GOALSETTING and followup with Zig

[albamarie]

Williams, so glad to hear from you! It's nice to hear that I can give even a little bit of encouragement to someone who can relate.

We are moving forward everyday...might as well pick our own destinations!

[Arsene]

Thanks for your comment Nero. You are right about the compliments and all. I used to do that while we were together but since she's left and is seeing OM, I feel that over-doing it that way might be seen as pursuing.

Re: the meditation, she has seen the effect it has on me and has already shown interest in literature I brought home. She's actually borrowed a few books and often asks questions about my classes. I have a feeling that she is curious about it and that she is tempted to go but something is either holding her back or she just doesn't want to make the time for it. The thing is, she's the one who showed interest in it initially and I went for it.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Thanks for your comment Nero. You are right about the compliments and all. I used to do that while we were together but since she's left and is seeing OM, I feel that over-doing it that way might be seen as pursuing.

Re: the meditation, she has seen the effect it has on me and has already shown interest in literature I brought home. She's actually borrowed a few books and often asks questions about my classes. I have a feeling that she is curious about it and that she is tempted to go but something is either holding her back or she just doesn't want to make the time for it. The thing is, she's the one who showed interest in it initially and I went for it.

When you consider they start these things up, and the feelings they have in it. You understand it's easier for them to keep on going the way that they are. They definately are not going to answer to you. Understand that. Also by continuing on the course, they will lose respect and care for you. In the end they may or may not even care about you anymore...

When you understand this, you will really look forward to DETACHING from it.

[nero]

hey hi- sounds good and good luck with it. nothing more frustrating than trying to share something you find great with someone you'd like to share with -is there? . it's the hard part - isn't it? not sharing with that person we've spent what feels like a lifetime sharing with. everything was always bettr when shared - good and bad.

it's so wacky- how it all goes soooo wrong, after being soooo right!! i sound delusional i know- but you know- i still am amazed i find myself here. my case - i was just blind and so busy in life putting good spin on everything and everyone (my either good feature or bad) - that i didn't see who i was really dealing with- or even consider the possibility he wasn't all the wonderfulness i always just thought he was. maybe i expected waay more to be there than was- oh well- im sure paying the piper now.

oquestion is- do we shelve our optimism in life if it's blown up so badly? or keep on being who we are and looking for the good side?

i tried meditation and find it really really hard to sit still. i've found that if i walk and crunch my stomach to the count or four- i can achieve some mind-relaxing place where i'm just walking and counting and my brain can chill and float away a bit. as close as i come lately to serenity.

I want to try again sometimes- my answer to stress in life or sorrow or all this kind of heavy duty emotion is to keep busy and keep the brain from thinking allllllllllllll the time. sitting still is fatal. but, good to know it works for you- maybe i'll try again someday when i'm "better" in general.

thanks for note- good luck to you. it's soo hard and awful- i feel like a fellow spirit to everyone out there.

i'm not excellent at this- the db- i'm trying and i'm better at some things- i don't think i'm pursuing- i am still here tho - and that's got to be construed as something (either pursuing or surrendering? i'm not sure what/which) . oh well huh? i used to think i had one idea about the man mind- now i realize possibly i do not even have one bit of knowledge.

onward & upward

[nero]

forgot to ask- have any particular input or tip about existing and being "okay" with your w having an om? i've got a h with ow and honestly- when i know he's with her - i'm filled with some really petty and awful emotions. do not even pretend to be neutral- i hate it.

thought i'd ask- never know what wise little insight or tip someone may have out there that helps me.

[Arsene]

Hey Nero,

I'll answer this on your thread so as to not highjack this one.

Cheers

[jzoom]

Broad Goals

1. Spend quality time together.
2. Be intimate.
3. No fighting.



Action Goals

1. Quality time.

a. Go on dates, just the two of us, at least twice a month.
b. Go for rides/walks with and without the kids.
c. Spend at least 15 mins per day talking about our day, fears, hopes, and dreams.

