I have boundaries in place for me, my kids are adults, I don't have a cheating spouse.
A for as the definition of works, I used it in the context of decision-making throughout the process.
No on is disagreeing with you on the boundaries, it's just you can't decree it and make it so. Forcing someone to set boundaries before they are able to enforce them will be counterproductive in my estimation. That's the process, when the time is right they will do it. For some the time is never right and they never do it.
Life goes on.
And there are many ways to skin the proverbial cat.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
No on is disagreeing with you on the boundaries, it's just you can't decree it and make it so. Forcing someone to set boundaries before they are able to enforce them will be counterproductive in my estimation. That's the process, when the time is right they will do it. For some the time is never right and they never do it.
When others see people unable (or not yet ready) to enforce boundaries, they then advise not to set them.
When I see that, I teach and encourage them to learn how to set and enforce boundaries.
That's just me. I can be a curmudgeon/SOB, but I'd rather exhort and lift them up to a tougher stance, and at least TRY to get them faster results. And no, it's certainly not guaranteed.
Well... I am certainly thinking now. This a great discussion
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
i've been following along since early morning, starsky.
thank you for this discussion - and you are not hijacking one bit. I WANT this discussion - not only for myself but for others too, and I'm more than happy for it to be here on my thread. So go all out, starsky. I think it's time to hack it all out. and yes please - post these challenges - i do want to explore this area.
the reason i haven't posted back yet or replied in anyway is because I need some time here.
last nights' small revelation triggered off some HUGE stuff for me - and i just need time to start breathing again.
about the "it's his path" - those were my words not h's. his words were "i'm not doing this TO you, I'm just doing it" and "this is who i really am, you just didn't realize it" - said in the 2-3 months after BD.
labug and starsky - please continue the dialog you started this morning - there are things that need to be said and i don't think that this is a time for "diplomacy"
as for me, i just want to listen for a bit - i talk too damn much!!
busting -come hijack too. in fact everybody - this has been an underlying tension on this board, probably always - which stand to take, which way to go -and i for one would love a really open honest discussion about it
thank you starsky - and i am really reading what you are writing
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
i didn't know about co-dependency. and aren't we expected to become emotionally enmeshed in our marriages? isn't that what most people do. are you telling me that most marriages that last, the people are not emotionally enmeshed and at any given time can accept that their marriage is over and simply move on?
Popular culture would have us believe that enmeshment is the goal. It may be the norm, but it's not healthy or functional. Yes, there is interdependence. But, those of us who become emotionally enmeshed don't fare well and neither does the R.
It's my observation that the long term really happily married couples have a secret called detachment. The ability to be loving and kind and close without losing your sense of self and your healthy boundaries (which, as Starsky points out, have to do with our own thoughts and actions, and are not attempts to control the other's behavior).
About that picnic, is it too late in the season for rhubarb margaritas?
SD, I would love to try the rhubarb margaritas..bring them on!
I heard a psychologist say once that our M should be like a fruit salad, not a smoothie.. in a fruit salad, the individual fruits retain their uniqueness.
Love this discussion.
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
