GOALSETTING and followup with Zig

[zig]

Hi d-man - i am so sorry ,for taking so long to reply to you. I hope meanwhile that you have started working towards achieving your goals

I was listening to the KLA tapes earlier this week and MWD says that goals should be stated as action oriented - and using action words. and they should be small and easily achievable.

it's great that you took the time to read through all the pages - i hope they helped you, and i think they did because you have stated your goals pretty clearly. lets clean them up a bit shall we? i'd like to see them way more specific and broken down into smaller steps. (you strike me as the sort of person who will do really well with that and be able to take leaps and bounds )

the idea is to get to the end of the first week and look at your very specific list and say - wow i can say yes to every one of these and then grin very very happily

1. what exercise ?- if it's running, how many miles etc. don't be shy - this is only for you . how much will you add on or improve in 2 weeks? and come here and tell us
"do things with male friends - too general - can you write down who you are going to call and meet and what you will do with them? make specific plans. this is important, because this one slides very easily. are there some gal that you can do on your own? go to the library, meet up groups? activities that you can do on your own - even if it's a walk around the block. lonliness can get very difficult to deal with in our sitches, so the sooner you go out and do it on your own and find out that you can enjoy it, the better. if you're not ready for that, don't worry about it now.

2. this one is too general and not achievable as a specific goal within a short period of time. this is a process that develops in stages and one that is really hard to monitor. lets reframe it using actions which will help you in the detachment process.

so write down what You will be doing when you

a) thought stop - there's a grab thread w/ suggestions over on the stay solution focused board
b)quit snooping - what will you do to stop the urge
c) stop worrying - look for specific actions that you can go to when you are under pressure

3)this looks good from the specific point of view - but i'd like you to monitor it everyday for yourself - write down what worked so if things don't go well, then you can see what you need to adjust

4 ) what will you be doing when you spend time with her - make a plan, stick to it! of course check with her if she's good with the plan


for all of them - add on : How will i be feeling when i do this. add as many feeling words as you can and when you hesitate to do them, say to yourself - i will feel like this if i push myself a little to do it. it really helps

so lets start there, and if you could spend some time rewriting these - and for now - really only see them as what you will work towards for a very specific period, like 1 or 2 weeks

good luck and keep encouraging yourself to take baby steps, you are just where you need to be right now

zig

[zig]

Hi Mrs D - what a great job rewriting - did it help you to stay more focused? I hope so

Thought stopping is hard - we all know and it takes a lot of vigilant conscious effort, so I really understand what you are going through. unfortunately when we keep doing that we sort of rewire our brains to go there all the time without realizing it, so we have to work hard at rewiring again

so be patient and gentle with yourself. there's a difference between thought-stopping when we are obsessive and thinking about our ditches in a thoughtful reflective way.

i just noticed an old thread on the staying solution focused forum called thought stopping - i just read a bit - and there are a lot of suggestions there.

Mrs. D - try to go to feelings that you have about them rather than just thinking about them being together - go to the feeling you get and recognise it and acknowledge that you feel that, and then focus on forgiving and letting it go. it will take time and so we have to be patient with ourselves.

also - learn to catch yourself doing it as soon as you can - and force yourself to adopt another behavior e.g..: do the opposite of what you are doing - if youa re standing, sit down, if you are in, go out etc. or a light slap on your face, will redirect your brain. ice on the wrists - any new movement or gesture which will redirect your brain and as it redirects, you get that little space which you can then use to go find something else to do

it will get easier over time as you work on yourself and resolve your own issues and get stronger emotionally

good luck and don't forget to come monitor your results, please - so it encourages you and the others here to do so

zig

[keep_going]

Zig,

I hope you don't mind if I come join this thread... I can see that you are already helping a lot of people, but I need to re-focus my energies since I am starting a new and challenging phase in my sitch.

I have a preliminary list of goals, but will refine tonight (I had too much coffee today) and will post them here tomorrow.

Thank you in advance for all your help!

