Stand up. Poor and tired, but more than this.

[LIO]

Well I see the OW that H stayed at her apartment and texted he loved her not 2 months ago now has a picture on facebook of her kissing some guy who I assume she is in a relationship with. H hasn't talked to her in 2 months. Why do I care? Jealousy? She gets a happy relationship while my H is living in his own apartment?

Honestly, I don't care about her. It's not her. As I told her, she is nothing special, just one of many.

I think it's more like I want to yell at my H and say "See how much you meant to her? She served you up on a platter to me, then got into a relationship immediately after, and you decided she was worth walking away from this marriage for?!"
But I won't. I won't. And this is a big change for me.

I'm busy living my life. I write here so I don't keep it bottled up and explode it out later.

[LIO]

Journaling: Contradictions or just seeing things?

Remember this?: "I was hung up on when I said I had an office space for him and that I would respect his boundaries if the door was closed (something I didn't do before). He said he was 'considering it'." from 6/29 post

He went in there last night, shut the door and did some work. I did not interrupt. He stayed the night (downstairs) a first in 1 month, and then after making S and I breakfast, he went back into the room this morning and shut the door (I did not interrupt). I kept my word. (180).

I've been keeping conversation down. My thoughts lately have been:
1) he has made his choice. I can't do anything about it.
2) he's an adult who can make decisions.
3) I find my mood changing when dealing with him - so now I try to smile internally before talking. That lifts my tone, and my mood so I don't go downhill too.


He's made some comments on Thursday to me about how I'm being nice to 'win' him back. I said I don't need to. I am who I am. This is me. I make mistakes - I know I'm 'needy' according to him. I don't hold grudges, and I forgive too much. But I like who I am. And quite frankly, there are other men who think I'm pretty great as I am. but I choose him because I think he is creative, funny, and generally pretty awesome (usually).

He came home that night. I have no expectations on how long *that* will last. He wanted to be intimate that night, and the morning after.

Today... I'm keeping my distance. Giving him space. Avoiding talking too much unless about house or son (like I've been working on) and not rushing (thank you Kat!) or volunteering info.

So in the meantime, I love sports and exercise, so I resumed a sports hobby of mine... and here is where possible dangerous ground comes in. There is a guy who is definitely interested in me. I thought at first he was just being nice... but no... he is very interested. (I'm looking around the room like 'who? me?' lol).

When I've gone through something like this before, I did not want H to feel threatened... I spoke highly of H to other men, I referenced him, brought H to events so I wouldn't be 'alone'. Basically avoiding any improper behavior or situations... I can see how easy it is to go down the 'affair' route... that's why I've empathized with H. I can see how easy flattery and attention can pave a road down that route.

If I live my life like H is not coming back, then does that mean I date? H has made it clear that I *chased* off his OW (umm....because being a 'wife' doesn't). I don't 'feel' right about that. I am a very loyal person, and I try to avoid situations like this...

[kat727]

There are different takes on this. Personally if you are married, up until the very end, you don't date. You are trying to save your marriage and that means staying in it.

I believe you stay on the path you are now. I believe he is curious as to why you are different. Stay focused, you and son and keep on with your life. He chose not to be there, why show your hand. He has work to do to get back into this marriage but don't expect him to run back in. Good for you, not rushing in when he showed you some positive attention.

Hang in there. kat

[LIO]

I am leaning that way Kat, I don't feel comfortable with the idea of dating because I don't think I would go back to H at that point. But... doesn't mean H needs to know either way (not volunteering this info).

[LIO]

Sigh....

We have a decent day - I received a upbeat call from him earlier in the day inviting me along with S to the waterpark. I go because we don't spend a lot of time together and it's the first time in a year he's asked me to go anywhere. I do not initiate conversation, and I play with S. I engage with H lightly and joking.

Received phone call tonight (I'm on 'dim' to him so no calls/texts/emails from me)
Paraphrasing some of it, but it's pretty accurate. I'm working on validating and not reacting emotionally. Any feedback? It's hard in the moment to stop and think first, but I tried...

