Hello everyone and thank you for your comments. Things are Civil. After we had our initial discussion (which prompted my post) he as agreed to go to consoling with a different therapist. We had our first meeting on Friday. This therapist specializes in Men's therapy so he has a bit of a different approach. We went in not really knowing who would be the primary client. I started talking and gave him the quick rundown of our situation and the therapist looked at my H and said "Boy she is good and through" My H said "Yes that is the way she is, and this is why what she did is so hard for me to wrap my head around" The he basically talked and talked. Which was good because before with our other therapist he barely said a thing.
The therapist thought my H should be the primary client and he would like to meet with him 4 more times alone before I wold be brought back in. My H agreed, but then also made the statement that just because he agreed does not mean he is going to stay. I thought OK but at least this is a step.
As far as the days that have followed he has been friendly, chatty but still no physical contact. He has gone out with his friends and taken our son fishing. Still with no comments from me. If this is what he needs to do I feel like he needs to Go for it. He is still kissing me good bye in the morning and he has asked me to watch a movie with him as well. I did feel strange about this so I just declined and said I would rather do X,Y,Z. And he was OK with that because the movie he said he wanted to watch I would probably not like.
He does not start his therapy until next week so we have to go another whole week of this. I have been trying to make some changes as well. H usually cleans the kitchen so I really cleaned the kitchen the other day. He never said a word to me about it, but I know he noticed. Maybe this is why he was so friendly over the weekend. I think I am going to continue making these small changes to see if this behavior tords me continues to be positive. I am just hoping once the therapy starts the downward spiral does not start again.
I thought I replied yesterday but I must have Missed the upload button :-) First I would like to say I appreciate your comments. I do read them and I like a different prospective so that is welcome.
Since my post my H has agreed to go to consoling. We had our first group meeting on Friday which went well. Our last try at this did not go so well. It may have been because things were just too raw. But this time around we are trying a Male therapist who specializes in Men's mental health. We went into his office and he asked for some background. My H just looked at me so I took that as a queue to start. I went through the whole story in about 10 minutes. When I stopped the Therapist looked at my H and said. "She is thorough" and my H said "Yes that is the way she is"
Then my H began to talk. Which was good because in our previous attempts he barely said a word. This time he just went on and on about all sorts of things. The affair, his relationships with his family or lack there of and so on. After about 20 minutes of my H talking the Therapist stopped us and said he would like to continue on with my H as the primary contact. My H agreed to meet with him alone next week. I took all of this as a positive step.
From the days that have followed they have been strange to say the least. We had a social function to attend one evening and he was very civil. We talked (weather, son, work,,,,etc) but not about this current situation. Also there has not been any physical contact. Except when he is leaving he always gives me a kiss good bye. He even asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him the other night. I was a bit taken by this and I was not sure how I should react. I had asked the therapist before we left the office if I should Stop initiation things and how I should act. He basically said my H was in control and what ever he wanted to do or how he wanted to interact with me was up to him.
This has been very difficult for me. We have been very affectionate people. While making dinner he would come up to me or vice versa and we would hug or kiss. And since our initial conversation none of this has happened. In Bed he sleeps on his side and there is no contact. My instinct is telling me to go hug or kiss him or hold him in the night, but the therapist said this is his call. And that is killing me. I cannot wait for next week when his sessions start. I have decided to tell him before he goes if he wants to talk about his sessions I will be there for him and listen. If he does not want to talk about them I will just have to accept that.
It is just so hard not doing things that have been so instinctual for so long. I am hoping by me respecting his space he sees this as a positive and that I do listen to what he says and wants. I just hope I am doing the right thing......
This is my third time trying to post this so I hope it gets updated....
I thought I replied yesterday but I must have Missed the upload button :-) First I would like to say I appreciate your comments. I do read them and I like a different prospective so that is welcome.
Since my post my H has agreed to go to consoling. We had our first group meeting on Friday which went well. Our last try at this did not go so well. It may have been because things were just too raw. But this time around we are trying a Male therapist who specializes in Men's mental health. We went into his office and he asked for some background. My H just looked at me so I took that as a queue to start. I went through the whole story in about 10 minutes. When I stopped the Therapist looked at my H and said. "She is thorough" and my H said "Yes that is the way she is"
Then my H began to talk. Which was good because in our previous attempts he barely said a word. This time he just went on and on about all sorts of things. The affair, his relationships with his family or lack there of and so on. After about 20 minutes of my H talking the Therapist stopped us and said he would like to continue on with my H as the primary contact. My H agreed to meet with him alone next week. I took all of this as a positive step.
