Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

I am such a freaking moron and am so mad at myself.
Why do I do this?

Saturday H was being a little evasive about where he was going. I said 'oh, okay... was just curious'. He finally said he was going to a friend's house (friend who he lied about going to before).
I saw that he groomed himself a little more than usual.

I knew the latest girl was in town. I stupidly checked online and and of course, she is posting where she is going to be. It wasn't until I read about her drinking his favorite drink that I started to think that he lied. (He didn't). Then she posted about how she wanted to 'take care of' and would have amazing sex with my Husband that night. I called him freaking out. He didn't return my call until an hour later. He didn't see her. He was where he said he would be.

So I got mind-played and it was my fault for looking.

The next morning, I tried to explain how my a+b looked like it would equal c. I was still upset at the thought and how stupid I was. He was tired from being up so late and told me that he didn't want to have responsibilities and he liked how he was living. He came over and I was so frustrated and made some list that showed him how much I was actually responsible for (99% of the work), vs his playing video games and watching S for 1.5 days. That made him irritated with me. I told him I was too stressed over having to take care of the entire house maintenance, selling it, all the chores, doing everything for S to get ready for and attend school, pick him up, do the night stuff, work full time also - and I didn't have time to work on anything else.

He was shutting down emotionally and it just rolled down hill. We got into childish fight, reminiscent of early March. He said it would be easier if we just divorced. He took off after getting to the point of frustration where he broke a door jamb after I locked him out when he was leaving. I called and called him and called him. Like a moron. I wanted to 'talk' and he didn't. He eventually turned off the phone.

I am so mad at myself for regressing so much. For me acting childish.
I am angry that I am responsible for everything.
I am angry that I thought he wanted to 'try' like he said. But was it just to appease me and so he could still come/go as he wanted? Was it legitimate?
I am angry at myself for allowing that stupid girl to get in my head.

H works a different schedule than I do. He can't change it. I need help. If H gets S ready for school, that means he needs to come over here each morning. Is that acceptable? I was trying to keep boundaries but I'm cracking right now. It's a lot of work and I don't know how to manage it all.

[LIO]

Journal:
I have to turn this around for me.
Ok...thinking.

--I need to make sure I go to work. I can't regress into a mess.
--I can ask my mom/dad to come over midweek so I can get out of the house.
--Do not pursue H. Let him call. If he doesn't feel like it, it's not me. It's him. Do this for the week.
--Stop checking her damn messages. Willpower.


Not sure if I should just look at moving out now. Just cut the cord. leave the house.

I am not feeling rational right now.

[LIO]

Journal: Stealing from Cadet's post for a reminder:
------------------------------
Reconnection starts with things, animals, children and we are last.

So this could be part of the script.
All you can do is treat him like a squirrel.
No sudden movements that might scare him away.
Consistent actions is more important than anything else.
Keep up your changes and have more patience.
_________________________

H came over, fixed the door jamb. I made a joke about it which he took well. He apologized for the door, I apologized for reading her posts and despite him not contacting her, making her words HIS action. I told him I would not read her posts, and her words are NOT his and I was wrong and ruined the whole day. He got uncomfortable. He left shortly after (his intention anyhow). And here I am.

I texted him thank you for the door. I will not be contacting him again. (Yes Kat, I DO mean it.)
What worked for the last couple of weeks was I was low drama and the other girl was high drama. She still is. I can't handle the anxiety and stress and I need to back off NOW. Also, H acknowledged that the 2 weeks he didn't 'fight', neither did I. Life just flowed. It was nice and no stress.

Ok. Back to square one.
--What do I want out of life?
--I am avoiding what?
--What have I been missing out on for the last 2 years?

[kat727]

Keep going the path you are on. Remember not to get excited over positive crumbs and it is fine to ask him to clarify something . Don't tell him what he has to do. There will come a time when if things are to work between you then that can all be laid out but not right now when he is just starting to put his head back on his shoulders.

Feel free to journal more. I will keep a look out for you. kat

[LIO]

Journal: Received a 'chat' from H asking me if i was going to fill in the paperwork. Gah....

He says it's drama that I 'fight it'.
He doesn't want drama in his life.

Do I do it? Or do I just wait it out and let his emotions calm? Our fight was bad, and I took his shoes when he tried to walk out. Not at all my best moment. I am embarrassed. I hate that he wants to have no responsibility, he doesn't want to talk things out. He leaves when he doesn't get his way. I get frustrated that I am trying to clarify, or I don't get a confirmation and he walks away. There is no communication in that. Even when he said he was going to 'try'... what did that mean.

