Letting people live their lives and GALing...

[AJM]

Antonia, I'm sorry to hear that. I'm also surprised by how eloquently you put things I've felt as well. Birds of a feather?

But I often think if I look back, how things went. The cycle of things that is. I think that at one point after the surprise, I was cycling rapidly. Overthinking. Not eating. The usual.

I think over time the waves got further and further apart but they are not "done" per se. We still have things to deal with.

My philosophy is that we can't run far enough from problems. Why try? Facing the issues. That's easier said than done though. Why? I don't know, but it is in my experience.

Initially, it's get through. Then argue. Then anger. Then deal. Then accept. Then... it goes on. But after a while, we have to change our approach. We no longer need to just get through. That transition is difficult. We are returning to a life we never really knew. In many ways, we're making up new patterns and it takes a lot of effort and consequently a large toll emotionally and physically.

For starters, I think you need to accept that it takes a long time for the healing. Your family may not want to hear it any longer. They have no frame of reference though, so keep that in mind. It's one of the things that drew me to these boards - people that would understand. I needed that more than anything. I sometimes still do, but I only tend to find it here. I find people that can relate to the struggles. People that can listen without judgement. Listen and understand. People outside this experience don't usually or are so far beyond it they don't want ot revisit. They found a way to cope (other person in many cases).

The feelings of anger, sadness, etc.. are they related to ex or more about the current situation and loneliness?

I get that way sometimes. But it's not about ex as much as it is about the loss of the plans and dreams. Still working through that at times. Usually what brings it up are situations with the kids where I feel she is being unreasonable or mean towards them. Wrong or right, it brings up the fact that I need to accept what is and find a way to deal. But it brings up the emotions. I almost feel like my emotions are confused in the sense that it has nothing to do with her directly, but rather my reaction and the injustice I feel.

I don't want anything to do with her, but that's more to do with the fact that dealing with her is unpleasant and unneccessary. I am happier without that and the new her. I know that. So I get tired of having to deal with some of the left over junk associated.

I catch myself blaming her for things sometimes and vigorously challenge those thoughts. I usually find I'm just leaning to dumping unpleasant emotions on her. That's not right either and doens't bring satisfaction, ya know?

What works better for me is to challenge things and figure out my own emotions. I find I am not as astute at separating my emotions as I'd like. I work harder to separate them because of that. To feel the emotions for what they are and why they are vs. blaming or dumping or whatever you want to call it. I mourn the loss of what I wanted, vs. what I really want now.

It takes it's toll on me. I get very tired of it all. When I boil it all down, I find that I find peace in the murky depths of my emotions

I think meds won't help either if that helps unless there is a physical reason you would need them. I think viewing things pragmatically and honestly are better. Acceptance is the key in my experience.

I don't think you're crazy or wrong or anything else negative. I think you're human and I think it's been a rough couple of weeks with no great way to vent the steam. Couple that with family pressure, and it can be a earth shattering if you're not careful. A lot to deal with at the least.

Perhaps it is time to start a new habit? You've finished the book (nice distraction), ended a relationship (hard to let go of the first one - really), and been physically sick. I would expect that it causes some rethink and some tiredness as you search for more.

A good time to be still and focus A good time for new habits and social norms. A good time for new hobbies and exploration of you.

A new stage. A new chance to use the tools you have and to create a few more.

Life. It's got it's ups and downs, but we learn to surf...

AJ

[beatrice]

Hi, I think you are normal. Total betrayal, the abrupt ending of a long relationship [never mind whether 'healthy' or 'unhealthy] these things time a long time to recover from.

I am in touch with another LBS and we are both post 6 years after long [30year plus] marriages, and we still feel waves of emotion at times that we thought we were,or should be beyond.

It hard to be alone in a world of couples, it is hard to be a woman alone, it is tough to face all the issues we have to face alone.

Sadness, sorrow and depression are all normal emotions that we have to deal with - [clinical depression is something else], I am talking about the sorrowful sort.

The one thing I would suggest is taking up an enjoyable physical activity, like dancing, or trampolining that tones you and tires you. Those of us that have jobs where we live in our heads need to get out of them.

There is nothing wrong with you, but your sister who is probably emotionally immature, doesn't like the fact that you are unhappy. That is her problem. She is trying to make it yours

I believe strongly that life is an organic process, and we cannot force the healing process. All we can do is facilitate it, by kindness to ourselves, and focussing on what gives us pleasure, and we are good at.

Give yourself time and you will continue to become stronger. Ending a relationship that was going nowhere took a lot of courage and strength, and you are probably feeling worse about that than you care to admit . . . .

[WenikiTiki]

Dear Antonia,
Sorry to hear you are having a rough time. Nothing is ever as easy as it looks.

I find myself in that mire and it is so hard to get clear. Like walking into mud and then you just can't get it off your shoes.

I was thinking of you the other day. I am waiting untill I move to get a new cat. I was missing my blak and white cat who disappeared over a year ago.

Hang tough and know all your DB friends are on your side!

