I definitely am supporting zig (and brit) based on what their coaches have suggested, in combination with what they say they want... their... "adjustment"...
about time you indicated that - I had no idea!!
hey - i admit openly i'm hiding out!! why am i hiding out?
i have no idea
but if this one goes as all the others - something is about to emerge, come to the surface, erupt, whatever...
i'm so exhausted from last nights' eruption that the only thing i could do today was vacuum (mindless) and lay on a raft in the pool in my sexy swimsuit (mindless) !!!
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
starsky - i am following along and i don't know why i have just gone mum!!
considering how much i usually post, i am rather surprised myself.
but i wanted to respond at least to say that i am so glad that all of you, are having this discussion right now.
you asked me if i could ask specific questions. i know i will have questions - but i am not clear yet on what they are. for once i just need to really digest.
i'm at some turning point, but i don't know about what. i think i'm finally getting "staying still" - not about anything external like h or the sitch, but in terms of my mind
thank you zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
The thing is men are such simple creatures that if we can have 2 or 3 or 4 women pursuing us, why would we want to reduce that back down to 1?
I'd hate to think the only reason why men get M is because they don't have 2 or more women pursuing them...
There are a lot of men who choose not to be enticed by a seductress or a late night, drug induced flirtation...
Right, they are operating within appropriate relationship boundaries.
People engaged in affairs are not.
That's exactly why I see it as a dangerous and counterproductive idea (IMO) for Brit and Zig to "go there."
To use the addict analogy, it's a little like Brit and Zig bringing better and free drugs to the party, hoping to steal their binging WAS from the dealer at the other crack house. Seems like it may violate core boundaries of they want to be treated in and interact with others in committed relationships. It also conveys an odd message to spouse "If you cheat on me, I'll reward you by chasing you down and give you an even better time!"
Brit and Zig are special and valuable in their own right. You convey your value not by pursuing into the sewers. But, by knowing that you are hot and worthy and you won't have anything to do with the sewers nor do you want to commingle with people in the sewers. They can be hot as hell and desirable getting on with their lives without pursuing their WAS while they are in A mode.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
busto - that's not a very correct analogy about what brit and i are doing.
this idea that we are "seducing " them away is a little one-sided.
when i asked my coach about how to approach that she said - throw a little hint and see if he takes you up on it.
then you make it d@mn d@mn clear that he better understand that this was no strings attached and that he better NOT have any expectations. that i was only doing this because we had good sex together, i hadn't in a bloody long time and needed some, and that's all there was to it.
so this idea that h was getting the goods is backwards.
i was getting the goods!! and i was really clear on it. the next morning, it was h who was seriously messed up - and admitted that it really f'ed him up. i looked him straight in the eye and said - we can't be doing this if you get messed up about it - i thought i made that really clear.
so slightly - or rather VERY different picture from what you guys are trying to portray this is about.
i wanted to add this here, before the discussion gets any further, to ensure that what your stand is against - is not exactly what either brit or me are doing.
i told h earlier. i don't choose to go outside this r to have my sexual needs met. not until a divorce is final. you as my h are the only one who can meet them.
that^^^ was from my IC the week before!!! she said - use it as material to see where you and he are at. i found out where i was at, and h sure did too - but not what either of us expected, i think.
as a warning to anyone reading this and thinking they want to try it - you absolutely cannot do this until you are detached enough. it will mindf^^k you otherwise!!
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
as a warning to anyone reading this and thinking they want to try it - you absolutely cannot do this until you are detached enough. it will mindf^^k you otherwise!!
I do also want to clarify that Brit is being referenced here as well, because both Zig and Brit were offered similar advice by different coaches.
It is my opinion that both Zig and Brit were "deemed" candidates for this type of "do something different" approach. I suspect because of their detachment.
Kinda like, "For use only under doctor's prescription and supervision".
I certainly hope that I did not come across as suggesting that this approach was for just anyone. Not my intention. And I think the conversation may have lead into a direction that really got away from what Zig was doing based on a conversation with a coach and then her simple post of suggesting that she should pat her H on the rump as we left the door to be with OW.
I definitely am supporting zig (and brit) based on what their coaches have suggested, in combination with what they say they want... their... "adjustment"...
about time you indicated that - I had no idea!!
doh...
Well, consider you have now received the memo...
Originally Posted By: zig
i'm so exhausted from last nights' eruption that the only thing i could do today was vacuum (mindless) and lay on a raft in the pool in my sexy swimsuit (mindless) !!!
wouldn't it be great if MWD or one of the DB coaches would pop in on this thread and give some thoughts on the discussion?? does that ever happen?
During this type of discussion or when something gets flagged, without a doubt it gets back to the mother ship. Often, at best there may be a reference posted by one of the mods which may suggest that the only DB experts are MWD and the coaches.
Not sure if this discussion will rate for one of those posts...
