My story, my progress, my hope

[Tinman]

The part of db'ing I am back to is trying not to initite contact. The rest of my efforts I continued and still continue. I do know I have a long way to go and I can't stop working on myself. The part I did not do well was to jump right back into the relationship. She said she wanted to make it work. She even agreed to go to MC with me. I set up the appointment but by the time the appointment rolled around all these other things happen.
Today was good and bad. Miss her a lot but also realize she is doing what is right for her boys. I have to try and remember that. I need to remember I can't make her work on the relationship and I need to focus on what I can change/ improve (me). I am not giving up even though sometimes it feels like ti would be easier to do just that. She/ We areworth waiting for. I think that if I continue to work on myself and let someof this custody battle get resolved. Then see how thhings turn out.
I have been doing a lot of reading and also found a support group I am going to give a try tonight.
The hardest part of this is the feeling of hopelessness and that is something I need to work on. My happiness should not depend on her. Easier said than done.

I also think I need to work on some ways to connect with her boys. Any suggestions?

[labug]

Maybe you should focus on all the court stuff and let your W be on the back burner for awhile. You have important stuff you need to take care of.

[Tinman]

Very true! Another 2 1/2 months before final court date and could take another 2 months before they issue the final orders. That is going to be tourture!

[Tinman]

Well it has been a very difficult few days.
My W was called by the custody evaluator and asked to come in to discuss my crazy x and the issues surrounding the custody of my 2 D. She told me she was going in on Thursday but did not want me to go with her. She was pretty stressed about it but said she was glad that they finally called her as she had a lot to share.

On Wednesday night I received a call from my oldest daughter. She was crying hysterically and telling me about an incident with her mother. She said that her mother had grabbed her by the hair and was practically lifting her off the ground and then jerked her head back and somehow hit her nose on her knee. She wanted to come home but there is not much I can do. She did not want me to call the police and I asked her if she would talk to the school social worker. I told her I would call and see and then call her back.

I really did not know what to do so I called CPS and informed them of what was going on. CPS has been involved before and has substantiated abuse against their mother in the past. After that call I called my D back and told her that I the school counselor had already gone home (it was 7:30 pm so I already knew she would not be available) So when I called my daughter was crying again and said that the police had just been at the house and spoke to them. I was confused as I did not think CPS would call the police. My daughter was telling me that the police told her that there mother has the right to hurt them but that they do not have the right to hurt their mother. I was shocked and then realized what had happened. Their mother had called the police and told them that my D had attacked her. So now my D is hiding in her room scared because the police officer told her that if he had to come back her would have to take her and put her in jail with other mean people. I was horrified.

I called CPS back and updated them on the situation.

I also sent an email to my attorney and the custody evaluator to inform them of what happened.

As my W was going in to discuss issues with the custody evaluator the following day I felt I needed to let her know what was going on. I called but she did not answer. So I sent her an email and later she called. It was a decent conversation and all about my girls. I expressed how grateful I was that she was going in on behalf of us and she said she was glad to do it.

So yesterday she went in and spoke to the custody evaluator and called me after and told me all about it. Again a decent conversation and all about the custody case.

Then last night my girls were home and ran down to say hello. When they came back I text her and said thanks for chatting with the girls and that they were really happy to see her. She text back and said she was done. She could not continue to be in our lives because it was just too stressful for her and she knew that no matter what happens with the custody case the girl’s mother would always be in the picture and she would always be left to pick up the pieces and she simply could not do it anymore. I was sick and could not believe what she was saying.

So that is where it stands. She wants both me and my girls to disappear from her life. My D could see how upset I was last night and said to me “Is ______ leaving us? She is the mom I have always wanted and now she is leaving us?” Broke my heart.

I text her that I could not tell my daughters that and that I will let her go but I will still hope she realizes what a mistake she has made.

So I left the door open and will simply stop any and all communication. Going forward I have to get through the custody case in November, be the father my girls need and keep working on me.

