GOALSETTING and followup with Zig

[afa75]

Okay Zig. The current homework has been completed. It has been helpful thus far and will definitely look forward to feedback.

1. GAL --a)I will communicate (text, call, etc.) with friends / family at least 3 times a week, regarding life in general, not specifically my sich.
b) I will continue to research and sign up for a cooking class at least one per month (I had some luck yesterday finding some, but all the spots were taken for this weekend). I will feel proud of myself for doing something for myself outside of my comfort zone.
c) I will continue to exercise 5 / 6 times per week, alternating days between lifting weights and a DVD workout. Throwing in bike riding / jogging here and there. I will feel more physically fit and attractive. More confident.
c2) Have to add this one to c) I will reduce the amount of cigarettes I smoke daily. Initially about 30 per day. Down to 20. I hope to reduce by at least 5 per week. I will physcially be able to breath better, smell better, and have more time doing more important things (eg with kids instead away from them with a smoke).

2. I will stop negative thoughts regarding my marital situation and worrying about her. ACTION: I will say the Serenity Prayer, and focus on myself. I will try to the STOP sign, and focus energy on how I can improve myself. I will remind myself that the woman I'm living with is not the woman I married, that her choices and actions are some sort of monster, not her. I will try to add some guided imagery to help (eg happy thoughts). I will then feel much more at ease and peaceful. More calm about what life will bring.
3. I will visualize myself as being a confident, positive, carefree person that enjoys life and deserves to be respected by others, that others want to be around, yet okay if alone. I will permit myself to make mistakes, try new things, remind self that nothing can be perfect. 1 and 2 tie into this. I will feel happier and more alive, less insecure about being me.

[zig]

afa - sorry it took so long to get back to you

I think you did a great job with rewriting your goals!

You've had them for a couple of days now - your list. What do you think?

Are they doable - in the form that you have put them? How have the first days gone with achieving them? Are you feeling successful, or are they still difficult to follow?

I will ask at this point: all your goals are pretty long-term ones - that cover a long period. If there were any recomendations i would make it would probably be that you could reframe them so that they state clearly what you will achieve in the next week or two weeks. in that way, you will very clearly feel the sense of achievement.

otoh - if you are feeling successful already with the way they are now, then keep at it in that way

great job, afa - look forward to hearing how it is going for you in terms of achieving your goals

zig

[afa75]

Thanks Zig.
I'm doing well with #1. Working on #3.
#2 is probably the hardest right now, especially because of recent actions by the W (i updated my sich). My biggest dilemma I think ties into self reliance. The thin line between proper DBing vs being a doormat. How much / what kind of stuff to tolerate.

[zig]

afa - good to hear you are doing well - for the most part.

as for DB'ing vs. being a doormat

well if you take the doormat out of the equation what will you have then?

I can only say what I know from where I'm at , now, but every time - every single time I have struggled - it's been about my ego standing in the way.

Look at it this way: what if your wife never ever ever changes? Will you go on reacting as you are doing now, or will you eventually throw your hands in the air and say oh forget it this is not worth my energy or time?

What we don't see in the first months is that we are doing all this DB'ing because we are expecting a positive outcome from it - that's why it's worth all the enormous effort. then we start getting told to let go of the outcome and suddenly we are groundless again.

There will always be actions from others - what are WE going to do about it?

If you sit and think about this, there are very few answers that will feel right for yourself and for your peace of mind - and I think you will know how to go about reaching your 2nd goal

come post here if you want to talk about it more

take care of yourself first and you won't feel like a doormat

zig

[Mrs D]

Hi Zig,
I need help with my goals, if you would. Please see below and let me know your thoughts? Thank you!!

1) respond instead of react
2) thought-stopping - focus on only the present
3) Concentrate on me - I need to become more confident, funny, relaxed, non-judgemental, warm.
4) spend better time with my Son.

[zig]

Hi Mrs D - so nice that you came over

Kudos to you for taking the step - it's really a hard one for us at first

I'm going to rephrase the 4 things you wrote as questions, and I want you to really think and imagine what your answer will be and write that down.

