My story, my progress, my hope

[Tinman]

Mach1 I saw the but in the first sentence so I guess it may not have been my best:-(

[sayitaintso]

I was not going to go down but she text and asked if I was coming down. So I went down.

Next time decline and tell her you are busy.

So, I thought about it and I just can’t go on like this. I sit by and watch while she goes out and parties, drinks like a fish and puts herself in horrible situations. I just don’t know what to do

So stop watching her, stop checking fb, stop being judgemental of her actions and what she chooses to do. Give her the space she needs right now (and more importantly you need right now) to let her live her life.

Anyway I got home and yes in anger and frustration I sent her a very long text.

Where are those cans of STFU that you purchased?

Tinman
Member

Registered: 06/07/12

Tin- You have been reading threads on here right? And if not you should do yourself a favor because their is a ton of wisdom in other threads on here. You have been at this a very short time IMO.

If your over your edge and are done that I will support you but I think you have more in you, what do you think? Don't answer that before 48 hours.

You must focus on yourself Tin and stop focusing on your w. I know it is hard but you can do this.

[scaredsilly]

maybe she got upset because she was telling you about something that she was going through and you turned it around to make it about your feelings. you didn't validate her but invalidated her.

SIAS is right. focus on you. take your focus off her and be a better you and a better dad. stay away from her house...

[labug]

Well I tried my best but I guess I am done.

You can be "done" at anytime, your call but you'll have other R despite what you say in the last paragraph. All these issues will come up again until you figure out why you do what you do.

I was not going to go down but she text and asked if I was coming down. So I went down.

sias covered this. Don't be so available.

We had a decent time and then we were chatting and she started talking about her making up with her friend and telling me about this discussion she had with her. About how she was now a single parent and had no one else to count on and how bad her situation was. It broke my heart! ...
So anyway she is telling me all about this conversation and I have to look away because I am getting a little teary eyed and did not what her to see. Then she asks what is wrong with me. I said something like “I am sorry just hard to hear some of this as you talk about us in such finality” She said “I was talking about my current situation” and then she got up and said I guess I should have known better than to talk to you about it. Then she walked away and went inside.

As ss said, do you see that she was sharing something that was important and painful for her and made it all about you? You aren't in charge of her friendships or who she lets into her life so it's not for you to judge.

You took an opportunity to listen, understand and validate and turned it into more of the same.

I sit by and watch while she goes out and parties, drinks like a fish and puts herself in horrible situations. I just don’t know what to do but really I cannot honestly say that at this point even if she came back I could deal with how she is acting.

Again, not your role, she's an adult and can make her own choices.

I told her that if she wanted to work on the marriage I wanted to but I could not hang out in limbo anymore and was not willing to accept the scraps of her life.

You've put yourself in that situation, don't go there every time she calls.

Breaks my heart but I think the thing that put me over the edge is that I end up taking my hurt feelings out on my girls and it is not fair to them.

Don't blame this on your W-your feelings are completely in your control. This is where you need to dig deep, because as I said above you have other R (children, friends)and you will have other R, you need to figure this out or all your R will be troubled.

You can do this, but it's not as easy as saying "I'm done."

[Tinman]

Hi Say,

Yes I hear what you are telling me. I still feel like it was the right thing to do. I have been there for her anytime she needs me. I have been understanding and shown her nothing but love. While I fairly new to this forum I have been going thru this for 5 months. I have not always made the smartest moves but everything I have done has been to work toward us.

Over the last 5 months she has broken my heart over and over with no remorse on her part. She has told me that she was done and she has never been able to recover from done, She has told me she does not love me, she has told me that she is not physically attracted to me and the list goes on. She has made comments about my kids and how her kids are not as excited to see my kids. She started lying to me about small things, she has reconnected with old flames or want to be flames and is constantly texting them even when I am around. She is not the person I feel in love with. How can someone who is supposed to love you treat you with such disrespect? And why would I want to spend one min longer trying to save something that the other person has made clear that they want no part of.

I have spent a few hours a day reading the posts on this forum and yesterday I spent about 6 hours. It really is overwhelming how many LBS go on for so long only to end up with nothing. Yesterday I was looking for hope on this forum and really only found pain and hurt.

