Stunning weekend. Entertaing to the max and informative to boot!
Had a major rethink following your suggestions and I think I've finally come up with goals which are actually in place at this moment in time. Which is why I 'recon I feel so damn good!
I will maintain a positive attitude which leads on to …… I will be the person I want to be in communications (thanks ng!) I will continue to GAL which also leads on to …… I will focus on regaining and keeping friends by being my "old" self
The second is something I'm plowing through posts by starsky to come to grips with how to firmly but with compassion discuss what we're both going. Yes I know - I said both - and I'm sticking to that statement. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over it so don't worry;)
I'll have to think about formulation the expected results after seeing them actually working this weekend! Through chance meetings. Chatting. Enjoying. The whole enchilada. Bizarre!
Off to sleepyville. And not having to get up for two whole weeks. Bliss
Oh one of the unexpected results is that now I've got my head from out of my %*+, I'm actually finding myself helping others instead of focusing on my stuff.
I'll have to think about formulation the expected results after seeing them actually working this weekend!
what's this part all about????
you're meant to write down what actions you will take to achieve those goals and how YOU will feel when you are taking those actions.
goals 1 and 3 with the ...
not really sure what that means, mac - are they incomplete or are you referring to something?
that's a great starting point, so i do need you to do a little more donkey work on them - how about with your first cup of coffee this morning? ya know - get them out of the way
I will maintain a positive attitude which leads on to ……
what will you do to maintain the positive attitude, what will you do when you are challenged by circumstances? very specific. how will you feel when you do that
I will be the person I want to be in communications (thanks ng!)
what does that person DO when they are communicating, how does that person FEEL when they communicate in that way.
I will continue to GAL which also leads on to ……
how will you gal, how will you feel. leads on to what???
I will focus on regaining and keeping friends by being my "old" self
who is your old self. is that the old self your wife doesn't want to be with , or some new old self. not trying to hurt you, but what are you saying here really and what is your intention? why do you have to regain old friends? and what will you be doing when you do the above? and how will you be feeling when you do those actions?
so there's some work to help you with your goal 1. because once you get it into that format - you will definitely have a more PMA
great job, mac - and so glad to hear that when your head cleared a bit, you feel up to helping others- that's wonderful
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig looks like I failed with my schoolwork. It's a bugger because I know in my head exactly what this is all about but it's all in one lump. My heads not good at all separating each individual goal (apart from the ones listed) and I'm even worse at listing what I expect to see. Sorry zig. Think this is going to take longer than I thought.
I have a strong feeling that I can do the results bit as a paragraph but it'll be difficult to get 'em down to one line. My brain cells just are not working like that.
Okay, I'm going to toss in my empty tube of toothpaste...
First, the personal goals:
1. I've made an online commitment to stick with a workout program I started recently. 3 cardio and 3 strength training workouts/week. It's tough when I travel and may be tougher when P arrives, but I need to remember its importance. It definitely helps my PMA.
2. I will continue healthy eating. I've just recently done enough reading to scare myself off of white sugar and white flour. As above, it's tougher when I travel. And P, though also into healthy eating, has different ideas about the particulars. She would get peeved if she wanted to make something with white sugar, for example, and she'd ask if I would eat it and I'd say no. So, this may conflict with some R goals.
3. PMA. I will (continue to) pay attention to my feelings and address any issues that arise. The exercise helps. Meditation is another tool. I also recently started taking fish oil supplements to address a likely shortage of vitamin D and almost immediately the black cloud lifted. Hmmm. We need to take extra pains to be nutritionally fortified when we're under stress. And I will remind myself to play to my strengths.
The relationship goals:
1. To be open, warm, and positive. How?
a. Open is a big challenge for me, I think. I tend to just close down and shut off potential sources of pain. I have remained fairly open so far, but it takes conscious effort. What does it look like when I'm open? Part of the problem is that I don't entirely know. It's a big thing for P and I'm kind of clueless about it. I'm thinking that when I'm closed off I'm tense and short in conversations. I've been working on improving that with my housemate. So maybe being open is being calm and present and acting as if all is right with the world. Okay, I'll try that. I will be calm and present and act as if all is right with the world.
b. Warm. I will smile. I will give those in my presence the gift of a smile.
c. Positive. I will cultivate a positive attitude. When I have negative thoughts, rather than blurting them out, I will consciously unfurrow my brow and imagine a positive possibility. I will acknowledge that while a bad thing might happen, a good thing could happen, too. When P is being unreasonably positive, I will note my discomfort and let go of the desire to balance the perspective. I will just observe and think, "Isn't it interesting that she thinks that?"
