Goals Workshop

[mindfull]

Hi: If this thread is still open, I'd like to add some goals...

After almost one year since my husband dropped "the bomb-ILYBNILWUA," I've done nothing but push him further from me, act like a rejected puppy, and make my family unhappy. I'm so happy I found "The Divorce Remedy." I've been applying the DR techniques for a few weeks, with some really good success.

I'd really like to show off what I've been journaling on my own.

Me-42 H-44
Married 12-years, together 13
D-17, S-11, S-9
First Bomb-12/22/2007 – ILYBNILWYA (Moving out after holidays)
Early 1/2008 – Staying Home (physically, but not emotionally)
Second Bomb-11/15/2008 – I had an emotional breakdown, and he considered us "done."
11/18/2008 – Started reading DR, and implementing
11/18/2008 – RELATIONSHIP GOAL – 1st 180 – Stop pushing/calling/txting/emailing
11/18/2008 – RELATIONSHIP GOAL – Get him home again
11/21/2008 – 1st success – returned home, slept in another room
11/22/2008 – 2nd success – blew up, was horrible, (I LEFT HIM ALONE INSTEAD OF BEGGING, ETC...) He overcame it in minutes, was pleasant the rest of weekend
11/22/2008 – RELATIONSHIP GOAL – Sleep in our bed again
11/24-11/26 – 3rd success(s) - only called 1x/day, short pleasant conversation each time
11/26/2008 – 4th success – returned home, slept in our bed
11/28/2008 – 1st minor set-back – he saw me crying when I thought I was alone
11/28/2008 – PERSONAL GOAL – Read and commit to memory 1 Corinthians 13.
11/28/2008 – 5th success – really fun night husband and sons
11/29/2009 – PERSONAL GOAL – Succeed @ work! Get appt’s @ PE, Madison co’s.
11/29/08 – RELATIONSHIP GOAL – Really fun day w/sons. He came to bed early. I fell asleep. But, OK.....
11/30/2008 – RELATIONSHIP GOAL – Kiss me hello and goodbye again.
11/30/2008 – PERSONAL GOAL – Lose 5 lbs this by 12/5/2008
11/30/2008 – 6th Success – He hugged and kissed me goodbye!!
12/1/2008 – RELATIONSHIP GOAL – Another pleasant, peaceful weekend, filling his cup full of joy when he’s home.
12/2/2008 – 2nd minor set-back – too much of my initiated communication today… However, he DID call me, too.
12/3/2008 – 7th Success – Came home mid-week!
12/4/2008 – RELATIONSHIP GOAL – IF we sell the house, he looks for one for all us, not just the kids and me.
12/4/2008 - 8th Success - Got the appt w/PE!

IF we are able to have another pleasant, peaceful weekend, I would like ideas on how to spark his interest in me a little more... Not just as "Mom" (He works out of town during the week, only home on weekends usually.)

[jojo1]

Past & Current Goals:

1.) contact with A (H)
a.) phone contact
b.) email & txt contact

2.) A initiate connection
a.) keeping things fun & light

3.) connection in comfortable territory for A
a.) work
b.) coffee
c.) casual lunch/dinner

4.) socialize with A apart from friends (light-hearted)
a.) movies
b.) dvd
c.) dinner

5.) establish connection through mirroring

6.) when together be positive, affirmative, and supportive

7.) act in love

Goals Attained:

1.) A introduced connection by telephone call re: tax questions

2.) He responded to emails & texts
a.) quick response
b.) both keeping a light-hearted mood

3.) After going dark, A would call once every 2-3 weeks
a.) some internal bumps in the road sometimes (difficult process for me)

4.) I'm beginning to have a sense that he is becoming more comfortable with me, but he's confused about his feelings. His open behavior has shown me that his guard has come down. Yet, he is still protective. That's ok.

5.) We have talked on the phone, he invited me to his condo, we have had dinner a couple of times.
a.) we laugh, we talk, we encourage

6.) He is finding ways to initiate re-connection, even in small ways.

[jojo1]

Today's Goal:

1.) (A to meet me at my work) remember boundaries, remember being professional (at work), remember not to have to react negatively or show disappointment on my face if he disappoints me...to state disappointment and then be quiet is fine (if disappointed), remember light and happy.

Goal Attained:

1.) A came by work when he said he would.
a.) He handed me my insurance card and wanted my full attention, but it was very busy.
b.) He hung around for a little while, but I had to be with customers.
c.) After work, I called him...he answered...I joked, 'hi...bye!' he laughed. I told him that I was sorry that it was busy and I couldn't talk to him.
d.) We talked briefly...I ended it first
e.) In mirroring fashion, I told him that I could bring him his tax papers to his work...He told me that since we both had the day off on Sunday that he would call me and find me on Sunday.

Funny how things work out! God is good.

Something is happening for the good. I feel movement. I like it.

[jojo1]

Goal:

1.) risk taking re: A
2.) stating my desires with more definitive guidelines
a.) I used to say: Let me know when you would like to get together.
b.) Now I say: Hey, when would be a good time to get together?

