New to DB 3

[bustingout]

Time for a new thread. Still feel new to DB, so there it is.

Off to airport to go to Germany in about an hour.

Feeling anxious as Germany is H's territory.

Kids wanted to speak to him this morning ( its been over a week again) so I called.

I just don't want to engage with him. Wait....I really really want to engage him, talk to him, tell him things about what's been going on with the kids, my life etc. I still miss him as my H and my best friend. What's wrong with me?

So because I want to engage with him so badly, I don't. And I still come across as distant and friendly, but it feels cold to me. And I don't trust him. When I called all I could think was that he was sitting next to the OW and I hated him for bringing him into our lives and talking to her about my kids and even me.

I want to almost test the waters, but am too cowardly to do that. He is so friendly and I hate that because he must think 'oh everything is great now, wife just needs time to deal' and he is just living his life with his stupid low life OW.

I am so mad right now. Am so mad mad mad at it all.

How can I keep the road home smooth and paved if he is in such la la land? How do you do it??? Do I try and engage with him and see what happens??? He asked me to call when we are in transit. God I feel all over the place. I definitely need more NC to work on myself.

I see him in eight days.

[bustingout]

First thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2245888#Post2245888

Second thread

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2253436&page=1

[zig]

hi busting - the anger only eats at you - think of it that way - that you are giving him that power.

it's counter-intuitive but when you work through it and decide that you'll let the anger go and face and deal with the hurt behind it, magical things happen for you - suddenly you feel much more empowered. it doesn't happen overnight and it doesn't happen all at once - but almost in little dribbles. but each little bit you let go off - gives you that tiny bit of empowerment itself.

the coaches advice to literally forget about ow, and act as if she doesn't exist, and then interact with your h - i think can change the dynamics a bit more between the 2 of you

When I called all I could think was that he was sitting next to the OW and I hated him for bringing him into our lives and talking to her about my kids and even me.

actually when you called, and stayed in that state of mind, all you did was not take the opportunity for yourself to have a positive interaction with him. and that's a lot of assuming - about him talking to her about you and the kids.

also, i can't help thinking (because i did it myself continually for months - that you were upset what he didn't call for a week. h has done that with s and me here - and i would feel so hurt for s. finally just a few weeks ago i made a conscious decision that i just wasn't going to see it that way any more and just accept that h was h and he wasn't going to call everyday to talk to s and i didn't need to see that behavior as something negative. and funnily - it took a lot of stress and negative feelings away)

take your mind off it - and if you feel scared to test the waters - that's just your intuition saying it's not time yet- you're not ready.

maybe taking your mind off the whole thing and just having fun will actually do you some good - in the way that it will give you a rest. i have noticed that i am always in the worst state when i try too hard - when this sort of strong thing comes up in me and i feel like, oh gosh if i don't do something, this will all go to [censored]. i have to do something right now to show me that something is working.

those are the times when everything gets bad - my h withdraws, i am a mess etc etc

the times where i just give up - probably mainly from the exhaustion of trying - are the times when something positive happens, no matter how small.

have you gone to germany for a holiday? i hope so. you are lucky that you get to go to another place - out of the place where everything reminds you of h, at home. choose not to see it as his territory. MAKE IT YOURS - and make it a point to defiantly have fun the entire time, so that when you see him in 8 days, you will have SO MUCH fun stuff to tell him about that you won't be able to cover it all.

shift your perspective away - you can do it

frankly i'm thinking to myself - busting needs to take that anger she is feeling now and turn it into a little bit of defiance - defiantly prove to yourself that despite what your h is doing you are going to be a bit spiteful and have fun anyway!!

oh and by the way - even if you don't realize it - you have made great progress!. in spite of what i have written above , you're in a way better place than you were before - you have shifted up from despair and fear to anger and now you can go a tiny bit further by getting defiant - and while you are defiantly having fun - you'll suddenly noticed that you are having happy moments. so use that anger - not to fall back into despair but to propel you upwards towards something more positive

have a grand old time and tell us everything that you do - and remember that we are all here sending you big hugs.

zig

[bustingout]

Zig I am about to board flight to Germany and just read your post. I am going to cry from the amount of support and kindness and love ... I will respond in
Much more detail later after I arrive.

But for now thank you.