From the days that have followed they have been strange to say the least. We had a social function to attend one evening and he was very civil. We talked (weather, son, work,,,,etc) but not about this current situation. Also there has not been any physical contact. Except when he is leaving he always gives me a kiss good bye. He even asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him the other night. I was a bit taken by this and I was not sure how I should react. I had asked the therapist before we left the office if I should Stop initiation things and how I should act. He basically said my H was in control and what ever he wanted to do or how he wanted to interact with me was up to him.
This has been very difficult for me. We have been very affectionate people. While making dinner he would come up to me or vice versa and we would hug or kiss. And since our initial conversation none of this has happened. In Bed he sleeps on his side and there is no contact. My instinct is telling me to go hug or kiss him or hold him in the night, but the therapist said this is his call. And that is killing me. I cannot wait for next week when his sessions start. I have decided to tell him before he goes if he wants to talk about his sessions I will be there for him and listen. If he does not want to talk about them I will just have to accept that.
It is just so hard not doing things that have been so instinctual for so long. I am hoping by me respecting his space he sees this as a positive and that I do listen to what he says and wants. I just hope I am doing the right thing......
I thought I replied yesterday but I must have Missed the upload button :-) First I would like to say I appreciate your comments. I do read them and I like a different prospective so that is welcome.
Since my post my H has agreed to go to consoling. We had our first group meeting on Friday which went well. Our last try at this did not go so well. It may have been because things were just too raw. But this time around we are trying a Male therapist who specializes in Men's mental health. We went into his office and he asked for some background. My H just looked at me so I took that as a queue to start. I went through the whole story in about 10 minutes. When I stopped the Therapist looked at my H and said. "She is thorough" and my H said "Yes that is the way she is"
Then my H began to talk. Which was good because in our previous attempts he barely said a word. This time he just went on and on about all sorts of things. The affair, his relationships with his family or lack there of and so on. After about 20 minutes of my H talking the Therapist stopped us and said he would like to continue on with my H as the primary contact. My H agreed to meet with him alone next week. I took all of this as a positive step.
From the days that have followed they have been strange to say the least. We had a social function to attend one evening and he was very civil. We talked (weather, son, work,,,,etc) but not about this current situation. Also there has not been any physical contact. Except when he is leaving he always gives me a kiss good bye. He even asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him the other night. I was a bit taken by this and I was not sure how I should react. I had asked the therapist before we left the office if I should Stop initiation things and how I should act. He basically said my H was in control and what ever he wanted to do or how he wanted to interact with me was up to him.
This has been very difficult for me. We have been very affectionate people. While making dinner he would come up to me or vice versa and we would hug or kiss. And since our initial conversation none of this has happened. In Bed he sleeps on his side and there is no contact. My instinct is telling me to go hug or kiss him or hold him in the night, but the therapist said this is his call. And that is killing me. I cannot wait for next week when his sessions start. I have decided to tell him before he goes if he wants to talk about his sessions I will be there for him and listen. If he does not want to talk about them I will just have to accept that.
It is just so hard not doing things that have been so instinctual for so long. I am hoping by me respecting his space he sees this as a positive and that I do listen to what he says and wants. I just hope I am doing the right thing......
From what she writes, it seems to me her H isn't really "getting over it" and that's going to be a problem moving forward.
I kind of understand how he feels. There were times in my journey I felt that I could only "get over it" if I had my own little fling. Dealing with an A is difficult.
But for him to have not made any progress 3 years on, just says something obviously isn't working, and something different needs to be done.
Funny thing: for me the rapidity of the D helped push me to move on. Now I'm not suggesting D, but maybe there's some other dynamic, because three years later, I suspect someone isn't really trying hard enough.
I think Mystify needs to say: "If we're going to make this work, let's get to work, but H has got to stop throwing the past in my face." IMHO that's a major obstacle. When's it going to end? She needs to say: Look H, I can't change the past, decide is you can do this."
The current dynamic appears as if the H is now the WA and the W is passively pursuing. It's not working. Somehow they have to get to a point where they are "starting over." He said he's lost that lovin' feeling. How's he going to get it back? I think he needs to miss her, and decide if he wants to grow old with her or someone else or alone.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I thought I replied yesterday but I must have Missed the upload button :-) First I would like to say I appreciate your comments. I do read them and I like a different prospective so that is welcome.
