On 10/10/10

[tadpole1025]

Hey there. What a perfect time for a brand new thread. My previous thread can be found here:

Is She Done?

Two years ago on 10/10/10, I was having a great day. I was watering the lawn while my wife was trimming the rose bushes. I finished watering and lit a cigarette. My wife sits down and puts her hands together and looks at the ground. She finally looks up and says to me: “I think I may want to separate after the first of the year.” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was dumbfounded. We had just celebrated our 25th anniversary, were making plans to paint the house and were putting things in place to go to Disneyland one more time before our boys were much older. Her statement was followed by what many people call THE BOMB….the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” speech. This came right out of the blue and hit me like a freight train. Everything was going great or so I thought. At that moment, my marriage was over. I just didn’t know it at the time.
That day changed my life forever. I later found out that she had been talking to someone that she met online and I didn’t have a snowball’s chance in Hell. Of course, she said I did, but I really didn’t. Her mind was made up and this was something that she had to do for her. I tried everything…begging, pleading, crying, promising……you name it, I tried it.
The demonizing of me began shortly after that. I was called every name in the book and accused of some very strange stuff….extorting money, not taking her to the right grocery store, cheating on her, not getting a vasectomy, holding her back, still having feelings for my girlfriend from the sixth grade….blah blah blah. If you are new here, I’ll say this: DO NOT EVEN TRY. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO TALK SENSE INTO YOUR SPOUSE. Unfortunately, I did not know this at the time.
Why am I writing this? Two reasons:
1) For me……as therapy.
2) For anyone that can be helped.
If you’ve been on this board any length of time, you surely know my story. If you’re new here, just know that I am one of the slow ones. I’ve been stuck longer than most, but I have learned a few things and hopefully someone can benefit from what I am about to write.
Things to remember:
A – Come here often. Read, read and read some more. Post, post and post some more.
B – The people here are amazing. They have all been where you are and are full of advice. Believe them when they tell you things do get better because it does.
C- Whatever you do, do not stay stuck. It has been 2 years for me and I am still stuck to an extent. I still ask why or if there is anything I could have done. DON’T DO IT. You won’t find an answer. You’ll waste precious time asking the questions.
D- The only thing that you can really do is move on with your life. Yes, it sounds harsh, but it is the only way. You can’t do anything about your spouse’s crisis. If you try to make them “see the light”, there is a good chance that he/she will run even faster.
E- You will probably get sick of hearing a certain word. That word is DETACH. There really is no other way. It has helped me to think that the woman I married is actually dead and in a way, she is. She is not the same person….not even close.
F- You will have some bad days and some really bad days, but they do become less frequent over time. It is okay to have them. Don’t let them rule your life though.
G – There is nothing wrong with getting outside help. If you think you need it, get it. I’ve been to two counselors and have been on anti-depressants for two years. Yes, this is tough. It may be the hardest thing you’ll ever have to experience. Get the help if you think you need it. Get it even if you don’t .
H – Take advantage of the time you have been given. You may not think so now, but if you work on yourself and live your life, you may find that you don’t even want your spouse back. Sure, I would love for things to be the way they were, but it isn’t going to happen. If she came back today, I don’t even know if I could take her back. If I did, it would never be the same anyway. The marriage that you once had is done. Gone. It isn’t coming back. Your spouse might, but the marriage that you knew is not.