And yes I plan to have FUN. And yes forget about her

Big hugs from across the sea


((( )))

[vera be fierce]

Busting have a peaceful flight! I agree with zig - you have come so far from when you first arrived here! You can do it!

[bustingout]

Zig-

First of all please let me thank you for coming to be rescue so quickly. I was really mad. I don't know why it hit me so hard. 

Second- our flight was diverted and we ended up spending the night in Frankfurt before getting to hamburg. Ugh. So a little frazzled but good. 

Whats coming up is a long one. 

Cheryl said the same thing to me act like OW is not there. And I know its so that my interactions with H can be more fun, flirtatious and friendly. 

I didn't lose control with him but when we hung up I didn't leave the conversation thinking 'yes I was in control and I feel positive'. I want to try and act like OW not there, but I am scared. 

I know I need to still work though a lot of anger at what has happened. I am , really, letting go of so much that I held on to. But i guess there was a lot. 

Yesterday I realised just how unhappy I was with me for so long...I did not like me.and the night...the night that was the start of our breakdown...

i remember H telling me that he thought OW was the only person he could speak to and vice versa. I lashed out ...I reacted in a way that I thought was 'normal', threatened him, yelled, cried, screamed, said How unfair it all was, I even tried to hit him I was so hurt ad angry. 

I was sure I was the victim. The victim. He apologised and said he had been acting out of hurt. And i did not listen. That's when he then moved out of the bedroom and the rest is history.

Today I realised that He was telling me something. He was hurting. I wasn't listening. Instead I made it about ME.I expected him to fix it. To apologise, make amends, etc. I was so clueless. I didn't see that he felt like a Victim. He felt betrayed and lost and unloved and insecure. He was confused. And i Did not see, let alone acknowledge any of that. 

And I realise things like this and it hurts so much. I am able to accept my responsibility in the destruction of this M, but the consequences are so much to bear sometimes.

 I look at my kids...I feel so guilty. And I want to fix it. I want to tell H all that have been learning, how I have started to grow how it CAN be different. I want him to come back home to his children so at least that wound can be sealed and then we can deal with our R. I want a chance to love in the way I am finally starting to see needs to be.

But I know that is not realistic. 

 And then I hear him on the phone and get those stupid thoughts in my head about Ow and him being so happy and I get mad. Ad I remember that I probably lost my chance. And I realise how much I contributed to my children living without their father. 

Like I said I want to engage with him. But to be honest I am afraid. H has rejected me so much, been so damn cold and mean at times, I am afraid to go back there. I have been that fool for a long time. 

And on the other hand i want to DB properly. 

So where does that lead me? Like zig said, trying too hard at times. 

I am so afraid to be myself because I don't know who that is yet. 
and even though I know the kind of woman I want to be, I do not yet trust myself with my new found knowledge and changes...what if i go back to what I was? What if.....he was right about me? 

I want to have fun in Germany now. Am so excited actually,  we all love it there. And i want to be able to show that to H when he comes because it is his territory, his family's house  ( that we all inherited when his father passed away).

 It's such a special place for us all. And for me and H. 


GAL alert! I decided to leave germany in ten days to go to the uk for three days ( leave the kids with H!) and attend my friends 50th bday party/20 year wedding anniversary party! 

I see so many of you that have been here for at least a year if not more. I am an infant in that sense. I guess a part of me was hoping that after almost two years in my sitch I would be removed from the pain still. From the emotion. That the hole in my heart would not feel so empty.

 I thought once I made the decision to Stop doing what I was doing in the past ( after finding DB) and to go NC, to really preform some 180's in the way i interact with him, I thought my heart would follow much more quickly.

Zig you are right, part of me was upset that it had been over a week since he had spoken to the children again. I have stopped facilitating his relationship with the kids for the past 6 weeks now. But it hurts, and I know you know what I mean. 

And I will admit, a part of me was still wondering if he misses me at all. Ugh. I know I have to stop. 

On a final note..... Yes...I panicked. what if what i am doing is NOT working? Maybe I should be doing something else...do what works? But I don't know how to measure it. Is what I am doing working? Working for whom? For me? But arn't I also trying to see what works for reconciling M?. I feel confused. Should I try and engage with him, or am I just panicky because I am reading  other people' threads? 

But a part of me also feels like if I don't engage him he will forget me or not have a chance to see the improving me ( especially since we haven't really seen each other for the better part of 4 months).

 like if I don't engage him the few times on the phone or the brief moments we now see each other, he will think I am just being standoffish and covering up unspoken emotions. 

