Hi Zig, maybe try thinking through to answer your own questions as if you were sg, and write that, and then when sg can make it back here there is more to react to and share feedback on.
You can learn from the vets by trying to think like them if you can.
Not as a vet but as a fellow db'er trying to learn how to work toward goals, I would suggest that your list is extensive. How about pick your top three or so, or the easiest ones to start, so you can build up your sense of accomplishment. Make them concrete and make them things actually within your control (try revising the one about H inviting you to his studio.)
I love your personal goals. Curious how you plan to have more positive interactions with your brother.
If you have a goal that's taking a while like the clutter in the garage or planning a trip, you might try breaking it into smaller ones like for example this week I plan to pick a date in the future to spend a x-hour block of time on the garage. Or, this week I'll list the top three things in the garage that make it look cluttered and deal with at least those three. Baby steps!
With H, it's good to have the goals written down and be thinking about them, even if you forget in the moment you're still building the skills. How do you think you could listen to H better?
How have you been doing on your goals so far? Celebrate what you achieve, and even celebrate that you wrote the goals down! You're doing great!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
could you make a goal to spend 1-2 hours looking at local jobs within the next week or so?
OR
could you make a plan to get your own business going? say, meet with someone to get some advice? like a local women in business group or something? (or look online?) (if it wasn't already clear - i don't know squat about starting a business.) what do you need to get it running?
just some thoughts since this thread was at the top when i logged in
oh vera - so lovely of you to answer. i really appreciate it so much.
as soon as i read your post last night, i got on line an distorted looking at what jobs were available here.
it was horrendous!! but it was a good reminder - to make me think of how i would like to see my life, in terms of what work i would like to do. it woke me up once again to the fact that I was better off for now pursuing what i really enjoy and trying to make that work , instead of rushing off to be a barista at starbucks!!
so today - i have started to think about applying to craft shows, calling my friend who has an art boutique in SF, and beginning to think along the lines i used to before the accident. how to find venues for selling my work.
I think I'm going to have a sale out of my house in august - sort of an "open house" day where people can drop in and buy or at least see what there is available. i know a woman who did that here fro 3 or 4 years and sold quite a lot (kids clothes) and I thought maybe I could do the same as a start for local business.
I know that the real reason why i I have not pursued this more determinedly is that something is holding me back emotionally. I'm trying to work through that at the same time, so am hoping that when those reasons or beliefs are uncovered they can fade away and I will be strong and determined about this. I know I am physically capable , but emotionally - there is something askew..
just your replying an suggesting a couple of things, has helped me push myself a bit more.
maybe the feeling of things being so up in the air in my life, also affects my work and i feel reluctant in some way to take definitive steps in that area. I keep making that conscious decision , while at the same time not living it on an everyday level
thank-you zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
ps. i also wanted to say that watching the way you have gone about your goal of keeping your house - it has really taught me a lot on how i could stand up for things that i want and how to calmly and determinedly go about it.
i guess i'm still in a place that i'm not sure what i want when it comes to the picture of my life for the future. i had that pic so very clear, until the day of the accident. in fact- it was so clear that it overrode all other parts of my life. i feel a bit lost without that part of me. it's been replaced by a hazy foggy cloud of uncertainty for 6 yrs now, and taking steps in that fog has been very difficult.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
well, i may have found some work - as in a small job doing some production knitting for a company - thinking of it as bread and butter work to bring some money in while i continue establishing the shawls side.
nothings definite yet, but it looks very promising - so i am really pleased.
interesting emotional response to it. at first it sort of got me all excited and my mind immediately started to see all the other ways i could earn money, and i realized that i felt much more comfortable trying to make money doing several different things rather than just focusing on only the shawls. that was a revelation, and suddenly the unease of whatever was holding me back lifted. i think i was concerned that only depending on that was too much pressure.
after that i got really nervous and shaky - so i called my friend and she help due, saying that it was just taking another step into the unknown, and that it was ok. i swear - the way she talks - i think she's a DB vet - i'm so lucky to have her in my life. and to think that 2 and 3 yrs ago when i first met her, i really didn't care for her all that much.
then later in the evening i just started to feel really confident about it all - whether it works out or not, suddenly i feel that well, if that opportunity comes up, other ones can too.
i think i'm losing that fear of not finding work and being able to support myself. so MUCH peace from that, all of a sudden
i also see what i wrote above as what i could do in my sitch and change things around for me. i don't need to focus on my r with h as the only alternative, that i can allow other possibilities also.
i've gone to bed much earlier the last couple of night. obviously not so good tonight!! but it's ok - i've done some good reading.
made another dent in the clutter today, so that was very encouraging - am slowly going through different areas of the house - getting rid of my old life and self...
the yoga isn't going well - maybe it's like the work thing - something holding me back, and when i'm ready for it, it will just come...
starting to see how that approach can really work for me - not so much self-pressure as i used to do, but more of a gentle non-self-critical approach
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I'm glad you've solicited some extra help. I did check in about around the 16th and started to respond, and the notes about your 'turtles' got me curious and I started looking those up.