2. Intimacy.

a. Hug and kiss daily.
b. Flirt and cuddle.
c. Make love 2-3 times per week.

3. Getting along.

a. Let small things slide.
b. No raised voices, rude comments, or sarcastic remarks.
c. Openly share concerns and be understanding when the other expresses their feelings.



What Will I Be Doing?

1. Quality time.

a. I will be relaxed and upbeat in her presence.
b. I will look forward to whatever time we do have together and enjoy it, no matter what we are doing.
c. I will be her friend and will be supportive of her.
d. I will not complain about how little time we spend together.
e. I will respect her desire to spend some time alone, with friends, or with family without me.

2. Intimacy.

a. Currently, I will respect her desire not to be touched by me at all.
b. I will be her friend and only make contact as I might with a friend.
c. I will give loving, non-sexual, touch.
d. I will not complain about frequency of sex.
e. I will not pursue or push her for sex.
f. I will appreciate any love making as a gift given.

3. Getting along.

a. I will let small things slide.
b. I will not yell or raise my voice.
c. I will listen to, and adjust, the tone of my voice.
d. I will not glare, stare, huff, or sigh.
e. I will leave and calm down if necessary.
f. I will listen to her rather than waiting for my turn to talk.



First Signs – Baby Steps


1. Quality time.

a. She will tell me about her day and ask me about my day.
b. She will linger in a room with me.
c. She will text/call me.
d. She will be home earlier when I have a short night at work.

2. Intimacy.

a. She will not get angry at my touch.
b. She will sit closer to me and sleep closer to me.
c. She will touch me in a friendly manner.
d. She will initiate touch with me by touching my arm when we pass each other.

3. Getting along.

a. She will stop prefacing statements with, “I don't want to fight” or “without fighting”.
b. She will let small things slide without snapping at me.
c. She will not be snide or sarcastic with me.
d. She will be more relaxed in my presence and perhaps smile.

[LoisB]

Ok. I think I've come up with some goals.

Here's my story:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2286524#Post2286524

Goal Number One (Big Picture}

Ideal--A NEW marriage with my husband. A marriage where I feel able to be myself and we actually work as a team without all the judgement, criticism, rejection, betrayal and dishonesty. Sticking it out and being patient for today. Not sure how I will feel tomorrow.

Goal Number Two:
Successful business earning $5,000 per month net income.

Goal Number Three:
A Life. A balanced life including friends, eventually a lover (hopefully maybe?) my husband, hobbies and a clean house filled with love, respect and fun.

Baby Steps:

1. Want my H to text or call me for no reason other than wanting to communicate with me. (He has been AWOL)

2. Put my business finances for October in order. Think about advertising for another client.

3. Start a standing party on Friday nights called "Women and Wine" where my friends are welcome to come over Friday night and drink wine and chit chat. Send text out tomorrow. Also, continue planning Oct. 27th Halloween Party.

That's its.

Number one may require me to exercise my Wonder Woman powers!! And, those of a power greater than myself for sure.

Heather

[albamarie]

LoisB, it's great that you made your goals, it took me months.

''A NEW marriage with my husband''

''Want my H to text or call me for no reason other than wanting to communicate with me"

Try not to have any expectations about you H, so you won't set yourself up for disappointment.

I love that you set up your own business, great goal to for business earnings.

Good Luck!!!

[Tessa2012]

Hi everyone.

Here's my post: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2289763#Post2289763

I've never been big on setting goals especially good ones or ones that I've stuck to. So, here's hoping that these goals make the grade so to speak.

Goal: Spend more time with friends

- call/text friends at least once a week.
- Plan a girls night for one evening a month

Goal: Be more aware of my finances

- Look for part-time job
- Watch how I spend money
- Increase savings by 3%

Goal: Do more for myself

- Get a facial twice a year
- Buy 1-2 pieces of new clothes every 4 months
- Read 1-2 books/year for self-improvement
- Read 1-2 books/year for entertainment

I'm trying not to focus on H with these goals. I want to make baby steps. Are these too broad?