Did your husband communicate any legitimate marital complaints to you during those 5 years, and you didn't listen? Or did he bring this up recently, as justification/rationale for his affair? Or neither (you're just pointing out how he stood by you, and now you want to stand by him) ???
Hey Zig, glad you are working through the challenges of the past with a new perspective. It can't be easy but you appear to be going at it in a way that will continue your healing. That takes guts & character! Modeling that for your family is a blessing. Of course they will have to make their own decisions and their own journey of healing but it certainly is a tremendous help when there is someone who can light the way!
Me:45, W:45 S:16 D:13 M:22, T:25 Bomb: July 2010 Putting finances in order for "D" Continue to live in same home-separate rooms
no - he was the silent one - would NOT admit to feeling anything.
let's put it this way - his stock answer was "you're the one that's f'ed up, not me i'm fine" - before and after the accident. and his other stock answer - "I don't know"
at and after BD - he would only refer to the first 5 yrs as the source of our problems - and anything i brought up after the accident - he adamantly insisted that it was only the first 5 yrs - he was in total denial about his own role as well as acknowledging in any way that he didn't want to continue to live with me the way i was - that it was too much for him
his list of grievances was so long, it took over 2 months for them all to come out. and we talked for hours a day. he was riddled with guilt for leaving me when i was down. and now,when i'm not - well he's using that to justify that see, you got better after i left.
those thing really bothered me - now i'm letting them go and seeing it for what it was - just another human being struggling with their own stuff, as i struggle with mine. except mine is not such a struggle anymore. i relish the emotional releases when they come because now i know that they are part of my healing
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Of course they will have to make their own decisions and their own journey of healing but it certainly is a tremendous help when there is someone who can light the way!
thanks ces - yes , in this area - i really feel that my own healing can help a lot towards healing what they went through. i like the way you put it - light the way.
i want to be the lighthouse at the edge of a large large lake where my s and h are floating - a little lost, but they know i'm here. s's boat is a little closer, i think and that makes all this worth it.
i think the sun is coming out - in ways i didn't imagine:)
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i thought I was the one who was supposed to be confused
sorry , confused about what?
i guess when i said "hacking through all this" - it's coming from a place where i'm recognizing now that all that explaining and describing what happened is about the focusing on what he did wrong and justifying to myself on some level - see , i'm right.
the simple fact (brutal reality) is that he has left and keeps choosing to do what he's doing and it's time for me to let it all go, and get on with my own stuff.
all kinds of [censored] happened. otoh - i'm still continually owning my part and finding new perspectives on how to change my attitude towards what and how he did things. to drop all the resentments and guilt and blame
i don't even know if i'm on the right track in all this. whether i'm still in the old role of taking it all on myself and taking all the blame for it. i don't think i am - something has shifted in me in the last few days, and for the first time, i am finding myself agreeing with you on one thing you said - mlc or no mlc - this is what he has done, and is intentionally continuing to do. i can choose to be angry and "fight " to change his mind, or i can go somewhere else and let it go.
recently he told my closest friend how he was going through an mlc. i think he did it intentionally - he knows we are very close. i think he is starting to pass that "info" around so that people will excuse his behavior. "please don't think badly of me, i'm in crisis"
well, most people who are in crisis, don't know that they are. ones who acknowledge it openly and then STILL continue and don't take any steps to help themselves - i have to wrap my mind around that somehow and i'm not quite able to right now. that's when it's time to just simply step away i think. (hmm, that must be what detachment is, grin)
i still want to continue db'ing, but it's from a different place within me - one that is getting more and more ok with the alternative.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i thought I was the one who was supposed to be confused
sorry , confused about what?
I thought you wanted me -- us -- to continue to ask you the tough questions, but then you seemed upset to be having to answer them.
It's just that I don't know your entire backstory, and since you were clearly using whatever it was that you had "put your husband thru" for "5-10 years" as part of your rationale about how patient you should be with him and his current infidelity, I was trying to better understand just what it was that you "did to him."