If I attempt to set up boundaries, then I am punished. Or it's me being 'controlling'. The punishment is usually him to throw out is divorce paperwork. Sometimes it's him starting a friendship with someone (only to have her turn out like this other gal). Or him avoiding me further.

Let him. that's the answer.

And no contact from my side. No emails, phone calls, texts. Time to go back to that. Yes, the positive crumbs do not make up a loaf of bread.

[DaddyLongShanks]

Journal: Received a 'chat' from H asking me if i was going to fill in the paperwork. Gah....

He says it's drama that I 'fight it'.
He doesn't want drama in his life.

Do I do it? Or do I just wait it out and let his emotions calm? Our fight was bad, and I took his shoes when he tried to walk out. Not at all my best moment. I am embarrassed. I hate that he wants to have no responsibility, he doesn't want to talk things out. He leaves when he doesn't get his way. I get frustrated that I am trying to clarify, or I don't get a confirmation and he walks away. There is no communication in that. Even when he said he was going to 'try'... what did that mean.

If I attempt to set up boundaries, then I am punished. Or it's me being 'controlling'. The punishment is usually him to throw out is divorce paperwork. Sometimes it's him starting a friendship with someone (only to have her turn out like this other gal). Or him avoiding me further.

Let him. that's the answer.

And no contact from my side. No emails, phone calls, texts. Time to go back to that. Yes, the positive crumbs do not make up a loaf of bread.

"scraps" do suck. I always tell people, even an "average" relationship beats a bad one, where you know you are being "cheated".

I just said on another post, you may have got caught in a "persuer-distancer" arrangement, and you may just have to do your own thing for a while and the WAS may just pursue, and if they do not, you had to do it anyway.

[sweetbabyred]

Lio, sorry you're having a bad day.

I also had an argument with H last night and posted today about not settling for accepting a life where I'm happy to get any crumbs that H will throw my way.

Be strong and let your H make the effort. If he truly wants to try and make it work, he'll be willing to do some of the work himself.

Concentrate on yourself for now. That way, no matter what happens, you know that you'll be okay.

It's hard, and I'm trying to give myself the exact same advice, although my H doesn't seem to want it to work right now. I need my H to really find out what life would be like if he chooses to end our M and maybe yours needs to see that too. Back off and let him make the moves for now.

[LIO]

THank you SweetBabyRed for stopping in! I am learning more and more about myself, and all the things I can improve on. I always thought I was a great wife, who did anything for my H.
I see now that I have work to do.
I argue, I push. I don't let things go.
I found this post that I am going to do: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2148215&page=1
on getting busy with something else. If I say something and H doesn't respond or want to talk, I need to go clean a closet.

He isn't talking to me now, so I may have all the closets cleaned shortly. May need to move on to the garage!

[kat727]

He certainly loves to play games with you. No one says you have to play too. Walk away from his games and keep on the strong path.

hugs, kat

[LIO]

Games. Yes and I didn't want to play today. I've been thinking about how I want to spend my life. How I can stop playing into the game.

Today I felt stronger.

I decided that if we talked, I would be chipper. But since I see it's a game to him, I decided to not waste my effort.

The rainy season is coming up (urgh). I have some new goals for the next 3 months:
1) get my son some hiking boots. We are going to go outside. I don't think it's fair to keep him inside all year. We need to get used to the rain.
2) I saw that a local gymnastics club has adult classes. It's something I've always wanted to try since I was a kid - so I'm going on Friday! Eek!
3) My weight loss is actually happening! I'm starting to look like someone who likes to exercise. I discovered a new section in the bookstore now that I no longer spend time in the diet/weight loss section.
4) Going to get back into some sketching and work on a art journal. Will help get some of this anxiety out, and put it to good use!
5) S has been asking for some roller skates. May have to pick up some for myself! Will take him to the skating rink first
6) I enrolled in a parenting class. I think I'm a good parent, but any help will help. Plus they cover dealing with argumentative teens. Okay...I'll say it. I admit that maybe I'm hoping I'll learn some techniques that I can practice on H right now. By time my S (5) is a teenager, then I should know what works!

I'm feeling good today. My dad said something we all know: "Just do things that you want to do. Don't worry about how it will affect your H."