Me (chipper): "Oh hi! How are you doing? (didn't wait for answer) You want to talk to S?"
H: "I need you to go fill in the paperwork tomorrow
Me: (kind of dumbfounded, I forgot what he was talking about for a second.) "You would like me to fill in the paperwork?
H: "Yes, I need you to go fill in the paperwork, it's been 3 months and it's due this week. Otherwise I'll have to pay money to have you served or to refile if it lapses. I feel like it's something still open and not done, and I want to streamline my life"
Me: "I understand, so me filling in the serving paperwork starting the divorce would help you streamline your life."
H: "Yes, It would allow me to move forward, we would be done by now if you did it before"
Me: "I understand, so by completing the divorce serving, it would give you more opportunities than you have experienced already"
H: "I'm already moving up in life, this would just streamline it so I don't need to be worried anymore. I don't understand why you are fighting this"
Me: "Worried about what?"
H: "the marriage, being married"
Me: "I see, being married is worrisome to you."
H: "if it turns out to be a big mistake [the divorce] after it's all done then we can just get back together again. I don't know why you are fighting this. I just want this to be done."
Me: (silently taking 10 breaths AND not saying what I was thinking.) Finally I say:
I am sorry if it seems like I am fighting this. I know that I was controlling a lot of the times, and I've been working really hard on not doing that. It [sux] because this is one of those things that I can see it 'appears' like I'm trying to be in control, when I am actually doing nothing because you deserve space to do whatever, figure out what you want for your life and if I fit into it or not or whatever you want to do with it."
H: "It's a little too late for that now (regarding the control part). I moved out, remember? I feel that you weren't good enough and it's time to accept that it's over and I don't know why you are fighting this, it's inevitable." And then more about him saying he will have me served and he doesn't want to embarrass me.
Me: "I can't tell you what to do here. I absolutely do not want you to feel trapped or like I'm forcing you to stay married. I can't make you love me, I can't make you stay. You moved out, I helped you. If you feel you want to serve me that's okay, I care more about how you are doing then me." (maybe not a good thing to say - the 'you weren't good enough comment made me stop)...

and so the conversation continues until he hangs up on me frustrated and angry because he doesn't understand why I am 'fighting' even though I'm really trying not to fight...


And quite frankly, I brought up the 'control' thing... but only because he mentioned it previously, so he must've felt like I did control things too much. Usually, it would be more like he would want to do something (grand plan) and i execute it. Or I would ask him a question on what he wanted to do, and he'd have no opinion "it doesn't matter" or "I don't know, whatever" and I'd have to make the decision and I'd say "okay, well, i guess we will go with x".

Anyway, I'm looking for feedback on how to handle these conversations and after. Do I act chipper tomorrow when I have to see him? "Good morning H, see you later!" as I walk out the door?

I was kind of proud that I was not too emotionally invested in it anymore (ie not freaking out), nor did I call him back when he hung up on me, and I didn't try to 'guess' what he will do next. I'll just deal with it then. This not 'reacting with emotions' is new to me.

[scaredsilly]

hi lio,
the only thing i might add is to tell him you are not fighting or controlling. you are just not helping (aiding, assisting, smoothing the way, etc.) and he will just have to do the work without your help.

it's funny how he says, "i need you to..." and expects you to meet his need. since he's "streamlining" his life now, he will have to find out what that means; he has no partner to help him and it's all on his shoulders.

[sweetbabyred]

Lio, our H's sound so similar. Mine has also told me we can see where life takes us and maybe we'll end up back together after the divorce.

I don't think he understands the amount of counseling we'd need for me to be able to trust a spouse who walked out on his marriage vows the first time to not do it again the second time around!

My H hasn't filed yet, and I've told him that I don't want a divorce, so he has to do all of the paperwork himself. I won't fight for anything, but I'm not going to help the process.

It's his choice if he wants to end it and he should have to deal with all of the hassle.

As SS said, your H doesn't want a partner anymore, so he should realize that streamlining his life means that he's responsible for all of it.

