Any chance to make it work? I need advice

[sweetbabyred]

Yesterday afternoon, I finally get a text asking if I want to go to the local water park to see SS. I said yes, but offered for them to come to my pool instead.

They agreed and a few hours later showed up. I find out within a few minutes from SS, that they've already hung out with H's "friend" twice since H picked him up the morning before.

I was hurt that it took almost two days before I was able to see SS and mentioned that to H. He responded by saying that his best friend and his boyfriend had seen him already too, so was I upset by that also.

I said I was disappointed, but his best friend is SS's godfather and the boyfriend has known SS for almost 3 years and SS loves him too. So I was disappointed, but understood that I had to wait.

This new girl has only known H for 2 1/2 months and has never met SS, so I was annoyed that she got to see him and go to Legoland with him the first day and then have lunch with him the next day.

I had that day off, so I was available to spend it with SS and H knew that, but instead drove 25 miles to see this girl at the restaurant she works at.

While at the pool H realized he never asked anyone to watch SS when he went out of town the next day. A friend is going to watch him for a few hours tonight while I'm at work, and then I'll have him until tomorrow when H flies home.

H keeps saying this other girl is just a friend, but I'm sick of all of his other friends getting to hang out and do fun stuff with him, while I just get called when he has nothing else going on.

I show up at the house today to watch SS until our friend shows up and find out that I am driving H to the airport in my own car because he used all his gas driving 25 miles to see other friends today.

So I have to use my gas and pay tolls to go to the airport because he can't plan ahead.

Needless to say, I was a little annoyed, but tried not to say anything. H kept mentioning that I had no need to be worried about his friend, even though I never said anything. It was annoying to keep being reminded of her.

As we pulled into the airport I eventually said something to annoy H, although I don't remember what it was. He said that we probably couldn't be friends and that he'd find someone to watch SS when he moves, so I wouldn't have to see him at all.

I know I said something about not wanting to be his friend if all it meant was that I helped him out when he needed rides to the aiport or other help, while everyone else got to have fun with him.

I was so annoyed I even said that I'd appreciate him giving me notice when he files the papers so I wouldn't be caught off guard.

He responds by saying he's too busy to fill out all of the forms, but he should probably do it soon so I can move on. H even suggests that I could do it if I was in such a hurry.

I replied by saying that I didn't want a divorce and I would never fill out the forms, no matter what.

That's pretty much where the conversation ended and I dropped him off. I then sent a text saying that he'd been saying he was confused, but if he was certain he was done, to please make the divorce a priority and I'd leave him alone.

I was trying so hard to detach, but I just can't keep hearing about how much fun he has with his friends, especially when I'm not asking or wanting to know.

I may have erased any improvement I've made in the last few months, but I don't think I can deal with him trying to find dates, etc. while we're married.

It's one thing for him to figure out what he wants in life, but if that involves other women I feel stupid waiting around.

And he's hired two of them for his events, bringing them into my industry, and all the while knowing that I really need money because I'm fronting all the expenses for selling the house.

I need someone who will put me first. I really had hopes that it would be H, but I have to seriously consider that it won't be. I'm not high maintenance, but I do deserve respect and someone who wants to be my partner in life.

[MrBond]

I don't get it. Why are you driving him to the airport and being second fiddle to his whims. You've got to get busy with your own life so that you're too busy when your H needs something.

Once you drop the rope and not even think about him, is when he's going to turn around. Go and hang out with your own friends and even the occassional guy or two. No one says you have to hook up. Go out and have fun.

[sweetbabyred]

MrBond, Thanks for reading.

I didn't know I was taking him to the airport. I was there to watch SS until our friend came and I went to work.

It wouldn't have been as big a deal if it was his car, gas, toll tag, etc.

I'm tired of being there to pick up the slack when he's had all his fun and forgotten to take care of the details.

I want to see SS as much as I can, but once H moves out of the house, I'm going to have to let him see what the life of a single father is.

I just don't want to lose out on a chance to see SS, since he'll be going back to NY in four weeks.

I can't enable H, but my relationship with SS is very important to me and I'm not sure how to make it work.

[MrBond]

"It wouldn't have been as big a deal if it was his car, gas, toll tag, etc."

That's not the point. You're right in thinking that he only uses you when it's convenient. How old is your SS?

You've been married for 4 years so you might have some kind of custodial right to him. Get in touch with a L and see what your rights are. But be sure that he doesn't start using you just for babysitting duties while he's off galavanting around.

To be honest, one of things that would snap him back to reality is if you took a male friend to go out with SS. But stop being his gofer.

[sweetbabyred]

MrBond, I think why it didn't normally bother me to take him places was because my two love languages are acts of service and quality time. So helping someone out is how I show that I care, and it's what a W should do.

Of course, H doesn't want me as a wife and I need to stop showing him that I love him, so that needs to stop as well. He flew home last night and found someone else to give him a ride.

I don't want to start any legal issues to try to see my SS. I've heard that he and his family might be moving back to our state in the next year (depending on the Army), so I can deal with his mom directly to see him and bypass H if I need to.

I've told H I'd like to see him as much as possible, but that I would not watch him so that H could hang out with his friends. He only gets to see his son for a limited time, so SS needs to be the priority right now. H can go back to partying in mid-August if he needs/wants to.

I thought I was better at detaching and acting as if, but the stress of getting the house ready to be turned over to the new owner in a week is getting to me. Closing that chapter of my life is harder than I thought it would be.

And I know that H really won't have a reason to contact me unless he actually wants to since he'll be living on the other side of town.

I'll finally be able to see if he will ever be willing to make me a priority, but I know that won't be for a long while, if ever, so the reality is hitting me.

I know that this will force me to accept where I really stand in all of this, but I think I know the answer and I'm scared to really find out.

