So, here is a quick update on what has been going on. Last Sunday, she and I got into it via text message and went the rounds for a couple of hours. Monday morning was the same thing and at the point I told her that I was going NC for the most part. After that I had no more contact with her Monday, did not talk to her at all on Tuesday, and didn't talk to her until about 9:00 and that was because she called me.
Tuesday I had a meeting with our bishop. He told me that he had met with my W on Sunday and his impression is that she is struggling with her decision and that emotionally he doesn't feel that she has the emotional strength to go through with the D. I also met with a member of the Stake Presidency (a stake is a unit in the LDS church that is comprised of five to ten congregations and the stake presidency oversees those congregations) and he told me that I should be patient because he felt that things would work out.
Wednesday I went to the temple and after I got done I checked my phone my W had called me. She wanted me to go with her on Thursday morning to sign some papers that said that I had seen the divorce papers and that I consented to the court having jurisdiction over the divorce. It was not exactly the phone call that I had wanted to have but she did seem happy to speak to me and seemed really happy to hear that I had been to the temple.
Thursday we met to sign the papers. There was a lot of tension between us and she did not want to talk to me much. I did ask her about something that she has said to me a couple of times, which is that she does't see kindness in my eyes. She said "why do we have to talk about this," and I just let it go for the time being.
Thursday evening she brought the kids by and I got to spend the evening with them. That was the highlight of my week. I took them to the park, we had pizza, and we played and watched television. At the end of the night I decided that I would let the kids have my small collection of Transformers to take home with them. That has been a source of contention because my kids have wanted to play with them and I had them as collectors items. However, I decided that the kids should have them because I would rather have the kids have them and enjoy them then keep them myself. When she came to pick the kids up I mentioned to her some library books that the kids needed to return and that was all that I said.
Friday and today were back to NC. I called the house to thank her for letting the kids come over and to ask when she would let me see them again. To avoid any kind of conflict I called when I knew nobody would be home and left her a voice mail. I have yet to hear back from her. Also Friday I got an e-mail letting me know that I was accepted into the MPA program I had applied for.
There you go, everything that has happened between us this week. It has been a rough week in a lot of ways, such as having to find out that my oldest went to his first dance this week by him posting about it on Facebook. I really wish that things would turn around soon because I really miss my family. I also have no idea how long I should wait to hear from her about when I will see the kids again before trying to call back. I don't want to seem like I am badgering her, but I do want to see my kids.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
One of the things that continues to trouble me is the fact that she is unable to talk about the divorce at all. She either asks why we have to talk about it at all or she breaks down emotionally and tells me that she can't talk about it because when she does she feels like she is dying inside. I just don't understand why she insists on going forward with the D if she is that conflicted about it.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Okay, so I suggested to another person that in order to stop trying to control things that they can't that they should set a series of goals for themselves that don't have anything to do with their spouse or their R. It sounds like such good advice (and I think I may have seen it here somewhere or had someone else give it to me) that I have decided to set my own series of goal. I suggested to the other person to look at one, five, and ten year goals. So here are mine.
One year goal: To maintain a 3.0 GPA in my masters program and to get at least one A each semester.
Five year goal: To find and keep employment in an agency or organization that allows me to work to better the lives of abused children.
Ten year goal: To put together an organization that travels around the world providing free medical care to impoverished nations and fast reaction emergency care to areas stricken by natural disasters. I know that this sounds like Doctor's without Borders, but my idea is that rather than going into remote areas and setting up primitive hospitals that my organization would operate somewhere between three and five small hospital ships that would travel to ports in stricken nations and offer all of the services of a first class and fully functional hospital. Each ship would stay in one area for a few weeks at a time and travel a fixed route. However if there were a natural disaster they would also have the capacity to respond quickly and I would also like to have emergency supplies and a small fleet of transport aircraft that could operate in primitive conditions that could be used to respond quickly to disaster areas and begin treating people as quickly as possible.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
There are days when I just feel like giving up and I know that is what she wants me to do. For some reason my W keeps trying to push me to be the one to end the marriage even though she is the one that filed for D. Whether it is pushing me to sign the waiver that would allow the divorce to proceed, telling me that I need to find someone else, or telling me that I should go be with the woman who I became involved in an EA with after we separated (which I broke off contact with her once I realized what was happening) she wants me to be the one that puts the final nail in the coffin for her.
