A week ago my W was yelling at me because I didn't throw out a leftover in the refrigerator quickly enough for her. I started to go over to get it, and then I stopped. She continued to yell. I stared at the food item, refusing to go any further. She got it herself.
I think one of the upcoming tests will be around finances and her working. Her part-time job will end around Labor Day. Her sister, who is going thru a D, is not in a position to pay her anymore to prepare family meals for them. This job served as a buffer when my W lost her other job about two years ago. It's allowed her to take some time off from the world of work, but now I think she uses it to avoid finding another position. The job accounts for about 1/3 of our income, so it will need to be replaced. I'm hoping she will be eligible for unemployment benefits.
I haven't said anything about it yet to her. I was hoping she would take the initiative and begin looking for work, but that hasn't happened. In my opinion another part-time job would be in her best interests. I think she needs more structure in her life. She stays up all night, and spends the day sleeping. Her main activities are with me when I get home from work and on the weekends. She gets a visit from her mother weekly.
I'm feeling a need to influence the situation and push her to do something, but my guess that is not the best approach.
CL
And you are probably right.
So--Options:
1) Talking = Power Packaging = discerning what is important TO HER. What things influence her?
---Will ' Calling her on her Crap', as Starsky suggests...be effective (shock value, because you don't do this) OR will it be a cheeseless tunnel/aka, more of the same?
2)DO Something different: what can you DO or STOP DOING that would influence her to find some full or part-time work?
I'm not suggesting that CL do this for "shock value." I'm doing it because:
a) it represents a "180" from his normally passive "just-grin-and-bear-it" ways; and
b) it's proven effective with his wife in the past. She responds positively to him each time he is firmer with her and doesn't let her walk all over it.
Did you read his backstory? Those of us who have been with CL from the beginning have been trying to encourage him to be more leading with his wife.
2)DO Something different: what can you DO or STOP DOING that would influence her to find some full or part-time work?
***
What are YOUR thoughts?
I think I need to take the lead as suggested. If I wait for my W to take the initiative to look for work, I'll be waiting for weeks or months. I can start looking for jobs for her, and when I find a good lead, let her know. I will then encourage her to apply for it. The idea is to get some movement towards finding a job, with me taking the initial steps. This has worked in the past. Her sister has taken on the role of looking for work for her, but is not in a position at this time to help her. I'll need to step up.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I haven't had time to look for ads for my W. I'll probably have more time once her part-time job ends. I'm not going to openly fret about it. I'll have faith that she will find a position that she enjoys, and that financial issues will be resolved. I will need to take the lead and be the spark that gets her started looking. I'll get to it when I can.
I came home from work on the day of our anniversary, and asked her if she wanted to go to our favorite Italian restaurant, that we get to maybe 1-2 times per year. I ordered Filet Mignon and my W had some seafood dish. She buzzed about the meal for days.
She keeps percolating ideas about a beach vacation. I told her about my concerns about taking a vacation, when she's going to be unemployed in six weeks. She keeps talking about it, so she must really need one. We'll keep this one shorter than our usual 10-day Puerto Rico trip, and maybe end up in Florida for a week. I said my piece, and don't have any better ideas, so will compromise on the length and destination of the vacation, and hold off a longer trip for the winter.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
I'm letting my W percolate ideas about a vacation. We haven't had one in eight months. My preference would be to wait until she's employed. It's not worth drawing swords over. I'll put my energy into keeping it manageable--destination, flights, boarding, length of stay.
She shared with me her difficulties with anxiety, and her history with agoraphobia. I think the ending of her part-time cooking job will force her to venture into the world again. She'll procrastinate about job-hunting. I'll need to take the lead and put some structure into job-hunting for her. She should be eligilbe for unemployment benefits.
I'm learning to be more flexible with her imperfections, and less judgmental about them. I'm learning to "loosen my grip" about needing to be in control of her. I'm letting her have her moods and am not being reactive to every comment she makes. Many times she speaks emotionally, with little thought. We continue to get along for the most part.
We continue to be out in the world as a couple. People at our dance studio, and at our Friday night dance venues are incorporating us into their groups. We are making connections individually, and as a couple. The potential for friendships is growing. It helps to be with other couples, as one can see that we all struggle with similar conflicts. I have been attending church for seven months, and read religion and theology daily.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
The vacstion plans are falling into place. My W found us a condo on the beach in Puerto Rico. She has been percolating ideas about what to do there. My needs have been met as far as keeping the trip affordable. She would rather go someplace entirely new, but I think she can get her need for new expereiences met on this trip.
She's making no progress with the job hunting. Her part-time job ends around Labor Day. I don't have the energy to be in charge of her job-hunting at this time. I'll let her procrastinate and begin helping once the job ends. We'll have to deal with whatever financial circumstances arise.
We had dinner with an older couple from our studio. My W likes them a lot. She likes people who are genuine. It is helpful to hear that couples struggle in similar ways. We also met a couple at our Friday dance, who have considerable dance experience, and look forward to exchanging partners, and adding them to our dance social network.
I stuck around for the potluck at church last week. I've been attending this church since the beginning of the year. I sat by myself at a table, and a young adult came over to introduce himself. We discovered that he's studying to be in a profession similar to what I'm in.
The connection in both our lives is increasing thanks to the effort we put into it. It makes being together so much easier, and may shorten the leap back into intimacy. At this point physical intimacy is still something I think about, but still perceive it as threatening and risky.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
The connection in both our lives is increasing thanks to the effort we put into it. It makes being together so much easier, and may shorten the leap back into intimacy. At this point physical intimacy is still something I think about, but still perceive it as threatening and risky.
I understand, CL. And I am by no means an expert in the sex department myself, being in a long-term SSM as I have been. However, unlike my wife, I do sense that yours does crave more initimacy, and I'd just like you to considering something as you go forward:
Taking TOO long to rebuild this part of your relationship ALSO is "risky." In fact, I think it's more risky than trying to do it now, considering your two's history.
Taking TOO long to rebuild this part of your relationship ALSO is "risky." In fact, I think it's more risky than trying to do it now, considering your two's history.
Starsky [/quote]
Starsky,
I don't have faith yet that physical intimacy can be attained. I have faith that the R can manage the social aspects of being a couple, and develop friendships. This prompts me to continue to invest in the M. I'm getting used to being a couple in a dance community. This involves people getting to know us well. We've never been part of a community that we both valued, as individuals, and as a couple. This is new territory for us. When our M wasn't going well, we weren't out in the world as a couple very much, and developed R's on an individual basis to compensate.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
My W and I have been in Puerto Rico since Saturday.This trip is going better than our past ones. I think it's because it's planned to meet both our needs. We're staying in a condo on the beach, in a bustling neighborhood. We're 10-15 minutes from a calm beach. We're across the street from a hotel that plays live music almost every night. We're a short drive from downtown. She's been in a good mood most of the trip. The building is filled with fellow travelers. We were up late last night talking to a friendly fellow from New York City.
We took some risk coming here during hurricane season, but have had two good consecutive beach days, and should get one or two more. There is a tropical storm headed our way, so we'll have to adapt. The only problem so far has been cutting it too close to making our flight.
She massaged my neck last night.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
