DB Bootcamp - zig and sgctxok, and various

[zig]

I think a LOT of people are in this same boat over houses purchased in the last few years. Something has to give soon, at least I hope so

just wanted to clarify - in case you are thinking of something else.

h bought a house really cheap - or rather his parents bought it and he's gutted the entire thing down to the bones - gave up his rental yesterday - and realized that he has to move in with his parents, because the house is NOWHERE near ready - as in maybe in december, if things go really really well

he is under an enormous amount of stress right now and is losing it left right and center. i don't know if you're following my thread, but he only informed me late the night before he started moving out (day before yesterday!!) and i told the in-laws who didn't know.

[zig]

Was it a conscious focus or something that just happened?

at first, i really had to push, but slowly by itself, i just got there when i didn't try so hard - and the first few times, it was only a while later that i would suddenly realize - oh i've been concentrating so much on this, i forgot to think about the sitch.

it's almost funny isn't it? how goofy we are!!!

Now, i just expect to focus for the most part!!

You made a choice to change, to do self-talk, thought stopping, making a CHOICE as to how your mind and body will respond.

thank-you sg. it's interesting how the "gap" between making the choice and actually starting to live it takes time to narrow until the two overlap. will use that and apply it to other things as well.

i'm going to answer one post at a time - hope we can keep track:)

[zig]

Relationship goal #1: “h asks me to join him and s when they are together to do some little activity”
Achievement: “he hasn't done that literally yet. don't know if it counts that he called and repeated several times - "just letting you know we are going to be at the cracker show if you want to come"
it felt as if he wanted me to come down there, but couldn't ask directly.”
From sg: I’m not sure why you are not counting that. It doesn’t have to sound like a date. It’s a BABY STEP. Now, the important part: what have you done recently that you think helped to create the atmosphere that he could allow you to go? Please be sure to answer this question.

ans: as far as i can tell -

1. i let go of boundaries with the house
- asking him to just walk in instead of knocking,
- dropping a boundary i had put into place last fall which was really stressful for him and caused him a lot of agony and which actually was back-firing on me and his family

2. i'm not sure about this one, but letting him know that i was worried for HIM about us sleeping together and how he couldn't manage it, rather than showing neediness myself
3. staying absolutely consistent after he said that he was not going to do it again, not getting upset at all and not showing any change in my demeanor towards him - in fact acting even friendlier and flirting a bit

so in other words: not to display any behavior that points the finger at him as he's doing something wrong (the house boundaries brought that up for him in a tremendous way), unnerving him about his picture of me being the needy one who wants him back and for the third - staying consistent in my reactions with him no matter what he does (that is, not showing any judgement whatsoever).
-

Goal # 2: “when we talk, that i shut up more and more, and really learn to LISTEN better”

Achievement: i think i'm getting better at this. i know i sound confident here - but when we do talk, i do get nervous and edgy and find myself focusing on those feelings and trying to hide them, and then don't always pay attention to what he's saying in some ways. will keep working on that

From sg: GREAT! How will you know that what you are doing here is important TO HIM? What will he DO differently? How will he respond so that you know you did well?

answer:

uuuh (hesitate) that he will open up more? that his voice will relax and he will talk naturally instead of all tense and abrupt and terse? that he will initiate more conversation


Goal #3: “h stops feeling and implying that i am helpless and need his help until i get back on my feet (his words)”

Achievement: “i think i achieved this goal - in a phone call last weekend - while he was going ballistic about what someone else was doing to me - he blurted out. "what's wrong with them? can't they see you're this confident amazing woman, who's got her [censored] together". the issue was that this other person had targeted me assuming that because of my sitch i was vulnerable. i had to discuss it with h, because s was involved and we needed to make a decision together”

From sg: This makes you a DB SUCCESS. It might not be the whole ball of wax, but you achieved a small goal, and from these goals, you achieve the big goals. NOW:
A: What actions of yours helped you achieve this goal (be sure to answer this question)?
B: How do you keep doing more of y

WOOHOO!! believe me, sg - when he said that i had the biggest grin on the other end of the phone saying to myself YEEEEES!!!!

