DB Bootcamp - sweetbaby red with AJM

[sweetbabyred]

Today didn't go so well. H and I are both so stressed with all the last minute hiccups of selling the house. And I finally realized that I have to come up with $8k on Monday just to get out.

H will pay me back eventually, but that doesn't help me now. And most likely I'll still pay half of it.

So we were both stressed and H said that he did love me, but he was bored with me and I was no fun to be around. That hurt, because I know I'm overly serious, but I do think a lot of that had to do with the hassle of owning this house. And I had hoped that once the house was gone, we could spend time together without dealing with all of those issues.

So I just needed to get through the last few days and act as if. H moves out tomorrow and the closing should be Monday. Instead, I fell apart and just kept crying. Then I sent emails apologizing.

I need to figure out how to enjoy life more and not take it so seriously. I've always been like this, but I don't want to be that way anymore. This was definitely a wake up call that playing it safe doesn't take away all risk.

Part of me still hopes that after H moves out and really sees what life is like without me that he might be willing to try again. But I may have undone all of my efforts the last few months.

If only there were a rulebook on how to let loose and just relax. But that's kind of an oxymoron, isn't it?

I need to wake up in a few hours for work and hopefully I'll be busy so I won't think about the movers packing up all of my H's things.

Detach and have no expectations--that's so hard to do. I think I'm doing better and then seriously backslide.

[AJM]

Doing better and then backsliding...that's just part of the dance so to speak. Heck, if it was easy, wouldn't we all do it? Naturally?

Something kind of struck me in this: he said he loved you but was bored with you so he left? WTF is that? Are you a playtoy for the amusement of others? If you've always been like this, did he not know what he was signing up for? Did you change? Is it that he can blame you for his leaving? (he will, but he is presumably a grown man and can make his own choices for his own reasons; however unpleasant his choices. An adult doesn't blame others for their own actions.)

That it stung is something I think you should work out for yourself. Because if it stung, there may be some truth to it at least in your mind. But it sounds to me in this post that you are wanting to change to get him back. Or rather to hold on to the life you planned to have with him. I'm not convinced that's a good way to operate, ya know? Doing something to please somebody else so they will like you is going to end badly at some point in my experience. Am I missing something?

I can also tell you from experience that it's only money. It [censored]. But it can and most likely will be made back.

Are you waiting for something in particular to live your life? For things to be a certain way or to have a certain feeling first? Just asking...

AJ

[sweetbabyred]

I've learned enough from this site not to believe anything that H says. So I know that the reason he left is not because I'm no fun.

I'm 99% convinced that he's been scared of losing me from the beginning and my trip to India with very little contact pushed him over the edge. Because of that, he decided to leave on his own terms so that he never had to worry about me leaving him again.

That said, I've always been overly responsible and reliable. That makes people love to hire me to run their events, but I'm not the most exciting person to hang out with. I really am trying to work on letting loose and just enjoying life.

I'm going to have money struggles for awhile, but once the stress of the house is gone, I should be better able to cope. Ever since we owned it, there's always been one project after another in the works.

And they were never fun projects like remodeling the bathroom, more like repairing the foundation, replacing 30 year old windows, replacing carpet and flooring after a broken water pipe, and fixing broken ac units. So it was always difficult for me to spend money on "fun stuff" because I knew what needed to be done with the house.

Now, I'm always budgeting some fun money. It may only be $20 a month, but that allows me to have a girls night or hang out with friends. I'm never going to be wild and crazy, but I want more fun and spontaneity in my life. I had a counselor once call me "hyper responsible" and I don't want to be that way any more.

I want to change that so I can feel better. I think being a homeowner (who got completely taken by the home inspector!) just magnified my responsible side. I could never think about having kids in a house that seemed to be falling apart.

I'm not crazy enough to think that things will be perfect once it's gone, but that huge stress will be off my shoulders. And then if H and I decide to communicate, it can be about our own lives and not what needs to be done with the house.

Yesterday, when I was at work and the movers were at the house, H texted me saying that this moment was the saddest he's been in a long time. I think maybe he'll finally start to see what being separated is all about. And if that's the life he wants, it's his choice.

I'll be here making all the improvements to myself that I've wanted to do for awhile, instead of spending all my time and money improving the house.

AJ, I'm not sure if I'm waiting for something to happen to begin my life. It sure seems like I am, but I'm not sure what or why I feel that way. Maybe "life is what happens when you're busy making plans" should be my mantra. I'm so focused on getting to the next step, no matter what it is. I guess that is something else I need to work on.

[AJM]

Hey Red. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but in many ways getting rid of the house is a good thing from what you've said. It's symbolic in some ways of a large burden. All houses need work, but this one doesn't sound like it's worth it. Material things aren't really worth much, now are they...?

It might be good to take a breath and look at the world around you. What you describe, while successful in many ways for a lot of people, could also be a recipe for burn-out. You sound like a CEO in the making. I'm not saying that's a bad thing if that's what you want, but to be a great leader, you do have to learn how to round out your life and not just focus on tasks.

Even God took a break, right? Not because he was tired I'm sure, but as an example of how we should live our lives. It's not that you can't keep up that pace. Your body and mind will take a great deal of punishment. People will be in awe.

