Kevd111

[JustStunned]

I've read a lot through the forum, and I appreciate all that you are telling me. I've read the rules and understand the idea of detaching and getting my own life.


I have been accused of having all of the tact of a hand grenade and I’ll probably prove that again here so stand by.


I thought that since she had made mention of trying to work together to rebuild (slowly) I would try to nurture that by being available and ready to express affection. However, as I'm sure many of you would have predicted, she still feels the need to leave.


As long as you vacillate ready to catch your spouse when she falls she has little incentive to look within. As long as you are standing by to stand by little progress will be made. Progress will be made when she decides to make progress. Do not wait for her. Lead. Show her you are the man she would be a fool to leave. Show her what she has placed at risk. Do not make ultimatums; do not tell her, show her through consistent actions.



Her latest comments are that she hasn't had a chance to live and that she feels like she's missed out so much on life. Does this sound more like a MLC vs. WAW deal or do they actually have some overlapping aspects? I know the way to treat them is the same.

This is script. MLC or WAW does not matter they both express this. What is important here is what you do

What hurt the most is when I asked if her 'living life' meant exploring things with other men, and she said yes.

IMO if this was something you could survive with you would not be here. IMO This is not negotiable. Turn this around start thriving. I am not suggesting an OW. I am suggesting change that brings out your happiness, your confidence, your swagger. What can you do that makes you excited about living without neglecting the kids? Note I did not include her in this question. Your changes must be for you, not to attract her. If they attract her it is a side benefit.

Makes me feel broken - as if I'm not good enough any more and that can really hurt. I've given my life to her and she is ready to throw it away, devastate our two children (10,8), and seek out some life she felt was denied.

Of course it does. These feelings are normal. It is what you do with them that matters. Use them to motivate your change. You are not responsible for her feeling this way do not accept this responsibility.

Currently she blames me for keeping her down, and that [censored]. Before that it was the house we had so we ended up moving to a nice new one since she felt she'd be happy there.

I ended up here too. I attempted to placate an unhappy spouse with a new house, new cars, trips to the Caribbean, Europe, RV travel across the US and in the end when all these things did not make her happy I was left as the source of her unhappiness.

Do not follow this path. Lead elsewhere. Where is for you to decide. There is no magic bullet I can suggest as you know your sitch better than anyone here, Certainly better than me. If you haven’t already run across this truism “This is a marathon not a sprint”

All in all, I think it is SHE who has caused her own unhappiness, but we'll see if MC can help bring that about. They have already told me that they want to see her alone for a while next session.

^^^^ truth, only if the MC perceives this


I guess my theme is that the prescribed methods here are easier said than done sometimes. I have been running and I'm at the lowest weight I've been since college. I've started writing again, and have rediscovered my joy of reading. I'm taking the kids places like on hikes and out to play tennis. That's all great and I feel great about my self improvement. However, we all live in the same home, and at times I feel such a crushing sadness I have to let loose. I usually am able to escape somewhere by myself, but at times she catches me. She tries to console me, and the irony of her trying to console me when she is the source of my pain is not lost on me. I do wish I had a shoulder to cry on, and it [censored] that I cannot go to my wife of 11 years for comfort.

Any thoughts on how to handle weaker moments while all living in the same home. Recall I just can't up and leave for great lengths of time with two kids that need supervision.

This is always a lot of work, change always is and it is always easier said than done.

Congratulation on beginning, endorphins are a big part of my coping method and spending quality time with the kids is stellar. When you can edit your sig put their ages in.

Some of us used private rooms to vent and cry, the shower is common.

If you haven’t reviewed this active thread No More LRT, but slow progress please do so. There is gold here, some of which is applicable to your sitch as I perceive it.

[Kevd111]

Thanks again Cadet. I guess I really need validation that it's not all just on me as she is trying to portray it now. She thought a new house 3 years ago would bring her happiness. Before that it was spending that was a problem. Now, it's me that has kept her down and I've not been enough fun. I feel broken and even worthless at this. How can the person I've given my life to for 12 years lose the feeling. I guess it has been a long time in the making.

I know marriages aren't perfect, and I'm willing to take ownership of times when I could have spent time with her but chose work or could have taken her places but opted out when she insisted on bringing the children (we have not spent an overnight without children since our honeymoon - and she lobbied to take her 9-year-old son on that).

I can see my mistakes there, but don't feel it's fair for her to put it all on me. I know that I should believe nothing what she says, but it cuts deeply to hear that she'd want to pursue other men as part of her 'freedom'. I don't think I could take her back after that if she should ever look for it.

The kids are the biggest factor. I really do have a very special bond with both of them to a point where I honestly think my 10-year-old daughter would want to be with me over her mother. If she breaks up this family so she can go out and 'live with freedom' I don't know if I can forgive her after I have to look at the faces of my children.

Regardless, you are correct in that she has guilt and that is why she tries to comfort. Should I turn down all efforts for her to give me a hug or if she grabs my hand? I intend to stay as positive as possible, but the deep sadness is hard to hide. When I feel this way, should I just find some way to get out of the house or something?

[LostIn407]

We have very similar situations. W says the spark is gone, we never did anything.

I am getting really good advice on my thread. I am having a hard time following it because of fear, but the information there is gold.

It is almost like the WAS go on a script. Almost everything your W has said, my W said. A lot the things you have done, I have done.

