Everhopeful, your post makes a lot of sense to me. I agree that my h didn't mature as I did, during our marriage - we married pretty young, and he was very intellecutually bright, and sort of focused on this rather than growing emotionally. I think he 'woke up' one morning and found himself actually middle-aged, but emotionally still youg, and instead of moving forward he went into reverse. I had a much more grounded childhood, and was more secure in every way. I also think I provided him with the stability and love he craved.
Although MLCers say it is all about the LBS, their actions certainly give the lie to this. He has been pretty horrible to everyone, including his kids. So he fell out of love with them for a while, but now he is starting to try and move closer to them, but of course he has been unpleasant to them and emootionally absent, and still not fully recognising that he has to make a lot of effort to rebuild relationships. There is an important learning part of MLC, but it certainly is a destructive process. Whatever I needed to learn, my kids never deserved this. I think we forget them in this, all too often.
What I share comes from my own life experiences and what I percieve to be occuring. There is a feeling that I have when something resonates inside of me that makes me feel as if this is the "truth." Yet, I realize, I don't know what the "truth" is. All I know is what my senses are telling me.
I do know that I am more emotionally aware of things that I was not aware of in the past. I believe we are changing as a human species. It is not something I can prove, but something that I sense within me.
As a species, we have survived using External Power, manipulating and controlling external things outside of us. It is no longer working as their is a greater resistance to it.
MLC individuals are a strong example of this. A MLC person feels as if they have been manipulated and controlled their whole life. They have reach a point where they have said, "no more."
The MLC person is finally taking control of their lives. To others, it comes across as being selfish and repudiating friends, family and loved ones. To the MLC person this is done to protect themselves and save them.
A MLC person acts from the world of "fear." I recently read that the root of all fear is "death." I find this very interesting as we believe that the death of someone close to the MLC spouse is what triggers their MLC.
We believe that a persons fear of life passing them by and that they have not accomplished or achieved what they thought they should of at this stage motivates, them to make changes and take control of their lives. Many MLC spouses blame their spouses for their own failures in achievement or lack of accomplishments.
Sorry for stopping short of what I wanted to say, but my wife is expecting me at home. I will finish my thoughts later.
My divorce has worked out to be a very good change for me, even though it brought up all of my fears. What it has done is helped me to face my fears and learn what they are all about.
I'm still working on them, and probably will until the day comes for me to return home. That is how it probably should be.
We are here to learn the lessons that are intended for each of us. We continue to have the same experiences, sometimes with different people, over and over until we finally learn the lessson we are supposed to learn.
For some of us, especially me, we have to repeat the tough experiences over many times before we finally "get it." I seem to learn better by attending the "school of hard knocks.
Originally Posted By: M Go Blue
My second marriage has brought up the same issues I had in my first. The issues are not within my new wife, but within me. Changing spouses does not make the old issues go away.
Your MLC spouse has believed that their new OW/Om is their "soul mate" and there old issues have dissapeared. Trust me, it's just a matter of time before your spouses issues will resurface their ugly head again.
This is real gold.
Paul is about my age as near as I can calculate. Figuring out these issues is our challenge. And how to do our work on them. It does not mean that our marriages will survive or reconcile since we appear to have no CONTROL over that.
Thanks M GO Blue I am a little late responding but I have lots of TIME.
I believe my Xw did try to connect in her own way. I didn't realize it at the time. When she did make contact, I was already involved with my current wife and had moved on with my life. Had I not been involved with someone new, maybe we would have gotten back togehter. Maybe the only reason she tried to connect was that she felt she was really losing me. It may be why she is still angry with me today, I didn't wait for her.
I really believe that this is true. You can not wait and must get on living your life "as if" they are never coming back. But the script does seem to play out over and over the same way. Even for Paul.
I cannot tell M Go Blue to make a new thread...dammit.
Not only that but his last post on this thread was in the middle of a thought that he promised to finish.
He did make some posts after this on some other threads but never did finish this point.
Sorry Jack for him going over the limit but I do think that in the overall scheme of things it will be worth it.
I hope this thread and some of the others don't get purged as their is quite a bit of wisdom here.
Strangely if you search for MGoBlue another poster comes up who has never posted and registered on 10/18/2011, I can't help wonder if that is PAUL, because the search does not come up with him as a user here at all. Well this forum mechanics always was a little strange.
Anyways thanks for humoring me and for anyone who has not read this thread it is well worth the TIME invested.
I think the 100 limit rule should be applied to people currently posting, no fears of me locking this up, unless some smart ass decided to start using it as their thread.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Excellent POST! I suggesting keeping this at the top of the MLC page.
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Is there a way to "pin it" at the top of the forum?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
