DB Bootcamp - Jessica M with JackThreeBeans

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Jessica,

I am sorry. I know how that pain feels.

Saying it will go away is true but doesn't help you right now.

Now? Right now...can you get a lawyer? Can you have him wait the 6 months for the pro bono? Can your family help you with getting one?

Don't confront the OW anymore...makes you look unbalanced, and you don't want OR need that.

Keep doing what you have been doing. You THINK you are going to want to know more...and really you don't. Right now...you want to know more because you want proof it was only an EA...

and sadly, if you are here the numbers are pretty high that the affair went PA...not saying they all do, but enough do that you're better served accepting that it likely did happen.

Stop screaming at him and her.

Lawyers...what can you do in regard to getting one sooner?

[MrBond]

I'm very sorry to hear this has been going on.

This is what you need to do ASAP. Lock down your finances and contact a L immediately! You have to see if he used any of your joint accounts to pay for any large purchases.

Next, go for primary custody of your D so that she's protected.

Right now forget about your M. Start protecting yourself first because he'll leave you high and dry.

[Jessica M.]

Jessica,

I am sorry. I know how that pain feels.

Saying it will go away is true but doesn't help you right now.

Now? Right now...can you get a lawyer? Can you have him wait the 6 months for the pro bono? Can your family help you with getting one?

Don't confront the OW anymore...makes you look unbalanced, and you don't want OR need that.

Keep doing what you have been doing. You THINK you are going to want to know more...and really you don't. Right now...you want to know more because you want proof it was only an EA...

and sadly, if you are here the numbers are pretty high that the affair went PA...not saying they all do, but enough do that you're better served accepting that it likely did happen.

Stop screaming at him and her.

Lawyers...what can you do in regard to getting one sooner?

Thank you. I realized a lot of my mistakes after they happened. We had a long talk when he got home. I yelled but we also talked. He seems confused about that relationship too. He said he thought I knew. He confirms that it is physical but not sexual. He said they were not going to have sex until we were officially divorced. I hope that's true because we've had sex and I don't want a chance of getting a STD. I don't know if this girl has fooled around with other guys or if her ex-husband has.

I'm actually sick now. I got sent home from work yesterday after having the most miserable day. I thought I was just miserable from lack of sleep but I had a 102 degree temperature. Went to the doctor today and I have strep or mono. No fun. My husband has helped as he can but this is his mandatory weekend to work.

I'm going to ask if he can wait six months. Not sure if that's a possibility because of the affair but the worst he can say is no. My primary doctor gave me a referral to some personal counseling and I got my anxiety medicine upped.

No more screaming. I don't need to remind him why he's leaving me and make OW look more desirable. I don't want to know any more. I know what I need to know and everything else will be harmful and not helpful.

How do I act towards him? I still want to make this work. He's my husband and my daughter's father. I want our family back together.

I almost wish it was just a PA instead of an EA. He said he was in love with her. I read a letter he wrote her and it just broke my heart. He said he was in a very low place when he wrote it but still.

So confused and wanting to do the right thing.

Advice?

[Jessica M.]

So I woke up this morning around 5:30 to go bathroom and he wasn't here. His truck is still here but no him. So I'm assuming he's with her. I've been praying for the past hour. I don't know when he left. The last time I saw him was at 11:30 when I brought the dog upstairs to go to bed.

It's strange that he did not take his truck but she picked him up. His cell phone is off because I tried to call once (only once and did not leave a message). That frustrates me because what if there was an emergency with our daughter and he was unreachable.

I got upset with him today and he said that we were over regardless of him and her. He's not 100% sure about her but he knows there is no hope to save our marriage. He said I need to stop crying and move on. I just found out about the affair 3 days ago. It hasn't been that long! I've tried to be strong around him but being sick didn't help it just made me more emotional and worn down.

I keep praying and am trying to change my behaviors but it seems like there is no hope.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Monsters in your head are making everything into more monsters.

Is he with her?

Maybe. Heck it's very likely, but that doensn't mean he is with her. A friend could have picked him up.

IF something had happened with your daughter...yes that would be horrible, BUT that is not what is upseting you. YOU not being able to contact him to confirm your fear is what is really upsetting you, right?

Your jumping to conclusions, and in doing so, your day is now horrible.

PS - They almost always say
"we were over regardless of him and her. He's not 100% sure about her but he knows there is no hope to save our marriage"

I'll tell you this, he is going to come home expecting you to be upset and in a fighting mood. I wonder what would happen if you weren't or didn't?

If you did fight, that would be more of the same.

And DBing is about doing things different...not them, you; the person posting here.

[Jessica M.]

Thank you. I was a complete fool and he was in our other daughter's room (my stepdaughter who doesn't live with us). She has a super comfortable bed and we've both slept in there before (separately) when we can't get comfortable anywhere else. It has been a really long time since he's slept in there. I didn't even think. Finally after it seemed like forever and our daughter was up, I looked in there as a last chance because I finally thought about it. And yep, he was in there. I then let him sleep in which he appreciated. He had gotten the VM (which I calmly left after I daughter had woke up - "You're probably with her and that's fine, just wanted to let you know that Alyssa is up and asking about you". He thanked me for not freaking out and actually letting him sleep once I knew he was there. Then he said that he thought maybe I would freak out because he wasn't downstairs but couldn't sleep and figured I would figure out.

But I was calm. I prayed a lot before and that helped. I did phone a friend, who is a mutual friend, and she helped a lot and prayed for us.

