On 10/10/10

[tadpole1025]

Thanks for the responses.

Eric, I am not very good with words, but will try to answer your questions. I believe they were:

Why are YOU SO dependent on HER?
What are you really afraid of?
Why TAD do YOU THINK YOU ARE WORTH LESS than HER?
Why TAD do YOU FEEL the need to FIX HER?
Why TAD do you feel the need to hold yourself back from telling her to go F*ck herself?
Why TAD are YOU continuing to stay on this MERRY GO ROUND OF CRAZINESS? It is Low self worth, fear, WTF is it?

Dependent on her? I was very dependent on her for a long time. She was my rock. Now it is me. I have to be here for myself and my boys.

I do not think that I am worth less than her. Although, I was the one that was sh!t on and am holding down the fort as best as I can. Honestly, there are days when I feel like a piece of dog sh!t, but I do not feel less than her.

The merry go round is a b!tch, but it is slowing down.

As far as fixing her, I thought I could for a long time. It is my personality I guess. I now know that only she can FIX herself while I FIX me and work on me.

I also cannot tell her to go f*ck herself. That is not who I am.

Working on me - this is the hardest. I know now that I am a much better father than I have ever been. I am grateful for that. The relationships that I have with my sons (with exception of oldest) is better than ever. My oldest son and I are a little distant, but he has always been closer to his mother. I also know that I am not the devil that she has made me out to be even though I have struggled with that from time to time.

The hardest thing for me now is deciding what I want out of life. More work to do.....

As for me asking the question about responding to her text: I am just confused about being the "lighthouse" if I choose to be. How can I be that "lighthouse" if I ignore everything from her? How will she know that she can talk to me and come to me if I don't even respond to a text about my favorite band that has nothing to do with this mess? It is just very confusing. Will I be that lighthouse? I don't know but......if she DOES need to talk, I want her to that I am here. Atleast for now.....

Tad

[NotSureWhatToDo]

Why is this "place" called divorce busting when mostly it is divorcing / divorced and stuck / bitter and stuck?

I am read, read, reading but it just seems to me that I need to go ahead and get divorced since there is no hope...

[ericmsant2]

Tad

Honestly, there are days when I feel like a piece of dog sh!t

Poodle or Pit chit? Just kidding….Seriously though, what exactly makes you feel like a piece of canine excrement?

I also cannot tell her to go f*ck herself. That is not who I am.

Why? I mean really Tad..why not? Being angry is totally okay dude. You have continued to try and take the high road, you have continue to try being nice – it has not worked.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here…I think you are still standing dude. I applaud you for that.

I think you need to figure out if YOU want to stand or not. You really cannot do both. YOU stand or YOU don’t.

I’m gonna assume you still want to and FTR, I totally support that!

So if you are still standing…we need to go back to DB basics i.e. doing what works, not going down cheese less tunnels,etc.

Not being angry at her HAS NOT worked. I’m not saying to pulled up in the driveway and scream obscenities at her (although if you desire to do this…I have this one neighbor who is a pain in the arse ). What I am saying is that maybe Tad….SHE WANTS to see a little fire in ya.

I also know that I am not the devil that she has made me out to be even though I have struggled with that from time to time.

Forgiving ourselves is probably the hardest thing to do. I know. You play back every interaction, every mistake you made…you play it back over and over and over again. It is a process. As I mentioned DB basics…..the ole…”Stop Sign” approach. The minute you begin to think about a time when you f*cked something up, IMMEDIATELY think of something else. Something more positive.

The hardest thing for me now is deciding what I want out of life.

Funny…my GF is dealing with this as we speak. SO Tad, what is life to you? I mean really…can you write down 10 things that make you happy. They could be anything…anything…just 10 thinks that make you happy. Then write down, what your ideal life looks like..get specific dude. Can you post those? If not, you know how to reach me.

I am just confused about being the "lighthouse" if I choose to be. How can I be that "lighthouse" if I ignore everything from her?

First…this is why I believe that you are still standing. Second….how are you the lighthouse? Hmmm….you are the lighthouse based on how YOU live YOUR life. You are the lighthouse, when you are HAPPY and living in PEACE. Trust me, she will know (you guys have kids together). You are also the lighthouse by allowing her the space and time to make her mistakes, miss you, and come to the conclusion on HER OWN…that she wants the life that you are NOW or in the FUTURE going to…LIVE.

if she DOES need to talk, I want her to that I am here.

