So, after months of wanting a break, to be alone without the kids, I arrange it, now she isn't sure that is what she wants...if she wants to be "alone"...
And, one of the kids has chosen to stay home all of the sudden...to go to a friends house, and for something that is "difficult to explain"...this is the middle kid and is a new teenager...the first reason I get, the second, idk...because we are really pretty honest with each other, it is perplexing....my monkey-mind can run on that for days...but I choose to not let it...kinda "okay, whatever". I am a bit disappointed, but I will get by.
Man, sometimes it feels like I live in an episode of the Twilight Zone directed and acted by Monty Python...
(PMA intact)
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I feel like I live with a rapidly cycling bipolar person with multiple personalities. Mix in the Twilight Zone, some X-Files and the comedy of your choice......
Admittedly, I've not gone through all 100 threads from your original post on this topic, but I read your first one in regards to the "feral cats". Could you please recap a bit for me? I've followed some of you threads here and there and this one appears to be more positive than sad or frustrated.
I may be off on this, but I thought I had seen you mention that she's been in MLC for 4+ years? She's come out of the fog a bit, but only to run back in? Were you the one saying that she was getting married again? If so, how's that working out if she's coming to you to confide in?
When did you notice she was coming to you to open up? What shows up as different between today and 4-5 months back? I know I'm asking a lot of questions, but I have reasons to ask. I'm not holding out for my W to come back into the fold, but I do see many similarities to so many others.
Since she's moved out, my W has gone from keeping the peace to looking at me with contempt. It would seem that she's having an even harder time with being in the same room as me knowing I don't want her there. I try to be at ease, but it's my house now and I want to make it a home. Her periodic appearances only makes her more unwelcome.
I think back to all the things my W has said to me. The things that can make a heart shutter. I ask you these questions, not because I'm sitting around waiting on my W to come home, but because I'm tired of hearing her say she's sorry only to follow that up with a dagger to the heart comment that justifies her feelings that she'll spit at me.
I'm being patient with her, because I want her to find what she's convinced is the answer. I want her to find it, because she'll never stop running unless she sees she was wrong.
I am working on detaching, but I have to get through my bottled up feelings before I can be free.
"she's been in MLC for 4+ years? come out of the fog a bit, but only to run back in?"
--about 3-4 years, in hindsight. I didn't figure it out until last fall, the first phase (2009) I thought was just a EA with old high school boyfriend...little did I know that it would stir up more things and unanswered questions within her. Little did I know the effects of slipping on my changes would have...lol...but i have learned here that even if I had not slipped on changes, she would have had mlc phase 2 anyway, she wasn't done working through her past issues.
"Were you the one saying that she was getting married again?"
--nope
"When did you notice she was coming to you to open up? What shows up as different between today and 4-5 months back?"
--when I truly backed-off, gave TONS of space, learned the art of silence (or, STFU) and engaged listening, and stopped trying to control the outcome, all of which helped me finally get the detachment thingy functional, then things started changing in both phases of my W's mlc. She came to me on her own, maybe because the above had been proven over time as real, maybe because OM soulmate showed his true colors like the others did and she is settling for me (OR, is it because I stood true and proved I AM the BETTER choice? lol). Over TIME, I won her trust that I wouldn't react poorly, or try to fix her, that I would validate her and let her find her own solutions....TIME and CONSISTENCY. Otherwise, it was/is all her choosing. She hasn't told me the "why and how"...I just roll with her actions right now. Maybe I will find out, maybe I won't...who knows? Not a "need" of mine atm.
"I think back to all the things my W has said to me. The things that can make a heart shutter. I ask you these questions, not because I'm sitting around waiting on my W to come home, but because I'm tired of hearing her say she's sorry only to follow that up with a dagger to the heart comment that justifies her feelings that she'll spit at me."
--This is "normal" mlc behavior...remember Sandi2's 37 rules? Believe none of what they SAY... Do not take it personally, you are just the "easy button' right now, when you quit reacting/defending (and she WILL know if you are faking it or not) that will decrease over time. I can't tell you the horrible, devastating things W said, and you know what? SHE doesn't seem to remember them...their minds are working overtime in 20 different directions...they say what they feel at the moment and then the moment is gone and its off to something else.
"I want her to find it, because she'll never stop running unless she sees she was wrong."
--2 things....1)She may never stop running, some don't, especially when they discover that they just might be/are wrong, it makes them run furtherer and fasterer.... 2) What if she doesn't ever see that "she was wrong"? What if she isn't? She obviously doesn't think she is wrong now. This is your reality my friend.
From your post to AJ on your thread:
Quote:
I can tell my indifference is annoying her greatly since she's used to my sarcasm and reacts to me as though I'm being sarcastic about everything even if I'm not. Sounds strange I suppose, but I can see it.
It is not strange, over the years spouses "train" each other in what to expect from the other...she expects sarcasm, that is what she will "hear" (real/intended or not) right now...give it time, and try not to slip...banish sarcasm from your life (its tough, I know, it is a bad coping habit I am working on myself)...sarcasm is really just veiled malice.