I want to continue changing my behavior and remaining calm. That is probably the biggest thing I need to change on a consistent basis. Not only will it help with my marriage but it is a life skill I need to be successful in all my future and current relationships (not just romantic but anything).

A new thing to work on is forgetting about OW. I know about her and that's enough. I can't make snide remarks or put her down or anything that could make me seem like the wench and her the victim. I also don't need to remind my husband about her at all. He doesn't need my help with that.

I jump to conclusions a lot which I need to work on. But I was a fool about the affair for so long that it makes me not want to be so naive anymore. I am definitely working on it.

I have a lot of things to work on! And I'm sure there is more too! I know there is! Being consistent is my biggest struggle right now. I know what I should be doing most of the time but I get in the heat of the moment, or tired, or stressed and it goes out the window.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Being fooled about the affair doesn't mean that in order NOT to be fooled about it that you're always pointing it out, and saying I know you're with her.

Right now? There is an affair. Until it is over that is the way it is. So there is no fooling you about it.OK?

[Jessica M.]

Makes sense. I have a lot to learn in this area. I am taking it one day at a time. And trying to keep myself very busy so I don't think about it.

I was talking to our neighbor yesterday and she told me how the last time she saw him they were talking and he actually asked her if he should stop the divorce and how his dad was surprised that he hadn't yet. I'm not sure when this happened but it's interesting. Why he would be asking our neighbor about it I'm not sure. We're both acquaintances with her and our daughter plays with her daughter but not someone I would think he would be getting life changing advice from. I'm not really sure what she said about it but she did say not if you're going to cheat on her and she didn't even know he was cheating on me, she just assumed.

I'm just going to continue working on myself and my issues. Anything else I should be focusing on?

[25yearsmlc]

Focus ONLY on yourself b/c you are the only factor in this equation that you can control.

So focussing on him, is useless. Focussing OW is useless. Both are counter productive.

you have already realized you do have some issues to work on and not just to save your marriage but to have a better life. "Losing it" often, feeling overwhelmed often, tired and getting physically sick which seems to correspond to how you feel emotionally

is not a way to live well. And it's not what you want to model for your d.

You do need a lawyer. I am a L and I can tell you that if a hearing or divorce is anywhere near you in time (less than a month??) you MUST hire a L.

It's going to cost you far FAR MORE if you do not hire one. I'd sell jewelry before I'd go to court without a lawyer and I'd bet A LOT that your h has spoken to one on his own. (So has OW---esp if she's divorcing her h too)

I think you can buy an hour of the L's time at the very least and learn your rights.


It's possible that going back to work is NOT in your legal interest (even though it's very very likely you'd need to go back to work at some point and maybe, maybe going now is better).

It's just that when a divorce happens or support payments are determined, the bigger the disparity in income, the better for you in terms of how much he'd have to pay

OTOH he may resent that even more. So on one hand you need to protect yourself financially which COULD mean not working yet, and OTOH, you need to not escalate things w/your h.

Chances are he IS having some doubts and if you are the better choice,

time will reveal that. So, BE THE BETTER CHOICE...how is his r with his first wife?

And his daughter? And how is your r with her? Also, since you can't change the past, stop regretting not going back to work sooner.

You'll never get those 2 years back with your d so I'd say be grateful for the time you had with her. And move forward.

It's good that you know working on being CALM is so important

b/c calm people, serene people, are just way easier to be around. AND you'll be less needy as a direct result.

That's a life skill worth getting. It is also going to lead you to a happier life.


One exercise I used to stay calmer was to turn my marriage over to God. I also turned my pain/anger over to Him. Frankly, it was too much for me. And it's a form of what I call "active prayer".

I'd go in the shower so the kids didn't think I was nuts and I would literally say it out loud ("God, I turn this m over to you") maybe 100 times especially before I expected contact with h.

Thinking it, saying it and hearing yourself say it, helps it sink in.

It was soothing.

Good luck! I'll try to find Gabbysmom for you too.

[Jessica M.]

Thanks to both of you.

I'm first going to ask him to postpone the divorce until I can get a probono lawyer. He doesn't have one. Doesn't mean he hasn't spoken to one but he doesn't have one. If we had waited until we could both afford one, we'd never get divorced (which would have been what I wanted). If that doesn't work than I'm at least going to see if I can get a consultation and go from there. Minus my wedding ring, I have no jewelry to sell.

Definitely been trying to focus on myself and "fixing" what I need to fix. Emotionally I've already come so far, but I know there is a lot I still need to work on.

I'm already back to work. That was one of our major problems. I only make minimum wage and work part-time. I'm going back to school in about 2 weeks.

His relationship with his ex-wife is okay now. They had a horrible divorce and it was very bad at first. She is very manipulative and mean. They are definitely doing better now. But she lives 2 hours away with the kids and so he doesn't get to see them very often. They are busy in activities so it's hard.

My relationship with his daughter has been interesting to say the least. I think I tried to step too much into the mommy role at the beginning when we had them more and she didn't like having one more person to tell her what to do. She is 14 and just having a hard time with life. I'm closer with my husband's son who is 17. He is such a sweet young man. He cried when he found out that we were getting divorced. I love them both so much and it breaks my heart that they have to go through this again.

I am definitely trying to be the better choice. I just need to keep working on me. I keep working on remaining calm and collected and happy. Not putting on a poor me attitude anymore.

Thanks ladies!

Great advice as usual!