Aloha,

Wendy

[AntoniaB]

Thanks so much to AJ, Beatrice, and WT. I just have a few minutes before class but I wanted to respond to one thing AJ asked about.

I'm not really mourning the loss of hopes and dreams with XH. Truly. The 6 month rel. I had with someone new who was in a lot of ways much more suited to the person I am now and the person who was sort of struggling to "get out" in the second half of my marriage sort of helped me break that connection to XH. I really think that I tried very hard to change and grow into this person and my XH really shut that woman down, and I literally feel so much more free without him and have this whole attitude about my life being open and having tons of directions to go in where with him there was one regimented path we were going to follow.

So I really don't mourn the loss of him anymore. I mourn the "idea" of a companion being there for me and me for him, though. I am upset about current conditions, not the past. In fact there are many times I have even prayed for/wished him and the OW/his now 2 year GF well. I think they deserve each other, ha ha, and I think he's got what he wants, and I don't want a guy like him at all anymore. I have happy memories of him but even his betrayal doesn't have the sting it once did as it was the catalyst for a ton of growth in me.

So it's the current aloneness that I have difficulty with.

I do suspect the end of the rel. with the new guy is hurting more than I care to admit, as Beatrice suggested.

[ericmsant2]

Antonia,

I am sorry that things did not work out between you and the guy you were seeing.

But I also think they just plain don't get it.

I’m not sure this statement will help……..

What I have learned/accepted is that I no longer need people to “get it”. I have accepted that many will not. On one hand it would be nice if they did, I just accept that they may never and no longer look to try and explain my feeling or positions to people that more than likely will not “get it”. The feelings I feel are mine. The dreams and desires I have are mine. This may sound a bit insensitive – I think it is not. For me it has been much more freeing. Free from everyone opinions and true acceptance that this is really MY LIFE.

I've GALed like crazy, made new friends, better relationships, written a book, taken care of my home and cats as best as I could, faced having to euthanize two cats all by myself, gone through the first relationship since my marriage that has come to an end, what more do you people want from me? I just can't be perfect. Medicating me doesnt' make the problems go away by magic.

1) Re read all that YOU have done.
2) IMO, people will always want MORE…they tend to want things done there way. This is really your life Antonia – everyone will not always agree with how you choose to live and deal with things. Maybe coming to peace with that will help.
3) You are not expected to be perfect – that wonderful trait belongs to God. So just be YOU. F what everyone else says.

I do suspect the end of the rel. with the new guy is hurting more than I care to admit

Yep….I would agree.

Antonia, this lonliness that you feel, the frustration, I think it is all part of the process – or post process if you will that we go through. Everyone heals at there own pace, everyones story is just a little different. My suggestion (FWIW) would be….

1) Give yourself sometime to get over your last R. while doing that….
2) Be really honest with yourself about what YOU feel comfortable changing that may change your life a little bit….for example…is it time to move, time to change your job – these things are all BIG issues to face and deal with…so take your time.
3) Figure out what it is that YOU really want going forward. You can always change your mind and probably will as you grow. Personally I think we all do.

Finally, message me…I have a group that YOU just may be interested in.

Smile – you really are an amazing person – don’t doubt it!

[AntoniaB]

Thanks for the input, Eric, and I have been sitting here reading some of the essays on that sight...interesting stuff, that in a way my psychiatrist has been trying to help me tap into.

If I look at this relationship that has just ended, the part that was most challenging for me for a long time was recognizing that it wasn't the "right" relationship for me even though I wanted it to be so much, because being in a relationship made me feel "normal" again. Basically we were very close friends, and we also had "benefits", by mutual agreement, so it was "more" than FWB because we genuinely care about one another and really did spend a lot of time together. But it was never consistent--and it was entirely controlled by him. If he just decided that he wanted to see me a lot, well, there I was, ready and willing. If he decided that for a week or more he'd be completely detached, no contact at all, well, that's what would happen, unless I pushed for contact. It was extreme hot and cold. For awhile I just told myself look, you have to be less needy, and you don't want this going "codependent" on you, and so you need to spend time with your friends or alone and just be ok with letting him live his life apart from you, ultimately it's good that you have time apart. But over time I started to feel like this was less about us having different interests or lives and more about HIS pattern of pulling me close and then pushing me away deliberately. I felt he was controlling without realizing he was. It's the way he maintains distance so he doesn't get involved with anyone too deeply because he feels his level of emotional connection never matches anyone else's.

I started to realize that my friends aren't like this--my friends don't cling to me then drop me emotionally. We might not see each other much but the bond remains constant. It wasn't with him.

And I started to realize that the reason I was staying put in this situation was that the physical intimacy was so validating to making me feel "safe" or "protected" that it was addictive. Just being in his presence made me feel happy and normal, like I didn't have a care in the world.

I had to psych myself up to say look, I either "count" in your life or I don't, I can't have this in-betweenness constantly. I knew that he wouldn't step up and change--I knew that he'd say he just couldn't give what I was asking for, not just to me but to anyone. I knew what would happen if I stood up for my emotional needs over the physical.