I don't want him to think of me like that anymore. I don't want him to deal with me like he has pity on me because he has moved on and is so happy and I am left behind. I don't want him to think I am just being passive aggressive. 

 I am not that person anymore. 

[needgrace]

hugs to you dear busting.

perhaps the reason if feel so big and scary right now is that you are about to see him. so you are scared, nervous and excited all at once too and that can feel so overwhelming..

you were so so strong in Dubai, i so admired the cool, calm way you managed that trip, and you carry that SAME strength with you to Germany.. please, please remind yourself of that.

this trip is another opportunity to grow, to showcase the new Busting.. remember how great it felt to handle Dubai so well, to change the tone of your interactions w/ H and to hear him change his responses in recent conversations.

in the M, in the break-up, dear Busting, I believe that you did the best that you could... please don't continue to beat yourself up, it does not help and is not fair...

I do the same, but when I stop and look at it more realistically, I believe that the MLCer (I read that you believe your H is an MLCer too) is on a path that none of us can stop, even if we had the patience and spirit of a saint..

i believe that we can keep the path back smooth and we can clear up our side...but beyond that it is their path..

that is scary too, i know..

one thing that helps me is to to try to keep my thoughts in the present and being the best me in the moment...and not try and guess what the future holds. some moments i succeed and some i don't.. but the seed is planted for me to stay more and more in the present and to worry less.

AND...

we will be there with you in spirit, your journey has become ours too and we are cheering you on in our hearts, knowing that YOU can do this, YOU are strong enough, that YOU Busting continue to show us, day after day, a woman that he would be a fool to lose.

((( )))

[roughenough]

Hi bustingout,

I havent read every one of your posts but one of your recent ones really made sense. BTW,I just noticed we’ve been with our spouses the same amount of time and our kids are almost identical in age.

Anyway, when you made the comment about calling and wondering if there’s OW sitting right by him, I understand completely. I feel the same way when I call (expect I wonder if it’s OM). I don’t know about you but I always try and make my necessity calls when the likelihood of OW/OM would most likely not be around.

The “distant and friendly” comment is spot on, it resonated with me. That’s probably good though, I think that’s part of DB’ing. I know EXACTLY what you mean!

Being mad? I sort of understand, it’s natural. I try not to get mad because I know it does me know good. I am in this sitch and I have to deal with it!

Maybe I am not as mad because I can’t confirm OM is in the picture. I feel there’s a high probability but no concrete proof. Who knows, if I find out about something I am wondering if it will change the dynamics about how I feel. (I am sure it probably would).

Anyway, I understand your pain. It’s sooooo hard. I hope everything works out for the best. I can tell your family means everything to you, I understand. It sounds like your doing so many of the right things.

roughenough

Me(M):37
W:42
Together: 14 Married: 11
D: 4 S:8
W wanted separation 5/5/12
Stopped living together 5/5/12
Currently in DB stage

“Nothing can stop the man with the right mental attitude from achieving his goal; nothing on earth can help the man with the wrong mental attitude”.
Thomas Jefferson

[LITB]

Cheryl said the same thing to me act like OW is not there. And I know its so that my interactions with H can be more fun, flirtatious and friendly.

You know this, so keep working. It will eventually get to the point that it will just come naturally to you.

I didn't lose control with him but when we hung up I didn't leave the conversation thinking 'yes I was in control and I feel positive'. I want to try and act like OW not there, but I am scared.

Try not to dissect every interaction with your H. It takes too much time and energy.

Like J3B said in your bootcamp thread, there isn’t a magic bullet to make them come running back. Keep working on yourself like you are. It takes time and patience.

What is it that you are afraid of? I find that most of my fears are/were worse than reality. Other times, my fears had already become reality. Don’t allow your fears to paralyze you.

As you continue growing on your journey, you will come to the point that you realize your life is going to be great despite the outcome of your sitch. You’ll just be living your happy life. That happiness that comes from within and is not dependent on another. That is attractive.

I know I need to still work though a lot of anger at what has happened. I am , really, letting go of so much that I held on to. But i guess there was a lot.

