Now Separated, Am I doing the right things?

[roughenough]

The learning and help from the first two threads has been unbelievable, thank you very much! It’s time to start my 3rd thread.

1st thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2252456#Post2252456

2nd thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2270215#Post2270215

I hear you Acc, a marriage isn’t Sh!it without the emotional connection and I agree that the kids come first. I was in a poor marriage for years but I always told myself that I would never be the first to ask for a separation. To this day, I am very glad I wasn’t the one to make that decision.

You see, I can’t ask my W to go to the park with the kids and me. I also can’t ask W to go out for a bite to eat with kids and I. Now that would “feel natural” but that’s just not the way things are right now. I see my W a couple times a week and she almost seems like a stranger. The women that gave birth to our children, the women I’ve been with for the last 15 years. Since the separation the only thing that is discussed is the kids or finances. Part of me really feels I should be more proactive with the “conversation starters”. W’s definitely not very good at them, even though I know she’s open to talking.

Yes, I am very hard on myself, probably because I care, I want to improve, I want my W back. I should probably ask W more questions. Yeah, what are you up to???? Are you kidding me!!! I don’t want to hear about her drunken outings. To be honest, I don’t really want to know what “fun” stuff she’s up to. When she brought the kids over tonight I told her how nice it was to see my SIL and BIL at our daughter’s birthday party. I tell me SIL that I love her but not my W, is that F’ed up or what! My W also talks or see’s my mom at least once a week, just messed up stuff.

My heart is too heavy, it hasn’t let go of this women. To see the pain in son 8 is just heartbreaking. The pain is so deep, almost unbearable; I feel sooooo bad for him. A child shouldn’t have to go through this but its reality right now.
I pray daily, I pray for myself, others, my W and my kids. I was talking to a pastor at the party last night and he told me what a good heart I have. That’s the truth; I know I have a very good heart. I am closer to the Lord then I’ve ever been. I know He wants W and I to be together but I also know He gives her free will.

[Arsene]

Hey Rough, I know we have different beliefs you and I but I can tell you one thing that I think is true for both of us, God would not give you a challenge you can't face and handle. You sound to me like a very good man with a good heart and you are on the right track mate. Keep it up.

[Denver_2010]

Hang in there Rough. I know that this is hard and that you are in pain right now. Keep fighting man. You have a chance... but only if you stick around to see the end.

[Carnac]

Rough: Hang in there, im right there with you. I knew alot of our situations were the same, but ours is earily similar, at least right now. My wife and I have been seperated for over 3 months now and we haven't had one 'real' conversation. We talk about our son, thats really all. We do occasionally chat about how work is going or something along those lines but only when we happen to find ourselves in a situation where we have too. In general she avoids any interaction with me.

I know she thinks she's co-dependent and somehow relying on someone else in any way is bad to her. I dont think co-dependency in and of itself is a bad thing personally, but she's got her head so screwed around the fact that if she's not completely indepedent then its bad so Im not sure if we'll ever get a chance. I also know she's been reading a book on codependency and detaching so me being dark may absolutely be a terrible idea, but I don't have any others so its what im doing.

Its a terrible position we find ourselves in, but im with Denver, you've got to stand for what you believe. In 3 months mine has shown me almost no signs that there is any chance that anything between us will change, but thats ok, im going to love her all the way through it and if we divorce i'll know that I did all I could. I'm sure thats as little comfort to you now as it is to me, but its the situation that has been forced upon us so we MUST make the best of it.

[roughenough]

Thanks guys, I really appreciate your support. Last night was just a tough night for me. As Acc said a couple months ago, I am in a game and it’s called “distancer chicken.” Carnac, it sounds like you’re in the same boat. W and I also haven’t had a “real” conversation.


_________________________________
Freshman class of 2012
Me(M):38
W:43
Together: 15 Married: 11
D:5
S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[Arsene]

Stick with it guys. Ups and downs remember? When you're down in the slumps, there is only one way to go. Up!

[AnotherStander]

I see my W a couple times a week and she almost seems like a stranger. The women that gave birth to our children, the women I’ve been with for the last 15 years.

I know what you mean, same with my W. But the whole concept of DB is we're not going back to the old marriage with the old W and old us, we're working on fostering a new R with a changed W and changed us. Love is a choice and your W can choose to love you again. Keep that hope alive in your heart.

Since the separation the only thing that is discussed is the kids or finances. Part of me really feels I should be more proactive with the “conversation starters”. W’s definitely not very good at them, even though I know she’s open to talking.

Did you communicate effectively with your wife before your sitch or is this "more of the same" behavior for you? I know in my case I discouraged my W from talking about work, etc. I now encourage her by asking her detailed questions. This is a 180 for me. I get her to discuss her feelings, then I empathize with those feelings. I got to know the names of key people she associates with at work and outside of work and ask her specifically about them. I follow up on stories she's told me in days before. Listen intently, give her your undivided attention. If you don't want to hear about her drunken outings then change the subject if she brings them up, but remember that the key is you need to be her best friend for now and you should communicate with her like a best friend would.

[roughenough]

Thanks for your post Arsene. From your upbeat comment, you got me thinking. Suppo, our designated freshman class cheerleader, are you out there? Haven’t heard from him in a while. Yeah, go dark on W but don’t go dark on us!

W called me last night and left me a message saying she wants to make sure I am taking the kids tonight because “she’s meeting a friend at a bar/restaurant tonight”. Yes, that’s the vague language she used. Maybe she’s mirroring me since I am usually vague or maybe she’s trying to get under my skin, who knows. The only response I gave her was “Yeah, it’s my turn to have the kids, sounds good.” Either way, I won’t play into it and I won’t dig for information, I know better.

Freshman class of 2012
Me(M):38
W:43
Together: 15 Married: 11
D:5
S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[suppo]

Thanks for your post Arsene. From your upbeat comment, you got me thinking. Suppo, our designated freshman class cheerleader, are you out there? Haven’t heard from him in a while. Yeah, go dark on W but don’t go dark on us!

LoL...

That brought a smile to me that I definitely needed! I haven't intentionally gone dark on you guys, I promise!

I have just been trying to process a lot since "You know what" happened, and my focus has truly been on keeping my PMA just long enough for the kids, so that they don't see me fall apart.

[Denver_2010]

Thanks for your post Arsene. From your upbeat comment, you got me thinking. Suppo, our designated freshman class cheerleader, are you out there? Haven’t heard from him in a while. Yeah, go dark on W but don’t go dark on us!

W called me last night and left me a message saying she wants to make sure I am taking the kids tonight because “she’s meeting a friend at a bar/restaurant tonight”. Yes, that’s the vague language she used. Maybe she’s mirroring me since I am usually vague or maybe she’s trying to get under my skin, who knows. The only response I gave her was “Yeah, it’s my turn to have the kids, sounds good.” Either way, I won’t play into it and I won’t dig for information, I know better.

Freshman class of 2012
Me(M):38
W:43
Together: 15 Married: 11
D:5
S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

^^ perfect