[sweetbabyred]

Due to H over committing himself in the last few days before his move, I've gotten to spend quite a bit of time with SS. 99% of my stuff is already out of the house, so he and roommate just have to move their stuff out. It's not my problem, as long as it's all out by 2pm on Monday when we close.

H completely over reacted to a text I sent him on Monday. I wasn't sure what had gotten into him, because first he was asking me to watch SS on Tues and Wed, and then decided that I shouldn't see him without supervision because I might say something mean.

I was confused, because I told H that not only had I never said anything bad about him to my friends and family, I would never think of saying anything to his son. I still have hope that we'll make it through this somehow, so why would I ever do that to his son? And he's H's son, so he wouldn't side with me anyway if I tried to do something like that.

By the end of the conversation, he'd calmed down enough to let me watch SS and mentioned that he was tired of people taking advantage of him. I mentioned again the co-dependent book, because he'd had it on his night stand for weeks, but never took the time to read it.

I suggested he just read the first 50 or so pages, and if he didn't think it would help, he could quit. His IC had recommended it during one of their first sessions, so I said that the dr. probably told him about it for a reason. He actually seemed somewhat eager to try this time and suggested that I check it out right away instead of waiting until after he moved next week.

The next morning he came by to drop off SS and apologized for his behavior and over reaction the night before. He made a few more comments and I reminded him that I'd sent him a digital copy of the book, but would get a hard copy as it would be too tough to read on his iphone.

He still wasn't sure how a book would help, but I read a few of the phrases about signs and symptoms of a co-dependent. After a minute or so, he said, I get it, that describes me.

At the library, I found one of the author's newer books on cd and checked that out for him so he could read it on his long drives. Yesterday, when I dropped off SS, I could tell that he'd taken the cd and started to listen to it.

I just want him to understand that he's not all alone in always trying to take care of others and never feeling good enough. I don't know if this could save our relationship, but I'll be satisfied as long as both of us are happy, together or separately.

He just kept mentioning how confused he was. H could never say no and was always being taken advantage of by "friends" so I'll be happy if he just learns to put himself first for a change.

I know I'll be okay and just hope that he can be too.

[sweetbabyred]

I just found out that H spent several hours in the hospital after passing out at the storage unit. So he's in the hospital, SS is with his new roommate, and I have no idea any of this is going on because H didn't want me to worry! He also said that he didn't want me to be right because I'd told him to drink water, eat food, and get sleep because I was worried something could happen.

Somehow his best friend found out and made it to the hospital before he was released. I'm really just frustrated that instead of telling me so that I can at least pick up my SS and take him somewhere he's a little familiar with, he is with someone he barely knows. And I'm sure he was a little freaked out because he was with H when he passed out.

H waited until three hours after he was even released to tell me, so I get all the news at 11pm. H is so frustrating at times, but I know that I can't be married to a man who won't even tell me when he's taken to the hospital in an ambulance. And yet he says he wants us to still be best friends after all this is done.

I am so annoyed right now. It would be one thing if we were divorced, or maybe if he'd actually filed the papers, but he's done no such thing. He asked me for a hug this am because he was having such a hard time with the move and sale of the house, but then tries to hide something as big as this?

[sweetbabyred]

As long as H and I have lived together, we’ve shared a home office. So we’d often spend the day sitting across from each other. And when we’d travel for work, which we both did fairly often, we’d always call or text whenever we had a chance. H would often call me as he drove in between his store visits.

So even when he wasn’t around, it still felt like he was. The hardest part of this separation has been the hours and days that we go without communicating. He was my best friend and the one I’d always share every new, fun little thing that I learned. Even after a year, part of me always hopes that it’s him when I hear my text notification go off, even though most of our conversations have been about the house or other financial matters.

So today I took a brave step and told H that I didn’t want him to contact me when he feels used by his other friends. As recently as yesterday he told me that he wasn’t going to talk to one of his newest “friends” anymore because she kept using him. And today I hear that she might be coming to my apartment complex to help him return a work vehicle.

I decided I had enough and after he dropped off SS, told him by text that I didn’t want to hear any more about his friends who mistreat him. It frustrates me because he doesn’t do anything to change it and just keeps going back for more. I’ve realized in the last month or so that I’ve been acting codependent as far as H is concerned and decided to put a stop to it.

He spent about 10 seconds inside my apartment when he picked up SS and kept telling him to hurry up. I don’t think he has anyone else to vent to, but I just can’t do it anymore. Maybe this will encourage him to actually follow through with what he’s learning in the codependent books, but at the very least I’ll stop getting dragged into the drama. I can’t stand to hear that someone is taking advantage of my H and not being able to do anything about it.

So, at least on this one issue, I’m dropping the rope. Maybe I’ll get even stronger and be able to make some more changes soon.

[reachingHigher]

Just really appreciated your post to me tonight, sbr. I can relate to the thing about being best friends. H & I met while working together in what many would consider a stressful occupation. I thrilled to work with him and take all of our breaks together for years.

And last fall when we were trying to go through a marriage-help book but his heart wasn't in it, all he would do is cry -- he told me the first few years we were together he felt it was the two of us against the world. And we lost that. Oh, to gain that back!!!!

[sweetbabyred]

Thank you for taking the time to read my posts. I usually don't get that many responses, but that may be because I just ramble all of my thoughts to get them out of my head.

DBing has taught me that it doesn't do any good to share these emotions with my H right now and most of the world doesn't understand why I won't just file for D and move on.

Having a friendly community where I'm not considered crazy because I'd still like things to work has really helped. I only wish I'd found the site a year earlier.

Looking back, I can see so much that I took for granted, because I just assumed I'd have it forever. At the very least, this sitch has taught me to be thankful for what I have, because it could all change.