RH -- You are right that detachment normally comes pretty easy to me in all areas of my life EXCEPT my R and M...thinking back, and Golf Mom clued me in in her post earlier in previous thread, I think when I finally "got it" that I could not control the outcome, and stopped trying, and trusted God/Universe/the process of Life/etc and ME, that detachment started falling into place in this sitch...once I opened the cage door for W is REALLY flowed better.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
I had a great weekend camping with our youngest, just the 2 of us...very life affirming for me. No agenda, playing it by ear, no cell phone, no computer...
I spent a lot of time thinking after he went to bed, 3/4 moon rising over the mountains, river rushing by, cheery campfire...life is good, in spite of everything. I found some peace, some trust, in life, in God.
W continues to make a huge effort in resolving her things, not always smoothly, but continuing to push herself. It seems there is some quiet background "working on our R", without "really" working on it...idk. It is enough for now. For the next 5 years? No. For now? Sure.
W has started explaining what's going on with her and apologizing if necessary (usually it isn't) whenever she thinks she might have angered/annoyed/frustrated me. I validate and thank her for letting me know. I have had to do the same as well a few times when I realized I was wrong or the issue wasn't her, just something within me.
W redecorated our bedroom (she even calls it "our" now) and moved this one piece that says ILY from behind the door to my side of the dresser, right above my alarm clock...hmmm, is it a subconscious message? W is very artistic after all. Idk, but it is fun to think so, just in case, but without expectations, just sorta fun...
Reminded me of hrm's H's toothbrush migration patterns...oh the things we notice...
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Great stuff T^2. I suppose I should start off by responding to my "stop running when she realizes she was wrong" comment. That sounds very arrogant of me and didn't come out right. Your observation of that comment is spot on. I do know that I played a role in this, but as with all of us, I did what I did with those tools I had.
I'm no different than anyone else here in that I care enough to aquire new tools - and not just borrow them. I also believe that I'm worth fighting for and I'm not wrong about that. Where I believe my wife is wrong, is the choice she made to run away. She, like others in pre-MLC, tried to tell me, but I didn't have the right ears on to hear her. Like you, I know her path was pre-set and I could not have stopped this train no matter what. I've never believed in time travel and I'm sticking to that. If I could go back in time, it would be to get the hug I had wanted from the woman I took for granted, but I would be careful not to change what must come to pass.
I know my W is wrong, because I know what makes her happy and I know I wasn't always good about making her happy, but that the changes I've been able to make only frustrate her even more because I could have done this long ago. She's not wrong about me in many ways, but it's on me to prove she's wrong in all the right ways.
My W is following so many leads from so many others. She was seemingly cast aside by friends she thought she was closer too, she joined Facebook and started reliving a different past, she started finding others (un-happy folks) to become friends with because they validated and "needed" her. These are just a few small things that started her progress. I just don't understand what you and others are saying about them not remembering the cruel things they say. I have ADD and even though I'll buy pancakes, but forget to buy the syrup 1 shelf up, I've never forgotten emotionally charged comments or conversations.
I wonder if it has something to do with them seeing us in a different light? Like maybe we're familiar to them, but not the same? I wonder if it has something similar to more extreme levels of ADD than mine, where they focus on 1 task so strongly that they can't see further than last week until the moment has past and realized they forgot about it when they spoke to us.
Where I believe my W will stop running, is when she stops to see her family. They are all very close to each other and they all know what she's going through - except her. They tried to tell her about MLC and she shut them out, so now they are like me, watching and waiting from a distance. My W feels as though she was in a marriage void of love and tenderness and that's how she left me feeling in regards to her current relationship with her family. I've never seen her act like this to me or her family and they're close enough to her to have seen her start to change when her close friends abandoned her 2+ years back. None of us knew what to expect and I was the most ignorant of all of us. My W can't stop running from her family forever. As for where I fit in? She'll realize in time (months/years?) who I am. I was guilty of believing she'd just always be here and she is now just as guilty of that about me. I don't know where I'll be, alive, alone, or involved elsewhere, but I'm just working through this puzzle like everyone else and detach.
She has an EA and he is miserable, but since she's moved out, he's within walking distance of her new home. I believe it's part detachment, part repressed feelings and part not feeling guilty, that allows me to sleep at night and not give her a second thought. It's my drive to get to my next chapter, but also read her book that keeps me here looking for answers. Quite honestly, I'm very content with not texting or talking to her. I don't want too so going dark on her comes easy. I don't much care if she comes to me about anything, but I'm not completely gone, I do want to keep a light on so she knows I'm willing to listen and not fix her.
Well, it did not change my behavior or demeanor towards W at all, just something I noticed, went "hmmm, interesting" but didn't take seriously at all, just a "what if" speculation for fun, habit...
I am very aware of the "stage" she is at, I saw it last summer...could go either way...continue climbing out of the tunnel, or run again. So I stay backed-off, let her control the distance (for now), be the best me and not slide back on my changes, keep moving forward for me and the kids.
Maybe it just the effect being back country has on me, i come back all zenned up.
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
but that the changes I've been able to make only frustrate her even more because I could have done this long ago.
Yup, RT, there you go, that is perceptive, our W's waited for those changes for a long time, now we get our turn to wait...possibly the biggest lesson to learn, that you/I could have done these changes long, long ago, weren't listening and to never again take any R for granted and keep our ears clean, like Mom taught us.
I don't if you sounded arrogant, or maybe just more righteous and score keeping...
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
(PMA intact)
