There's been a lot of comment on the thread and having structure, boundaries, etc.
I don't think so. I know I for one come here to try and help. To encourage, to help point out things the poster may have missed, to generally help.
I give back because the boards helped me a great deal and I feel drawn to help people where I can. If I'm not helpful, I'm happy to move over and let somebody else offer suggestions, feedback, etc.
I know the single biggest help this board was for me was a listening ear. I knew what I was doing. I just needed some help understanding what was going on and somebody to listen and not make me feel like an insanely crazy git. If I can help somebody with same, I'm happy to do so.
Bring it on.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
My husband and I have been married for two years, together four. He said that he just doesn't feel the same way about me anymore -- the "spark" is gone and he doesn't feel we're compatible. in what ways are you compatible and what ways do you complement each other? And how are you not compatible? Have you read the books Div Busting or Div Remedy? Please do so asap.
You'll learn that arguing with him about how you DO have things in common will NOT help. Don't make your case to him. He's NOT ready to hear it and it'll push him away atm.
The more you challenge his choices (with words) the more he'll defend them and cement them in. Instead, demonstrate with your 180s that you ARE NOT what he fears/believes. Whatever negative images he has, you must contrast with positives. Not words, but actions.
He feels I've been selfish and took him for granted and was too emotional. Be specific about what he means here. Were you selfish? What's it mean to take him for granted and being "too emotional"? Does that mean a temper? Drama?
IF SO then one thing for sure is you need to stay uber calm, like Mother Teresa calm and kind.
Have you read "The Five Love Languages"? It's important that you know how your h receives love, so you can give it to him in a way he'll feel it the most.
IF he's someone who needs words of affirmation, start with sincere THANK YOUs for his generosity and apologize for your mistakes and how you hurt him. Be specific about what you love or admire about him but make it authentic. Small consistent changes, over time, are what it takes for a WAS to believe their LBSer has made real changes that will last.
It's key that he believes these are real changes that are permanent and he will NOT believe that
if he thinks they are merely tactics to get him back.
So make the changes you want to make in you, for YOU so you can become a woman only a fool would leave.
If it's physical affection/touch or acts of service--figure out how he receives love in his "love language" and it may not be how he gives it...
He doesn't want to do things with me and isn't interested in working out our problems. what are the core inner "problems"? Do you fight? What about? Who makes up first?
I'm moving out this weekend into my own place. He has been really generous towards me and is helping me move, has bought me new stuff for my new place, has helped me pack, etc. He says I can use the washing machine at the old place whenever I want and will help me with whatever I need help with.
What? Why are you going? I'm Not sure why YOU moved out since HE is who wanted out of the marriage...but if it's a done deal...
then be as pleasant as you can when you do interact. But without pursuing.
We went to marriage counseling, and it made things worse. that^^ usually means the mc OR the couple wanted to Rehash the past or relive the traumas that got them to the mc in the first place. USually NOT helpful at all.
Instead, DBig is solution based. We focus on what helps the marriage and do MORE of that and do LESS OR NONE of what hurts the marriage.
Simple, but radically different than most other approaches.
I really want to work things out with him -- I've been getting a life like crazy and so has he. Have you met any new people? Done things that surprised him or make you less predictable?
What were you like when you first met him and he fell in love with you?
I don't know how to show him that I don't want to be selfish. I want to stop taking him for granted. I want to do things for him and show him appreciation when he does things for me. But we're not really talking now, so I don't know how to do these things. sounds like you still have some contact with him. The less the better in SOME ways b/c it makes your changes more noticeable.
When he sees you or talks to you, then YOU end the conversation first (UNLESS he's sad and reaching out-then you "listen like a lover")
but be upbeat. Like you are on your way to "meet a new interesting person, going to a cool fascinating place and doing fun exciting things..."
As your mantra, even if you don't actually say it to him. BE THAT PERSON.
It's appealing. It's attracting.
You might even thank him some day if you feel he's awakened a change in you that you wanted to make anyhow.
Like his wanting out was a wake up call for you- a catalyst for you to become the real you, the best you, that you can be.
Make sense?