Don’t fool yourself…SHE KNOWS you are there for her. IMO, right now, being there is hurting YOU GOAL more than you think. DB is counterintuitive.

Finally, I am sorry for pushing you to move forward…I just realized that you really do want to stand and I want you to know that I am here to support you in any way I can.

Eric

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Why is this "place" called divorce busting when mostly it is divorcing / divorced and stuck / bitter and stuck?

I am read, read, reading but it just seems to me that I need to go ahead and get divorced since there is no hope...

NSWTD,

What's your story? You post it here and I'll likely authorize it.

Your definition of success is a saved marriage right?

Because you didn't type into google:
"Ways to grow while my wife wants a divorce."

OR

"MLC and how to become a better person"


For guys off the tope of my head:

Denver
Starsky
Me

There are others,

some posters fix their marriages and don't post anymore.


Those seem like long odds regardless don't they?



If you were in Vegas, I wouldn't put money down...

However, and this is a big however...

This isn't Vegas.


This is your marriage.

If you had a 1 in 2 chance of being married you would this.
(no brainer)
If you have a 1 in 10 chance you would od this.

What if it was 1 in a 1,000,000,000 chance?
Would you still try?

Isn't your marriage worth it? Isn't she?

She should be, so should your marriage.

Never look at the last number, becuase you are always aiming to the 1 no matter what.

Post your story please so people can identify with you start talking with you and try to help you.

You came here for a reason, willing to bet, hopefully it wasn't to make snide comments. ; )

[reachingHigher]

NSWTD, I just had to chime in. Yes, it looks like I'm about to get D. And I felt exactly the same way you did -- wanted the stats to be more in my favor.

I wrote a year ago today in my diary (long before I heard of DB) that we have a "loveless, empty M".

Today, I feel vibrant and alive. I feel like I gave 100% or more to try to work things out. I feel like I have some tools to grow and move on. I feel like I can leave this D without the bitterness that I always hated that I saw in divorcees.

The reading posts, stories, ideas, advices, IS serving to making me better NOT bitter. It's worth a lot, a whole lot, even if my M cannot be saved.

Tad, I read everything on your thread as if it is directed to me, I have always appreciated your honesty and love the advice you are given. I need to heed it too!!!

[Cadet]

I am read, read, reading but it just seems to me that I need to go ahead and get divorced since there is no hope...

Sorry HOPE is always alive no matter what as long as it is within YOU.

DIVORCE = SPACE

They are going to get their space no matter what.
Sometimes we have no choice about it.

DIVORCE is also just a piece of PAPER.
There are two types of divorce.
LEGAL which I think is what you are talking about.
And emotional(spiritual).
That is the part you CONTROL.
You may need to get a LEGAL divorce but that does not mean that you must give up HOPE.
Only give up EXPECTATIONS.

I believe that the LBS is the one that get to decide in the end.
And if you have not gotten to decide yet then it is not the end!

[Drew]

How did Mach put it?

^^^^^

The reason I am friends with a guy that lives over 3000 miles from me.....

(I live closer than Mach ....) :P

And one I've never met.

[Mach1]

How did Mach put it?

^^^^^

The reason I am friends with a guy that lives over 3000 miles from me.....

(I live closer than Mach ....) :P

And one I've never met.

That's pretty dammed close to what I said.


discounting mileage, tire wear, and coffee breaks....of course

[ericmsant2]

Sorry had to chime in since we are discussing "Mach quotes"...

Person 1 - "I trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is irrational"...

Person 2 - "Ummm..can you repeat that."

Person 1 -"I trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is irrational"...

Person 2 - "Ummm...can you say that again..."

Person 1 - "I trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is irrational"...

Person 2 - "Okay...one more time..repeat that..."

Person 1 -"I trying to have a rational conversation with someone who is irrational"...

Person 2 - "okay gotcha"

LOL....ahh...the good ole days.

[iluvme55]

Lmao almost fell off the chair......Eric u r one of a kind mijo....:)