Zig, I'd go for the goodbye hug - but you know me (I'm a recidivist pursuer!).
My H went OS for a week recently and I used the occasion to give him a hug and wsth him a good trip.
He responded well.
You never know how they'll react, but you might as well give it a go.
Might give him something to think about while he travels. Wack on your best perfume and sexiest dress, and go in for the nonchalant kiss/hug.
Be your full-on sensual self and be damned!
Trying to catch up on your sitch, Zig. Didn't you say on another thread that he was going off with OW this weekend?? If that's the case, I DEFINITELY wouldn't give him a hug or a kiss or a friendly smack on the butt!!! But I do like the sexy new dress/new cologne/new hairdo idea. Let him wonder all weekend what YOU are up to!!!
thanks starsky - it's not just the weekend - he's going to stay with her for 8 days. she lives several states away - and every month or two he goes down there, and she's been up here a couple of times!!
she was just here a few weeks ago for 10 days - and this is the first time during this sitch that the pace has quickened with their visits - usually it's about 2 or 2 and half months in between each
thanks for looking into my sitch - appreciate any insight you have to offer
hope you're doing well
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig you're my girl but I gotta say you are all over the place about this weekend. A few days ago you were talking about how upsetting it was for you and now you're talking about possibly throwing a party. So one thing comes to mind......
Be Still.
Don't over think this whole thing. You don't know if he's even stopping by and you're thinking of what you should do in order to affect an outcome.
It's not your job to reassure him that you're "okay" with him going to spend 8 days away from his son with his GF.
No pats on the bum, no have a good time. A hug, a warm goodby, and a see you in a week is fine.
Starsky is right let him wonder about you.
I know I advised you to find a way to be happy that he was having a break from the house or whatever but that was to combat any bitterness you might be feeling that would play into your interaction with him. There is a thing as going too far the other way and actually supporting him emotionally in having another relationship.
Keep yourself on solid footing that's the only outcome you need to try to influence dear girl.
i agree with brit and starsky. let him wonder. be cheerful and nice. you dont know if you will see him, so dont work yourself up over it. trying to get a reaction is pursuit. what happens if you dont see him? expectatios can be crippling. look nice today for you. if you see him, great. if not, you will feel good about you. it is amazing what looking nice does for your own self worth. be cool and calm. leave him wondering. be like your sister Xena! lol...
and when i said a party for BD day - that's later in august - and i was really talking about celebrating the start of my "waking up"
i guess i was using flippancy to hide my hurt. yes, i'm hurting - trip to see her, wedding anniversary and 1st year anniversary of starting their affair all in the same week that he's with her - it's just hurting my heart a bit.
"You don't know if he's even stopping by and you're thinking of what you should do in order to affect an outcome. "
actually - i wasn't thinking of the outcome really - i was just trying to "prepare" myself mentally, because i know if he does stop by it will be last minute, with no warning, and i didn't want to be unprepared.
but maybe you're right that on some level there was some of that involved. checking myself
thanks for the 2 x4
i'll work on staying still, but seriously brit - i was mostly goofing around.
on the whole, i am on one level hurting about those dates, and on the other level feeling quite indifferent (maybe it's self-protection?) about him going.
how one can feel both those things at the same time... it's confusing.
flippancy is not the answer - i told that to mac the other day - need to do the same for myself
"There is a thing as going too far the other way and actually supporting him emotionally in having another relationship."
yes - i see that . i'm mixed up about what stand to really take and to find the balance between "don't see that as having any importance whatsoever" as joann advised and what you write above.
this is so difficult to balance - just focus on being friends - well then if i'm being friends - wouldn't it be natural for me to be happy for him?
help me gain some clarity here - this is obviously an opportunity for me to possibly achieve that
thanks so much brit. better for me to admit that this [censored] than to try to hide it under an i don't care attitude...
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
Zig you're my girl but I gotta say you are all over the place about this weekend. A few days ago you were talking about how upsetting it was for you and now you're talking about possibly throwing a party. So one thing comes to mind......
Be Still.
Don't over think this whole thing. You don't know if he's even stopping by and you're thinking of what you should do in order to affect an outcome.
It's not your job to reassure him that you're "okay" with him going to spend 8 days away from his son with his GF.
No pats on the bum, no have a good time. A hug, a warm goodby, and a see you in a week is fine.
Starsky is right let him wonder about you.
