GOALSETTING and followup with Zig

[afa75]

Guessing I'll start off simple and small.
1. GAL. Redevelop and find new interests.
Action: Looking at available cooking classes in my area. Connect with friends several times per week, and not focus on me life / situation. This will ideally also help with PMA.
2. DETACH.
Action: I will be able to be friends with her, listen and validate her feelings as best as I can without backsliding and becoming a caretaker.
3. Become a person that my W will want to be with (borrowed from Calystra).
Action: Stop snooping / controlling behaviors. Become a person who can once again live, laugh, and then love.

[zig]

nero and afa - so so sorry i haven't been around to respond - was on a trip. but i am back and will respond to your posts by the end of the day, i promise.

am glad to see you both wanting to get started - and i hope that my late response hasn't discouraged you

later

zig

[afa75]

Not discouraged, and still here.

[zig]

Hi afa

So glad that you were able to write down something concrete here - you have made a great start - and propelled yourself over the hardest hurdle - which as we all know, is actually getting started the rest will be downhill from here i promise!!

so afa, my job here is to help you take the step form general to specific.

when goals are too general, they are really hard to pursue, which maybe the problem you are having here, as you mentioned in the previous post.

I'm going to give you some homework , because i love giving homework!!

1. read through this whole thread from the beginning,
2. really read and understand the example of how to write the goals that's in the posts on the first page.
3. our first goal for you is going to be to set very small very specific goals

so i want you to separate out and choose 3 GAL activities - the ones you think you will enjoy the most - and write them exactly as what your goal is e.g.. i will attend cooking classes
then the action - and then most important how you will feel when you are doing them

for your second goal - "detach" is way to general - it doesn't give you a starting point, because detachment is a process that comes though doing other things like GAL'ing, working on yourself, focusing on other things

so lets break that down - do you find yourself obsessively thinking about your sitch? if so, let's start with tools to help you with that. if you are pretty calm about it let's find out what you can do to get calmer and more centered.

so think about that and get back to me on what you can break down there

MWD stresses that the more specific your goals, the more chance of succeeding with them and then moving to the next set of goals so you see wome progress for yourself

# 3 - let's change the focus of that goal to begin with, shall we? how do YOU want to see yourself? think about the person YOU want to be and become that person. what steps will you take towards becoming that person? and again, how will you feel when you are becoming that person more and more each day?

so that's alot of homework for you - i hope this helps

looking forward to see what you will do with this. i will try to go over and catch up on your sitch

meanwhile, remember that the most important thing to take care of is yourself, not your W or your marriage right now. first things first, ok?

hope you had a good day
zig

[zig]

Time to look at my goals and see where I'm at with them. I can't say I have been successful with all of them, but there have been rewards I didn't expect, from the ones I did really focus on



1. I will commit to setting new goals every 2 weeks and monitoring my progress.

so - i didn't keep a journal - plumb forgot, but i did remember to come read my goals everyday or two and stay focused on them

2. I will do at least 20 mins of yoga and then my meditation every morning before starting my day

I managed to do the yoga for the first couple of days, but then didn't wake up early enough. I did do the meditation, and have upped it seriously in the last week - to 3 or 4 sessions of 15-30 mins.
the yoga is a bit of a struggle for me mentally right now and has been for the last 2 months. am working my way through what is holding me back on that


3. I will practice thought-stopping and focus only on the present, and not get caught up in the details of my sitch

I have really worked on this, and even though i've dipped seriously, there's been a new awareness that has allowed me to get to a good place much sooner. things shifted for me here during this last week, and i can actually take a breathe and think what to do next before i spin out, and what works for me is to go straight to meditation. so i am really pleased with the progress i've made with this

4. I will give s more quality time when we are together and nurture our relationship to a new level

I feel as if i made huge inroads with this and a lot of progress, and i am pleased that i committed myself to s in a new way. I also see s responding very positively -- and he is spending more time out of his br than before. we also went on a trip last week and we did a lot of fun stuff together which was wonderful for both of us


5. I will continue to see H from a loving place within myself, no matter what the details of our sitch are.

I struggled with this a bit over the weekend - but have been able to keep h in a loving place in my mind. I have shifted in that i am not trying to DB per se any longer, and am beginning to turn away, but not from anger, just because that's where i am.