Current Progress:

1.) A has responded positively.
a.) I'm not thoroughly good at giving myself more control, but I feel better about myself when I don't give it all to him. I feel better that I let him know that I have some boundaries.
b.) I'd like to get better at it.

2.) Some of A's responses have been neutral with a slant toward avoidance. For instance: I won't be able to get together this weekend because I have a party to go to. 'Maybe' Monday will work out. So, he takes back the control by saying 'maybe' or 'if' I come by it will be around 4pm.

3.) I try to keep things light with a joke...'Maybe Monday after 6:00 pm will maybe best for me' 'My goal is to mayyyybee have some fun'...'could...be'? 'may...be'?

[jojo1]

Ultimate Goal:

1.) A wants to remarry me

Sub-Goals:

1.) A initiate call more often for connection
a.) He has initiated, but the momentum wore off
b.) He comes by my work to see me or give me my insurance card

2.) A wants to see me socially (dating basis)
a.) we have a light-hearted dinner every six months

3.) A would agree to or ask me out to:
a.) movies
b.) go to theatre
c.) watch dvd's like we used to
d.) go to dinner, cocktail parties
e.) take me to a party

End of Summer Goal:

1.) Doing fun stuff alone with A
a.) laugh, talk
2.) Go to movies, dinner, lunch
3.) Go to gym

I'm not sure how to get there right now. I feel that something got out of balance. I'm not sure what happened. I sensed he was getting closer. Now I feel he is there, but he is very neutral (not here, not there, not moving, just still). I'm not sure how to get it back on track and moving forward again.

[jojo1]

Current Status:

1.) Not sure how to attain these goals.
2.) Having doubts that I'll be reaching my goals by target date of the summer.
3.) Re-reading Divorce Busting.
4.) Reading other books, they confuse me and make me feel apprehensive.
5.) Thoughts about how to connect with A again.
a.) why is he doing thing and going places just as he was before we were married?
b.) why couldn't he share what he enjoyed with me?

[jojo1]

Current Status:

1.) Mirroring is an interesting guide.
a.) it helps me make decisions on how to relate to A.

2.) After A & I met, I retreat back into 'darkness'
a.) it helps me get back to focusing on myself
b.) it helps me take a breath
c.) it helps keep me balanced. (my tendency is to advance again or have anxious thoughts)

So, L:

I guess we (A & I) have reached a goal. I want to force more onto him, but I hold myself back. I txt A letting him know that I 'might' (good mirroring word) stop by while I was out to drop off his papers. I dropped off his papers and I bought him some bakery choc. chip cookies. (I had to...it's a gift without being overwhelming). He accepted it graciously. We sat in his office. We talked, laughed, shared ... light-hearted, happy, joke ... laugh. I was my light-hearted, fun-loving, cute-self. Saying good-bye was kinda' awkward, but our kisses were better this time. He even walked a bit with our arms around each other.

I didn't give him the letter. I felt it would have been forced. I would like to rest or go dark a bit then ask him out for a drink. I did get anxious a bit after I left him. I get a strange happy/sad feeling. I get a little teary, but heppy. I then was making a mental list of all the things I should have said and shouldn't have said. That is why retreating afterward is good.

I am proud of myself, and I felt that A enjoyed my company, too. I want to stick to this game plan. I was feeling that all was lost a few days ago, but now I feel encouraged.

I AM GOING TO HAVE A GOOD SUMMER!!!

Big Hug,

[Laurie]

Wow JJ,
Great, wonderful, amazing, awesome mirroring!!!!!! It was inspiring to hear about your chocolate chip cookie trip. :o) You took a deep breath and found your way again, didn't you??? :o)

[jojo1]

Current Status:

1.) It didn't occur to me at the time that I was doing it but: achieved goal of bringing food to A.
a.) about 2 years ago, I wanted to make cookies and bring them to him. Instead of making them, I bought them - less threatening. I'll work up to the larger, more heart-felt gifts.

2.) with encouragement from my friend, E, I invited A (txt) to a party at my house that my roommate was having for his brother.
a.) it was light, friendly, open 'if you don't have any plans...'
b.) he responded...thanks, but I have plans
c.) I responded...light...'that's ok, next time. have a good weekend'
d.) He responded...'me, too. thank you for the cookies'.

3.) I was encouraged with his response. I didn't expect one. Funny how that happens sometimes.

4.) I let him know that I will invite again or that there will be a next time. I will ask again. I think that the right time will happen. I feel a little bit more encouraged.

[jojo1]

Goals:

1.) want to do something or go somewhere that would be interesting to talk about
a.) I have done this... or I went there... or I saw that show

2.) I am still wanting to take better care of myself
a.) I want to join the gym, but I have to check my $$$

3.) Going for a promotion for Sales Specialist
a.) $$$ (need it!)

4.) Want to go to the beach and to drive-in movie theatre


Current Status:

1.) Talked to my friend, E, yesterday to calm the ferret inside of me head. I was thinking about A's friend, D. I was thinking about all the places and things A sees and does. The ferret was hunting for answers about why does he go to see so many shows now and wants to take some many trips and he goes with his friend, D. He goes to parties and has plans on plans on plans...fancy restaurants, etc. She helped me to not let the wheel keep spinning.