My story, my progress, my hope

[Tinman]

Hard day! To much thinking and wondering. Last night went well. Wife even put her foot in my lap at dinner. Was nice. I did not over stay my welcome and came home. Today has been pretty quiet. W text me about but very short and about her buying a new car. The mixed signals are hard to deal with! Guess it is better that no signals at all.
I have to think she is just confused about what she wants and is maybe just testing the waters to see how i respond. Yes i held her foot when she put it in my lap but was casual about it.

Any thoughts on mixed signals?

[labug]

N expectations (but you knew that was coming, rigth?). Give the signals +/- no power over you because they will make you crazy.

[Tinman]

So very little yesterday. Went to watch football game with friends then off on a long bike ride and then some time yesterday evening with other friends. On Friday when I went to Sushi with my W she was not feeling well. So, this morning I called her just to see how she was feeling. She did not answer her phone which she has with her at all times. Not a good sign but... it is what it is. Left her a voice mail and just said hello and wanted to see how she was feeling and hoping she was having a good weekend.

So I am as usual struggling a bit and doubt within me about our marraige is great and what she wants.

I have a situation right now that I would like some advice on. I am in the process of buying a house. It is a house that is big enough for both my W and I. Had hoped it would help pave her way home. I am running into issues witht he loan. I can qualify but together we have a payment on taxes that we are paying on. Right now because we are only seperated they are using my income and both of our debt to qualify me for the loan. I am right at the edge and if they bring in the back tax payment that will put me over and I will loose the house. The crazy thing is that if we were buying it together they would count both our debts and both of our income and we would qualify. If we were divorced they would use just my debt and just my income and I would qualify but because we are seperated they use just my income and both of our debt.

Anyway in our discussion a few days ago she asked me if we should go ahead and file for divorce because no matter what happens going forward that marragie is over and what ever relationship we have together will have to be it's own.

So right now I am thinking maybe the best thing I can do is to go ahead and file divorce papers, try and get the house and let her know that I still want to date her.

I do struggle with this because of the upcoming custody stuff and I just feel like if I file those papers then all hope of us will be gone. Maybe that is what needs to happen to move forward for both of us but I just don't know.

Advice?

[Tinman]

Just to clarify no I do not want to divorce her but I can't help but to feel like that is what she wants and needs from me and maybe I should give it to her so she can have the peace that she wants. Also, my guess is that she is still texting and talking to the guy she dated a few times and she is being pulled in that direction.

[labug]

Lots of speculation.

Do you really need the house?

[Tinman]

Well received an email a little while ago. She is done and wants me to let her go. Said she just can't be what I want.

I told her I understood and supported her decision. We both tried and she needs to move on with her life and I guess I do too. No hard feelings and I guess I knew this was coming. Still love her very much and know that I need to do this for her.

So I guess my time is done here. No more trying and hoping only just moving forward.
I am going to let the house go and I guess let her go. Very sad about it but I know it is what she needs. I owe her that much!

Thanks for all the advice and best wishes for everyone still holding out hope.

[MrBond]

Sorry to hear you've given up.

You know that if you were to listen and actually apply many of what people told you, you can still save your M.

But of course, only if you wanted to.

Good luck.

[Tinman]

I will take that to heart. I would have liked to save my marriage and maybe someday we will be together again. Right now I feel like I need to support her decesion and try and let her go. She needs that and today I feel like a weight has been lifted.
Maybe by doing this I am saving a potential future. I don't know but I feel like I have been swimming up stream for the last 8 months and now I can just ride the current and let it take me where ever I am suppose to be.

I have tried to follow advice and let my emotions get the best of me way too often.

Hope that makes sense. She is a wonderful woman and if I truly listen to her and give her what she needs then just maybe....

[Tinman]

My W and I went out last night and talked. She told me that after friday night her son told her that he liked things just being the three of them and did not want to live with me and my D's again. That made her pull away and decide to push for divorce. She said after talking to him she knew she could never put him through that again.

I told her I understood and that I actually felt like a weight had been lifted. I have spent so much time trying to do the right thing and in the process feel like I lost who I was. This is very true and actually feel good about things. We talked about potentially dating and just having fun. We even kissed a few times and agreed to see eachother on Thursday night to celebrate the divorce and spend some adult time together.

I actually feel like our relationship will be stronger and maybe someday it will change into something more but for now it is time to let go of the past and just enjoy today.

I am sure I will have some sad times if she starts to date again but really I am surprised and how much relief I feel right now and I think that has helped her too.

[Tinman]

Mr. Bond,

I don't want to give up but really don't see how I can stop her from doing what she has her mind set on. I have made tremendous improvements in myself and my life. I have given her space only to find her starting to date another.

I guess in a way I figure that my 180 in this situation is not to fight it anymore. No asking her to reconsider and try to hang in there.

She told me that her S's have told her that they like things just as they are and don't want to live with me and my D's again. She has said that she knows she has to do right by them and she will never consider living with another person until her boys are grown. The youngest is 10.

After reading her email instead of getting emotional about it I told her that I understood and that I would support her decision. I really don't know what else I can do but try move forward without her.

She has agreed to have one last night together on Thursday. Dinner and some adult time. I made the request and was very surprised when she accepted. So that is where I stand. I have one last evening with my W and I want to enjoy it as best I can.

I am certainly open to suggestions.
My plan was to enjoy the night with her and focus on being happy and enjoying her company. Then when the night was over I was going to tell her in my heart I do not want the divorce but if it is truly what she wants then I will support her. Then I was going to ask if going forward we could try and date each other and keep all the other life dramas seperate. I am debating on having this discussion or not. I know that she is the only one that can decide if whe wants to have any kind of relationship with me. So maybe I should just enjoy the night and say good bye. I don't know. No I Don't Want to Loose my wife but feel like I am out of options. She said she was moving forward with the divorce papers this week and was happy about it.

Advise?