I'm sorry, but right now, she is getting what she needs. That's why she's doing it.
Generally, letting go of the WAS gives them the opportunity to get away from the chaos/stress/pain of the sitch and have time to reflect on what they're missing, remember the good parts. In your case, what do you think that would be? What would she be missing? (And your girls don't count as an answer.) What would she want to come back for? (And "because she loves me" isn't a valid answer.)
DB principles include doing 180's -- the opposite of what you did that they didn't like. You've listed one of the primary reasons for her leaving is the chaos imposed by your exW. But that isn't going anywhere. You can't do a 180 on your exW because she will always be there. Heck, the current custody situation isn't even over with.
Are you trying to care for your W or get her to come back? They are two different questions with two different answers. To the first question, caring for your W, I think you need to let her go for now, at least until the custody fight is over and you/she actually know what you're looking at for the future. If you're just wanting to know how to get her to come back, I'm not sure you're caring for her at all. This is where I said that until a LBS understands what drove the WAS away, there won't be any improvement. Caring for her means not wanting to put her in a situation that will most certainly cause her pain.
Before you can ask her to come back or even expect her to consider it, you need to create a safe environment for her to come back to. The middle of a court battle with a crazy exW is NOT it. In the meantime, you need to figure out ways that you can provide that. There needs to be a buffer between you and your ex. Perhaps part of the court order could be communication only through a legal mediator. Or you need to block her calls to your phone. Whatever means you can employ so that your W doesn't bear YOUR burdens when they're not hers to bear.
Heart broken. Tonight pretty much marks the end. So this evening after several days without contact I walked a few doors down to say Hi and drop off a couple of cards that my kids made for my W. When I walked up I noticed a car parked in front of her house but assumed it was neighbors, hoped anyway. As I walked up to the front door I could hear her talking to someone. I rang the door bell a few times and left. Then I text her and said that I had stoped by and could hear her talking but she did not answer door. Said I left a couple things that the girls had made her on her door step and if she had time the girls were asking to see her. She text back and said sorry but have a friend and her husband over for dinner. Maybe later. So the same car was parked in front of her home yesterday for a while but again really no big deal but it got me going and my mind to start spinning. Livng 5 houses down stinks. So I look out the window periodicly and a few hours later just a guy comes out and gets in his car and leaves. She then text and says if the girls are still up they can come down. So I am fuming and I walk down. I ask her what is going on. She said what I just had a friend over. I said you lied. You said it was a friend from work and her husband. He was alone. She fist said oh so you are spying on me. I said I could not belive she lied to me and that she is seeing someone. She said yes she has seen this person a couple of times but it is not a relationship. I told her I was heart broken and had hoped we would still work this out. She said that last week she realized that no matter what happen in court with the custody my crazy ex wife would always be in the picture and she can't live like that. So I cried a bit asked her to please give it some time and to not close her heart to me. I gave her a hug and said good bye.
Yes I did numerous things wrong as usual and guess I feel like I just need to move on. Focus on my kids. Just so hard to think that this woman that I love has started dating. In a way maybe I needed this to be able to let her go. Just so sad to lose all hope with something I thought would last forever. I know wake up, be a man, GAL and all that but I so did not see this coming!
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Sleepless night. So hurt with her actions. She had to know that living 5 houses away I would see or at least there was a chance of me finding out. Maybe that is why she did it so that she could finally end things. A month ago we were back and she loved me and wanted to work our marriage problems out now I just don't see any hope of ever repairing all this damage.
Not sure how I am going to handle this. At one point tonight I thought that I would write her father an email and basically say good bye and defriend everyone and her from facebook. But I know that give her family is Mennonite it would really hurt them to know she is dating and still married. So sad and lost.
Truly did not see this coming! We had talked before and told each other that we would let the other know before we started dating someone else. Guess I had to find out the hard way.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
W text me this morning and said she was moving forward with filing papers for divorce. Said she will file today or tomorrow.
In a way it is a bit of relief. Been working at this for 8 months now and not knowing being pulled close only to be pushed away again has been pure tourcher.
I will always love her but this kind of ends things. No more hoping that she will change her mind and come running back to me. Well i guess i will always have a little of that but not the nail biting waiting on the phone to ring kind of hope. Let go and focus on my girls.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
And no i did not send the letter to her Dad. I was angry and hurt but i dont want to hurt her purpousely. Going to miss her family to but guessing it might make things easier for her if i just defriend them.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Sorry, Tinman. I know that must be tough. I hope the two of you can remain cordial for the sake of the kids, at least until the kids aren't interested in continuing a R anymore. It will also help with the D.
I think we will be able to remain decent to each other. So much hurt on both sides. She is a wonderful woman and I have no anger toward her. Hurt, sad and disapponted and yes I will always love her. That said I wish her nothing but good going forward. I will always be grateful for out time together. She has been a tremendous help to me and my girls going through this custody mess and I do realize how painful this has been for her. She needs to move on and I need to let go. This has just been too much for her and really it would be for anyone. I have to stop kidding myself. I will never be able to have a realationship while I am still dealing with my crazy ex wife.
Going to a divorce support group tonight. Was going last week but got side tracked. Really be helpful to talk to someone face to face and get a shoulder to cry on.
Going to be hard to go outside and see her new friends car sitting in her driveway. In the process of buying a house. Something I thought would help pathe the way home for her but now I am going to be alone is 3400 sq feet of heck. At least it will finally be a place my girls can call home.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Yesterday was very hard. As the day went on things got a little better. My mind was spinning all day about what I should do, how I should feel and in the end I guess there is nothing for me to do. I just have to move on and stop hoping for something to happen or for the phone to ring cause chances are it's not going to happen.
Went to a divorce support group last night. It was interesting and it helped. A lot of the people in there were coming out of very long term relationships. I only had 2 years into mine so I can't imagine going through this after being with someone for 20 years.
Thinking about sky diving this weekend....
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Stopped by my house today at lunch and my W was driving by and stopped to say hi. She text me a little bit later and asked if I had lost more weight and I was looking good. Exchanged a few texts. Then I asked her if she would consider filing for seperation papers instead of Divorce papers as I just was not ready to give up on us. Her responce was that after seeing me today she was having a hard time filing either one.
I asked her if she would consider dating me. Keep relationship with kids seperate and just spend time enjoying eachother. She responded Maybe.
Still some hope but after the last few days I think I know she needs to do what is best for her and I need to try and protect her from my custody battle and my crazy X.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
