Okay, so I am new here and I am not entirely sure how things work. So I guess I will just go ahead and tell my story and see how things go from there.
About three weeks ago my wife kicked me out and filed for divorce. I was blindsided by this because I knew we had our problems but I never realized that things were that bad. The last three years have been particularly rough for us because I lost my job and have been attending school in another state while she stayed home to work and take care of our five kids.
The reasons that she gave me for wanting the divorce is that I scare her when I get angry, she doesn't trust me anymore, and she is ready to move on. I admit that I have struggled with my anger since I lost my job. My entire self worth was tied up in my job and being a provider for my family. Even going back to school to get a law degree did not help because that actually drove home just how helpless I was to be a provider for them. But I have never raised a hand to my wife or any of our children in anger and so I felt that what I was doing did notaffect them. I was wrong.
The trust issue is tied up in two different things. First is that I have had an issue with telling lies when I was afraid that telling the truth would anger someone. That evolved as a defense mechanism when I was a kid growing up in an abusive household. I knew that if mom and dad got angry that meant that I got hurt so I would lie to them to avoid being abused. Although my wife was never abusive to me, once you develop a pattern of behavior like that it is hard to get out of.
The second is that I have struggled off and on with an addiction to pornography since I was 18. I will not get into all the details of how it started but it is something that I have struggled with and have found to be very difficult to overcome. When I finally confessed it to my wife she was heartbroken, and she has every right to be. I am ashamed of what I have done and I wish that I could take it back.
I really want to save my marriage, but I don't know how. I have arranged for counselling but my wife won`t come with me so I just go on my own and the therapist and I work on my issues. I have broken just about every one of Sandi2's 37 rules at least a half dozen times trying to get her to work on things and try and come to some reconciliation. At first she was open to the idea but as the weeks go by she has become increasingly closed off. I could really use help and an outside perspective on what I should do. Please, anything you can do to help me is greatly appreciated.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Well 1st thing is stop breaking all of the 37 rules. If you are going to make changes then start making them for YOU not to win her back.
Get out and GAL. DETACH. Believe none of what she says and half of what she does. Have NO EXPECTATIONS. Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
You are on moderation right now on the forum. SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
hello NADCARDaddy. It seems like we are both on timetables here. I just convinced my wife to postpone our D for a little longer. I hope it works out for both you and me.
Actually the State of UT has given me the 90 days, not my W. One of the really smart things are state legislature did was to recently change the law so that after the response period there is a 90 day waiting period before the court will even look at a divorce petition.
I am not sure how to detach. That is one of the reasons I came here looking for advice. My pastor and my therapist have both told me basically the same thing as far as detaching but I am not sure how to.
GAL is also some thing that is very difficult for me right now. Being unemployed has made things harder because I do not even have that to take my mind off of things.
I know that she is not sure about the whole thing, even though she is working hard to convince herself and everyone else that she is at peace with her decision. When I try to talk to her and get specifics about why she feels the way that she does she breaks down emotionally and tells me that she doesn't want to talk about it and that she is dying inside. My therapist has said that this is a good sign because he believes that it means that she is still questioning things.
The other thing that my therapist pointed out is that she is actually trying to give me feedback even if it doesn't seem that way. Every time that she tells me that she can't give me a chance because she can't trust that I will make her and our kids feel safe, or that she can't trust that I will not look at pornography anymore, etc., she is actually telling me what changes she wants me to make and what she needs to see in order for her to want to take me back. I am just not sure how to demonstrate these changes considering we are separated and I see her for maybe 20 minutes a day two or three times a week.
I do have one question that is related to board operations and not to my situation. Is there any way that I can set it up to receive e-mail notification when there are new posts in threads that I am following?
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
Dont have much for you, but I was at a 60 day time table a year ago. We ended up postponing the divorce, and a year later we are working on the marriage still. Don't worry too much about the timeline, there's been plenty of 11th hour miracles around here, even some post divorce recoveries. What's more important is maintaining your composure, and your sanity.
