The thing is men are such simple creatures that if we can have 2 or 3 or 4 women pursuing us, why would we want to reduce that back down to 1?
I'd hate to think the only reason why men get M is because they don't have 2 or more women pursuing them...
There are a lot of men who choose not to be enticed by a seductress or a late night, drug induced flirtation...
Busto, you wrote in NLW's thread about not doing these types of things, including being friends with the WAS as an attempt to win them back.
I agree without a doubt, that is very important.
On one hand, we're not here because we are OK with D. So ultimately, we are here to save our Ms. To "win our spouses back". Even LRT is a tactic, if we accept our spouses back after we move on.
I think that the proof of concept of DB really is those who don't save their Ms, but rather move on with their life in healthy ways.
As much as I used to think it's nutz for people who D, to be friends... now... I'm pretty sure that is, without a doubt, the BEST option...
...when there is active infidelity going on -- especially long-term, remorseless physical affairs (where the betrayed spouse knows, and the cheating spouse KNOWS that they know, yet continues anyway) it's best to go immediately to the LRT or even the after-the-LRT.
I agree.
And once the LBS frees themselves of the emotional attachment and moves on with their life?
I agree that LRT is moving on. Whether or not the LBS verbally expresses that to the WAS or not, I think that's what is at this debate.
My philosophy is, words don't matter. Move on by moving on. Show it. DO IT. The WAS will do what they will, beyond that point.
And moving on is just being genuine. It doesn't mean being flirty in front of the WAS and not in front of others. Nor does it mean being frumpy in general and then being a seductress in front of the WAS.
If I am not M to my W, and she is just some woman on the street like any other, I am going to be who I am, regardless of what she does or how she interprets my behaviour.
IMHO, Brit's a little more advanced in this, in certain ways.
She is moving on and yet has chosen to continue to be friends with her H, regardless. As she mentions above, she will not chase an attached man.
Zig is still in the process of becoming genuine. I think that using her WAS as practice to being genuine and seductive is OK.
I personally think it's OK for her to have sex with her H, so long as protection is used. I think she has proven with her one episode, that she can remain detached even after intimate contact. And if she never does it again, fair enough. She gets to make that choice.
And in the mean time, she moves on.
And if or when her H ever begins to actively and consistently pursue her, she can set the conditions and the boundaries of what he can and can not have.
I just had to bring over something that Bustorama just posted on someone else's thread that just put things so clearly for me re. moving on. Hope it helps anyone else:
"The thing that I think alot of people struggle with and some never really get is that moving on does not mean that you need to be cold, angry, vindictive, shut-off, shrill, an a-hole, bitchy. It's possible to be quite friendly with them, even flirty and sexy with them, even empathetic and listening. The difference is that it's not done with any intention of getting them back, of seducing them or whatever. You are just behaving that way because it is who you are and how you wish to interact with people generally."
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
"The thing that I think alot of people struggle with and some never really get is that moving on does not mean that you need to be cold, angry, vindictive, shut-off, shrill, an a-hole, bitchy. It's possible to be quite friendly with them, even flirty and sexy with them, even empathetic and listening. The difference is that it's not done with any intention of getting them back, of seducing them or whatever. You are just behaving that way because it is who you are and how you wish to interact with people generally."
I guess to do this means the rope is dropped. And fear has been dropped as well.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I think it's important for an LBS in an infidelity situation to truly grok the "I'm already dead" principle.
I think that in Zig and Brit's sitches, they have that understanding.
So there's no M to save. Now... it's just a matter of doing what ever works for them.
To put it in vulgar terms, their H's are just another piece of meat.
I don't see either as being desperate and setting themselves up to be abused. I also see them both struggling with the idea of seducing an attached man. And I see that as positives, in them.
Yet, if they do what they do... really embrace their feminine side... and their Hs are simple creatures... it MAY draw their Hs back to them. That would then be an appropriate time for them to set boundaries with their H's. "IF you want some of dis... then u gotta ditch bimbo..."
KD I hope you can tell the difference between Zig and Brit and their stitches.
Personally if a DB coach said that to me. I would ask them for the papers and studies they read that backs up that claim.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
I sure hope I can tell the difference between Zig and Brit's sitches...
Every once in a while we get "that" post here, indicating that the only experts here are MWD and the coaches.
Suggesting that the coaches should have papers and studies to back up their advice, is like saying that Brit, Zig, and all the others who speak to the coaches have wasted their money. I think that's dangerous ground.
Personally, if coaches are advising this stuff, then I would first suggest trying what the coach is suggesting. And if that doesn't work, try something different.
I definitely am supporting zig (and brit) based on what their coaches have suggested, in combination with what they say they want... their... "adjustment"...
KD I hope you can tell the difference between Zig and Brit and their stitches.
Personally if a DB coach said that to me. I would ask them for the papers and studies they read that backs up that claim.
I've been reading along, and I gotta say this discussion is really great! I'm getting so much out of this!
Chatterbug, one could ask the same of Starksy who has stated on multiple occasions that he has studied hundreds of sitches or Ms. Yes, what he's suggesting worked for his sitch. But in how many of those hundreds did it work? Just a thought.
