That's really hard, Tinman! But congratulations on making it thus far.
I've only had one day where H didn't contact me & it nearly killed me (last week)! But the other two times he didn't contact me (in three months) I gave in and texted him. So I was proud of the one day!
But you've gone three days! Remember what jks said on her thread. "I can do hard things!" and you can!!!
I'm impressed with the bike riding. I do 8 miles twice a week & 18 on Sunday. You do 32? that's awesome. I used to cry on my rides but it's getting easier & now I enjoy it.
Hang in there!
Me54/H47 '08 H is "done" March '12 H moved out Brink of D, December '12 2014 totally reconciled! ...... "I firmly believe in the...absolute possibility of marriage renewal." Jim Conway
Thanks RachingHigher, About 30 min after I posted yesterday my W called. She made mention that she was craving sushi and asked me if I wanted to join her. So we went out for sushi and then went to see a movie. She wanted to sneak some Seagram’s in to mix with diet coke. So drinks with sushi and then the Seagram’s at the theater I was a bit snookered. I am not a big drinker and have not been like that in a very long time so maybe that was my 180 for the day? Cheap date I know. Lucky she was driving. Anyway, it was a decent night. Then to end the night she text me and said “thanks for the fun evening!” to which I responded “It was fun! Thanks and I still miss you but I guess I better get used to it. Take care love of my life!” I then text her and thanked her for being such a good mother to the kids and sorry I failed her and that the room was spinning” to which she responded “focus on the light… it helps!” So yes drinking and texting are not a smart combination and unfortunately there is no way to take that back. The evening left me wanting more and a little sad at how distant she was at times. I just wish there was something to push me one way or the other. Like if I found out she was dating I think that would be enough for me to end things and move on. We have only been married for a short time and only known each other three years, we don’t have kids together (mine are very much attached to her and I love hers but her boys are not nearly as attached to me as my girls are to her). So I guess it would be easier for me to walk away than to simply sit in this limbo hell I am in, however, I truly think that we were, and could be again, very wonderful together. I know any day she is going to come over and ask me to sign official separation papers and I keep thinking that would be a fair time to ask for some sort of guidance or timeframe or something. Any thoughts on what if anything to say or just keep my mouth shut and my texting separate from my alcohol!
Off for a bike ride, only thing keeping me sain right now and not sure it is doing such a good job at that.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
So my W posted on facebook "Family is not always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theres; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and that love you no matter what" It has been another 3 days with no contact until I called and left a voice mail a few hours ago. She is taking the state lisence test for Psycology so I called her and said "I just wanted to call cause tomorrow is a big day for you but I know you will do great! Not that you need any but good luck tomorrow. Take care"
Her post makes me feel so bad. I am sure I should not read into it but I so want to be the one to make her smile:-(
Am I reading too much into this?
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
So my W posted on facebook "Family is not always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theres; the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile and that love you no matter what"
Sigh....
Look Tinman....
Her choice is to leave the marriage....
And UNTIL SHE CHANGES HER MIND....
Her choice will remain to leave the marriage...
I would expect that the reason her comments hurt so much, is because you see your failures in her words.
Is she right ?
Is that why it hurts ?
One of the reasons that DB doesn't support snooping, is because of the hurt that usually comes along with it.
Don't touch the hot stove....OUCH Don't touch the hot stove....OUCH Don't touch the hot stove....OUCH Don't touch the hot stove....OUCH
Had enough ????
Stop touching that hot stove...
Quote:
It has been another 3 days with no contact until I called and left a voice mail a few hours ago. She is taking the state lisence test for Psycology so I called her and said "I just wanted to call cause tomorrow is a big day for you but I know you will do great! Not that you need any but good luck tomorrow. Take care"
Her post makes me feel so bad. I am sure I should not read into it but I so want to be the one to make her smile:-(
Am I reading too much into this?
She didn't post it to make you feel bad....I can assure you that.
Why is everything about you ?
What YOU want...
What YOU need...
What YOU feel...
What about what YOU can blindly give ?
Oh, and Tinman.....
Maybe you should oil your jaws a little less...????
Mach1, Getting it slowly. Don't touch the hot stove! I did not consider the Facebook thing snooping. We both do the FB games and she sends game requests and vies versa and when she posts something it shows up on my cover just as when I post it shows up on hers.
As far as her post goes I am guessing it was more directed at her family, letting them know that her group of friends is more her family than they are. I did feel bad after reading it, mostly because I use to be the one she counted on to make her smile and now I have been replaced.