But as for you - that won't be the life you dreamed of as a little girl - I'm just guessing. Maybe you did

As for your H. I have seen similar in my own life. There were times it was as if my ex was afraid I would leave her and so she had to leave first. Except as she did those things, it wasn't quite "right" with her. Her issues may go deeper than MLC or they may not. Your H's issue may as well. I gave up trying to figure out those kinds of mysteries long ago. It wasn't healthy to try and figure out.

Instead, I let go. I let go lovingly even though I was met with all kinds of opposition. Even though at first, I was kept picking it back up or got baited back into the drama. But letting go and letting her make her own decisions (as if I had a say in it, right?) was the best thing I would have ever dreamed of doing.

I think for you the same is true. Let him make his choices and accept what they are in that they are his. You make your choices and expect the same from him. Nothing more. Nothing less.

And maybe figure out if you truly are waiting on something or if you have just not been noticing your life as much you'd like

AJ

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks AJ.

You're not being harsh about the house. As much as it symbolizes the life we had together, I think I'm okay letting it go. If H and I have another chance, we can always buy another house (not that we'd want to after this one!).

I think it's tough for me because one of my big goals was to own a house by the time I was 30. And by that birthday I had a house and a fiance. And now, with my 35th coming up in a few months I don't have either one.

I saw H twice today as he came to get the last two truck loads of boxes/furniture from my garage. He didn't sleep at all last night and doesn't seem to be taking this too well.

I think he's starting to realize what is going on and doesn't seem quite sure how he got here. I've at least had a full year to try to work on myself and figure out what went wrong and H seems to just now be starting. It's sad to see him hurting, but there's nothing I can do.

I do feel bad that SS is finally getting a chance to spend time with his dad and H is so mopey and uninterested in doing anything right now.

Rounding out my life and not focusing on tasks? Hmm, I really do love my to-do lists and now they're even available online. But I should be focusing on the bigger picture, like my relationships with friends and family. And those things can't be checked off so easily.

I was good today at not offering advice to H when he was talking. I just listened, but didn't say anything. H needs to figure out what will make him happy. At least he's starting to realize what doesn't make him happy.

As I'm reading in other threads, I can't be a fixer or teacher as far as H is concerned. I need to keep that in my professional life.

[sweetbabyred]

I took a stand today. Several times, most recently yesterday, H has told me he's going to stop talking to his new friend because she uses him and doesn't treat him very well. I've heard it before, so I never really believe it, but I don't want to hear about it any more.

If he wants to spend time with people who don't treat him well and he recognizes that, he needs to figure out what to do. It's frustrating for me to hear it and see nothing happen to change it.

So today, after he dropped off SS for me to watch and mentioned that she might be coming to my apt complex to help him return a work vehicle, I decided that I wasn't going to put up with it any more.

I texted him and told him that he could be friends with whoever he wanted, but that I didn't want to hear any more about it. No late night phone calls when he's upset, no more listening to him complaining about people using him.

I think he was pretty annoyed by that, as he was at my apt for all of 10 seconds picking up SS and kept telling him to hurry. But I can't be his confidante any more.

This may mean that I'll hear from him less, but that's okay. Maybe if he doesn't have me to vent to, he'll actually do something about it.

[AJM]

Sweet, I get it. Truth be told you could be his confidante, but I think you do very much need to do what's right for you even more at this point. I think you did that by telling him.

You'll need to stick to that so be mindful of that boundary, Ok?

I think you're a very smart person, Sweet. Stay focused on what's important! The rest will fall into place.

I'm out for a while on vacation, but I hope to be able to check in while I'm gone. I hope things go well for you. I think they will

AJ

[sweetbabyred]

AJ, I think that months or years from now, well after we're divorced (if that happens), when I've completely accepted that we're never going to be together, I'll be able to listen objectively.

As messed up as it is, I still consider H my best friend and the idea that I won't hear from him for awhile, if at all, really terrifies me, but I know that I have to stop hearing about all of this. He knows that I feel he deserves better and that he needs to love himself. I wish I could be there with him to talk it through, but it's too frustrating.

The tough part will be to cut him off if he does call and start talking about it, but I've set a firm boundary and let him know, so I need to be strong enough to stick to it.

Thank you so much for continuing to read my story and encourage me. I really do appreciate the feedback and it helps to know that someone thinks I'm strong enough to get through this.

Have a great vacation! Have fun and don't worry about checking in on me. I'm sure not too much will have changed by the time you get back.

[AJM]

Hmm.. You know he has fears and issues. So does he. I think you are doing the right thing setting and enforcing boundaries. Being very clear and communicative. The rest is really up to him.

And I check in because I care, Sweet. I really do. I would rather you have somebody to talk to. I think it's important as you figure these things out. Somebody that's outside and doesn't know either of you may be able to help you keep some perspective, right?

I won't write a lot though. Vacation is vacation after all...

AJ

[sweetbabyred]

Thanks for checking in. I do have quite a bit to update re: my boundaries, etc., but I'm heading out to a good friend's house tonight to drink wine and chit chat. My favorite type of GAL!

Hope your vacation is relaxing.