hi starsky - funny you said that - i've always felt that my thread has been busy, but maybe you are right it's busier now.
yes mil and fil know - right from the beginning. mil and i are and have been really really close and she has been one of my staunchest supports for years and especially after BD. i don't think h will ever find out what she and i have been through in the last 11 months together
funny you asked that today. recently i have felt that everyone in our lives have given up hope including them and have felt quite the lonely warrior here on my own. but tonight - she told me that she has not given up hope at all and prays for us constantly.
well - she prayed for me for 5 years and her prayers came through - she has powerful prayers for sure, if that happened (grin)
i turned my mojo off for the day today - to deal with some really heavy stuff that came up for me, but i see now that it's turned itself on again and i'm getting back in the groove
hope you're well
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i agree with you and happy to hear that you are doing the same with your in-laws. my h too is not very comfortable with it, at least i don't think - but still insists on us doing things together w/ the family.
thanks for the lovely things you say - i don't know if i am really doing that - but if that's the effect, i'm delighted.
hope you are well zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
I think it does Brit - it carried me through a wreck of a day today.
that's why i stayed off the boards - just needed to get through all this crap that came up from some nether underworld inside myself
triggered by star sky no less!!!
but i'm in a good place now - am finding out more and more that as i let go and turn my focus towards myself, it allows this stuff to come up and out. at first i would balk at having to deal with it, but now i find that i am not spinning off.
i actually thought to myself today for the first time - i think i'm actually staying still, staying completely in the moment - just where i am with all of what is going on and not trying to be somewhere else - like in the past or the future, the why or the what, the who or the where...
i think i actually lived my tag line today for the first time.
so even though a lot of pain and anguish, there was a lot of peace in realizing that yes this is where i'm at and later i simply won't be in this same place again.
right now, h feels very far away in my mind in some ways .... which is at it should be....
in my mediation tape it says at one point: You are right where you should be
yes i am
right where I should be....
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
whenever i get through something big, i have a bit of a letdown after..wonder if that was true for you after yesterday? i have found it a good time to regroup, remind myself of my growth and that this is not a quick journey, read pema or jack kornfield and plan something to take care of myself..
actually i wish pema could come live with me.. listening to her in my car makes me feel so calm.. i just feel like i can slow down and handle anything, moment by moment... love that feeling.
((((zig)))) i am so glad this journey has given me you... you help me think wiser
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
and you make my heart swell with emotion - i've just been reading some of your posts to the others on the board. ng - you are so full of compassion and empathy - and you say the most beautiful things to make people feel better. I feel better reading what you wrote to them
hot damn - we are all so f'ing loverly!! our WAS's are bloody insane!!
we are definitely now persons who only a fool would leave.
if pema's coming to live with you, i'm coming too - you can't have her all to yourself , you know!! i agree though - pema's in my car too -she's been there for months, s listens sometimes and i think her soothing voice calms him down also
i didn't have a letdown after yesterday - i assume you're referring to the anniversary? it was strange - at some level i spent the day really facing the brutal reality of my sitch in a very calm way and also accepting on a much much deeper level that my marriage was over. i hadn't reached that depth before.
when i woke up this morning i thought i felt really fine, but then began to notice that i was a bit edgy. at first i wondered if it was about yesterday, but realized it really wasn't and then i was like, oh [censored] here we go again - next wave of inner crap about to emerge (grin).
i still didn't get what it was about. i sat down to reply to starsky who had asked me a few days ago what happened during the five years. i never did post that - i wrote so much and then suddenly stopped and all this new insight and realizations and anguish came up and i just had to let it flow through me and out.
pema says everything comes into your sacred circle to teach you something. when starsky started that conversation, that's what came to my mind and i had to wait until now to get ti. i'm not sure what the teaching is yet- it has to do with letting go of resentments. i learned for myself today that something i had really resented h deeply for - i saw in a completely new light and it helped me to let it go.
i also resolved another layer of the hurt and anguish from the sexual abuse - that was huge. months ago in march i thought i had dealt with most of it, but as i remove the layers one by one, it seems as if there is another waiting. but soon, i feel i will have got through to the deepest part of it and be able to fully let it go.
the anguish - is strange - it's not the anguish of it having happened - it's the anguish of realizing how my psyche took it on, what interpretations of life and beliefs it caused me to form and how impeding those were to myself and to all the people that have loved and known me all my life.
i have begun to see a pattern here -each time i let go that tiny bit more of h, there is a little space created, i think, which allows me to deal with some part of myself. and each time i deal with a little part, i get that tiny extra fragment of peace to go with it, and remove a tiny fragment of fear. so it's like rebuilding the jigsaw puzzle that is oneself - each piece you remove, you replace with a new one until when it is all done, there is a completely different self in place.
that was probably a lot more answer than you were expecting - obviously my talking mojo is back in action once again. whew - the last couple of days was afraid i was getting downright reticent
(((((((ng))))))) okay pass me a shot will you - i need a break from all this emotional crap
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
it was your question of what happened those 5 yrs. i actually sat down to write about it to you - and that post was seriously long. and then suddenly it triggered off a lot of insight and stuff just started coming up that i hadn't been able to deal with before - and i could see it all in a different light.
so i meant triggered by your question. if i hadn't sat down to write i wouldn't have been able to get to the core of one of the troublesome things that was really holding me back in terms of resentment toward h.
i don't know yet how to write about those 5 yrs yet. the "old"version is somewhere back in my threads, and maybe should just stay there.
in short, i had a car accident from which i didn't heal as expected, and things got really bad, and h seemed to stand by me during that time. the strain on them was huge - massive, and that's why i think that it triggered off h's crisis. i also had a second accident during the 4th yr which didn't help. suffice it to say - none of us should have had to endure what we did, but we did. now i try to see this time as one of healing for all of us. I want my boys and me to heal completely - and i know that i can lead in that, because that's where i am right now.
i am sure that my healing, can somehow heal theirs... at least in this area.
and for me that's a huge motivation to heal!!
so keep those "innocent" questions coming. they are very useful in ways we can't imagine!!!
hope you have a great day zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