When my XH began his MLC I took an extreme amount of emotional abuse from him for a very long time. I never told anyone about it and I kept ok'ing it. Why? Because any time he'd mistreat me, the next day he'd shower me with love and cuddling and intimacy. I was so addicted to that type of intimacy I sacrificed the emotional connection to keep him in my orbit.

I saw myself doing the very same with this new guy--and 2 or 3 times I said "we need to just be friends alone" and then inevitably I would tell him, no it's ok, we can go back to how we were. He would have continued that pattern indefinitely I'm sure. So two weeks ago, I finally stood up and stuck to things and I am not going back to how things were. I don't think he will either. He has said that he feels he wasn't the true friend I needed or wanted and he seems sincerely sorry that things could not work out that we could not be on the same page. He wants us to try to take time apart and then begin again as friends alone, seeing each other less, still somewhat connected. I am willing to try this but it's all very weird as he lives literally one mile from my door. So I have to detach from someone who is "right there." (of course some are stuck with STBXH's right in the same house, so I know I don't have it THAT difficult).

But I saw myself repeating my pattern with having this addictive behavior with a man, and I had to put a stop to it myself. Having the strength to go against the inner person in me who wants a man in her life desperately has been terribly difficult. I know logically that she is the codependent and she can't be "fed" anymore. I also know that my feeling that a relationship is ultimately the thing that will make me happy is something I have to get rid of, and that I have to be more comfortable being alone.

I guess a good analogy is that I feel like I just quit smoking cold turkey, and I was addicted to smoking for 25 years, and the desire for that cigarette is really bad and I'm fighting it, but I miss it. I miss the way that cigarette made me "feel" and it would be so easy and comforting to go back to it, but I know I have to resist the pull or else I'll keep repeating the patterns of the past.

[ericmsant2]

But it was never consistent--and it was entirely controlled by him.

Have you ever really wrote down (and I know that you are a writer ) what YOU want in a partner? And I mean some specifics…for example if you like when someone calls you AT LEAST daily then that should be something that is on your list. If you want the type of partner that tells you when they leave work, etc. Get specific, I think (only my opinion) that this type of exercise helps.

For awhile I just told myself look, you have to be less needy, and you don't want this going "codependent" on you, and so you need to spend time with your friends or alone and just be ok with letting him live his life apart from you, ultimately it's good that you have time apart.

It’s funny someone once said to me that the “boards” are really good at teaching one to detach…what they are not good at is teaching someone to “re-attach”. From my own experience….it is all a learning experience. All of it.

So two weeks ago, I finally stood up and stuck to things and I am not going back to how things were.

My o my have we grown! I am soooo proud of YOU Antonia!

(of course some are stuck with STBXH's right in the same house, so I know I don't have it THAT difficult).

Ummmm…..yep!

[AntoniaB]

I haven't written it down but it's in my head pretty firmly!

Yeah the thing is that from the getgo I told this guy what I thought he wanted to hear about the level of contact--because I was unbelievably attracted to him emotionally, creatively, physically, that I insisted I had the same level of detachment as him even when he was skeptical. I also thought that it would be good for me to be in a rel. with someone who didn't think the sun rose and set with me, because it would force me not to be overly attached/connected, and I truly wanted to keep growing more independent and less needy. (My rel. with XH we were in contact multiple times a day during work and I didn't think in retrospect I wanted this anymore).

The thing is that this guy has become detached to "a whole 'nother level" (he was formerly in relationships with very clingy women and a very clingy ex-wife). So while I got to a certain degree of detached-ness, his comfort zone was too much for me.

So I actually did know what I wanted in someone from the beginning but talked myself out of it because he wasn't it entirely and I wanted to mold myself to HIM to make it work as it seemed better than being alone.

Lesson learned: it was like our physical relationship required no effort, and our spiritual connection didn't require effort, but the emotional relationship did, and it would hit walls, big walls, and I'm thinking that unless the physical and emotional and spiritual are all fairly effortless, it's not meant to be with that person...

[BeingMe]

Hi Antonia! Sorry to read of your continuing issues. It's so hard to be alone, but on the other hand, better than being with someone whose not completely interested in you, as you are with him. [Deep breath, after long sentence.] I've also just gone through letting go ... my H, in my case, after 7 years living under the same roof, but in separate bedrooms. He wasn't here all the time, so I got used to being alone.

I realized, at last, that I wanted our M to work, I wanted to be with H, or someone I could have a good R with ... BUT I don't need it. I have to be myself, and be accepted as such, with the good and the bad. NEED makes a slave of you, WANT sets you free (you can take it or leave it). "I am free ... free at last" (thank you Martin Luther King).

It takes a lot of hard work to mold yourself into someone else's idea of perfection. In time, the mold will break 'cause it'll uncomfortable. Just be who you are, and I bet things will work out just fine.

Just my 2c worth.

[BeingMe]

"... it'll be uncomfortable ..." Wish the edit button would come back (hint hint).