[zig]

there can never be too many on this thread - welcome the more the better, and the better for you - which is the most important.

i'm sorry to hear that there are new challenges, kg - and kudos to you for recognizing that the BEST thing to do is to refocus with some goals.

so yes - come pile them on here and we'll get started.

take care of yourself - and don't forget -when you are already edgy, too much caffeine will just make it worse, right ?

see you soon
zig

[Desperate man]

Thanks Zig,
This was a start to create a plan. Some of these goals are not possible with my Sitch. Hopefully I can bring these goals back into the future. So lets get started breaking these down.

1- Is my favorite right now. Exercising is providing the only enjoyment in my life. So staying on course with this will be easy. I am running 3 miles 3 days a week. I really do not need to add anymore miles. Just keep doing it. I am lifting weights on the other 3 days. This is where I can grow. I do need to get more weight to add to what I already have. This will be a 2 week goal to buy more weights to my program.
2- Is GAL- This is one that needs some attention. This is one of the W complaints. So I definetly need to 180 this. Schedule is very tight right now with little extra time. 2 kids in differnt sports right now. I did go to a football game on Friday night with a friend. So that is a start. I also went to Church yesterday which I have not been to for awile. The next 2 weeks will be tough to do anything new. But will look for opportunities and use this time to schedule something fun to do.
3- Detachement- Still fighing with this one. Need to gain some knowledge on this matter to have a plan. So this will be my goal for this week to gain some ideas and present you a plan.
4- Improve Communication- I will ask everyday when I see her when she or I gets home " How has your day been" I will work on being postive and not negative about work or busy schedule. I will also listen and not offer controlling comments to her about what she did that day. She was gone this weekend until late last night. I stayed up to visit when she arrived. We talked about each other weekend activites. This did seem to work well, she seemed like she wanted to listen and tell me about her weekend. This did make me feel better because we do need to communicate better. Even if it feels like I am talking to a co-worker not my W. This is hard to deal with but this ties into the detachement. I figure talking to my W like a co-worker is better than not at all. I need to continue this and see if it improves.
5- This is the one that may not be possible right now. This would be going against the 180 rules and also putting pressure on her. I am also afraid to ask her right now if she would even consider doing anything. I will have to ease into this one slowly and watch for her signal to advance in this area.
DM

[Arsene]

Hi Zig,

I'm here following the advice of Bond, telling me to write relationship goals

"I have been reluctant to set goals which include some sort of feed back or reaction from my wife."

This is what DBing is all about. You have to set goals.

"I have seen some of these written by others but i feel that my wife is too unpredictable for me to make proper assessment of what is working and not working."

That's why it's all trial and error. Not everything you do is going to work, but you never know until you try. This is just your fear talking. Do you honestly think that everyone who made goals had a "predictable" spouse?

I've been through this entire thread but it seems to me that all the goals here are personal goals. I've re-read DR Chapter 3 on Goal setting as well as the "Think Goals!!" thread and this is what I came up with, but I'm not quite sure how to refine them, or how to achieve them.

1. I'd like my W to occasionally contact me just to chat or ask how I am (I never initiate contact and whenever she does, it's always about D8 or some sort of logistical issue)

a)I'll achieve this by making sure she is comfortable and relaxed when ever she's around me.

b)I'll know this is happening because she might start by being more personal in her D8/logistics correspondence.

2.I'd like my W to open up and talk about her feelings.

a)I'll achieve this by listening and validating wheneve she does open up about anything. Goal 3 will also help her relax more in my company and perhaps help her open up.

b)I'll know this is happening because she might just start by talking a bit more about her life at the moment, work, friends, family.

3.I'd like my W to feel more comfortable when we're together.

a)I'll achieve this by being consistently upbeat and cheerful when she's around and by refraining from judging her, criticizing her and making her feel guilty. I'll also need to appear detached as to not seem pursuing/pressuring.

b)I'll know this is happening because she might laugh more and not be so tense and cold when she's around.

4.I'd like my W to start working on herself (IC, meditation, yoga, anything really)

a)I'll achieve this by showing consistent improvement in my behaviour and by occasionally sharing information about my meditation classes.

b)I'll know this is happening because she might ask me even more about my meditation classes and I think she would be more relaxed and less angry.