So all in all, even though i didn't achieve all my goals, I feel like I made a lot of progress in these last three weeks

I intend to write a new set in the next few days.

zig

[RoRoinMD]

So I basically wrote these goals, and didn't come back and say anything else. SMH Zig, I did read your comments. I haven't had time to write back to you until now. So here's how I did on my original goals.

1. I will exercise at least 3 times a week.
I did okay with this, but not great. I'm participating in a 30 day workout challenge this month, so that has helped me acheive this so far in September.
2. I will practice thought-stopping and focus only on the present, and not get caught up in the details of my sitch (stolen from Zig...she said it perfectly)
I have been trying to do this. It has worked for the most part. I have found myself thinking more about my sitch than in recent months, so I've had to do some real practice not to get spun up on how things are going.
3. I will try to do one fun thing with H each week.
So far we haven't made it to the movies once as we planned. We have watched a few new shows together and watched football, so I guess that counts. I really was hoping for more outside activities, so that's an update for my next set of goals.
4. I will call/text SS once a week. (Actually been doing really good at this one)
My SS' phone has been broken for the past couple of weeks, and he just reactivated his FB account yesterday, so I haven't talked to him at all. H has, but I'm never at home when he calls. He should have a new phone by Saturday though, so this will carry over to my new list of goals.

[RoRoinMD]

I'm going to have to work on my new goals on paper and then post them here. I am reading zig's questions to me and I honestly don't have answers. It's crazy that I can't come up with another goal that is just about me?! I've been focusing on other people and neglecting myself for far TOO long!

[zig]

I read your post RoRo and glad you came back - that shows growth and determination on your part even if you don't feel it strongly yourself.

It's hard for us to push ourselves so much - but we come through better off for it.

will respond more later, but for now i am going to quote Brit:

"If I am focusing on spouse, and spouse is focusing on themselves, who's going to focus on me?"

When we truly accept that we have to help ourselves, then we have to turn the focus on ourselves.

For the rest of the day , just quietly repeat that to yourself - and don't pressure yourself about what you feel you must do to improve right away. Let that thought sink in, and I bet that suddenly you will have all kinds of wonderful ideas about what you could do to focus on yourself

Do you think you are important enough to turn your attention to yourself, even for 5 mins? Or is everyone else more important?

You're doing great, RoRo. Awareness is the first step -

I've been focusing on other people and neglecting myself for far TOO long!

and that ^^^ is awareness. Change comes after that without even much effort

talk to you later

zig

[zig]

There are a lot of people struggling to specify goals, and I know what that feels like - it's hard to be specific when our emotions are in so much upheaval.

I don't know if it's okay to do this, but I just found a site that has some phenomenal tools for goal setting. It's aimed at women who are trying to save their marriages - and it is very much focused on solution -oriented thinking and how to go about that. there is also a very clear explanation on how to differentiate between problem oriented thinking and solution oriented thinking which really helped me tremendously

So if it's okay - here's the name: 1lovespiritdotcom There is so much DB similarity there, that I feel it's okay to post this here because it completely supports and enhances MWD's own strategies, focuses alot on getting the LBS to a very strong place, shows them how to outline their goals and make them solution oriented, gives tools and solutions on how to view our situation from an emotionally calm perspective and best of all - to help us to move from fear and blame to a place of love.

It is based on law of attraction - so just letting you know that in advance

I've only read through the first section, including the links on that page and there is so much there - I want to sit and do all the goal setting exercises myself - hopefully this weekend

mods, i sincerely hope that this is okay to put here. if not, please delete this post

thanks
zig

[zig]

just wanted to add:

i got to that site through a google search which took me straight to one of the pages. after i posted, i thought i better check if the link worked and started laughing - it really looks like one of those gazillion save your marriage scam sites.

but before you dismiss it completely based on the look, delve in and you may be surprised

zig