okay now to answer:
A: I have no idea!! no i'm kidding. by the end of the second month after BD - i started acting as if - all the as ifs'. i also started working. mil helped me to set up a sale in this really fancy store downtown. it was in march. until then, h never so much as asked what i was doing he walked in there and got blown away - I was back in business, back to the zig he met, able to throw a fantastic show together. for the five years after the accident, he never thought i'd do anything ever again -neither did i for the most part

my actions - i've just put one step in front of the other, faced each abominable fear as it came up (and some of them were overwhelmingly huge - the night before the show i cried for 4 hrs while i worked, petrified of stepping back into the world again) . no matter how much he has challenged me with this sitch, i have shown up for every family occasion , with a smile on my face db'ing my butt off. no matter how messed up h and s have been at drop off and pick up i have smiled and encouraged them to go have a good time together, no matter how messed up i've felt i haven't once shown him that after october. i've used the incredible resources and love around me to prop me up through it all, and thank god i found this board, because it propelled me faster and further than i ever thought anything could

sorry that was a bit of a dramatic answer there-

B: just keep moving toward the person i'm meant to be. months ago it was acting as if - now i'm not acting, this is who i am. i don't have to pretend anymore - i just try to focus on loving him and s, not in terms of what they do, but in terms of who they are to me

[zig]

Relationship Goal #4: h feels comfortable enough to have a meal at the house with s and me
Achievement: sometimes it's hard to tell if I've reached a goal. I have a picture in my mind about how it would look, and it may not necessarily be that, and then I'm not sure if i was anywhere close.
From sg: That picture is what you really want. You need to define this for yourself, if you want this goal, get this picture.

Yes, I will do that. i think i understand how it works - you make the picture in your head and then just work towards it, believing it can happen
Otherwise:
“i've had the longest voice mail ever from him a couple of days ago - relaxed warm voice which was a real treat after sooo many months of curt short verbal shots. also he seems to answer when i call or calls me back pretty quickly and sounds very relaxed on the phone. i've even had several how are you's - asked as if he really meant it and wanted to know. i don't think it occurred to him to ask me how i was for over 10 months”
From sg: This is really wonderful!!!! What were YOU doing lately that lead to this, because, absolutely you are doing something RIGHT. Be sure to answer this.

I don't think i realized until recently that all these months HE was mirroring me. so when i started becoming more friendly and open, he seemed to relax more

it was little things like phone calls - i wouldn't pick up right away, and take my time calling him back. i wouldn't initiate any calls unless i absolutely had to. i was rejecting him in ways i couldn't see, but he could feel very strongly - for e.g.. when i'd call to say goodnight to s, as soon as he picked up i would just say hi i called to say goodnight to s. now when he picks up, i take the opportunity to have a cheerful conversation with him. in reaction to my earlier way, he started handing the phone to s to answer, now he answers every time (maybe he's looking forward to talking to me - evil grin!!!) and we have a light easy chat

now, i just treat him like a friend - i pick up and say hi cheerfully and ask him how he is. i think i was being so LRt before that he felt it really heavily and it reminded him constantly of what he was doing. and that constant reminder kept him focused on that, and he couldn't relax around me.

i got into such a habit of worrying non-stop about everything i did, and whether i was pursuing or not, that my anxiety must have come through. the minute i stopped all that and just started acting like i used to with him (during our good moments), he seems to be responding better.

as i look back, i see that i needed that long period of going dim for myself to get to a more detached place, and that this is just how it goes. at the time i thought i was going dim to "get him back" but now i can see it was to get me to a good place

thank-you sg, for taking this time with me. i hope my answers weren't too tediously long

i am going to write the next set of goals - defining/redefining on the ones that i have right now.

take care
zig

[sgctxok]

Outstanding, and FAST!!!!

I might be wrong, but I think it's easier for women to DB. I think women can affect a man's behavior more easily than a man can change a woman's. But that is completely my opinion or feeling at the moment and not DB advice. It just seems that way to me.

It's getting FUN, isn't it. You are building the attraction and love all over again. Getting a chance to revisit the beginnings. And make new beginnings. Romance over and over again...with the SAME partner. And what better model for your son.

[zig]

You are building the attraction and love all over again. Getting a chance to revisit the beginnings. And make new beginnings. Romance over and over again...with the SAME partner. And what better model for your son..


do you really think so?
i don't know if i'm reading more into things than what is really happening.

i have a slight challenge this week - and i use the word slight deliberately - I am choosing not to let this 'take me down"

h just let me know a couple of nights ago that he was "going out of town" this friday until the following saturday.

this is his way of saying, as far as i know, that he's going to see ow. her name hasn't been used by either of us in conversations for many months now.

we were on the phone - a long long call and he found a chance to 'slip it in"

i did really well - didn't let my voice change and just casually went straight to details of when and where i was picking s up - as i would with anyone else.

then tonight - talking to my mom - realized that he was going to be down there on our wedding anniversary!!