I don't understand why that is. If she felt so strongly about the divorce to file for it, why does she want me to be the one to end our R? Is this a test to see if I really mean it when I say that the only thing I want is her and our kids? Should I read this as a hopeful sign? I am so confused right now; I wish I could stop wandering in the wilderness and find the promised land.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
So I talked to my W today. No R talk, just called to see when she was bringing the kids by this week. I did call her, because she still had not called me back from Friday. I wish I could have talked to her for more than about 30 seconds but I am trying to maintain NC as much as possible except for when it involves the kids. I have not given up hope, although some days are harder than others. A long time friend of her family, basically my W's surrogate dad in a lot of ways, came up to me at church and basically told me that I had better not give up on her. I don't know if he knows something that I don't but he has always been someone I have trusted for wisdom and advice so his encouragement really meant a lot to me. I have also in the last few weeks had the husband of one of her friends come up to me in church and tell me to keep trying because things will get better. He went through divorce a number of years back so he could just be giving me generic advice but in light of someone else who knows her really well telling me basically the same thing I wonder if they know something that I don't.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
The last few days have been pretty rough for me. Last night I spent a good portion of the night tossing and turning and thinking about my W. A good portion of that was spent wondering if she ever thinks about me or misses me. I know that I need to let those thoughts go and focus on things I can control, but that can be very difficult at 1:00 am. I kept having one thought run through my mind that was weird though. I kept thinking about the part of the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus said "Blessed are the peacemakers." I don't know why that would be a reoccurring thought right now because I have not studied anything about the Sermon on the Mount in quite awhile. I am a religious person and I do believe that God does send us messages through dreams and thoughts and stuff. If this is a message I just wish that he could be a little less cryptic.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
One thing that has helped me was trusting that God has a plan, that the hardships we're facing are necessary because of changes that are needed. At first, I thought they were just changes in me, because that much seemed obvious. As I continue to grow, I think there are probably changes in my W that need to happen, maybe they are experiences my kids need (i.e. don't give up, marriage is important, vows are forever), or maybe it's something we'll share with someone else years from now that needs it. It's probably all these things honestly. I have stopped trying to explain it and just trust that it's necessary...work on the things I can control, and try to be a better person for me and my kids.
I am a strong believer in things happening for a reason and in trials sometimes being disguised blessings. I have had it happen to me before. Back in 2000 I lost my job because I had a supervisor that didn't like me and got me fired. That was in August and I was pretty bummed even though I found another job in just a couple of weeks. In October the company that I had worked for announced they were closing the factory I had worked at and were laying everyone off just before Christmas. When that happened I realized that being fired when I was had really been a blessing because I had been able to get a new job before all the other workers flooded the job market and made it that much harder to get a job at that time.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Okay, so this is probably a dumb question but once you go NC how long do you stay that way? I was reading a book that basically said that you go NC for a month and then you invite them to have lunch or something simple with you. However I have seen other places where it says that you go NC until they contact you. I am still waiting to get money to get copies of DR and DB so I am not sure what they have to say. Since we have kids and I see her when she drops them off and picks them up I know I can't go completely dark, so how do I handle that? What do I talk to her about when I see her? How do I tell if it is working? These are all questions that I have been struggling with.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
One of the things that continues to trouble me is the fact that she is unable to talk about the divorce at all. She either asks why we have to talk about it at all or she breaks down emotionally and tells me that she can't talk about it because when she does she feels like she is dying inside. I just don't understand why she insists on going forward with the D if she is that conflicted about it.
I could talk to her. She knows it's wrong and has guilt, and believes if she moves forward and "forgets about it", that it wont hurt. It hurts even more!
I learned the hard way and can explain to someone going through the same tunnel. She won't feel good about herself, for lying to herself in this situation. She feels intense feelings about the affair, and coming home is going to cause her pain, guilt and remorse.
However what she doesn't know is this pain, guilt and remorse is alot less than what's going to happen if she moves forward. Perhaps she can talk to someone who has been in the same position.
If she knows for a fact that she's going to be ok coming home, that it's actually les pain, less bad feelings once she works on it . Also that she's going to feel those bad feelings, but the reward is she's going to feel a WHOLE BUNCH BETTER if she just comes home and gets over it.