Since my post my H has agreed to go to consoling. We had our first group meeting on Friday which went well. Our last try at this did not go so well. It may have been because things were just too raw. But this time around we are trying a Male therapist who specializes in Men's mental health. We went into his office and he asked for some background. My H just looked at me so I took that as a queue to start. I went through the whole story in about 10 minutes. When I stopped the Therapist looked at my H and said. "She is thorough" and my H said "Yes that is the way she is"
Then my H began to talk. Which was good because in our previous attempts he barely said a word. This time he just went on and on about all sorts of things. The affair, his relationships with his family or lack there of and so on. After about 20 minutes of my H talking the Therapist stopped us and said he would like to continue on with my H as the primary contact. My H agreed to meet with him alone next week. I took all of this as a positive step.
From the days that have followed they have been strange to say the least. We had a social function to attend one evening and he was very civil. We talked (weather, son, work,,,,etc) but not about this current situation. Also there has not been any physical contact. Except when he is leaving he always gives me a kiss good bye. He even asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him the other night. I was a bit taken by this and I was not sure how I should react. I had asked the therapist before we left the office if I should Stop initiation things and how I should act. He basically said my H was in control and what ever he wanted to do or how he wanted to interact with me was up to him.
This has been very difficult for me. We have been very affectionate people. While making dinner he would come up to me or vice versa and we would hug or kiss. And since our initial conversation none of this has happened. In Bed he sleeps on his side and there is no contact. My instinct is telling me to go hug or kiss him or hold him in the night, but the therapist said this is his call. And that is killing me. I cannot wait for next week when his sessions start. I have decided to tell him before he goes if he wants to talk about his sessions I will be there for him and listen. If he does not want to talk about them I will just have to accept that.
It is just so hard not doing things that have been so instinctual for so long. I am hoping by me respecting his space he sees this as a positive and that I do listen to what he says and wants. I just hope I am doing the right thing......
I thought I replied yesterday but I must have Missed the upload button :-) First I would like to say I appreciate your comments. I do read them and I like a different prospective so that is welcome.
Since my post my H has agreed to go to consoling. We had our first group meeting on Friday which went well. Our last try at this did not go so well. It may have been because things were just too raw. But this time around we are trying a Male therapist who specializes in Men's mental health. We went into his office and he asked for some background. My H just looked at me so I took that as a queue to start. I went through the whole story in about 10 minutes. When I stopped the Therapist looked at my H and said. "She is thorough" and my H said "Yes that is the way she is"
Then my H began to talk. Which was good because in our previous attempts he barely said a word. This time he just went on and on about all sorts of things. The affair, his relationships with his family or lack there of and so on. After about 20 minutes of my H talking the Therapist stopped us and said he would like to continue on with my H as the primary contact. My H agreed to meet with him alone next week. I took all of this as a positive step.
From the days that have followed they have been strange to say the least. We had a social function to attend one evening and he was very civil. We talked (weather, son, work,,,,etc) but not about this current situation. Also there has not been any physical contact. Except when he is leaving he always gives me a kiss good bye. He even asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with him the other night. I was a bit taken by this and I was not sure how I should react. I had asked the therapist before we left the office if I should Stop initiation things and how I should act. He basically said my H was in control and what ever he wanted to do or how he wanted to interact with me was up to him.
This has been very difficult for me. We have been very affectionate people. While making dinner he would come up to me or vice versa and we would hug or kiss. And since our initial conversation none of this has happened. In Bed he sleeps on his side and there is no contact. My instinct is telling me to go hug or kiss him or hold him in the night, but the therapist said this is his call. And that is killing me. I cannot wait for next week when his sessions start. I have decided to tell him before he goes if he wants to talk about his sessions I will be there for him and listen. If he does not want to talk about them I will just have to accept that.
It is just so hard not doing things that have been so instinctual for so long. I am hoping by me respecting his space he sees this as a positive and that I do listen to what he says and wants. I just hope I am doing the right thing......
your posts are being moderated. Just keep posting away and you will get off moderation.
Let him lead right now on the physical stuff. Just hold off on it. As he will have to work through it to he gets to a point that you two can talk about it.
Just take your time and slowly rebuild safety and security there. Something has triggered him. So keep an eye on him and see if you can determine what it is.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