ouch!!

except - and here's a very sad thing about the true state of our marriage- we never celebrated it once - in fact neither of us was clear on the date. both our mothers would call us the month of july and keep asking us to look it up and both of us were like what's the big deal.

only now i see what we were really doing....

i said to my mom, this year i want to acknowledge it. luckily she drummed some sense into my head that it was NOT a good idea to send him a text saying happy anniversary - thanks for our years together.

i've had mild moments through the last couple of days - absolutely nothing like the last few times.

i am slightly unnerved - they were meeting - either him going down there or her up here - on an average of every 2 or 2and half months, but she was just up here barely a month ago for 10 days. so the pace has upped slightly...

my main goal for the next 2 weeks :

every time i think of him being down there, i shall think of my turtles who are accompanying me on my journey - if you haven't met them:) they are Patience, Perseverance and Faith and they have been teaching me a lot.

they've invited a couple of others - Compassion, Focus and Self-Confidence to join us, but I've specifically asked this week for them to call Validation, Letting Go and Self-Improvement to join my little army of companions.

Bring it on Baby!! I read somewhere that one is never given more than one can deal with - so obviously i can deal with this.

if you have any suggestions, i could sure use them

thanks sg - for all your support

zig

ps. oh i forgot - that stupid turtle Doubt keeps trying to join our group and i have kicked him out on his a$$ so many times, you'd think he'd get the message by now!! what's up with him!!!

[zig]

hi sg - i guess i have a week here to work on myself.

been waking up earlier, and apart from a few down spells, been able to propel myself back to a good place again

h has been withdrawn and picking for a fight since monday, and that's been really hard to have positive interactions all the time. i think the most i've been able to manage is to turn the conversation to a more peaceful level by the end.

i got a bit discouraged yesterday - actually i should say i got put off - and today i've sort of worked myself to an indifference towards him

You are building the attraction and love all over again

i do feel quite confused sometimes about what stand to take. accept the marriage is completely over - but at the same time do the above?

how does one truly do both? what are your thoughts on that?

i'm not even sure what i am really asking here. for now - just to focus on myself.

h going away is a good wakeup call for me to detach further. i'm way way more detached than i was the last time, and i can see a huge difference in how i am dealing with it this time.

it's as if it's not that important and doesn't hold as much weight as before...

i was hoping you'd talk to me more about the KLA stuff - would you"

it would be good for me to focus on something like that for now maybe.

thanks
zig

[zig]

sg - may i request something please?

I know you don't have a lot of time, but if you could go read my thread. It's pretty long, quite intense and starts on pg 3 of my thread post # #226403

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2263709&page=2

it's many many pages -

I wouldn't ask, except I would really like your feedback swell as any other vets who care to say something. there's a few people involved in the discussion, and i think you may find it rather interesting.

I was hoping that we would have more contact. I think i need a more "fixed, definite" plan here, as i am very much wondering how to proceed

look forward to hearing from you and sorry to ask such a big favor

thanks
zig

[zig]

my goals for this week:

for myself
1. to continue doing my yoga at least 3 times per week
2, to get to bed earlier - be able to fall asleep by 11 pm
3. to finish clearing the clutter in the main house - almost done with that but a day's worth more to go
4. if it's not too hot, to get started on organizing the garage
5. to work on being more patient with my brother, who continues to challenge me - try to have at least one conversation out of 3 be positive (grin)
6. plan and go on a little trip with s alone. working on not feeling so overwhelmed to go all the way to Co to Rocky Mtn, Nat. Park and camp there on our own. I'm finding the idea a little daunting - doing the 10 hr drive alone . maybe a place a little closer would be better, but i want to go up into the mtns so bad i can taste it!!

with h
1. still not listening - getting nervous and talking too much myself. need to practice more stfu technique
2. continue to be consistently friendly and present
3. i don't know where he's at, but continue with goal of the 3 of us doing little things together, like a meal or a little outing
4. using every interaction as much as i can, as an opportunity for a positive interaction
5. i would like h to invite me up to his studio to see what he is doing

i'm going to focus on these goals as much as possible during this next 2 weeks.

[zig]

one more goal to add, and this is a long term one

for myself. I need to become financially responsible for myself. we are still living off h's paycheck, and I feel terrible about it. I need to either apply for a job, or get this knitting business off it's feet and going really well.

btw - if anyone is reading this:


I think sg may need a break, and if there are any vets out there who can help me stay motivated towards my goals, i would be most grateful. I write them down - especially the ones for myself, but have trouble working towards them.

thanks
zig