I don't want to fail with my W but I also need to take a step back and really let her go. I think my text to her yesterday did just that. I left the door to my heart open and clearly told her that I would like to work on our marriage. I also told her that I was moving on with my life. She knows how I feel about her. This whole process is about giving her space and now she has all the space she needs.

I am not done but starting a new chapter in my life. It does not change the fact that I love her more than I have loved anyone in the past (besides my kids) and my hope is that at some point she grows out of this and realizes that we were truly good together. Who knows what happens going forward but I am going to try my best to move forward and be happy no matter happens in the future.

Now I need a road trip for this weekend so I am not around to think about anything. Maybe out to LA and do some bike riding along the coast or maybe to the local bar to play out a scene from my now favorite Movie “crazy, stupid love” . If you have not watched this yet it is great for folks in our situation. Reminder to self, get rid of New Balance Tennis Shoes!

[Tinman]

Thanks labug and scaredsilly, I know you are right and grateful for the comments.

I am not sure how I could have handled the situation last night any different other than just to not be there. I was listening and trying to understand but the story about her and her friends just kept getting deeper and worse. This friend of hers treated her so bad yet my W just let it go (non of my business I realize). The part that I got chocked up on was when she was telling me about how W explained to her friend how hard life was for her. How her ex-husband (previous one not me) left her in a financial crunch and how now she is in this other situation that leaves her being a single parent and trying to make ends meet on her own. She talked about how uncomfortable it was for her to get naked in front of these 4 other couples when she is the only single woman there (that time). Previously she made it sound like it was something she was uncomfortable doing in general but last night it sounded more like she wanted to but because she was the only single person it would just be too much and also everyone else was already in the water and she had a one piece on so she would have had to strip out of it in front of all those other people.


I said very little. Yes I was hurt and got choked up when she started talking about us with such finality. It is hard to see her act like this.

You are both right in that I need to give her space and deal with my own issues. I still think that what I text her last night needed to happen. I told her I loved her but I was letting her go. I told her that if she wanted to talk and try and salvage our marriage I would love that. I let her go so I could stop hurting and being her door mat. I will still treat her with love and kindness but this will give me the space both of us appear to need.

I am sure after a few days I will regret it

Now for a long bike ride and a good cry!!!

[Rick1963]

"Over the last 5 months she has broken my heart over and over with no remorse on her part. She has told me that she was done and she has never been able to recover from done, She has told me she does not love me, she has told me that she is not physically attracted to me and the list goes on. She has made comments about my kids and how her kids are not as excited to see my kids. She started lying to me about small things, she has reconnected with old flames or want to be flames and is constantly texting them even when I am around. She is not the person I feel in love with. How can someone who is supposed to love you treat you with such disrespect? And why would I want to spend one min longer trying to save something that the other person has made clear that they want no part of."

Tinman are you serious? She told you she doesn't love you. Stop chacing after her and begging for her love. It doesn't work. I got tired of the words "work on you and focus on you statements" but in the end it is the only thing to do.

Let her go.

Letting Go
Author unknown

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.

To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.

To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
...
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.

To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.

To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.

To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.

To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.

To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.

To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.

To "let go" it not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.

To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.

To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

[sayitaintso]

Nice Rick ^^^^

[Tinman]

Thanks Rick,

I have printed this and plan to staple to my forehead so I don't forget!!!

[Tinman]

So need a little help in understanding something?
Yesterday my D ran down to say hello to my W (We only live 5 houses apart). Then later my W came by our house and she was all decked out in a new dress and looking oh so good. She said she was on her way out to meet up with her group of friends and just wanted to stop and say hello to me. I told her she looked great and she lite up. She does love the attention.
We chatted for a min or two and then she gave me a hug and left. I don’t get it. Two days ago I let her go. Told her I was done. Was it to show me what I would be missing?? Show me how hot she is and make me feel bad because she is now going to hang out at a bar?? I don’t know but It sure did make me miss her!!! Probably my answer. She is not a mean person but not sure how to take it. Guess it is a good thing she even thought about me at all.
Thoughts?
On another note I have no kids this weekend and plan on GALing my ars off. Even have a few offers but such a slippery slope.