That answer will help us to do a couple of things here - get really specific and provide you with the ACTION you need to perform to achieve the goal

Also Please read the first page of this thread if you haven't yet so that you understand more how to formulate and state the goals


1. What will I be DOING when I respond instead of react. How will I be feeling when I Do that?

2. What will I be DOING when I thought stop - How will I stop the thought, and how will I feel if I stop the thought

3. What action/actions will I be doing when I concentrate on me? How will I feel when I do that (that's when you'll feel confident, relaxed etc. so think carefully here of the actions you will do to get those feeling results)

4.what will I be doing when i spend better times with my son? how will doing that make me feel?

when our goals are just vague and general and 'in the vicinity of where we think we want to go - then it's like throwing a ball in the general direction of the basket. when we get really specific - it's like aiming for the shot!

also, think about a timeline - break it down to such small goals, that you can see yourself achieving them in the next 2 weeks?

Have fun with this - that's when it will be the most successful

zig

[afa75]

Thanks Zig.
I copy / pasted my goals so I can have them on the go for reminders to do ACTION.

Can you speak a little more about the ego statement, elaborate more that is.

Also, if W "never ever ever changed" I would ultimately have to stop, as I would not want to live the rest of my life like this.

I presume "WE" need to loving detach from those who "WE" are emotionally enmeshed with so that I can choose to RESPOND, not react.

I'm pretty good identifying and verbalizing problems / solutions, yet have difficulty with the follow through on the ACTION aspect. Perhaps the low self worth? I've been telling myself of positives throughout this day to boost my confidence some.

[Desperate man]

Zig, Thank you in advance for your time and efforts. I spent the morning reading all 9 pages of this post. For myself being a Guy who is nuts and bolts oriented and who jumps into everything quickly to fix the problem, its hard for myself to figure out my list. So please do not hold anything back on your advise to fix my list. My W is still in the house but emotionally seperated WAW situation.

1- GAL
Exercise 5,6 days a week. I will feel and look better doing physical activity.
Do things with Male friends. I will gain friendships and improve my PMA.
2- Detachement
Work on doing things for myself and not worring what W is doing.
Quit snooping
I will control thoughts and not allow the emotions to over take me.
3- Improve communication
Ask W how her day was when I get home everyday. If she wants to talk then show her that I am interested and try to be upbeat. Share with her how my days has gone. I will show her my interest and concerns about her as allow her to do the same.
4- Try to spend time with W.
Try to arrange fun activities for the family to do together. This will show her that staying with family is the right choice.
Arrange dates with other couples to have fun. Not by applying pressure of dating with W.

Are these to large or Vague? Someone quoted running a marathon not a sprint. I think these are to long term. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[Mrs D]

Thank you Zig!! I will add alittle more to this soon. Really busy putting in OT today with work. I do appreciate you so much.

[Mrs D]

Ok Zig - thanks for your patience with me. Here goes:

1. What will I be DOING when I respond instead of react. How will I be feeling when I Do that?

Listening and watching. I will be listening or watching to what is being said or done, then make a concious effort to respond instead of reacting because there is really no thinking involved. The feeling I SHOULD be able to receive is that the conversation or action would be going better - so I should feel good.

2. What will I be DOING when I thought stop - How will I stop the thought, and how will I feel if I stop the thought?

This one is alittle hard for me because I think about X and GF all the time. To be honest, I have tried different methods, and I cant stop. Could you help with this one maybe?

3. What action/actions will I be doing when I concentrate on me? How will I feel when I do that (that's when you'll feel confident, relaxed etc. so think carefully here of the actions you will do to get those feeling results).

I will continue to walk/run with my GF atleast twice a week. We are also going to start crossfit training together oworking up to 5 days a week. I will continue to read self help books to help me relax, and make myself a better person.

4.what will I be doing when i spend better times with my son? how will doing that make me feel? I will not be on the conputer working, or on DB while he is awake. Once he goes to bed, I will continue to work, or be here on DB. That will make both of us feel that Im 100% into what he is doing.