Big props to you for your tremendous growth. You should be proud.

i remember H telling me that he thought OW was the only person he could speak to and vice versa. I lashed out ...I reacted in a way that I thought was 'normal', threatened him, yelled, cried, screamed, said How unfair it all was, I even tried to hit him I was so hurt ad angry.

I was sure I was the victim. The victim. He apologised and said he had been acting out of hurt. And i did not listen. That's when he then moved out of the bedroom and the rest is history.

Today I realised that He was telling me something. He was hurting. I wasn't listening. Instead I made it about ME.I expected him to fix it. To apologise, make amends, etc. I was so clueless. I didn't see that he felt like a Victim. He felt betrayed and lost and unloved and insecure. He was confused. And i Did not see, let alone acknowledge any of that.

As needgrace said, don’t beat yourself up. We all make mistakes. You recognize it. Now utilize it to catapult you into the new and improved Busting.

And I realise things like this and it hurts so much. I am able to accept my responsibility in the destruction of this M, but the consequences are so much to bear sometimes.

It is human nature for us to focus on the negatives. In this case the consequences.

Let’s try to look at this in a positive light. You recognize the destructive behavior. You now know what not to do. You are already taking action to resolve those issues. Again, keep working until your changes come naturally to you. Try to only look back to learn.

There isn’t a thing you can do about things that already happened, but to learn and grow from them.

I look at my kids...I feel so guilty. And I want to fix it. I want to tell H all that have been learning, how I have started to grow how it CAN be different. I want him to come back home to his children so at least that wound can be sealed and then we can deal with our R. I want a chance to love in the way I am finally starting to see needs to be.

You may get this opportunity someday. It wasn’t until I completely let go, my changes became who I was and I was living my life as I knew it (a single father), that my W wanted to work things out. I honestly believed my M was over.

And then I hear him on the phone and get those stupid thoughts in my head about Ow and him being so happy and I get mad. Ad I remember that I probably lost my chance. And I realise how much I contributed to my children living without their father.

When you begin to veer into this thought process, put a huge stop sign up. Whatever it takes to stop this train of thought. It serves you no purpose. All it does is make you upset. Not worth it.

You are too sweet to give you a 2x4. Lol

Like I said I want to engage with him. But to be honest I am afraid. H has rejected me so much, been so damn cold and mean at times, I am afraid to go back there. I have been that fool for a long time.

You are no longer that person. Don't allow fear to be your guide.

You engaging him can go either way. Don't attach your emotions to his reaction. When you do, it keeps you on the emotional roller coaster.

And on the other hand i want to DB properly.

What is your definition of DB properly?

To me, it means to get to that happy and healthy place on a personal level. An opportunity to grow. In turn, our lives will be great despite the outcome of our situations. When we get to that place, it is when our WASes begin to look over their shoulders and begin to evaluate their decisions.

Without going thru this mess, I wouldn’t be the person that I am today.

So where does that lead me? Like zig said, trying too hard at times.

Too much stinkin thinkin. It is difficult, but not complicated.

I am so afraid to be myself because I don't know who that is yet.
and even though I know the kind of woman I want to be, I do not yet trust myself with my new found knowledge and changes...what if i go back to what I was? What if.....he was right about me?

No more “what ifs” Busting. They are excuses. You know the kind of woman you want to be, so get there. I believe in you. There is not anything stopping you from getting there except yourself.

I want to have fun in Germany now. Am so excited actually, we all love it there. And i want to be able to show that to H when he comes because it is his territory, his family's house ( that we all inherited when his father passed away).

It's such a special place for us all. And for me and H.

Cherish your time and be happy. Who doesn't want to be around a happy person?

GAL alert! I decided to leave germany in ten days to go to the uk for three days ( leave the kids with H!) and attend my friends 50th bday party/20 year wedding anniversary party!

Excellent. Good for you.

I thought once I made the decision to Stop doing what I was doing in the past ( after finding DB) and to go NC, to really preform some 180's in the way i interact with him, I thought my heart would follow much more quickly.

Time and patience my friend. Then more time and patience. With yourself and with your sitch.

And I will admit, a part of me was still wondering if he misses me at all. Ugh. I know I have to stop.

Yes, please stop.

I am not that person anymore.

That’s right. High five and a big ((((Busting)))).

[needgrace]

Great post, LITB.

Busting, that is what they all seem to say, that the WAS/MLCer does not turn around until we find our way to happiness no matter what. Thank you for the reminder, LITB!