haven't done my homework this week - looking into the kla stuff.
what have i done? just to keep a bit focused here - i went to follow that list i had first made
my goals for myself: 1. stop being so pulled in to the sitch and turn my focus more and more towards other things in my life like my work and my friends 2. add more structure to my day - so that i am really working in a focused way rather than in between spending time on the board here 3. focus on myself and my own healing that is still very much in progress 4. meet new people 5. apply for some part time teaching jobs for the fall 6. start my yoga practice again which i have blown off for the last 3 weeks
1. started focusing more intensively on my work - it hasn't been going very smoothly - lots of techie issues with computers and machines and oddly that's helped me focus away from the sitch. best part - watched my anxiety levels start to rise as in the past but managed to "talk" myself to a more relaxed place in my mind - i think that's huge for me as my anxiety levels would rocket at the least challenge
2. still working on the structure of my day - it's a tad bit wishy washy but a lot better than it was
3. eating better, definitely
4. exercise - oops - bad on this one
5. sleeping. ironic problem here. i get on the boards after s goes to bed and then suddenly it's very very late. i want to spend time here, reading and responding to others, but am finding that it really eats into my sleep time. s goes to h's tomorrow for the following week, so then i will be able to start earlier
6. gal'ing. that's been a bit low this week - my friend is busy writing her dissertation now, and the others are out of town. i am going out with h's friends' wife tomorrow for dinner (i say that like she's not my friend - she is. we didn't meet or see each other or talk for 9 months after DB, and then we have reconnected)
also s has joined a very intense film-making course and is knackered in the evening and doesn't feel up to doing much more. but next week i'll be on my own and it will be easier
haven't met any new people yet, but that of course is a bit difficult when you work at home
7. my own state of mind and PMA - i am doing great with that. i don't think much of what may or may not happen with h - if it comes up in my mind i try to focus onto something else. i have been dealing so much with some of the huge releases that have come since last weekend, and the result has been so much more peace and so much less "wanting". i'm starting to be okay where i am with myself
8. haven't done anything about applying for jobs yet - need to start working on that.
1. h asks me to join him and s when they are together to do some little activity 2. when we talk, that i shut up more and more, and really learn to LISTEN better 3. h stops feeling and implying that i am helpless and need his help until i get back on my feet (his words) 4. h feels comfortable enough to have a meal at the house with s and me 5. h feels that he can be safe with the three of us together - the last 3 months it seems as if he doesn't allow that , because it feels so good and he has to fight that feeling as hard as he can 6.that i use every interaction as an opportunity for a positive interaction
1. he hasn't done that literally yet. don't know if it counts that he called and repeated several times - "just letting you know we are going to be at the cracker show if you want to come" it felt as if he wanted me to come down there, but couldn't ask directly.
it's a step. all these months he's absolutely not mentioned what they are doing. of course, our friends were there, so that may have been why - otoh these past months he's done stuff with same people and i have not been called and told about it "if i wanted to come"
2.i think i'm getting better at this. i know i sound confident here - but when we do talk, i do get nervous and edgy and find myself focusing on those feelings and trying to hide them, and then don't always pay attention to what he's saying in some ways. will keep working on that
3.i think i achieved this goal - in a phone call last weekend - while he was going ballistic about what someone else was doing to me - he blurted out. "what's wrong with them? can't they see you're this confident amazing woman, who's got her [censored] together". the issue was that this other person had targeted me assuming that because of my sitch i was vulnerable. i had to discuss it with h, because s was involved and we needed to make a decision together
5.sometimes it's hard to tell if I've reached a goal. I have a picture in my mind about how it would look, and it may not necessarily be that, and then I'm not sure if i was anywhere close.
three of us alone together? hasn't really happened specifically. but after a long time, h hung out at the house this morning for 45 mins - he seemed pretty relaxed. maybe one teeny step towards the goal?
6. i think i've managed to keep just about every interaction with h on the positive side - the 2 that went a bit awry - i think i managed to end them positively.
i've had the longest voice mail ever from him a couple of days ago - relaxed warm voice which was a real treat after sooo many months of curt short verbal shots. also he seems to answer when i call or calls me back pretty quickly and sounds very relaxed on the phone. i've even had several how are you's - asked as if he really meant it and wanted to know. i don't think it occurred to him to ask me how i was for over 10 months
i'm glad i took the time to go back to this list and write something for each of them. it helped me see more clearly where i was (making the list) and where i am now, just a couple of weeks later
sg - i seriously am having problems approaching the KLA thing - have no idea why!
i was going to order the download, but had to use the money to upgrade my knitting machine software - which was very unexpected. so will have to wait a bit on that
sg, how are you? are you feeling a bit better or still having a tough time? i hope you are better.
look forward to hearing from you
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
just to add - h had breakfast with s and me this morning - all of us together!!
went well. i was casual and relaxed, he was quite quiet and introspective, slightly tense, s started to get spastic when we first sat down, and h told him to relax.
he got a really good taste of how it could be different. i even got him to make the eggs!!
as an aside - he is repeatedly telling me that buying that house was a bad decision - this morning again.(in fact, i've just realized that every time we've spoken for over a week, he's said that) this time i stayed quiet, and just said - what could make it better? just time , i suppose - and he agreed quietly, yes.