Now I'm pretty big on the whole empowerment part, especially helping guys regain their sense of control in their lives. Just in case your wondering what my angle is.
For now my best recommendation is to be the best man you can be. Are you working out? Any hobbies to keep you busy? I hope you haven't let your personal appearance go to crap; still dress well?
I know the whole job part is hard, but the ability to provide stability is pretty key IMHO.
As for the anger, you have taken responsibility for it. Good, now it's time to show your W.
Show NOT tell. In these situations it's best to Show your W your actions not tell her. Let's just say you are a sloppy dresser, don't tell her your changing your wardrobe just buy the stuff and wear it. Don't even bring attention to it, let her comment on it not you.
This should be your basic philosophy.
Be the man you want to be, let people know through your actions, and actions alone.
I have started walking to lose weight, but I have never really been one to workout. As far as hobbies go, I really don't have any. I used to play paintball but there is nobody around here that plays anymore so I haven't been out to play in a couple of years. Mostly I just enjoy curling up with a good book. I still dress as well as I did before we separated, and I have actually been taking more care of my personal appearance than I did prior to separation.
As far as the job front goes, I had an interview with a place run by my church today and I am on the top of their list for job assistance. However, that will still take a month or two before a position opens up and then they only provide employment for six months.
As for showing her about my anger, I'm not sure how to do that. I only see her for about 20 minutes a day and that is only for one or two days a week right now. Beyond the ride between her work and my brother's apartment twice a day she will not spend any time with me at all.
Right now I am not really sure what direction things are going to take. I pray quite often that she will soften her heart and give us another chance. Meanwhile, she is telling me that I have destroyed our family, which is hard for me to hear even if she doesn't mean it, because I feel like I am the one working to preserve our family.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
There are really two issues that I am struggling with how to deal with. The first is that over the last two weeks she has taken to accusing me of only seeing her as a sex object. I am not entirely sure where this accusation is coming from. she was my first(yes I am a little embarrassed to admit that I was a virgin at age 24) and even then she was the one who initiated intimacy in our relationship. She has said that it is because of my problems with pornography, but I feel like there could be more to it than that. She has admitted that she was with another guy before we were married and he basically just used her and then dumped her. She has also hinted at having been molested by a cousin when she was younger but she has never said anything directly regarding that. I am not sure what I can do to prove it to her but I have never regarded her as such.
The other issue is that while I am watching the kids I try and do service projects around the house for her. This is because after reading "The Five Love Languages" and taking a quiz that our therapist assigned us I figured out that her love language is acts of service. I have been trying to show her that I love her in non-verbal ways and that I appreciate everything she does for our family. I don't expect that she would change her attitude overnight, but I do wish she would recognize that I am trying to do things to make amends. Struggling with feeling of being unappreciated is one of the things on my side of the marriage that led to problems to begin with.
M 39, W 34 M 15 S 14, S 12, S 9, D 7, D 6 Separated: 7/2/2012 Served: 7/10/2012 Divorced 11/5/2012
"The first is that over the last two weeks she has taken to accusing me of only seeing her as a sex object."
She's relating this to your porn addiction. She thinks that because you watch porn, that's the way you see her as an object. Women don't believe that men can separate the two sometimes. That's why she's equating you with her former abusive partners.
In that case, you have to put your foot down to tell her that you are not like the abusive men in her past and that while you did view porn, you respect her and the addiction has nothing to do with anything she's done.
"but I do wish she would recognize that I am trying to do things to make amends."
Ain't going to happen. Or at least any time soon. Do the things because you want to do them with no expectations of anything in return.
"Struggling with feeling of being unappreciated is one of the things on my side of the marriage that led to problems to begin with."
That's why you GAL to get the feeling of being appreciated back beause your W isn't giving it to y0ou right now.
How old are you and your W now?
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