I know I advised you to find a way to be happy that he was having a break from the house or whatever but that was to combat any bitterness you might be feeling that would play into your interaction with him. There is a thing as going too far the other way and actually supporting him emotionally in having another relationship.
Keep yourself on solid footing that's the only outcome you need to try to influence dear girl.
this is so difficult to balance - just focus on being friends - well then if i'm being friends - wouldn't it be natural for me to be happy for him?
Be happy that he's cheating on you???!!! What am I missing here?
I don't believe in the whole "friends" thing. Be friend-LY, yes -- civil, courteous, respectful -- like you would treat a workmate who was staying at your house for a few weeks. But not BFF, no way.
I told my wife, when she was still wayward, that I needed to be clear about something: if she decided to end our marriage this way -- by cheating on me and lying to everyone (including our own family) about it -- that we would NEVER be friends. We would work together as civil co-parents, but that would be it. If, however, she decided to end her affair, and come back and work on the marriage with me for a period of time (say, a year), and if after that time we just decided it wasn't working, then yes I could see us remaining friends even in divorce.
When my wife and I reconciled after her infidelity, she told me that there were two things that were the primary influence on her deciding to end her affair: the disapproval of her mother and our adult daughters; and losing me as her best friend. She said something like "As strange as it sounds, I was more prepared to lose you as my husband, than I was to lose you as my best friend."
What kind of friend cheats upon the other, and then is filled with deceit about the whole thing?
so starsky - did your wife acknowledge that she was cheating on you?
because my h has this brilliant notion that since he announced that we are "officially separated" that means he's not cheating on me at all!!
Be happy that he's cheating on you???!!! What am I missing here?
i meant ACT AS IF - i'm happy period. happy with being friends. accepting that this is what he wants in his life right now
What kind of friend cheats upon the other, and then is filled with deceit about the whole thing?
no friend of mine - and that's how i've felt from the beginning.
HOW DO I - make it safe for him to return - if i am judgmental about what he is doing currently?
frankly, you guys are over-reacting a bit. sd - i wasn't getting worked up over it by any means - sorry i gave that impression
i wasn't obsessed in any way about his coming or not coming over - in fact - i'm not expecting him to. i'm thinking he's avoiding me as he has all week and will probably do something along the lines of getting mil or fil to drop s's things off.
my advice from joann has been quite different - allow him to make mistakes with me, let go of all resistance to the sitch, make a full life of my own but mostly be friendly and welcoming. don't think of ow as important,allow him to come closer.
i like what you said to your wife - that's what i would like to say to h. but he preempts me on everything - like he's doing the db'ing first!!
i'm glad we are having this discussion - i admit i'm a bit confused about how to act - with all this conflicting advice, and that i may not have got it completely here.
but frankly after the spewing from monday to wednesday, total silence after that - i'm not expecting anything at all. the guy is struggling - he can't be near me without remembering what happened and the vibes between us - he's avoiding the heck out of me this week. and i'm not upset about it - i'm almost amused.
dropping the rope, to me , means dropping ALL resistance to every part of what's going on - and that's acceptance too - how do you do that while your'e still making conditions about whether or not they are with the OP?
or am i totally interpreting that incorrectly?
thanks all of you and i agree with everything you say also - i want to explore this more so that i am more clearly defined on this for myself
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
you are doing good. dont think you arent. being happy for you is key. dont worry so much about what he is doing. he is probably struggling but it is his struggle. you have no control. i like how you want to keep the road home smooth. that is good. you dont have to drive him home tho. be happy with you, stick to your boundries, be the attractive person you are. things have a way of working out.
you may never R nd that is hard to deal with. it has to be done for you to be truly happy. not to hijack..i stopped worrying about W and OM's. stopped trying to inguence her. i decided to be happy with me. she has noticed and it doesnt matter to me. OM called me yesterday and wanted to talk so i met him. he wanted advice because she broke his heart! lmfao!!!! really? what was i supposed to say to that? it is to bizarre. then she started asking me for help. i responded politely when i had time. i have no hard feelings. today i had court for my protection order. it was dropped. she didtt show up.
my point is, worry about you. when you become happy and live the way you want, the world is a shiny beautiful place. the WAS have their struggles as we do. it is their burden to bear. when you are the strong confident one i know you can be things work out. might not be how you want. there are powers greater than us at work. karma, god whatever. if you live right, right things happen.
zig, you are a rockstar. keep your head up. you will know what YOU need to do. you are smart.