I just don’t get how a month ago she was able to tell me how much she loves me and wants to work things out and then cast us aside like nothing. Not really sure how to get past this and even if some miracle does happen how I can trust that as the first sign of rough waters she is not going to do it to us again.

[scaredsilly]

tinman, i'm so sorry you have to go through all this in your life. you are in a h3ll of a spot. right now, i think the focus should be on your daughters.

you asked how your W could "cast us aside like nothing". i can tell you my experience and maybe you will have more insight.

first, you have been married a short time. your wife may be thinking that if this is what life with you is like, she needs to cut her losses now and get out. too much drama. as much as she loves you, the life you are offering her is too stressful.

i've been married for 15 years and the "crap" that comes with my H's adult children (especially, his daughter) and his family make me question if we could ever make a M work. i've just gotten to the point where it's not worth it. and that's after a long history together and still loving him.

your W sounds like she still loves you but she loves herself, too. it's too much sacrifice for her to be with you now.

my suggestion is to get through all your custody issues before you try to have a R with ANY woman. at this point in your life, with what you have going on, it's just not fair to ask another person, especially one with her own kids and ex, to take on all of this and try to be happy with you.

what you're seeing is why subsequent marriages with children fail so much more than first marriages. it's very, very hard.

i wish you the best.

((((()))))

[Tinman]

Thanks Scared. It does help to here from someone that has been in her situation.
W emailed me a short email yesterday and said that I was mistake. She wants to keep girls in her life and will always be there for them. That was a bit of relief.

Then just now I was checking my face book and noticed that the number of mutual friends has been significantly reduced. She defriended my family. All except me and my two girls. So I went to her facebook (I know but...) and she has removed any photos of me or my girls from her albums. I have not looked at facebook in a few days simply because of this.

[labug]

I'm sure she does love you and the girls but she has to be a mother to her children and what you have going on is monumental. I think she's right to focus on what she needs to do, as painful as that is for you and your girls.

And it is probably breaking her heart but if she can't do it, she can't.

Focus on what you have to do. With the support your girls need it would be very difficult to maintain any R right now. Be there for them, they are in dire need of you.

Take care of yourself.

[Tinman]

Thanks labug. I know what you say is true. It's just so hard to feel like this and to know that I have to let her go. I feel like she was my one chance at a life filled with happiness and someone I could share the rest of my life with.
It was so wonderful to hear her tell me that she loved me. To think I will never hear her say those words again is very hard. I know I will get through it but not sure I can ever have that kind of love both given to me and me to her.
Not to mention the loss of her boys. They did not connect with me the way my girls connected with her and that I am truly sad about.

Time will tell and I still have hope but I know until after this custody battle is over she will never return.

[Crazyville]

I feel like she was my one chance at a life filled with happiness and someone I could share the rest of my life with.

The only way a reconciliation can work is if the LBS understands where the WAS is coming from, because until then, they can't begin to correct the situation. As much as you look at her as your chance at a life filled with happiness, she is looking at you as a guarantee of a life filled with misery. I can tell you from personal experience (I have 4 steps) that being a second W is very hard. However, the exW alone is not enough to tear apart a strong second M. What I'm reading in your posts is that YOU weren't there for her. You didn't protect your honeymoon. You didn't connect with her boys. You still seem to be very focused on you and spending little effort truly understanding how difficult it has been for her. You are hoping that she sees what she's doing as a mistake, yet if I were a friend of hers, I would be advising her to run as far and fast as she could. Just reading your situation makes my heart race.

I don't really look at her as being codependent either. I don't think she stuck by it long enough, and she removed herself by her own decision when she had had enough. I think when you love someone, you want to do things for them, and if you believe that they love you, that they'll do things for you too. It's simple give and take. When she ran out of patience waiting for you to fulfill your end of things, she stopped and left. I consider that healthy, not codependent.

[Tinman]

Can you give me some ideas on what might help the situation and give her what she might need? Thanks