Lol and after I look at that list of what needs to happen it all boils down to her wanting to work on M. No way around it she needs to drop the reservations about "you shouldn't have to make a M work" and realize that making an M work is the only way M's last.
I will continue to invest time and effort into me. I still need to find something which I am interested in to take the place of soccer. I cannot believe that my sitch is already 6 weeks since bomb, things are better but the same if that makes any sense. Limbo is a tough place to be. I don't want to convince myself that things are working out and that we are going to be fine, I find myself being posative about everything I can and I think it blinds me a little to the fact that she hasn't yet felt that sense of desire to stay together that I do.
Patience, patience, patience.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Crazy thin happened today, wasn't intentional at all. I called her aunts house (her H is one of my best friends and I his) and her aunt picked up. She is my W's confidant and mentor. They are inseparable.
She started asking how things were going at the new job and talking about her kids in school the whole normal small talk. Then out of nowhere the conversation switches to my sitch. At first I just sorta listened and started to switch the subject, and then she flat out told me that she "knows that if I take care of myself and give her some space while working on confronting and communicating issues with W without worrying about making her mad that we will be fine".
Now if it were her sister or mother or anyone else for that matter it would have been taken with a grain of salt. However I know that she W's go to for EVERY issue in her life so I know she knows all the details of what's going on and what W is thinking. So I take this info with more seriousness and also with the confirmation that the principals in DR work.
I know the thought of confronting issues head on during the sitch is not what everyone should do but in my sitch just going over what W said during MC and other conversations it is definitely something she wants to see out of me so I will work on that when the next issue arrives.
Thoughts?
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Sooooooo last night was bad, W and I had been talking about gettit a Vitamix blender for a detox we both want to do. We would put it on a card as the money from my new job is just starting to come in and then we would pay it off.
As we were discussing it she became very quiet. So is asked her what was wrong. She told me that she wants to make sure we don't set ourselves up for a Nasty divorce by getting a bunch of credit card debt and having to sort it out if we split. Now I'm not one to normally charge things anyways. And we don't have but 5k in total debt period so we are not in bad shape. But then the conversation took a turn.
She started talking about how she keeps going through senarios of how this sitch plays out and in every one she sees us splitting. But that she hasn't been able to picture the senario where we're in a passionate M. My heart dropped into my stomach but I told myself that she is just projecting that based on how our R has been for so long. She prolly barely remembers what it felt like to be passionate with me.
Instead of reacting I told her that I want to be happy and I want her to be truly happy. And whatever happens between us I just want to make sure that we are as open as possible to any outcome.
I am getting the feeling after yesterday that she has one foot out the door already.
Slightly stunned.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
I know that I am not to believe anything that she says right now... But another thing that sticks with me is that she said she almost wishes one of us had cheated to make this split easier. Hahahahahahaha. Easier!!! Wtf how in the heck would that have made the split easier!!!
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
I feel like I just got set back 6 weeks to the start of this mess. The only thing that happened is the W went to see the IC that talked to us about our "issue" 2 years ago but never really helped us. W has continued to see her every 2 months and yesterday was the first time since sitch began. And of course last night we go back to square one.
I know I am further along personally but I really was holdin out hope that we were further along M wise as well.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
I am slightly stunned because she is such a rational person who is acting more and more bi-polar. I stayed as neutral as I could during the whole conversation. I didn't get mad but I opened up when she asked me questions. Which is something I need to learn to do more of.
I tried my hardest to keep my comments pressure free. She kept asking me questions about whether I played out our senario and found that it was hard to see us in a good M. I told her that I have thought about the "what if" and it gets me no where so I choose to focus instead of the right now. That I am keeping an open mind to the whole sitch and that I think she should too.
I wanted soooooo badly to tell her that I truly think we are ment to grow old together. We have such an amazing foundation which has not been tarnished by PA, abuse and the likes. Rather we neglected our feelings early in the R and never fully addressed them. Yeah it's going to be hard to work through them now but the base we have should not be squandered.
"It is almost always harder to find and start a new marriage than to fix a current one"
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
One good thing is the panicky feelings are not there this time. I am feeling more at peace with what could happen. I know I have no control over it and panicing and the rest of the worrying just do nothing but set ME back. So instead I will meditate before work, keep myself occupied and have a great day!
I know my W is hurting right now and I only hope that she can figure herself out and find that spot in her heart that has me in it.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
Guy, I didn't see a link to your old thread but did read all your posts in this one. Have you read the Married Man Sex Life Primer? If not you should. It sounds like you're engaging in 100% beta behavior. Your wife wants you to be a mix of alpha and beta. Just based on what I'm reading here which obviously is just a snapshot of your sitch, it sounds like you're going down cheeseless tunnels. Your R is not advancing, it's in limbo. It sounds like your W is waiting for you to take action to bring the passion back, but at the same time you're waiting for her to initiate. The passion isn't going to just magically reappear, you both need to do something to bring it back. This is where MMSLP comes in, it'll give you methods to approach her in very alpha ways that may break you out of this rut. Time to try something different, try a different tunnel and look for the cheese. Remember what Michele said, our natural inclination is to set up a lawn chair next to the cheeseless tunnel waiting for the missing cheese to come back. Ask yourself if that's where you are.
I have another question, you mentioned she was training for a triathalon, so I assume she's in pretty good shape. What about you? Are you ripped or pudgy? If pudgy, time to do something about that. MMSLP will highlight why you cannot let your W be higher than you on the hotness scale. I hadn't engaged in bodybuilding for years, but jumped back into it after getting the bomb. 3 months later I'm looking like an underwear model and man, it's done wonders for my self-esteem. I started doing it with the hopes that it would attract my wife back to me, but it made me feel so much better about myself that now I'm sticking with it for me!
Review your 180's, you may need to modify them since your sitch isn't advancing. Take stock, try and determine what is and is not working and make adjustments. DB'ing is a fluid process requiring constant adjustments.
My heart dropped into my stomach but I told myself that she is just projecting that based on how our R has been for so long. She prolly barely remembers what it felt like to be passionate with me.