Here are the things I would concentrate on:
GAL
180s
Children

This is the part that is going to hurt. You have to give her space. What you think is going to happen probably will. My W wanted space. Wanted her own apartment. I gave it to her. I failed here. Not only did I give her space, I funded it for a month and a half. Do not do that. She is a big girl. She can find her own place.

My W and OM were at a '6' on a scale when the bomb dropped. She got the apartment and it shot up to a '10'. I was crushed. I told her I didn't appreciate it and told her we were separating bank accounts, bills, etc. Told her not to talk to me again until he was gone. It stayed near '10' with the OM for a bit.

But slowly she started to respect my wishes. He wasn't around my Ds. They started to spend less time together. From talking to her and others, I would say they are in the '1' to '3' range right now. Not the '0' I want.


Point is, you need to decide right now if you can forgive her. If you can't, then you need to DB/DR to prevent her from going out to 'live her freedom'.

"How can the person I've given my life to for 12 years lose the feeling. I guess it has been a long time in the making."

Very true. I thought it was only in the making since we moved last year. From speaking with her, it has been on her mind for quite some time.

She has a huge headstart on you in this. You are going to be playing catchup for a long time. Stick to the 37 Rules and you can makeup this time. Backslide and you lose time.

[Kevd111]

And thanks to you, stunned, for your commentary as well. Sorry, must have been writing my own at the same time.

So I'm up on the strats, I'm feeling good knowing that my mindset HAS changed. In a way it was a learning experience in that I need to live too and nobody ever put how many hours they worked on their gravestone. It would be a tragedy indeed if my wife misses out on this because our marriage has the chance to not only survive but to THRIVE and be even better than it was. If the choice is made to leave, I will make someone an excellent boyfriend/husband down the road (might be too scared about marriage at this point).

At least I like to think so. Despite knowing the logic of the situation it is still a hard thing to hear when someone you love says the don't love you back. It's one thing if it was a college romance or something, but I've never had this much invested before. Self esteem has been an issue here for sure, and I really am getting tired of the sadness.

Thanks again for the words you've written and the acceptance into this forum.

[Kevd111]

Lost, thanks for sharing in your circumstance. I've read so many other threads that I bet I came across yours.

The OM thing is tough for me. I don't know if I can forgive that. I have had opportunities in the past to explore this route where OW have made it known that they would be interested, but I never even considered given my family and what we've built. This act of hers seems just so selfish and self-serving that I really don't know if my bitterness would wane.

I also am unsure if I can forgive her the devastation it will take on my kids (D10, S8) if we have to tell them. I think you mentioned you have children, and if you don't mind sharing what sort of toll and reactions has this ordeal had on them?

In the end, if your wife comes back and admits she was wrong and tells you that she is willing to try to piece the marriage back together, do you think you'd be able to do that?

[Kevd111]

Quick help if anyone is on now. Wife just texted me that she misses talking with me (I don't call her or send her notes from work any more, and I've been doing my own thing at home). Then said she's with the kids at our lake.

Do I reply? Do I tell her she can talk to me if she needs something? Do I just say hope you are having fun and I'll see you later? What sort of tact to I take here?

[LostIn407]

"I hope you are having fun and I'll see you later" would do just fine. Don't reply too soon. Give it some time.

My friend told me that my W was just "checking her position" when she would reach out to me. My friend has been the OM to many. She is going to see where you are, then move away again. Just wants to make sure you are still there. Make sure she still has some hooks in you. Don't be rude, just don't respond right away and don't leave it open ended.


I have three daughters (3, 4 and 13). D3 and D4 haven't been affected at all. I don't think they even know we aren't together. D4 was very happy when W came in with her suitcase before on trip. She said "Mama is moving home!". I don't see any signs of stress. They are happy to go to W apartment and are happy when I pick them up.

D13 took it bad. Begged me to keep seeing her mom and going on dates with her. D13 is my W's daughter, but I have raised her since she was 4, so she is mine too. D13 asks me questions a lot. Asks if we are getting back together. Fills me in on the gossip she hears about W and OM. D13 refused to go to W on her days for a couple of weeks until I made her. But D13 is also a teenager so she is acting differently regardless. She is pushing her limits right now.

[LostIn407]

"In the end, if your wife comes back and admits she was wrong and tells you that she is willing to try to piece the marriage back together, do you think you'd be able to do that?"

Yes, I would. But it would take time to rebuild the trust. My W has apologized for what happened. My W has admitted it was a mistake. My W just hasn't ended it completely which upsets me more each day.

The longer she continues to have OM around, the less likely I would be to forgive.

[Kevd111]

Lost - thanks so much for the speedy reply and good advice. I was going to put in there something along the lines of "if you need something you can still talk to me", but I can see where that would be a re-affirmation that I am there for her if she needs the safety net. So how long would be a good period before replying?

I am a bit encouraged that she would write something like that, but I'm not going to get too carried away.

I am sorry that your 13-year-old is stuck in the middle. It is hard ENOUGH to be 13 without having to deal with that. My 10-year-old daughter (11 in Sept) and I have a very special bond. She's not quite on the spectrum but has shown some signs of Asperger's and at times I am the only one who can console her when she needs it. I fear for her if she has to hear that I'll not be there 24/7.

[LostIn407]

How quickly do you normally respond? Does your W know that you are able to respond quickly? Hour is fine.

Resist any urge to send a message that would require or entice a reply. Make her come to you. If you send her a text that is open-ended, how are you going to feel when the W takes a long time to respond? Do that to her.