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
zig -- I'm going to focus here on the more major pieces of personal and relationship goals:
Personal Goal 1: “stop being so pulled in to the sitch and turn my focus more and more towards other things in my life like my work and my friends”
Achievement #1: “started focusing more intensively on my work - it hasn't been going very smoothly - lots of techie issues with computers and machines and oddly that's helped me focus away from the sitch. “ From sg: That’s good and it helps. Was it a conscious focus or something that just happened? Either way, it’s GOOD, just good to note and pay attention to your conscious choices as events present themselves.Best part - watched my anxiety levels start to rise as in the past but managed to "talk" myself to a more relaxed place in my mind - i think that's huge for me as my anxiety levels would rocket at the least challenge From sg: This IS HUGE! You made a choice to change, to do self-talk, thought stopping, making a CHOICE as to how your mind and body will respond.
***
On another note: Your efforts to take care of yourself physically also affect you mentall, spiritually, emotionally--as you know. So keep working on getting good sleep, exercise, nutrition, etc.
I look forward to an update next week on these same goals!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Relationship goal #1: “h asks me to join him and s when they are together to do some little activity” Achievement: “he hasn't done that literally yet. don't know if it counts that he called and repeated several times - "just letting you know we are going to be at the cracker show if you want to come" it felt as if he wanted me to come down there, but couldn't ask directly.” From sg: I’m not sure why you are not counting that. It doesn’t have to sound like a date. It’s a BABY STEP. Now, the important part: what have you done recently that you think helped to create the atmosphere that he could allow you to go? Please be sure to answer this question.
Goal # 2: “when we talk, that i shut up more and more, and really learn to LISTEN better”
Achievement: i think i'm getting better at this. i know i sound confident here - but when we do talk, i do get nervous and edgy and find myself focusing on those feelings and trying to hide them, and then don't always pay attention to what he's saying in some ways. will keep working on that From sg: GREAT! How will you know that what you are doing here is important TO HIM? What will he DO differently? How will he respond so that you know you did well?
Goal #3: “h stops feeling and implying that i am helpless and need his help until i get back on my feet (his words)”
Achievement: “i think i achieved this goal - in a phone call last weekend - while he was going ballistic about what someone else was doing to me - he blurted out. "what's wrong with them? can't they see you're this confident amazing woman, who's got her [censored] together". the issue was that this other person had targeted me assuming that because of my sitch i was vulnerable. i had to discuss it with h, because s was involved and we needed to make a decision together”
From sg: This makes you a DB SUCCESS. It might not be the whole ball of wax, but you achieved a small goal, and from these goals, you achieve the big goals. NOW: A: What actions of yours helped you achieve this goal (be sure to answer this question)? B: How do you keep doing more of y
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Relationship Goal #4: h feels comfortable enough to have a meal at the house with s and me Achievement: sometimes it's hard to tell if I've reached a goal. I have a picture in my mind about how it would look, and it may not necessarily be that, and then I'm not sure if i was anywhere close. From sg: That picture is what you really want. You need to define this for yourself, if you want this goal, get this picture.
Otherwise: “i've had the longest voice mail ever from him a couple of days ago - relaxed warm voice which was a real treat after sooo many months of curt short verbal shots. also he seems to answer when i call or calls me back pretty quickly and sounds very relaxed on the phone. i've even had several how are you's - asked as if he really meant it and wanted to know. i don't think it occurred to him to ask me how i was for over 10 months” From sg: This is really wonderful!!!! What were YOU doing lately that lead to this, because, absolutely you are doing something RIGHT. Be sure to answer this.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
just to add - h had breakfast with s and me this morning - all of us together!!
went well. i was casual and relaxed, he was quite quiet and introspective, slightly tense, s started to get spastic when we first sat down, and h told him to relax.
he got a really good taste of how it could be different. i even got him to make the eggs!!
as an aside - he is repeatedly telling me that buying that house was a bad decision - this morning again.(in fact, i've just realized that every time we've spoken for over a week, he's said that) this time i stayed quiet, and just said - what could make it better? just time , i suppose - and he agreed quietly, yes.
Outstanding interactions!
I think a LOT of people are in this same boat over houses purchased in the last few years. Something has to give soon, at least I hope so.
You are doing a GREAT job! Keep it up!
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