I – Educate yourself. Come to this board and read as much as you can. It helps.
J – You will find that the more posts on this board that you read, you’ll notice a common theme. They all seem to say the same thing and give the same speeches. Why? Because they are sick and the alien has taken over. The alien may stay for a year or never leave. That is why it is important to live your life.
K – It is okay to want to save your marriage, but don’t expect it.
L – This is heavy duty stuff. Get ready for one Hell of a ride. It will drain you emotionally, physically and financially if you let it. Protect you and your children. Your spouse will run a bulldozer over anyone or anything that gets in the way. Stay clear and detach. (There’s that word again.)
M – I am going to be 45 at the end of this month. I’ve known my ex-wife since I was 16. She is no longer a part of my life and that hurts like Hell. It is what it is though. Can I do anything about that? Nope. The choice was hers. Let your spouse go. Why would you want to be with someone that doesn’t want to be with you?
N – Be prepared to find out about a third party. I know it is hard to believe, but there is almost always a third party involved. My wife was a virgin when we got together. The thought of her with someone else never crossed my mind until……I found an email. This came just weeks after hearing her say things like: “I value what we have. I couldn’t even IMAGINE being with anyone else.” Go with your gut. If you think there might be someone else, there probably is.
O – Do not snoop. You’ll only find something that hurts you even more.
P – Get used to being lied to. They lie as easily as they breathe. Sometimes, I think they lie without even realizing it. You are the enemy right now. They’ll do anything they can to hide something from you. A wise poster once told me to believe nothing they say and only half of what they do.
Q – Your spouse may “wake up” someday or he/she may not. There is no predicting how this will turn out. That is why it is important for you to live as if they are not coming back.
R – Take it one day at a time. Don’t try to look too far into the future. Live for today and tell yourself that it will be better than yesterday.
S – Don’t be mad at the third party. (I know. Easier said than done.) Your spouse is in full blown crisis mode. If he/she didn’t start fooling around with that person, it would have just been somebody else. The third party is just a symptom.
T – Don’t put a timeframe on the crisis. Sure there are averages, but that is all they are. AVERAGES. Some stay in crisis for 2,5,7 or even 10 years. Some remain there.
U – Face the fact that your marriage may not be saved. When I came here two years ago, I thought that XW would never go through with it. I thought that I could come here and find the magic formula to end the craziness and make her have feelings for me again. The fact is, your spouse is on a mission and if the mission includes a stop in divorce court, there isn’t anything you can do or say to stop it. If you get in the way, they’ll run you over.
V – Your marriage might also BE SAVED. Just don’t expect it. Something else you will hear around here is NO EXPECTATIONS.
W – Don’t give in to the temptation to call your spouse. No contact means NO CONTACT. Chances are, if you did call your spouse, they would either say something to give you false hope or say something that hurts you. It is best to have no contact with them unless necessary.
X - You may also struggle with the things your spouse has accused you of. You may actually start to believe that you were a bad spouse or you are a terrible person. Stop right there. This is about your spouse and not about you. If you get a chance, read some of the articles here on projection.
Y – Believe it. This was a hard one for me and still is sometimes. Yes, believe that this has happened. If you thought that something like this could never happen to you, think again. It can, it does and it did….to you. You’ll be surprised at the amount of people this happens to. Even if your marriage WAS perfect, there is no stopping the train. The seeds for this mess were planted long ago and probably even as far back as childhood. Again, it has nothing to do with you.
Z-Z is for zebra.
Take care.
Tad

