BeingMe I love this part: "NEED makes a slave of you, WANT sets you free". That's so awesome, I'm going to memorize that and repeat as necessary!!
You also hit the nail on the head with the part about the effort to mold yourself into someone else's idea of perfection. My doctor told me I couldn't negotiate a friendship with the guy I was seeing unless I would be entirely "myself" with him. The funny thing is that there was a period of time, even a short period, where I was entirely myself with him, and it was when we were friends only, no bennies ;-) Once physicality got in there, I suddenly was wanting to make him commit to me, and that's what drove the whole Antonia trying to be a slightly altered version of herself.
So obviously I need to just keep being true to myself and realize that if someone can't be friends or more with me as I AM, then that person is the one with the issue, not me.
Thanks!
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
So obviously I need to just keep being true to myself and realize that if someone can't be friends or more with me as I AM, then that person is the one with the issue, not me.
Or put another way, they have different needs and wants then you do. Here's the thing in my opinion: you took a step and tried something out. You learned sooooo much from the past and from that experience. That's a good thing. Learning to date is more about us learning what we do and do not want and what we will and will not do. It's about learning if we can be ourselves and be loved for who we are. Learning what we are willing to change about ourselves (sacrifices for the sake of a relationship in any relationship are normal, but can be unhealthy if taken too far, right?)
I think you learned something very valuable in this past relationshihp. I think it's a very valuable lesson because it helps shape your acceptance of you to a whole new level. We sometimes see ourselves differently. That's based on experiences and you are out gaining new experiences. Some experience in being alone is also a good thing as we get to know ourselves without other external factors.
I'm proud of you for standing up to get what you want out of a relationship. I know it is not as much fun as we'd like, but I see it as a growth opportunity.
I did similar. I'm still learning to try and be friends with that person. I can tell you it is not easy if that helps, but for me that's something I want to learn to do if possible. Learning what a normal relationship looks like after being married for so long. To do that, there are many growth opportunities. Some are not as much fun as others, but they are all valuable.
Be true to you always. Don't be anyone else, Ant. It's not a good path and you are loveable just as you are.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Ok so, couple of issues creeping up, but I want feedback on one thing in particular.
Because I want to meet new people, and it's very hard to do so in my area (small town) who are my age (because all the new people I meet tend to be 18-21), I joined an online dating service. I made it clear that I want to seek out new friends and then if it goes something further, great. I weed out nearly everyone I come across. I'm very picky I guess. But one guy out of 100 caught my eye from his profile description.
So I contacted him and we have been emailing. The longer we email, (just a few days really but he's very responsive), the more I feel like this guy is really "together" and emotionally healthy. He just seems in a really good place. And the more I see this, the more damaged I feel about myself.
I think that I've only ever been attracted to "damaged" men. Men with emotional problems that I could try to fix. Men who couldn't connect who, through the sheer magnitude of my efforts, would either reach me on some level or be trying to. My friend told me it's because I'm a perfectionist, that I need a project. That a "normal" healthy guy isn't enough for me. There is no challenge. I agree with this.
So as our first meeting gets closer (it's Thursday) I just feel like a deer in headlights and feel like I want to bolt. I feel like I'm only going to HURT someone who is healthy because I'm messed up. Sure on the outside I'm successful and have overcome a lot. But on the inside? I'm not just dealing with betrayal from years ago. I'm dealing with constant anxiety because I can't get used to being alone. I'm trying really hard to overcome it but I wonder if I will EVER be a normal healthy person emotionally. I really do.
It's not that I have a timeline and am trying to be over the past traumas in too short a time span. It's that I know that I've had "issues" emotionally my entire life. That I don't know if I even know what love really is. I've said it but only as a codependent. And it's like a tidal wave that I'm trying to hold back, this stuff that makes up who I am.
I feel very stuck. I want to be connected to people, and I want a relationship with someone. And I'm tired of watching my life go by year after year alone for the most part while I'm not sharing companionship with someone else. I could die tomorrow, you know?
But I also feel like I'm this very damaged person inside. And the tough part is that I feel that another year or two alone isn't going to fix the damage. NOTHING WILL. I'm a perfectionist and I'm too hard on myself and I'm anxious and my anxiety can cause me real problems, and I've tried for 3 years now of therapy to fix it all, and I just can't. All I've done is develop better coping skills. But I can't get rid of the root cause, which is that this is who I am.
Now can you see why I want to run from this first meeting with someone? I don't want to hurt someone who seems so together. I don't understand how to deal with someone who is as kind as this guy is. I really don't. I'm used to having to work to entice someone to me, to open up. I don't have to do ANYTHING of the kind with this guy. And it's positively freaking me out.
So....help. I know this is not a "dating" forum, but this issue is really part of a larger issue in terms of trying to come to terms with feeling like a damaged person and trying to navigate any relationship after recognizing how messed up we can become post-betrayal, post-all this introspection...
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Hi, I tend to agree with Wendy - I think you are a perfectionist, but not as damaged as you think - in my experience really damaged people think they are OK and the rest of the world needs to shape up!
The other thing is that [relatively] undamaged people have very very good radar for damage. They may decide to go along with it in others because they value tthe person [no-one is wholly undamaged] You are an extrovert I suspect and get your energy from others, and stuff going on around you. Recognise that and perhaps stop labelling the need for others as damage. Anxiety is an issue, but there are mechanisms for coping with this.
Let the new guy worry about himself, and you save your emotional energy for you. But I do wonder about your living alone when it doesn't really suit you - it suits your perfectionism [I am being intrusive here I know] In a world of couples, living with friends is considered unusual, but I do think post divorce it can be a life saver, and stop us jumping into another relationship because we are lonely.
Human being, particularly women, are group animals, and we need others on all sorts of levels. There is nothing wrong with that.
The responses above are really helpful. Thanks for taking time to write, Wendy and Beatrice!!
Oh wow, in other news, I forgot to even tell all of you my book has been published. I've been so distracted I've not paid much attention!
Anyway I wanted everyone to know that I thanked all of you in my acknowledgments. I thanked "the members of the DB board and online friends." That means all of you. I didn't want to put anything strongly identifying the name of the board or MLC or anything to protect identities, but that generalized phrase refers to each and every person who has written to me or listened or inspired me from these boards. I could not have written that book without the wisdom and support from people here. And I wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for what you've done, for me and really, for each other.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Antonia, You are not damaged goods. You've learned from your mistakes and have been more than willing to share what you've learned along the way. No one is perfect and we all have issues of one kind or another...it's what we do w/the the knowledge and acceptance of who we are that counts.
Congratulations on the publication of your book! Can you share the title w/us? I'd love to read it.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Hi Snodderly, thanks for the response and support!!!
I especially like what you say in your last sentence on acceptance...so true.
Just google "Beyond His Dark Materials". That will take you to it. It's pricey, unfortunately (all academic books are) but you could always try to find a library that has it.
M45 Bomb 6/09; EA 6/10; Divorced 1/11 Proud single mom of 7 little feline girls and one little feline boy "Fall down 53 times. Get up 54." -- Zen saying
Thanks! I will do a google search and then check around to see who may have it.
Take care of yourself and know that you are loved and admired by many.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I am going to hijack your thread for a second, well sort of, since I know you are our ENGLISH expert here. And famed book author.
Do you or does anyone else know if when Lewis Carroll wrote Alice in Wonderland it had anything to do with mid life crisis?
It seems very strange to me that he wrote this book and it really depicts a world that is so strange and yet so similar to the one we discuss here every day.
Ok I am sure I could do some research on this subject but I just did a google search and did not quickly come up with anything.
Anyways I thought that if anyone knows the answer it might be you.
