And with a swift kick to the testicles a movie we watched brought me close to square 1 again. W is talking about how we havnt had a passionate relationship since a while ago and how we are setting ourselves up for a series of these problems. Dam. This is gonna be tough.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
We ended up having an R talk for about 2 hours. It was civil and at least I got an "I really want us to work" but in a nutshell she doesn't know if we will. She says she is really confused and that she has been doing thinking about how this happened. We mapped out when this all started and we figured out a few things but where we figured out a few things more issues popped into place.
I don't get how we had been getting closer and she kept talkin more and more about plans together for the future including home buying together only to be told that she is not optimistic about us working like I am. WTF
Now she is also talkin about taking her week away again to collect her thoughts and try to "gain some clarity" in her words.
Any ideas forum cause that was something I knew could happen but thought wasn't going to happen.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
After thinking about how awesome a weekend we had this just ripped me a new one.
Time to pull back even harder it seems. Glad we have a MC appointment next week after all the craziness of her triathlon and car show are over. I now almost hope she goes on a retreat cause she needs to figure this out and stop stringing me on and on with these future plans.
Sandi and 25yearMLC I could really use some support here.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
One good thing was that she said that me getting a job was a good step for "us". And that she "Wants us to work"
The bad thing is we mapped out where the major issues started and it was when she broke her foot. We had moved in together and she had broken her foot. I had plans to go out with friends and my brother and she made me feel like I abandoned her when I went. So I came home early and after that I never really had a social life outside of "us". I had already bought her engagement ring and knew when and where I was proposing. So I told her I had a ring for her sorta telling her that if she wants out, now would be the time. NOPE she stayed with me and said "yes" and "I do" and all the other cards and promises.
So now at least I know that me losing a lot of my individuality and her and I doing almost everything together because of what she did that night is where the turn was. And now I have something to work on, so I will GAL more and pull back harder and hope god I need more hope.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
me losing a lot of my individuality and her and I doing almost everything together because of what she did that night is where the turn was.
It's also what you did that night. It's never a good thing to give up yourself to be in a R. So don't put that on her. Work on yourself so that you can be a true partner in the R. The surest way to ruin a R is to be resentful of what you're giving to your partner.
On that night with the broken foot, she asked for something and you gave it but it seems it wasn't given unconditionally. That's not her burden, that's yours.
I read back over this thread and I think you need to find you, figure out your boundaries. You talked about your inlaw's resentment filled marriage. This is how it happens, no one has boundaries.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I don't put what happened that night all on her. I chose to let what she said and how mad she was effect me instead of making a stand for myself and tellin her that I have my life outside of us and I am sorry she feels bad but it's the way it is. However instead of doing that I caved to her wishes because she was mad and I didn't want to lose her. Silly now that I think about it.
She also asked me last night about whether I knew for sure that I was in love with her or whether I just thought I was because she is my first long term relationship. Then I told her how I had a long time crush grow herself at me when W and I had first got together. And it was my absolute lack of interest in this OW throwing herself at me because of my strong attraction to W that solidified my feelings that W was the "one" for me.
Man what a clusterf*�^% this is.
LA I hope you are right that she is being cautiously optimistic because I really want us to work.
Me - 30 W - 28 M 4 t 6 ILYBINILWY #1 Jan - 2011 Band-aid Jan 11' ILYBINILWY #2 7/28/12
I don't think choosing to stay with your wife when she might have needed your help was a bad choice, but it sounds like you let go of yourself somewhere.
That's all in the past you can't change it but it can be an insight into what didn't work. Work on you and as 25 says, become the better option.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
We ended up having an R talk for about 2 hours. It was civil and at least I got an "I really want us to work" but in a nutshell she doesn't know if we will. She says she is really confused and that she has been doing thinking about how this happened. We mapped out when this all started and we figured out a few things but where we figured out a few things more issues popped into place.
Remember that DB is all about not dwelling on the past, but building a NEW relationship for the future. It's OK to discuss past issues because it gives you a template for your 180's, but don't talk endlessly about what has already transpired.
Originally Posted By: Just A Guy
I don't get how we had been getting closer and she kept talkin more and more about plans together for the future including home buying together only to be told that she is not optimistic about us working like I am.
That's normal, you're not going to see all forward motion in this process. Now and then there will be a step backward. Don't worry about it, just keep up with the 180's and take everything she says with a grain of salt.
Originally Posted By: Just A Guy
Now she is also talkin about taking her week away again to collect her thoughts and try to "gain some clarity" in her words.
If she's asking for space then by all means give it to her! Encourage her to get away and collect her thoughts! It would be a good time for NC, let her initiate while she's gone. Don't put any pressure on her.
I don't think choosing to stay with your wife when she might have needed your help was a bad choice, but it sounds like you let go of yourself somewhere.
That's all in the past you can't change it but it can be an insight into what didn't work. Work on you and as 25 says, become the better option.
You might be overanalyzing it and too close up on her. Maybe if you provided analysis and updates once a week versus several times per day. A trend I've noticed in these sitches is it tends to not work if you are too close up on it.
Regain your internal locus of control. That means control you. Figure out what you need to do and do it. It sounds like she is getting drawn back to you, but you keep messing with it. Keep overanalyzing it, fading and doubting your confidence in it.
Have faith it is going to be good either way, take good care of yourself.
That your W is "wanting us to work", wanting to go to counselling with you is good enough. Stop talking to her so much and pressing so she won't say "well I need some time away so I can sort myself out". We all know that's never a good thing, lol.
I think you'll be fine when you stop persuing. If you get into yourself, she just may pursue you. You have a better chance than most people on this board, because the WAS is indicating interest in making things work.
