Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[kat727]

Thought I would do a drive by and see how you are doing? Things going forward on the sale of the house? Have you been able to keep focusing on you and your son?

kat

[LIO]

Hiya Kat Thanks for stopping in! I'm sorry this is going to be huge - I should've come by earlier, but I was afraid my new changes were not going to last, and here we are!

I've left go of any expectations. Altogether. It feels so... zen. No longer anxious, no weight on my shoulders. Just calm. I can't really explain how that happened and it's relatively new (since my last post 08/03). I guess it's acceptance of 'this is my life RIGHT now. IT may not be my life in 3 years, much less 3 days - but RIGHT now - here I am' and I think that this has been one of the best experiences of my life (as crazy and messed up as that sounds giving all the drama before.) It boils down to 'I live' (not 'I survive'. I live) and NOW how do I want to live?

My house is still up for sale, had 20 people come by - but only 1 offer that I think they were not serious on (hadn't heard back from them in 2 weeks). So - still sitting here. I can't drop the house price anymore, so I'm looking at continuing to pay the mortgage myself (69% of my take home income, which is not what I want), saving the $ away without paying the mortgage (and if a buyer comes through, then catch the loan up) to get it in a short sale situation. I am not going to rent this house and have tenant issues. H will not be returning here - he has made it very clear. I don't feel like holding on 'hope' out of sacrificing the future for my son and I. I'm not rushing this housing decision (I would have 6 months before a foreclosure at least, 3 months before the bank will even discuss short sale with me), but I am looking at trying to put MY financial future in line. A lot can happen between now and then. Or not. Either way.

It's been 6 months since H dropped his bomb on me. 3 since he moved out. Life on his end: status unknown. My end?: Well, I've stopped any 'drive-by follow ups' (aka spying!), calling, and I've stopped texting all together, I actually don't even answer the phone when he does call now (it's always for S and if I did answer on a day like today - he was in a meeting that he hates and I do not need to receive the brunt of *that* mid-month pattern as evident in my sig!). H still comes over in the mornings, and on the weekends - then goes to his apartment at nights. Whenever I do think of H, it's just a passing thought of how he sounds miserable on the phone at work, and how every night - I am home with S, and he CHOOSES not to be and he sits in his furniture-less place, sleeping on the floor. (But hey, at least it's just 10 minutes away from his work!) I just repeat his words now: "It is what it is" (he was reconciling his own behavior to have no consequences). That just isn't MY life.

Let's see - I stopped asking questions (do you love me, do you want to move back home etc...) Not initiating sex, kisses, hugs. I actually don't even hardly initiate conversation anymore - he does now.

I do make it a point to:
-- be less stressed (with him or without him present)
-- to not be on the computer, distracted.
-- keep my house clean (this is for my benefit)
-- be pleasant to be around, funny, laughing, nice AND then make a excuse to leave the room
-- THE hardest thing I had to do this week was to not invite or push myself on his plans. He took S on their first ever camping trip. I just kept all those fear-based and jealous thoughts down. Worked out for all of us. They had fun, I had a mini-vacation where I could lounge around and do whatever I wanted for the 2 days. AND it was a big 180 accomplishment for me.


Things I've noticed (neither good nor bad, just observations):
-- The mood in the house is definitely different. Lighter for me.
-- I mentioned a month ago that he was on the computer distracted all the time. He stopped that this last week and had brought up that change with a smile.
-- He's been checking in with me on the weekends about his business plans. I just say "Oh that sounds great, have fun." 2 weeks ago he was telling me what he does isn't my concern. Now he is sharing. Maybe a courtesy thing. Doesn't matter - just different.
-- I stopped fighting. I've contemplated the phrase 'drop the rope'. I don't even want to touch the rope now. Part of my 'zen' moment was that I realized I didn't want to be bitter, uptight, stressed and frankly, any conversation while gripping that rope was me being all of those things.
-- He made a future plan *GASP!* with me (without me initiating it).
-- Got a 'pat' on the head the other day as he left the house... yeah..like a dog, lol. Was more affection then he's shown in 6 months and I did not initiate contact (was just sitting minding my own business, reading).
-- Been really enjoying my time with S. Just he and I - no thoughts at all of H or trying to involve H in the day.

So long of the short - yes, I am focusing on me and my S. He starts school this year, so it's a exciting time for us. I just got him enrolled, and now the fun of school shopping will begin! I'm starting to actually see my life as MY life - not one that I need to have attached to someone else. It's all so.... odd!

[kat727]

Sorry I haven't been by...swamped at work and at home. I suppose that is a good thing. How are things progressing? Any changes?

kat

[LIO]

Changes.... well.....
getting into trouble again.

A couple of days ago H asked if he could come over (wasn't a good time - house showing and kid discipline issue) I said it wasn't a good time 4 times. H showed up anyway and was annoyed I had security bolt on.