I'd act pleasant toward him, but I'm not sure if I'd go as far as being chipper. Then again, I'm not sure what to do with my own sitch,so you may not want to take advice from me!

[kat727]

You don't "need" to do this for him. He is too weak to do it himself. The alien speak about if we think we made a mistake getting divorced we can get back together is script for WAS. If that is the case, why not work it out now and save the expense.

I have told friends in the past, treat your H like the mailman. Just be cordial and not overly interested. You can do this.

kat

[LIO]

it's funny how he says, "i need you to..." and expects you to meet his need. since he's "streamlining" his life now, he will have to find out what that means; he has no partner to help him and it's all on his shoulders.

Very true. And very different for me to do. I 'want' to help him, but then again, that's a wife's job.

I have told friends in the past, treat your H like the mailman. Just be cordial and not overly interested. You can do this.

kat

Ok

Journaling and it seems an actual breakthrough (for me):
Yesterday, H called me to 'offer me a choice' be served by the Sheriff at work and be embarrassed, or have my parents serve me [um no my parents would not be involved]. I said "Well, honestly I'd prefer neither one and would like to give us some time to work through it, but I do appreciate that if this is what you really want, you following through and handling this instead of me having to take my time to take care of it. You will have to decide which one you want to do".

He was mad I didn't choose for him, and went in the Sheriff's Office when he called, but found out that it was too late for them to do it. He then told me he hated me, and wanted to get as far away from me as possible, and that if I didn't notice, he has cut me out of his life entirely (yes, in last 6 months). He feels lonely and has for 2 years and hasn't loved me for a long time (2 years he says), and wants a girlfriend so he doesn't feel lonely anymore and he can't date while he's married so he wants to take care of the 'legality' of it.

It's like he never remembers "ME". He is so easily able to forget me and 13 years.

He told me last night that he didn't want his parents codependent dysfunctional relationship. I agreed. I didn't want a push/pull manipulative relationship. Ironically, as I'm on the phone with him about it, it didn't occur to me then that this IS it. Him huffing off, me following. I once told him "Why is it that I have to ACT crazy in order for you to pay attention to me - I don't like it. I want to be able to tell you what is going on and we deal with it."
No response.

I know I can't 'make' him not feel lonely, I've offered him to take S over to his apartment over the weekends so H can have his space from me, but he still comes over...so far.

I am still keeping up on my GAL stuff, but I still haven't detached as much it seems. I saw his depression, the path it goes, and I see my inability to detach and I'm not 'helping' him by not allowing him to take this path fully. And it's just harder on me.

I get it now.

I am disheartened that I've wasted so much time. I still have hope, but 4 months of trying to figure this all out, being shut out, ignored, and slipping and not detaching as much as I should have. Emotional outbursts, too much conversation. And I realize I spend too much time analyzing. There really isn't much to figure out. It's he left, and me and S being at home and me making the most out of a situation that I didn't want, but can do. If H wanted to be here, he needs to figure out his own stuff on his own, and I can't keep assisting him in repeating his parents' marriage (at least with me that is!).

Thank you all for being patient with me. I appreciate all the encouraging words, and the words of wisdom given to me.
I love the feedback, it helped me stay sane in the last couple of months.

[LIO]

It's his choice if he wants to end it and he should have to deal with all of the hassle.

As SS said, your H doesn't want a partner anymore, so he should realize that streamlining his life means that he's responsible for all of it.

You are all right, I am fired from wife-role. So that means wife-role has to be filled in by him, or the sheriff or someone else.
When he goes on his next tirade about the papers, I will say (a bit wordy): "I respect that you want a divorce, however I am not in the position of doing the work in order for you to get it. My position is improving myself on what I've learned from this experience for happier marriage, and most importantly, for my own life." He can puff around all he wants then. My answer doesn't change.

I feel so much better after that last journal. Like a huge wave of peace just rolled over my previous pool of anxiety. I CAN do this!
I feel like I can be cordial now. Not emotionally driven.