Thanks for your help Zig

[keep_going]

Hi Zig,

As promised, here is my list of goals for the next two weeks. I look forward to hearing your imput!

1) Increase my PMA
HOW?
- Smile constantly with everyone, all the time
- Use stop-sign technique to stop negative thinking
- Read inspirational quotes daily
I WILL FEEL better about myself, more upbeat, more positive and find more good things about my life, my efforts to become a better person and my progress.


2) Focus on improving one lacking area in my communication skills - my tone of voice
HOW?
- Use a lower, softer and calm tone when asking kids to do something
- Use a slower, softer tone when speaking to others
- Pause before responding
- Not interrupting
I WILL FEEL calmer, less anxious and even when something affects me, I will feel in control of my responses.
I will also notice a different response or reaction from others towards me and my R with others will improve. They will notice a calmer, softer side of me.


3) Be consistent about exercising
HOW?
- Start with 3x week - on days I don't have kids doing any of the following: jogging, swimming, tennis, road bicycling or yoga at home
- Other days, at least go for a 30 min. walk with S1 during school hrs. (3x week)
I WILL FEEL less stressed out, sleep more profoundly, have a more PMA and will be able to react and act with more patience. I will look better.


4) Work towards getting 7 hrs. of sleep every night
HOW?
- Start by getting 5hrs every night, by going to bed by 1am every night for the next two weeks
I WILL FEEL rested, be in a better mood, think with more clarity and have more energy throughout the day and will be able to find more patience within myself.

5) Improve my eating habits
HOW?
- Do not skip meals
- No caffeine after 5pm
I WILL FEEL like I have more energy, will lose the few lbs I have gained lately, and will be less jittery and will not lose sleep at night. I will feel better about myself and look better.

6) I will continue working on my spiritual growth and emotional well-being.
HOW?
- Read 1 hr. every night
- Journal every day - even if just for 10 mins.
- Continue going to church on Sundays
- Do gratitude lists when I wake up and before sleeping
- Go to meetings once a week
I WILL FEEL more content with myself, will find more patience and empathy and compassion for my efforts and my progress. I will also feel more love towards myself, as I am taking care of myself. My self-esteem will improve and I will be a happier, healthier person.

7) Be more consistent with my personal GAL or social activities outside of my daily routine.
HOW?
- Call and see girlfriends at least 1 day a week - listen more
- Socialize with parents once a week & foster their R with kids
- Update FB and check in with friends
- Get out of the house when I don't have kids - even if going for coffee, walk, go to the beach, bookstore, etc.
I WILL FEEL more positive, will have more fun, will feel more loved and cared for by my friends and family. My R with them will become stronger little by little.

8) Continue improving my R with my kids and being a better mom for them.
HOW?
- Be more present, share and play with them - focus only on them
- Work on correcting them less, and focusing less on manners and more in having fun
- Continue laughing, singing and dancing with kids daily
- Continue showing physical and verbal affection thru out the day; cuddling with each every evening and during bedtime.
I WILL FEEL like I am a better mom for my struggling kids. I will feel more connected to them and more satisfied with my efforts. They will be happier, more confident and feel safer.

9) Implement consistent baby-steps to establish a new R with H.
HOW?
During our in-person interactions, focus and act only on:
- Smile
- Listen
- Validate
- Praise
In written interactions:
- Continue to not initiate, unless necessary kids' loginstics, respond in a friendly way and not right away when not needed
I WILL FEEL more at peace, will continue improving my detachment, will begin to create space for goodwill and good feelings to emerge between the two of us. He will act less defensive around me.

Thanks again, Zig! You are so generous with your time and help to others here.

(((ZIG)))

[TD35]

I am hoping some regular readers from this post can help me critique my goals? I am looking for any type of feedback at all and am happy to answer any questions.


Personal, family (focused on my children) and professional/career goals

Personal

Goal: Continue every-other-day exercise routine.

Action: Run each time while working on distance and time. Continue to eat healthy and provide a good example for the kids.