I don't want to play games and screw around with his emotions. I have stopped crying and talking about the relationship, but I don't know where to go from here.
it's a good start to stop ALL The R talk and absolutely do NOT cry in front of him. Many men find it manipulative at some level and it often is. You don't need tears to prove you care.
Can you think of ANY ways you can show him you care? Acts of service? An errand? A meal prepared (but without you hanging out to eat it with him) or some act of service with no strings attached.
If you attach strings then at a certain level it is not selfLESS; it's selfish and you'd only be fueling his negaitves. You don't want that.
Can you think of some things you can do to SHOW him that marriage to you can be better/different than before?
B/c if you cannot show him, or tell us here how YOU would be different than before, then there's not a lot of hope.
You need to think of how YOU will be a different better woman with him "from this day forward." (Means in part, to let go of the past).
Make the changes, believe in them and then let the changes in you radiate from within.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey Sgt---I'm not sure that this is going to work if there are threads all over.
I'm also thinking that Ajm has a good point. We can help when we can help and more or less a lot of us do pick and choose to help who we THINK we can help...
and sometimes we have to move on b/c we're not helping them or they need something else.
But my little issue now is that there are too many threads so the poster needs to KNOW they'll get feedback
and if there's only one person doing it, one vet, that's not cool b/c it's a lot to put on the shoulders of the vet isnt' it?
I'm going out of town so Sophie will need someone to post to her but she's also posting on other threads.
I'm not bailing - but this already is hitting me as needing more structure or just being redundant.
Ideas?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Hey Sgt---I'm not sure that this is going to work if there are threads all over.
I'm also thinking that Ajm has a good point. We can help when we can help and more or less a lot of us do pick and choose to help who we THINK we can help...
and sometimes we have to move on b/c we're not helping them or they need something else. But my little issue now is that there are too many threads so the poster needs to KNOW they'll get feedback
and if there's only one person doing it, one vet, that's not cool b/c it's a lot to put on the shoulders of the vet isnt' it? meaning the poster will keep on posting all over the place unless they know that their "vet" will post to them often
and that's a big commitment on the vet. I feel I can help a lot of people, a little
rather than trying to help one or few A LOT...b/c I have to GAL and I'm not available as a sponsor really.
Ideas?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm a newbie and would love to be in the bootcamp. I have a hard time seeing what is happening from the inside. I need a perspective to work with. I'm m 15 yrs and my H left me for OW he started seeing 11/11. I feel he is having MLC. He filed for D. I want to save my M. We do not speak at all. He texts to see kids but that is our only contact right now. I am doing LRT since he left 5/1. I don't see any improvement and want to change that. Help?
Me 40/H 42 M 15/T 18 D 12/D 8 11/11 R Changed 1/31/12 H Admits A 5/1/12 H Leaves 6/6/12 H Files D
It was my impression that the Bootcamp threads were specifically for the mentors to work with the mentees in regards to DB techniques or focus points.
The mentee / members primary thread would be about getting support from other members in general as well as working through details of their sitch.
ie. if the bootcamp focus point was LRT, then the vet would work with the member specifically about LRT.
Yes, I do see how it can get confusing. Narrow focus on the bootcamp thread would be important and I think the vet needs to help keep that thread on focus.
I also do get that there is some resistance to bootcamp.
I agree that we do what works and this board does work. Still, where is the harm to try something different? Sometimes a member's thread can get so crazy with different ideas and input from others, that the DB message can really get lost.
Since this is experimental, and a way to really focus....
One of the things that becomes hard for a 'vet' is when we speak in a language that the newer poster doesn't understand...
I have been accused of being too 'cryptic' , mainly because I don't give all of the info to a poster. I want them to think about it, and come to that crossroad on their own.
What about....
The newer posters can request a certain 'vet' that they really feel a connection to...
That way, we know that our words are coming through strong to them..
I have been accused of being too 'cryptic' , mainly because I don't give all of the info to a poster. I want them to think about it, and come to that crossroad on their own.
Because you are always teaching people how to fish.
You don't like giving them the fish.
Of course if they don't learn how to fish then they go hungry.