2. Remain lovingly detached and avoid the detours. How?
a. I will remind myself that P gets to choose how she lives and love means wanting her to do what she thinks is best to take good care of herself. And it also means doing what I think is best to take care of myself.
b. In tough spots, first I will identify consciously when I get into uncomfortable places. Then I will take care of myself (breathe), soothe myself ("I'm sorry you feel that way"), center myself ("My self worth is about my opinion, not P's") without asking P to change something.
c. I will STFU and observe, utilizing my internal boundaries to take in and process what is true and to drop what isn't. I'll remember to just think, "Isn't that interesting that she thinks that?"
3. Leave the path clear for P to move closer. How?
a. The analogy is leaving food out for the feral cat, but I'm not sure what that looks like exactly. I will make sure that there is space for P in the bedroom, bathroom, kitchen. I will make a welcoming space for when her D visits.
b. Respond in a warm, but very low key way to any apparent positive movement from P.
c. Respond in a warm, but very low key way to anything else (lack of warmth, backpedaling, etc.)
Well, that would be a lot shorter if I took out all the thinking out loud parts! I think I've covered most of the predictable booby traps. Except for any kind of R related talks she might initiate... Oh well, another day.
wow stubborn - you have done a lot of thinking here, and it really shows in the "thinking out loud" parts as you put it. I'm so glad for you that you put it all down in writing, because it will make the next step much easier for you, I believe.
need to ask though, just to confirm, as i seem to have missed it in following your sitch. Is P going to stay at your house when she comes back into town? And her daughter also? and for how long? when is this going to happen - couple of weeks or further away?
I ask, because I want you to set your specific goals with that time frame in mind. I imagine it is going to be a challenging time for you, so whatever time we have between now and then, let's put it to the best use and get you really focused so that you are as well prepared emotionally as you can be.
In my mind, that means that we line out your goals so, so specifically, that while you follow them over the next couple of weeks, it will practically transform where you are at
so the first thing that stuck out for me, which was huge - and I really want you to sit and read it over and over, until you can leave it out -
Your first 2 personal goalsl have P mentioned in them - actually to a large extent, as in I want to do this but i don't know if P can handle it when she comes.
We need to work on that first. Personal goals are for you and you only - they are aimed at making you feel good about YOURSELF , not dependent on how they may affect anyone else.
When you aim at certain things to make yourself feel better, but you are already thinking about how you may have to adjust them to accommodate another person, you give your autonomous power away.
We need to focus on building that autonomous power for you - and it comes easily - with small shifts in our thinking. It may feel a bit scary at first, but the personal benefit to you and how powerful you will feel about yourself are so huge and self-sustaining, that the result will be that all those relationship goals will actually become much more achievable - because they will come more naturally and without much effort.
So let's take P out of the equation to start with - and that will take some work on your part - some emotional letting go. There will be some fear that arises, and you will be able to work through and see what is behind that fear also. I mention these things, because as you do the work, the painful part will be a lot easier to handle when you are aware that that is what is going on.
SO I want you to write - for yourself - what does it mean for stubborn to imagine stating and achieving those personal goals, without taking anyone else into consideration? How will she state them, how will she act when she is doing them. what will she do or say if they don't suit someone else. what will it take for stubborn to feel that it is completely okay not to want sugar in her food, even if someone else does? why does stubborn get bothered if P gets peeved if stubborn doesn't want it a certain way as P does?
when you show that you respect your body to take care of it, despite what anyone else may think - it's attractive - calm, non-defensive, self-assured "i don't need you to tell me what's good for me, I know that for myself" attitude
But you can't act like that until you feel like that - so let's work on that first okay?
So after all the digging that i'm getting you to do, let's rewrite those goals in a simple self-assured way. One sentence for each one - specific and to the point. I will...
then the next part is the action - very specific again - exactly how, when , frequency - as detailed as possible -even down tot he time, if that is what helps you stay focused
and then the most important one - I will feel... when i am doing these. so you have to imagine how you will feel.
let's start with those first 3 - give you 5 days to get them really established and then start to refine the relationship goals. I have a feeling that second list may change after your first week with the personal goals.
Sorry this is so long - hope i wasn't too long-winded. and i really hope it helps you
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
mac- i'm going to be lenient with you here - as i really want to get you going on these!! what'll it take? 10 candy bars? a bottle of your fav??
no seriously - i will help you to write the brief sentences down, if you would like. the point isn't that it should get too painful the point is to get started.
i do remember how my thoughts would just lump up and be so difficult to disentangle especially when there was a lot going on//
will that work for you? let me know if you would like me to help you that way
hope you had a good day today
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
and i really hope it helps you