Measure(s): Lose last 7 pounds and maintain desired weight thereafter.


Goal: Increase my opportunities and to GAL

Action: Begin to focus on GAL activities that are not solely focused on my children. While this mainly leaves only nights available, take advantage of community, church and other social events.

Measure(s): One non-child event each week.


Relationship

Goal: I will work to see my W with the same heart, mind and eyes I used when we first met regardless of the current pain she is causing.

Action: Focus intently on listening and not reacting. Validate feelings and allow her to lead the conversation. Do not focus or turn conversation on myself. Exit first once appropriate.

Measure(s): W eventually increases confidence that she can talk with me and conversations become less heated and more reaffirming for her. Ultimately conversations of this nature increase month over month.


Goal: Live the “37 rules” each day.

Action: Read the “37 rules” three times a day until I am living them.

Measure(s): Complete reading – if I am doing it right I will note less missteps in my journaling.



Goal: Be the person I want to love, be and to communicate with.

Action: Create an environment that is welcoming, safe, warm and reassuring.

Measure(s): Increased self confidence. Increased regular communication initiated by W. Regain ability to joke and have a laugh each week together.




Family

Goal: Continue great relationship with my kids and being the best father possible

Action: Continue success with patience and help them focus on sharing, kindness and love. Help them use their imaginations more and explore the world with a new set of eyes instead of all the boundaries I used to create correcting them. Reinforce love through verbal and physical affection.

Measure(s): Increased positive moods. Better listening. More independent play.


Goal: Find one new activity each week that can be done as a family and invite the W to join us. Do not have the event depend on her participation.

Action: Take advantage of local classes, outings, events, etc that the kids can enjoy and learn from.

Measure(s): Kids discuss the great time they had at previous event as we give our nightly thanks for the things we are thankful for.



Professional / Career

Goal: Increase network opportunities for career change to be initiated in 6 months.

Action: As part of GAL goal, stop passing up dinners, networking opportunities and social event that would allow for professional contact and career growth.

Measure(s): Increased contact list in relevant professional areas.

[nero]

heyhi-

i need to be setting goals too, and am having a hard time starting. i just thought of something tho, in response to your goal of getting your w to do something for/with herself- and you were going to share more about your meditation.

my sister is "into" meditation (well, was) and she tends to tell me in response to anything and everything- that i need to meditate also. while i know she's trying to help andf share something that she thinks helps her - i get alittle "put off" by her constant urging. we all need to find what peace we can in our own ways. .

I thought it might be helpful - that maybe if you just manage in every conversation to compliment your wife on something (look , attitude, handling of something) that she did right and that you like about her - you may convey your "approval" instead of a "suggestion for improvement". - nothing makes a woman warm up and feel the possibilities - than her h actually showing- telling - what he likes and sees positive about you - rather than advice on h ow to be better.

i've read mwd books and realize she says it's how men interact & communicate- by solving problems and offering solutions. BUT - girls just would like to feel like they are appreciated just as they are- and then, if she were to ask what you thought or for a suggestion- you could say what helps you.

i've got my baggage here- it's just a thought tho, since I am a w trying to communicate with a h - it's hard enough sometimes to just capture the feeling (without his specific communication) that this guy actually likes you and the person you are - and remember HOW THAT feels & felt -

there's always so much "other stuff" going on- just a humble suggestion- i find my particular h can't seem to bring himself to say much that is just plain ole "good" or complimentary. i want to just give up in the face of such aridity sometimes. (hope i'm not offensive- you may be a very upbeat & complimentary guy, in which case, forget it) but- it did occur to me

[nero]

Hi zig-

I would like to participate with your goal "classes". I read everyone's and they sound so focused. i'm having trouble- but here goes:

1. Stop feeling pressured to "make a decision" every day about my life with this guy - (go or stay)
How: a) reread the db chapter on mlc every morning w/ coffee
b) remind myself every time to stop- & remember I can always start a new life when i'm absolutely SURE I do not want him in my life. & HAVE PATIENCE


2. keep walking every day - & do stomach crunches so don't think while walking.

3.