situation so you need to ask yourself if you want to continue that. If it's hurting you emotionally then you might consider discontinuing that.
During the first couple of weeks of the initial blow, I wasn't going to be intimate with him anymore. But, then I came to the conclusion that I needed the intimacy and closeness even if it didn't mean the same thing to him. I know that it's risky but I'm taking full advantage of his desire to be with me because we still have a fantastic connection in the bedroom.
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H agreed to anniversary dinner. I asked for it since it may be our last.
Don't assume that. None of us can read the future.
Since H has been working nights and spending the night with his buddies, I wasn't sure how he would respond to my request to the anniversary dinner. So, I phrased it that way to him. I know I probably shouldn't have done it that way but he agreed. Later, he questioned how the night would turn out. I was honest and told him that all I wanted for us to enjoy the evening together. No strings, no battles.
Yesterday, while H and I were texting (he initiated), he mentioned meeting up with me at work for lunch (which he's never done). I told him to let me know because I was going to bring something just in case he couldn't make it. When he sent me a text today, I asked if he was still going to meet up and he said yes, if I wanted to because he wasn't hungry. Long story short, he picked me up and we had an enjoyable lunch together. I was positive, acted "as if" we weren't having problems, and let him lead the conversation.
H also mentioned that when the other project is done (the one that's nights/weekends) he make bring his buddy's cat back home but he's not sure how it would work out since his mom is allergic to siamese cats. But then he threw in the "unless I have my own place by then." So there's a good chance that he's going to be back home. I've just got to stay positive but not over do it.
What really surprised me is that after he left, he actually stepped out of his comfort zone and sent me a racy text I was shocked and turned on all at the same time (I've sent them before and he never played along) . We didn't get the chance to play to much (bad timing) before he nixed playtime. I did tell him I enjoyed the exchange and that I appreciated how he stepped out of his comfort zone to send me the racy text.
Am I wrong to look at this as a positive or is it a game? I want to believe that it's a positive step forward.
Me39 H35 M8 T14 Early 5/12 H FB post re: his love for me. End 5/12 H done trying, writes "Dear John" letter 6/12 Wants D, calls ATTY, no file 1/13 Loves me, wants to try, moves home 3/13 Changes mind
H decided to send me racy texts again while I was at work. I played along for a bit. When I had to stop due to a work conversation, he called me a prude. I had to laugh because this is coming from a man that only sent me his first racy text yesterday.
Today was a good day and I'm still facing life with a smile and PMA.
Me39 H35 M8 T14 Early 5/12 H FB post re: his love for me. End 5/12 H done trying, writes "Dear John" letter 6/12 Wants D, calls ATTY, no file 1/13 Loves me, wants to try, moves home 3/13 Changes mind
I hope someone may be able to give me some insight on a new name that my H has been calling me.
H and I used to include pet names in our texts. Obviously, that's stopped and we usually address each other by our names or he'll sometimes call me "T" which is normal.
For the past month or so, sporadically, he'll call me "kiddo". For example: Later kiddo
Any insight will help. I mentioned it during my IC and my C didn't know what to make of it. I'm just happy that she's supporting me through everything including my desire to keep trying to save my M.
Thanks.
Me39 H35 M8 T14 Early 5/12 H FB post re: his love for me. End 5/12 H done trying, writes "Dear John" letter 6/12 Wants D, calls ATTY, no file 1/13 Loves me, wants to try, moves home 3/13 Changes mind
And, congratulations that your H is responding in your love langugage. Try to remember that in sex, your brain is releasing the same neurochemicals active in drug and alchohol highs. It is powerful stuff! (Only much better for your body.)
Enjoy the good feelings, but keep your head about you. Let these good moments fuel your GAL activities and let them be moments for him to desire more. Transfer all that postive energy you get from the experience to your work, your self-care, and your PMA.
If you find you can't handle the on and off of intimacy, then cut it off. Don't keep hurting yourself. Maintain your boundaries- if you are working, you cannot "play" though you may want to. Do you want the cat? You are right to focus on your life, your resposibilities, and what you need.
Most likely he is trying to figure out what he wants and is reconnecting to experience the good chemistry and relating you two have. Keep it postive, but also keep yourself emotionally safe. This is very tough to do. Our tendency is to focus so much on getting back together that not only do we smother our S with attention and demands, we bury our own hurt and leave ourselves open for more. You have experienced a lot of hurt in this process. Go slow in the relationship and trust rebuilding, continue not to pressure and be watchful.
Again, stay focused on your PMA and GAL'ing. It seems to be working!
Sounds like he's engaging in distance/ pursuit behavior. Sometimes he'll pursue, but if you take the bait then he'll go back to distancing. Try not to be too extreme in your reactions to his behavior.
As for the new pet name, I wouldn't read anything into it. Doesn't sound like it means anything.
Do you want the cat? You are right to focus on your life, your resposibilities, and what you need.
Most likely he is trying to figure out what he wants and is reconnecting to experience the good chemistry and relating you two have. Keep it postive, but also keep yourself emotionally safe. This is very tough to do. Our tendency is to focus so much on getting back together that not only do we smother our S with attention and demands, we bury our own hurt and leave ourselves open for more. You have experienced a lot of hurt in this process. Go slow in the relationship and trust rebuilding, continue not to pressure and be watchful.
Thanks DBintheBurg for the advice and support. As far as the cat goes, I would like to bring the cat over as long as it gets along with our 13yr old cat and MIL doesn't get sick do to her allergy to Siamese.
Me39 H35 M8 T14 Early 5/12 H FB post re: his love for me. End 5/12 H done trying, writes "Dear John" letter 6/12 Wants D, calls ATTY, no file 1/13 Loves me, wants to try, moves home 3/13 Changes mind
What can I do to combat his distance/pursuit behavior?
I enjoy the intimacy and don't want to give it up. I've been keeping my PMA around him and trying not to give in to the temptation to call him names or fight back when he's being mean.
H is home from now until Monday for medical reasons. Last night, I was open and positive around him and we talked lightly about various things (not about R or M). Even when he was texting I just made a light comment about his being popular. I didn't dwell or make a big deal about his texting because it's a sore subject and he's not ready to give it up.
H was also taking shots and asked me if I wanted one. I agreed twice but stopped and told him I was ok. He said that if I was "ok, then we wouldn't be having problems." When I asked what that meant he just said that I can take it however I wanted. I'm proud of myself becuase I didn't press any further because I know it would have tested my PMA.
Me39 H35 M8 T14 Early 5/12 H FB post re: his love for me. End 5/12 H done trying, writes "Dear John" letter 6/12 Wants D, calls ATTY, no file 1/13 Loves me, wants to try, moves home 3/13 Changes mind
Oh yea, in his drunked stupor (he was actually a happy, bubbly drunk instead of his usual po'd drunk), he said that he had a couple of questions for me but didn't want to ask me in the state he was in.
Me39 H35 M8 T14 Early 5/12 H FB post re: his love for me. End 5/12 H done trying, writes "Dear John" letter 6/12 Wants D, calls ATTY, no file 1/13 Loves me, wants to try, moves home 3/13 Changes mind
I was positive, acted "as if" we weren't having problems, and let him lead the conversation. 
. We didn't get the chance to play to much (bad timing) before he nixed playtime. I did tell him I enjoyed the exchange and that I appreciated how he stepped out of his comfort zone to send me the racy text.
Do you want the cat? You are right to focus on your life, your resposibilities, and what you need.