***** HOT OFF THE PRESSES *****

I just got a text from XW:

W: "KISS is on Letterman tonight."

M: "Cool. Thanks."

Confusing as Hell.

[BeingMe]

Wow! Quite the trip you had there, TP1025. The ABC breakdown is interesting in that it showed me that I have gone through all that for the past 7 years, and now, at last, divorce is imminent. Your Y is what I have come to believe at last. Although, I think I knew it all along. I did the detachment, the GAL, the no contact-ish, but there was always that teeny-tiny bit of hope. He helped me keep that hope by being nice, always coming home, calling me, etc. But, that hope is just dust now. I know he's not coming back to the marriage, and I'm not certain I would want him now. He's living his own secretive life on his business trips. Who knows what he's up to ... it's another H, away from us, his family.

As my new thread says, it's no longer my business what he does. Except where the children and our finances are concerned. Isn't it sad that it comes down to that. He was my best friend, and now he's my co-parent, and "business" partner.

They are confusing, but also confused, I think.

[tadpole1025]

Yep. The belief for me was the hardest part.

I've got an update from tonight's text from X. About an hour before David Lettermasn came on, I got a text from her.

X: KISS is on tonight...

M: Cool. Thanks.

That was the end of the conversation. I watched it because they are my favorite band. She must have watched it too because a few minutes after they were on, I get the following:

X: Cool album cover...

M: Yeah.

X: How are you?

M: I'm okay.

X: That's good.

I ended it there with no response. Why does she do this? It is confusing. Maybe I shouldn't have even responded, but I did. I also wonder if OM would appreciate her texting me.

It's all very weird.

Tad

[AntoniaB]

Tad, quit asking why.

There is no answer for why they do these things.

Will it help you to know my XH who I haven't seen or spoken to or heard from for a year now did the very same thing?

He was living with OW all comfy in his new life and emailed to tell me that a very obscure writer he knew I liked had a new book out that I might want and that she'd be giving an interview on NPR.

I got hopeful after I read that email from him for about a week or so till I realized it was like some sort of flare from his la-la land and meant absolutely nothing.

[ericmsant2]

Your question…

Why does she do this?

My answer

M: Cool. Thanks.

M: I'm okay.

As you can see…you ALWAYS send her some sort of answer – hence she will continue to contact you.

Maybe I shouldn't have even responded, but I did.

Ya think…

It's all very weird.

Actually know it is NOT…..it really is quite simple. FTR, this is my opinion as I am not in HER head..

She feels guilty for her actions, so she reaches out to you to “gauge” where you are at. She also need “something” from you to let her know that you are okay. Why? Chances are it helps her sooth the guilt. If you are “okay”…then she did the right thing. If you were not okay…well then YOU were the one with a problem.

She will continue to touch and feel ……UNTIL YOU STOP RESPONDING…but then again, you really want to do that. Right?

Your next question then is probably….what about OM? Here is the thing, 1 – you probably should not give a chit but since I know you do, I’ll take another stab at mind reading…. I suspect that she has painted you as a sad, lonely, still in love with her man, who is also the father of her children – so just may explain to OM, that she needs to check on the father of her children to make sure you are not depressed and suicidal.

I would say that you fall for it everytime Tad.

Why not try this…..STOP RESPONDING to ANY TEXT from her. Only respond if the kids are sick.

Oh…..you never answered my questions on my last post. Then again that has been the pattern, you respond briefly and then your post get right back to what SHE is doing.

[BeingMe]

I think it's simply that they DO think of us LBS's. They were married to us for a long time, so things that we were interested in will remind them of us. And, just like us, they just have to respond to that reminder and contact us. Means nothing. Respond, don't respond ... it's all the same to them. I would say, for your own sanity, don't respond.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Z - is for Zebra.

That got me smiling.

The next time you start wondering "WHY" she is doing something...
I really want yout to try and think...

Instead of WHY...or Y

Instead think:

Z is for Zebra.

It makes as much sense as does wasting your time wondering 'why'.




I think (MOST) of them reach out, especially the women, not as a sign of wanting to come back but as a gauge to see if we 'hate' them. To make a simple offering of...something nice so we can all be that fairy tale "friends" they wanted us all to be; where we all including the OM/OW sit together on a bright sunny day and have a picnic and share pie and crap like that while we feed ducks and laugh at how everything is wonderful now, and how the MLCer knew best and it all worked out and unicorns cook us filet mignon...

My wife, when we were seperated would email me crap too.

Didn't matter that I told her I would only talk to her if it was about our mutual bills or our boys.

Later when she asked if I had gotten those emails, I tol dher very frankly that I deleted anything from her that wasn't about the bills or our boys.

She got quiet, but she couldn't argue, I had set down a boundary, she was testing it so she could feel better about herself? I dunno...I also more importantly DID NOT CARE 'WHY'. All I knew was that I was living up to my end of my boundary.

Not sure if thats going to help Tad, I hope it does.

[ericmsant2]

and unicorns cook us filet mignon

What? You mean they dont? Damn that would explain why my Google search for "unicorns that cook filet mignon" didn't return any results.

[WenikiTiki]

You guys have clearly led sheltered lives. Unicorns are real amd scary.

[beatrice]

Yes, but very specialised tastes! Not likely to worry anyone here.