Maybe it would be better to simply not go on facebook. It's just been one of the few things that we are still a bit connected on. Hanging onto threads of what once was and hoping for what could be...
Very sad!! Little less oil and multiple cans for STFU.
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Mach1, Getting it slowly. Don't touch the hot stove! I did not consider the Facebook thing snooping. We both do the FB games and she sends game requests and vies versa and when she posts something it shows up on my cover just as when I post it shows up on hers.
As far as her post goes I am guessing it was more directed at her family, letting them know that her group of friends is more her family than they are. I did feel bad after reading it, mostly because I use to be the one she counted on to make her smile and now I have been replaced.
Maybe it would be better to simply not go on facebook. It's just been one of the few things that we are still a bit connected on. Hanging onto threads of what once was and hoping for what could be...
Very sad!! Little less oil and multiple cans for STFU.
For me....Snooping can be different things.
Let me ask you this....
Do you look at your Facebook, and deliberately search through and read her posts ? Hoping for an inside shot to be that special person in her life ?
If you do, then it can be considered snooping. But that is just me.
Point is....YOU are the one inflicting that pain onto yourself. You can't blame her for feeling what she feels, and you can't hold that against her. Is it true ? Maybe not, although it is HER truth right now.
It may not always be her truth, just for now ? It is....
IF it hurts you ??
Then don't do it....
Which one were you missing ?
The heart ?
Brain ?
Courage ?
I don't think any of them, although you could be the Scarecrow at times...
: )
Stop and think for a while, on whether or not your words and actions are bringing you closer to your goals, or driving you away from them before you speak or act.
SIAS is also correct on the expectations....
As long as YOU can smile through contact, and not do any further damage, then contact is fine...
It is all about your tolerance of pain.
For now, that contact seems to be more painful , than helpful...
Thanks sayitaintso, It is a struggle for me as I am not sure what she wants or needs. I hear the advice on here to give her space and I have been doing that, even though it is difficult. Part of my difficulty is that my W does not believe that I love her, she thinks that I only loved what she could do for me and my kids. She has been amazing and yes I took advantage of her kindness (not purposely) by letting her do too much for us emotionally, and for that I am truly sorry. She thought she could make everything with the crazy ex all better and I let her try. She has reshaped my daughter’s lives and shown them what a real mother could be like. She gave of herself without getting what she needed from me. She wanted to be appreciated and loved for who she was and while I tried the best way I knew how, I did not give her what she needed. After reading the 5 love languages I feel like my eyes have been opened to what she really needed from me. If only I had read that book and understood before she decided she was Done.
For the first few months I was in a very dark place trying to figure out how to save my marriage and prove to my W that she is it for me. Add to that the initial crying, begging, groveling and playing the role of door mat. So yes I am sure I have lost the respect of my W but at the same time I feel like I need to be there for her to try and prove my love to her. My W is so worth fighting for, I just need her to be willing to stand in my corner again.
In the last few weeks I feel like I am in a better place. I have been keeping busy getting my life together, trying to be someone only a fool would leave. I have been reading every book possible, reading and writing posts on this form. One of the biggest helps has been the feedback I get from Mach1, labug, you and a few others. I go back and read the posts and yes sometimes I see that I am making the same mistake over and over. It is a struggle for sure.
I was not going to say anything to her about her test but I wanted to let her know that I knew it was a big day for her and let her know I was pulling for her.
Did I expect anything back from my call last night? Not really but sure was hopeful to make a small connection. She did text me but was pretty short and said she was very busy. She does not think she can pass the test today and is concerned.
Going over to an old friend’s house tonight to hang out so that should be a nice change of pace. Thanks again for the comments, I can’t tell you how helpful they are and what a relief it is to hear how bad I messed up this time
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
Yes, I do look at her facebook. I will sometimes even look at her photos. She has only ever posted one photo of the two of us on her facebook and once in a while when I feel down I check to see if that photo is still there. It is however she has hidden her relationship status. So yes I see your point and yes it would be snooping.
I would say I am missing all three most of the time.
I would also agree that most of the time I am dealing with self inflicted pain and that contact with her can be difficult. Even when it has been a wonderful time I go home and feel pain because there I am home alone wishing to be holding her in my arms and wondering if that will ever happen again.
I need to keep working on myself and try and be stronger and less of a snoop. Thanks for the kick in the pants:-)
M-45 W-44 2D - 11&13 2SS - 11&17 Married 10/10/10 Bomb 3/5/12 Moved 5 houses away 4/20/12 Back together 9/12 Seperated 6/13 Divorce Final 11/13/13