Then
I was invited to the fair several times specifically, I was excited, I admit. H had also been telling me about his new job he might get. Then this morning I found a conversation between ANOTHER girl and H.
I lapsed.
I asked questions, made comments - was angry...all of it. Same as it was 6 months ago. I thought I was making some progress. Or at least that I had.
I had done so well... until a new "just a friend" entered in.
BUT....
I felt like I was paving the way to make him have a easier life at my own expense.
Every night I had S with me. Every night H got to do his own thing, go to his apartment, and come and go as he wished, using the TV, Internet, food, whatever. Come in, make breakfast for us, keep us 'happy' without connecting, then take off for his own things. Leaving me with house/kid/pet and no time for GALs.

Tonight, I had H bring S with him to his still-unfurnished apartment for first time in 7 months. I was lied to again. I decided I didn't want to feel hopeful. I was in limbo. I was told to do this months ago and I didn't.
I gave an ultimatum (Call her and tell her that whatever 'thing' they have is not 'appropriate' (based on some sexual innuendo from her) otherwise you will lose me for good). He wouldn't. He chose to talk to her and hang up when I approached. I am not okay with living the rest of my life with this as okay.

He left angry, but with S. I asked S to be returned by certain time (very reasonable) and was met with: "I will bring him back whenever I FEEL like bringing him back." Yeah... So loss of control?

I might have messed up. but i don't know. In the end - it's been 8 months since this started. The sentiment is still the same from him (wants divorce - me no divorce). I don't want to feel used anymore and I felt like he was never having to experience reality. And looking back, there hasn't been a time where he wasn't lying about his involvement with a girl. I'm really not a jealous person - I just know that every time H develops a friendship with a girl, 3/4 times, it turns into a EA or PA. So why should I treat this any different now?

[kat727]

I want to ask why you let his affairs, emotional or physical, go on. No, you can't end the affairs for him but you don't have to keep having your H have them in front of you.

I think it is time for the last resort...go dark. You are still too wrapped up in what he does. Treat him like the mailman. He deserves nothing more from you. He is still getting a rise out of you and you revert back to your old ways. Those didn't work before and they won't work now.

He doesn't believe you will leave because you have stuck around time after time. Your ultimatums carry no weight because you don't carry through. Don't give them unless you are ready to leave.

Weren't you going to move? Or is that all depending on you selling the house? House and son conversations only. Work on your life. I have told you before, the only people I knew that actually saved their marriages are the ones that had truly let go and were moving on without their spouses. No bluffing, so it isn't a game.

kat

[LIO]

Why I let it continue...
I had hope and faith in that he would 'see' what I saw - because in the past, he eventually came around (but did he?). I never thought of divorce actually until he brought it up. I don't know why. I guess I always thought of 'us together forever' and working through any issue no matter what because it made more sense to me to tackle a problem. But I didn't see it as the problem was within him.

I am going to sidetrack here. One thing that I am seeing as a theme is that I will 'protect' others from my H's behavior. His crazymaker, his moods... Why should I be the one who bears that burden? I am taking a huge step back here as you will read below and not rescuing other people. But I see I need to commit to rescuing myself too.


Moving was dependent on selling the house - which hasn't sold or had any other offers. I met with a second agent yesterday and found out some very helpful information. I am firing my agent tomorrow and hiring a new one. H and I talked about that today.

Just journaling here:
I should have set up the S going to H's house boundary earlier! (it appeared that he used the furniture as an excuse). S hated it over there - no toys, no furniture, no tv, nothing to do. And boy - did H hear about it from S!

I will say now, he is involved with one heck of a woman.

She is trashing me, calling me crazy, then at the same time writing passive aggressive things so I see it. Then posting some of his blog entries so she can 'connect' with him (again so I see it), and writing comments like "it's better to wait for something that you want, then to regret not doing it". Fun!
I've since blocked her - but he also sees a copy so at least I'm not 'making it up'. There's some drama going on for her (it's always one-sided, he doesn't respond to emails often) as she is going on and my junk mail is getting bigger each time I look at the count (not reading it not reading it). Two I read before I blocked it was something about how he is hot/cold. Then later she tried to talk to him tonight on phone (after of course she couldn't reach him ALL day today (yeah.... he is with his son!), he didn't want to talk and "she doesn't get it and is confused." (Yeah - honey...no sympathy, no words from me here - call ME crazy?! Talk to him.)

With the first contacts from her, I had what I will call a final rise from me - and I stopped mid sentence and said "wow, you both got what you want. You got a rise and she got the satisfaction of knowing that I am pissed and that I know about her. I don't HAVE to have this in my life - it's drama and I don't need it and it blocks my nice life I'm setting up for MYSELF and our son. Have at it." He went silent. I didn't talk to him for 1.5 days until today when he called. I said I was finally ready to let him go. He deserves to be happy and if that's the type of life he wants, I'm not stepping in his way. I deserve to be happy and I can't spend the rest of my life with women coming in and out like that and that means he will accept that I won't be a part in his life anymore except to email him only about S's school stuff if I have to. I've got my goals now and they don't involve him anymore.

I am complying with what a court would say for custody. He got S on Fri/Sat,. In the conversation today, he said the only time I was "crazy" was when he lied and continued to lie when evidence pointed otherwise and calling me crazy deflected that from him. Wow. an admission. Finally.

