P called a couple days later when she had more info about the winter gig. She had enough info that we could start thinking about some details: travel, vehicles, timing, etc.
She said she was just brainstorming ideas, but maybe we could drive down separately. She'd like to have two vehicles there so one of us (her) could take separate day trips and the other wouldn't be stranded. And we wouldn't have to be together 24/7.
She really wants to spend Christmas with her daughter (right near the winter gig and before it starts). She said it more than once and I did indicate that I heard her. There was no indication whether or not I was invited and I couldn't immediately think of a way to ask for clarification without injecting some awkwardness.
She had been planning on coming here to help with some projects in September. Now she has an offer of a bit of work. She'd like to, but she told them she's going to help her friend in September. Friend!
So, in the midst of discussing these hugely positive opportunities for engagement, my brain is hung up on all the little details of distancing. And I get that I'm hypersensitive to indicators of distance.
Pia says we have to celebrate the nos. And it's true. A big reason I'm here is that P spent a lot of time not paying attention to or asking for what she wants. So, I'm grateful when she's paying attention, discerning and verbalizing what she wants. So, instead of silently freaking out, I need to be more proactive about encouraging and validating.
I got over a significant hurdle in the bathroom project yesterday, so that felt good. I'd like to say that it's all downhill from here, but really it's just one hurdle after another.
Hi SD, Congrats on triumphing over that bathroom hurdle.
I find it so interesting that you have this project in her absence and have the space to think about and deal with your internal dialogue.
It seems as if I see that all over the board today, the differences between the situation itself and the internal dialogue we create about ourselves, our R and our S.
It seems like you are taking big steps in awareness...now the next part, what to do.. that is where I get stuck.
I wonder if your inner dialogue is a defense of sorts, if it weren't there about W, what would you think and feel?
I wondered something when I read your post... I notice how quickly you transitioned from your success in the project to looking at the other hurdles... do you give yourself credit? do you allow yourself to enjoy the successes and to appreciate your skills? (i, for one, would never even attempt what you are doing.)
Happy 4th! Hope you have something fun planned!
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
About the project - I am worried about it coming out okay. Perhaps it's that pessimistic attitude. No matter how many hurdles I successfully jump, I could always bungle it up on the last one, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed until it's really safely done.
It's my general preference for being pleasantly surprised rather than having my bubble burst. I need to look at that. It sounds perfectly reasonable when I say that, but P considers it a negative attitude and it sounds like you're hearing some Eeyore in there, too.
Good point about the busy inner dialog. Clearly more meditation is in order. And I need to remind myself of my calming, detaching mantras. I'm jealous of your sticky notes around the house. I have a housemate so I can't imagine doing that.
You mentioned the inner dialog as a defense. I'm definitely going to do more thinking about that. Initially, I'm wondering if some of this internal struggle is the conflict between wanting to set myself up to be pleasantly surprised (pessimism) and my desire(/need/desperation born of addiction!!!) for hope in the situation. Well, that will keep me busy while I'm tiling!
By the way, jumped a rather major hurdle yesterday when I figured out how to cut a piece of marble for the shampoo shelf. My friend who has every tool on the planet really does have every tool on the planet!
A 2x4 from a local friend reminded me of the mantras I used right after the bomb: "I'm not pining. I'm moving on with my life." Very helpful. With my focus readjusted, last night's lengthy weekly phone call with P was more relaxed and pleasant.
More dates with Pia, as I'm on the road again. That's always helpful, too.
hey SD, i noticed you posted on zig's thread and wondered how you are doing. are you still on the road? hope you are well. love the mantra you mentioned above and think i will use that one myself today. (((( ))))
Me(f): 51 W: 41 DP:8 M:3 T:10 "W not happy" 7/11 D final: 8/13
Well, it's been ages since I've updated. Things have been pretty quiet. I'm almost done with the bathroom and rarely struggle with resentment about it.
P's calls to chat are more like two weeks apart. In the middle of one, she blurted out that she had bought a house. I get the feeling that she's limiting what she tells me because she's trying to protect my feelings. But then she'll need a favor (me digging up papers about the land she's trying to sell - the land where we were going to build a house) and seem very tentative, apologetic, and grateful when I come through.
Sometimes I've had a run of grumpy thoughts about her. Recently, I've been missing her more. She's supposed to come back in September to help with the roof. As that approaches, a lot of feelings are coming up. And hopes. And we all know that it's a slippery slope into expectations. Ugh.
I've been thinking that I'd like to get my goals into focus. Why is that so hard?
The personal ones are easy enough to lay out, but the R related ones are a big challenge. I might have to join Zig's workshop!
One thing I'm thinking is that when P is here, I need to be diligent in practicing those internal boundaries. Listen and observe, evaluate and either respond or, more likely, STFU as appropriate.
Last time, I got progressively more stressed out by unmet expectations and did not sit quietly with my discomfort. I'd like to be able to be consistently calm and warm (lovingly detached), regardless of whether I'm getting what I want from P at any given time.
I want to have some good mantras in place for times when irritation arises in me or in P. Maybe that old standby, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I guess it would work to tell myself that, too. Ha!
yes it has been ages since you updated - so it's good to hear from you:)
As that approaches, a lot of feelings are coming up. And hopes. And we all know that it's a slippery slope into expectations. Ugh.
september is a few weeks away - i think that coming over and setting some personal goals for yourself and VERY specific ones for the r, would do you a lot of good. especially the r ones. because then youcan focus just on those, and there will be less liklihood that you will go down that slippery slope.
besides you will help me out too because 1. i get to practice and 2. i'll make some along with you that are very specific
we can work on what your expectations could be when she's here, and then you cold stick only to those. and also lay out very concretely what your actions will be for different circumstances so you feel that you are on sure ground when the time comes
as for having mantras in place - even though you can't sticky them all over the house,- you can sticky them all over your mind.
Maybe that old standby, "I'm sorry you feel that way." I guess it would work to tell myself that, too.
stubborn - i know you were sort of joking in a self-deprecating way, but after the third time i read that - i thought - that's brilliant - it's actually very very self-validating!!
i'm going to try that on myself, next time i feel like shite . so thanks for this!!
(((((( )))))) ^^^ this is a feel better hug
zig
me 46 H 38 M10yrs T 11 S10 BD ow 8/11 h filed 9/25/12
"if i could define enlightenment briefly, i would say it is the quiet acceptance of what is"
because 1. i get to practice and 2. i'll make some along with you that are very specific
. so thanks for this!!