Then something huge fell apart at work, and I've been distracted by that -- travelling, etc.
Like me (and everyone probably) you have lots of 'pieces' that you work on. The relationship, your work, your friendships, yoga, etc. So your focus changes. Keep your focus on the things that are most important to you.
I will read through your thread, especially the most recent pieces.
I have experience especially years ago with meeting other DBers in person. I went to the KLA seminar with another DBer, and later met up with some.
There are good reasons why personal contact through this board is not encouraged. Some of it simply that this place is meant to be temporary. While some folks stay after their initial DBing...hopefully with success, most folks leave after not needing it. That's the way it's supposed to be. Staying connected often reminds people of terrible times. Or one of the two is often negative and holding the other back. Of course there are lots more scenarios than that.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
I read through the thread you linked and the most recent thread.
You are on the right path that you set with Joann. There are LOTS of philosophies on the board, and they are not all DB philosophies. The friend, welcoming, open strategy DOES work and it works very often. You have to see if it works for you.
And whatever strategy you choose, you have to press on and not flip flop. I don't see your actions flip flopping, but sometimes the words are...you question yourself. That's ok.
Revise your goals/actions. See how they match TO DATE.
He's having dinner with you...check.
I think right now you should look at....if you and he were building your love again...how would you know? What would be the very next step? What would he be doing?
That's your next relationship goal.
****
The other thing I want to say is that when other well meaning folks give advice about setting boundaries, and what things SHOULD be happening, and theyve seen this work and that work.....they often have done plenty of OTHER things themselves, in their heartfelt warm interactions with their spouses...and you aren't hearing about THAT. WHAT did they do to warm up?
**** At the end of the day, YOUR OWN
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
sg - so nice to hear from you. and of course, life gets in the way often.
about your comments on meeting other db'ers - was that because we talked about getting together someday to celebrate? i wasn't sure if i wrote something specific about it that you brought it up?
Keep your focus on the things that are most important to you.
yes, i've recently realized that i have too many things and feel overwhelmed by trying to be better at then all at the same time. so i need to make a new list and scale down so that i really focus on 2 or 3 things, as adinva suggested so i feel a sense of accomplishment more easily
I don't see your actions flip flopping, but sometimes the words are...you question yourself. That's ok.
I know, I see that too, and i recognize the old pattern within myself. when i feel encouraged i stay with a very PMA, when i get discouraged or things don't seem to be going well in the moment, then old resentments rise and i find myself thinking very negatively not only about the past but also about the future with h.
But i'm leased to say that in the last few days working on forgiveness and letting go - both of the past and of the future outcome, i am becoming much much more consistent in not boomeranging around as i used to. when things go not so well, i find myself starting to get discouraged but almost immediately just letting it go and seeing it as part of the whole WAS picture and saying don't read this incident as a prediction of the worst.
I think right now you should look at....if you and he were building your love again...how would you know? What would be the very next step? What would he be doing?
This ^^^ is where i get really stuck - and could really use your help.
I find myself sort of giving up - on one level - he's said a month ago he was going to file, and when i try to think about what building our love might look like - all i see is him fighting like hell within his mind to not turn towards me again.
he told me months ago 'i'm in love with you, but i am going to fight those feelings as hard as i can till they go away"
i know what you are telling me is to envision what it would look and feel like for him to turn towards me again. i think i know - but am to afraid to imagine it, for some reason right now -
maybe the problem is that i am trying to do both - let go and detach but also try to do what Joann says to do. my dilemma is how can i do both at the same time?
can you help me to refine the stance i should take?
Revise your goals/actions. See how they match TO DATE.
yes i will do that
he just came back from his trip with ow yesterday - i guess i'm waiting to see where he's at, before setting new goals?
he did come over with s today - and both ends of the spectrum in his conversation - half of it was clearly implying one thing, half was the other. when we talked about my work etc it was like you should do this and this so you're prepared to file singly next year on your taxed. when it cam ego looking at some money stuff - we this, we that.
then the looks - trying to stay physically away - but constant appraising glances and "checking" me out as if he couldn't keep his eyes off me.
so i feel very confused - about how much to flirt etc.
i did have a very positive interaction with him the entire time - and i know he felt a bit confused and uncomfortable. we had a "peach" moment - he loves peaches - never seen anyone who loves peaches that much. i called him and s into the kitchen just before they left and all 3 of us ate the most perfect peaches together. i could see the confusion in his eyes - here i was offering him his most favorite thing and it was hard for him to truly enjoy it. it wasn't something i had preplanned in anyway - it just happened.
i'm not sure how he's going to be - he usually has been a bit withdrawn after his meetings with her and more determined - so will have to see where he's at and then decide .
i will make a new revised set of goals now, over the next couple of days. at least for now, i think it's better for me to focus on myself more than on the sitch
thanks sg - so glad you are on my side. if we could talk a bit more on the details of the position i'm taking, i think it could help me to define where i am. the confusion and unease come from not always knowing the parameters within which i should be working
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
