So what do I do when MC is saying its good to be affectionate and W isn't at all. I am not being affectionate as well and trying to follow sandi2 rules in regards to not initiatin contact, ILY's etc... So confusing now. Thought I had a great path but not anymore.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
So what do I do when MC is saying its good to be affectionate and W isn't at all. I am not being affectionate as well and trying to follow sandi2 rules in regards to not initiatin contact, ILY's etc... So confusing now. Thought I had a great path but not anymore.
That's for MC to communicate with your wife and your "current wife" decides its a good thing to do. Right now she may feel "I cannot make myself FEEL like I want to do it". She may not know that for her to feel like doing "the act", she may have to do the act.
Somehow you have been friend zoned, and many of us became even less than friend zoned, because you wouldn't do your friend like that!
Just A Guy, you have to look at it how she is looking at it. What is the demand you have, to be treated in an intimate fashion? If you look at it like she looks at it, you may find that whatever group of people she associates with that if you can get them to see you in demand, that the current W may come back. Once you get this, you have to hold it.
You don't do it for her, you do it for you. Some materials worth reading "Double your Dating", "No more Mr Nice guy". It basically says that the relationship dymamics in attraction are nearly opposite of what you may expect.
So yes, get back onto GAL mindset. And like you said, you are an attractive and handsome "devil" who can have nearly any woman you want, if that is what you really want. You have to make that reality, not for your W, but for your own piece of mind.
if anyone could understand you attending Retrovaille, it'd be a couple getting married.
Get her there and listen to them. LISTEN carefully.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
wear different colognes, b/c it's about you being attractive, NOT attractive to HER, and maybe wear new different clothes and
please, stop making plans as if you are going to be together. That's futurizing and she's only feeling pressure when you do it.
ACT AS IF YOU GET IT, and stop arguing FOR the marriage. Act like you accept, albeit with resignation, that she wants to ruin her life. NOT YOURS, hers. You'll be happy again no matter what.
And stay warm and upbeat but when pressed, show her that you heard her...
yes, you know, she MIGHT NOT ever want to be with you again,
you know she may not ever FEEL attraction again and of course
you know she has NO control over that and blah blah blah... ( I don't buy that b/c love is at least partly a choice)
at least act as if another woman might find you attractive and that you KNOW it.
Like it's going to be HER loss. And accept that she is confused so you will get mixed signals. That's what confused people send.
And they do "touch and go's" to make sure you are still there, waiting, still, and whenn they fear you might be moving forward, they'll show some affection to make sure they can still reel you in. Sometimes it's more than that, but often it's just a touch and go. You'll know if she pulls back soon after she confirms you are still waiting. Then she backs off again.
Now and then, don't be so available. Be a bit mysterious, please.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I understand the concept of touch and go's. I know that pulling back draws the spouse closer and I know that showing that I am okay and ready to move on creates a sense of urgency and promotes the feelings of losing something great.
I find it's very dificult to do these things while sleeping in the same bed and doing so many great things together. I did however for the past few evenings let her take the lead on everything from initiating conversation to asking questions and it is slowly getting easier to let go of the control and focus on the present and what I am doing for ME.
I have a long road ahead of me filled with potholes and speed bumps but I am enjoying the little victories every chance I can.
Onward to work.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Wife brought me dinner tonight at work, it was nice. She is definitely pulling back right now so that's what I need to do as well to bring her back in.
I am almost hoping for a conflict to arise so I can confront it in a nice way without sweeping it under the rug like I used to. Man I hope it's not to late to have her feel those butterflies for me again.
After work gonna go hang out with a friend. I still don't have many friends who are just my friends. It's hard finding good friends these days lol
I think I am going to join a toastmaster club for fun.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
I know there are. I think part of me is just feeling the pains of GALing and separating myself from the M that was my identity. I truly feel like I am letting to of the fear that surrounds this sitch, the thought of not being with my W makes me more sad than afraid now which I view as progress.
I also have been focusing on a few rules at a time and making them habit then choosing another few and repeat. The goal is the better myself for my next R whether it be with my W or with some one else.
Of course I am still hoping it is with my W but I am no longer fearing the potential split. Sadness but hope.
"it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen. But it's even harder to let go of something that is everything you have wanted."
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
