Hi Kaffe - I'm not proud of that statement. I tried to say it in the spirit of the way I've tried to create family traditions where we celebrate one another, including the kids and including us, and he's never been really on board with any of it - it's just part of my role in the family.
He doesn't recognize my birthday or our anniversary, until we're in the middle of it. I never thought those things meant he didn't care, but now that he's made it quite clear he doesn't care our history takes on new meaning for me. He did not care in the way that I needed him to.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I understand how you feel about him and I respect that.
I know I can personally be judgemental at times, even though I easily forgive... some say, too easy...
So I was only pointing to something that I would point to myself. That I should not hold my past judgement on someone as people can and do change and if they don't, it is simply who they are and that is OK.
So, KD, "So I was only pointing to something that I would point to myself. That I should not hold my past judgement on someone as people can and do change and if they don't, it is simply who they are and that is OK."
I want to think through that. I was kind of bean-counting, but meaning it more in a way of recognizing that our values are different about showing love and celebrating occasions. I'm not judging him, really, because either he's someone who just doesn't get into that stuff or he's someone who doesn't care about me. And that is ok. We'll get unmarried and go on our separate ways.
But if somehow, some way, he decides he does want this life with me, it would be because he's changed, or interested in changing. Because I've changed. You can't assume that someone loves you and allow him to say he just doesn't "get into" things that show love. You need to ask for what you need that shows you love, and make decisions based on whether your request is respected and responded to.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
My thoughts sometimes wander to what it might look like if my W and I got back together. And I can certainly say that, as things are, the M would not work out.
Do understand that I completely understand your perspective and respect it and you. You are doing for you and while DB is about maybe saving our Ms, it doesn't always turn out that way and sometimes that's a good thing.
What I do know is, I disengaged my W. And while I operated from the premise that my W did not have to meet my needs the way I expected her to, it hurt that she didn't. And I now have the tools in hand to be able to recognize if she were ever to show me love in "her way", so I can appreciate it for what it is, rather than having it given to me in my LL. And I learned that disengaging my W was all I knew how to do at the time and I could re-engage her now in a different way and perhaps help her understand and provide me with my LL needs.
And that's all for naught, because right now... we are not M...
And we might be D... eventually...
But at least I know that stuff for future Rs or a possible M.
So as I said, I do understand your position and completely support you in your path. 100%.
Thanks KD - I've thought very much the same thing. That I've learned some new skills and language that would enable me to navigate our relationship differently and more successfully, even if he were only just a little bit interested. But I may not get that chance.
All I can do now is BE different, and maybe that becomes evident to H.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
On my birthday, H set up iTunes on my email instead of his, so now we're electronically separated.
Today he noticed the check cleared that I wrote to start up my new checking account, and he listed off for me all the auto-pay bills that I'll need to change to my new account. He suggested that I move some more money over.
I see this happening and I still can't believe it's happening. I've got to keep reminding myself that I'm lucky to be getting a do-over, not to live my life with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Sorry, Ad. I wish there were something visable that said this may turn around but it doesn't seem like it. Its sad. Regardless, you're an impressive person whose taken this awful sitch and found ways to improve and be better.
You've got a lot of journey left and you seem primed to enjoy it. (((Ad)))
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
I see this happening and I still can't believe it's happening. I've got to keep reminding myself that I'm lucky to be getting a do-over, not to live my life with someone who doesn't want to be with me.