But onto things I'm more thinking about now (which isn't H, I promise!)

Tomorrow S starts school. I am nervous! It's the first time in 5 years that I will be on a 'schedule' that I can't mess up (or I make him late for school). And the first time I will be apart from him eek! I might cry!

My GOALS:
I redefined them over the weekend after getting fun fun fun emails from the chick. While I loved my husband - I don't like the crazymaker part. It's too distracting and focuses me on him (I do see this and am constantly working on that).

My goals are to get S to school on time,
get my work under control
get my behind running more and working out (Running outdoors is going to be more difficult as I'm living like a single parent 95% of the week now)
Sort of long-term:
I have my finances going well. I'm proud of that. I am making headway now.

[kat727]

This was a cycle that you both lived in. You stayed so what was the big deal? Well hon it is not how marriage should be. It is just two people in it not three. Believe me after being married 17 years with 4 kids I was all over the place! My then H would be over all of the time (cake eating). I told him I was tired of living in limbo and well he chose the bimbo.

It took probably a good three years after the divorce to get to a fairly good place and once in a while I do have slips where it gets me. I really do hope you can save your marriage but your H has a ton of work to do. I am not sure he is willing to do that. Just don't accept anything less than what you do deserve.

Hugs, kat

[LIO]

Hiya Kat!
I so appreciate you stopping in. I really need to hear life from people who lived it too.

Just some random thinking tonight.

On 'saving' this marriage. I don't think I have anything I want to save. I am not perfect, I have faults. I am only wanting to work on ones that bother me right now because I don't think that I AM the problem. Is he willing to do the work? Do I care to wait around? Did I just see a bit of 'trying' from him today? I said 'thank you' and left it at that.

First day of school and wow... I definitely needed this to happen. Consistency, healthy routine for this house. Something I've been missing for years. H called to talk to S about school and did a night prayer on phone with both of us (something we just started to do last night as S is going to a religious school).

[kat727]

So it has been about a week. How are you guys settling into the new school routine? Have you been able to stay resolved and only discuss house and son?

Thinking of you and hoping all is well.

kat

[LIO]

Hi Kat,
It's difficult. I am not going to whine about it.
The school routine is tiring for me because I have to get up to do all the kiddo stuff, get him to school, pick him up, do the homework with him and repeat. and still get in 8 hours of work. H works so late that he doesn't even get out until 10 or 11.

H calls every night to do the evening prayer with S. He includes me in it, but I can't read into it.

journaling (I have to do this more since I miss out on other's posts AND mine end up huge!)

Since that Sunday conversation:
He told me that Monday (09/06) he wants to 'try'. He stopped contacting the girl that weekend. Avoided her. And then he 'broke it off' with the girl this Monday when she attempted to talk to him in person. She's lamenting now and then writing things like 'maybe they just aren't ready for now, but it doesn't mean forever'. For a 2 week relationship... He still sees her posts and says it doesn't matter what she writes - he doesn't care and he said it's immature what she writes. He broke it off with her in person, (she posted it) He won't respond, he won't call, he won't text her. Avoidance still. I'd feel sorry for her if she didn't try to push it all in my face.

Note to self regarding that he 'sees' her posts: LET....IT....GO.... Controlling = me asking him to block her. He will get sick of her 'forever' talk. Makes him resentful (how well do I know THAT!?) I do have to keep away from it too. It's a trigger to see some woman (girl!)

He's communicating more (our communication had been me assuming and him assuming. So I'm having to validate and ask clarifying questions). Sometimes this is extremely frustrating for both of us.

He wants to 'try'...

He's been now saying "I understand how you feel" (I know in db'ing validating is important - but to have this done to me, how can you possibly UNDERSTAND how I feel!?) Which led to a frustrating but helpful exchange. I found out he really means: "I hear what you are saying, and I may not jump to action on what you want me to do right now, but I do hear you and will consider it." I told him that I was glad that he explained it to me because just replying "I understand how you feel" was a blow off response to me. He said he then understood why I would be frustrated with that. (umm. who is validating who here?!)

He's STOPPED saying he wants a divorce, especially when he was angry. He had a opportunity today to say it and would've said it in that situation before. I expected it to come out and he didn't say it. He said "You are frustrating me right now and I'm getting angry" (Telling me his feelings now rather than just hanging up and turning inwards).

I'm finding myself looking at his actions differently. I see why he is doing what he was doing (a wife who complained, who gave him a hard time, who he'd drive so far home to see... no wonder why he was tired!)
I see that on the weekends, he stayed over every day/night for the 3 days. I see why he is doing that (it's not using me), I see his weekdays ARE exhausting with long hours and driving 30 min one way on top of that is NOT appealing.

So some real 180s for me:
I am telling him about my appreciation of what he does.
I validate his feelings in light of this NEW behavior of him telling me his feelings.
I am TRYING to butt out of decisions.
No relationship/future talks.
Smile and laugh when he is here on weekend.



He wants to 'try'. So I think I continue on with this.

His lease ends in December. Our house is starting the sale process tomorrow (round 2!)